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Random Thoughts
Why is Christmas cake called fruitcake for the rest of the year?
Is the day after Christmas called Boxing Day because you always have those relatives you hate round?
Why are small children more interested in playing with the wrapping paper and not the present that came in it?
What's the best way to look up the spelling of a word in the dictionary if you don't know how to spell it?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Does anybody really brush their teeth three times a day?
Is there scientific proof that those little windshield wipers on car headlights are worthwhile?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why can't dogs smile?
Why, when you're sitting in a movie theatre, does it always seem like the lights are dimming?
How do you throw away a trashcan?
Why can't you tickle yourself to make yourself laugh?
Who designed clothing so that a tug on one thread will undo an entire hem, or make a button pop off instantaneously?
Given a bird can fly anywhere at any time, why does he choose to park himself in the gutter of a city centre office building?
What is the difference between "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny"?
Why does the colour orange signify decaffeination?
How many tiny packets of duck sauce and soy sauce do you suppose are tossed out every night with the empty take-out Chinese food containers?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
When someone asks you, "a penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material of the indestructible black box?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can you set your laser printer on stun?
Is it truly possible to have a civil war?
And if a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?
And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Are there Seeing Eye humans for blind dogs?
If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?
And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run & your feet smell?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in it?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If love is grand, then divorce is a hundred grand
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Why is there an interstate highway in Hawaii?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes is G Man a throwback?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
If only good people die young, what does that say about senior citizens?
If life begins at 40, why bother with the other 39 years?
Why do soft foods get hard when they go stale, yet hard foods soften?
Why is it that only ugly women go to KFC at chucking out time?
Broccoli - Why?
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Why do boring people always find you to talk to?
If the best things in life are free, why aren't poor people happy?
Why is it called a boxing ring? Wouldn't boxing square be more accurate?
When dog food is new and improved tasting ... who tastes it?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "Terminal"?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that insurance covers everything apart from what actually happens?
Does anybody really know the difference between a currant and a raisin?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people around?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is there always too much month left at the end of my money?
Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund?
If god never meant pigs to fly, why do the police have helicopters?
Why does time at work go so slowly and free time fly by?
Why when the prize is a year's supply of lager are you given 365 cans, who only drinks one a day?
Why are kids the only ones that can open items with childproof lids?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil has to be lead.
How come a pizza delivery will get to your house quicker than an ambulance?
Why are bogies green?
Why is a star shape so called when stars are spherical?
Why did we help France in two world wars?
Can blind people see in their dreams?
Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Why do elephants only come in grey?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it
Why is it that people who snore always fall asleep first?
Why is there three letters in the word why when surely one (y) would do?
Why am I still doing this at 2 in the morning on a work night?
Is e-mail a tool or is it just used by tools?
Why is the piece of wrapping paper you have never quite big enough for the present you have to wrap?
And why can you never find the fucking sellotape?
Are fat people just nutritional overachievers?
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody ever ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why in films, When they are alone, do all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Where does the weekend go?
Time may be a great healer, but don't forget it's also a lousy beautician.
How can eating a quarter pounder lead to a weight increase of half a stone?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitzu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call male ballerinas?
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Only the doctor can suffer from good health
Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s called Sexual Harassment, yet, when a woman talks dirty to a man it’s £3.99 a minute.
If you get corn oil from corn, linseed oil from linseed and vegetable oil from vegetables, where the hell does Haemorrhoid cream come from then?
Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday
You can only be young once, but you can be immature for ever.
If we were intended to talk more than we hear, we’d have two mouths and only one ear.
If you bow at all, bow low.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one.
There’s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away
The light of a hundred stars doesn’t equal the light of the moon.
The hardest thing to do is to disguise your feelings when sending a large crowd of visiting relatives home.
Some men are discovered, others are found out
No really great man ever thought himself so. (Something to take on board for Ricky Organ)
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys. They are all on different limbs at different levels. Some are climbing up. Some are climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of assholes.
You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist
You can’t tell which way the train went, just by looking at the tracks
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, yet so few people can hold it.
Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
You can’t win arguments by interrupting speakers
Eat Well . . . Stay Fit . . . Die Anyway.
Your not really drunk if you are laying on the floor without holding on.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
At the end of the game, the pawn and the king go back in the same box.
All men die. Not every man really lives
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria
Every path has some puddles.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done
Everybody is ignorant. Only on different subjects
Veni, Vedi, Vegi . . . I came, I saw, I had a salad
The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand
An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips
If you think talk is cheap, hire a lawyer
If you always do what you've always done, you will always be where you've always been
Feel the fear and do it anyways
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
I don't know what apathy is and I don't care
We all judge others, but we all hate it when others judge us
People will judge you by the company you keep
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.
Reality is an illusion created by the lack of alcohol
Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean . . . against bars, poles and tables
All my life I wanted to be something - now I see that I should have been more specific
All people smile in the same language
You don't need a broken toe to shave a weasel.
You don't need to call the Pope to kiss a Quaker.
Fill your lungs well with air before blowing a soap bubble
Profanity is the Crutch of the Inarticulate Muthafucker
He who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn’t been asleep
So many stupid people... so few comets.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Work is for people who don't know how to play golf.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest
Man’s Horizons are bounded by his vision
Success is relative ... the more success, the more relatives
Just because something is readily available, doesn't mean it's worth having
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy