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Jokes Issues 1-10
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist, "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your head and he is bound to start something."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty dollar note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the manager’s office: "There's a woman to see you, she's $100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD’s? In Iraq.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands of nut chips. Police say that he topped himself
And finally one from the mists of time that for some reason the 50 something woman who told it and the table of her friends thought was the funniest thing they’d ever heard, now, even taking into account the alcohol factor, I’m really not sure, but whatever, it’s certainly surreal enough to get in here. “What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same!”
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings, “Deck the Halls.” The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
12 Days of Christmas Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine John, What's with you and those Fucking birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those Fucking birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Aberdine. Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbours have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Aberdine. You rotten prick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine Listen Fuckhead: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in northern Sweden as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come.About 5:00..." "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn ya... There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright.I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too.""Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" Suzy cried out. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher. "Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv' . . . ". But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you >want a New Ark?" "Check". With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check". "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.......................... "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts! "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door?" "Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't bloody think so." "Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't bloody think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" "Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him." So what kind of cake did you bake him?", He asked. She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't bloody think so!!"
A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions. "The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."
Not long after his marriage, Dave and his dad, Jon, met for lunch. "How's married life treating you, son?" Jon asked. "Not good, pop. It seems like I've married a nun." "A nun?What are you talking about?" "A nun.As in 'nun' in the morning, 'nun' at night, and flat 'nun' at all unless I beg." "Ah.I see. Well, look, Dave, why don't you and your wife come on by for supper tonight and we'll have a nice talk about it." Dave smiled and said, "Thanks, Dad. That's a great idea." "Good," Jon said, "I'll just call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate. Where's your bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realizing the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin-man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?". "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man. "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?" "OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank"
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad." "It's the best I could do from here
A new employee is hired at the "Tickle Me Elmo" (a cuddly toy which laughs when tickled) factory. The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am. The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says: "I am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
This bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replied the bloke, "You know I live by the railway? Well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in them movies. I of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time!" He continued "We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, doggy style, spoons, me on top, sometimes her on top. I was totally shagged out this morning!" " Blimey", said the barman, "you lucky sod, did you get a blow job?" "No," he said, "I never found her head."
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service". "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms such as "Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations." And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. One day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "service" a few of his cows. It all came into perspective.
Glen Roeder was caught speeding on his way to the Upton Park today. I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The West ham Chairman is considering replacing Glenn Roeder with Ronnie O'Sullivan. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
Virgin trains have decided to start sponsoring West Ham. They think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Rumour has it that West Ham have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.
A guy is fishing when he finally hooks a massive salmon, he pulls it on the shore and is about whack it on the head when the salmon shouts "don’t kill me". The guy is shocked "Fuck me a talking fish". The fish says "Hello my name is Rusty, please don’t kill me!" The guy decides to put the fish back and let him live, and soon forgets about his experience. A few years later the same guy pulls out another large fish and is about to hit it on the head and have it for his tea. "Don’t kill me" says the fish "Fuck me is that you rusty" says the man. "Where have you been" The fish replies " I have been swimming around the artic and set up home next to the wreck of a big cruise liner, whilst there I have been writing poetry and have published a book" "oh what’s it called" replied the man. " The Titanic Verses" by Salmon Rusty
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?""Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said. The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. "But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!" Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
A camel and an elephant meet. The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?" The camel, clearly irritated, replies: "What a silly question from someone who has his dick on his face."
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" No. Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these," tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts, leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal, are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." "Why do you ask?" "Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway.”?
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. " He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. "Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?" The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge chunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry. "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
A boy says to his dad: "How old do you think I am today?" Dad: "I dont know" Boy: "Eleven" He then goes into the next room and says to his Grandma: " Guess how old I am?" His grandma puts her hand down his trousers and fondles with his genitals. After a few minutes she says: "Eleven" Boy: " How did you know" Grandma: "I heard you tell your father"
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after using them.
A guy goes into work hung over as hell. His buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!" His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!
This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"
John Paul II died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: "John Paul, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you.You name it; it's yours." John Paul thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St Peter told him it would be arranged. On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John Paul to the Holy Mother's sanctuary.John Paul went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Why is that?" Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. Then she said: "I always wanted a girl."
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident... Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming. He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hand gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly. The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" He looked at her and replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
A man walks into a bar. As he passes the cigarette machine, he hears it say, "You smell bad and you are ugly." Then he hears a voice apparently coming from a nearby plate of peanuts. "You really are a very handsome young man." the nuts claim. The man turns to the bartender and asks for an explanation. The bartender replies, "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary."
A little boy goes shopping with his mum and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out. While waiting, the little lad gets bored and as his mum comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out, she invites him over. After an hour she says, "You know you can go a little further if you want" "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well why don't you put your hand down my pants?" she says. "Hell no" he cries, "you've got teeth down there" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there" "Yes there are" he says, "my mum told me" "No, there aren't" she insists. "Here have a look for yourself" she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "look I don't have any teeth down there!" The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says, "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name" Girl: "Sharon" Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes" Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Romford, mate"
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!? said the Essex girl. "There's hundreds of them!"
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed. Sharon: Ok Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain’t being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it" So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot" "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam." "Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!" "I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today.If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty." Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?" He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied. "Would you know which way it went?" She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. Didn't you get my note?" "Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?" The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it." After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"
What did the horse say when he fell? "I've fallen and I can't giddy up!"
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "Son, I don't know. No man has lived that long yet."
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. "I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. "Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!" "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500. It knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps bugging her until she agrees. He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of Independence?" She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives up and gives her $50. The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep. Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?" Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a $5.00 bill.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." style='color:black'>The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?", The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft center, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they went. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?". I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol!".
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"