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Jokes Issues 21-30
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let’s see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores. Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself. Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room. One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!" The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room. Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?" "Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries. The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!" Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!" "Sir?" "You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"
When I was in the fourth grade, we had the horrible Mr. Johnson as our teacher. Once he got called to the office. When he got back, he found all of us sitting absolutely still and quiet. Shocked, he asked, "Boys and girls, I've never seen anything like this. It's wonderful. But what made you all act so well behaved and quiet?" We all looked at each other and I finally raised my hand. "Well," I said, "one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead."
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?" The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with "I". Julie: I is... Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, "I am." Julie: All right . . . "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, God made you," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a nearby mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen." The husband replied, "I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun."
An Eskimo’s car breaks down and a Welshman stops to help. He tells the Eskimo the problem is you’ve blown a seal. The Eskimo replies, so what you fuck sheep.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst . . . Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because . . . you're not a monk!
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left hand, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before. The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
The other night in bed, April woke her husband up by shaking his arm. "Hey, hey, wake up." "Huh? What? You want to go AGAIN? Girl, you're insatiable!" "Like you could get it up twice. No, no, asshole. Listen!" She cocked her head like one of those damned Chihuahuas. "You hear that? It sounds like there's someone in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight." Rolling back on my side I said, "What do we care as long as they don't die in the house?"
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
Grandmother is 94 years old. But she still likes to kick up her heels and go crazy. Not long ago Mama Hazel was traveling through Italy when she became ill. The doctors there advised her to fly back to Alabama. Two hours after her plane left Italy, one of the engines conked out. They kept flying until about an hour later, somewhere over the Mediterranean, another engine caught fire. I guess that was their clue to turn around and head back to Italy. Once they arrived, the stewardess turned to Mama Hazel and told her, "You were the calmest passenger we had, ma'am." Mama Hazel replied, "Honey, at my age I'm living on borrowed time. And since I'm traveling on borrowed money, I figured I didn't have much to lose."
What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath!!!
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it!!!!
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!!!!!
What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? Get em on their back and they're both fucked!!!!!
Why don't blondes use vibrators? They chip their teeth!!!!!!!!!!!
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips!!!!!!!!!
"I have good news and bad news," the defence lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
Three guys at a football game are sitting behind three nuns. They can't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there." One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there." Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there." Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of math’s instruction.
A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Amanpreet got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local bar. He made such a racket slamming into the furniture as he weaved through the house, he woke Judi upstairs in the bedroom. "What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down the stairs. "Get your ass up here to bed before you wake up the neighbors!" Preet hollered back, "I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs!" "Leave it until the morning!" "I can't," he yelled, "I drank it!"
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means, "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie? Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you!!!!! I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality! I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche...
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."
How do Bob Marley's mates like their doughnuts? Dunno. But we hope they like jam in too.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi jam in.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad". As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
When a man went to get his driver's license renewed, his local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of him finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?" He simply replied, "Just playing bed football." Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7." The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?" He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh .. . you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb!"
A man had been holding off getting a medical check-up. He didn’t want to pay a doctor $150 just to have him tell him he’s got to quit doing everything he likes. Anyway, he’s lying on the examination table, and the doc's got a stethoscope on my chest. He's moving it around, telling him to breathe in and out. He's got a puzzled look on his face. He said, "Well, Doc, how do I stand?" He shook his head and said, "Give me a minute. That's what I'm trying to figure out."
Amanpreet was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before. The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir." "No, no, you don't understand," Preet said. "I want to know how the hell he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A man went to a little local restaurant the other day and ordered a tuna fish sandwich on white bread. "I'm sorry, sir," the waitress said, "but we're all out of white bread. Can we put that on wheat for you?" Sure, what the heck. You know how you get when you just crave something? He was in a tuna mode all that week, because he was back at the restaurant the next day, again ordering the same tuna sandwich. Got the same waitress as the day before. He told her, "On white, please." "Gosh, I'm sorry, sir, can we put that on wheat for you? We're out of white today." Hurm. Sure. Go ahead. The craving didn't subside. For the third day in a row, he was back at the local cafe. This time, he thought he'd save himself and the very same waitress some grief. "A tuna fish sandwich, please, on wheat bread." The waitress looked up from her pad, "Aren't you the guy who usually orders it on white?"
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he’s very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit,” said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.'' ''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.'' ''But officer, I just wanted to say...'' ''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!'' A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.'' ''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?" A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!" "Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them.", replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer? "I sure did, that's how we won the case . . . good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked,"What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying?" asked Preet. The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way!"
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father. The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1. With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well. The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth. A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.
Little Johnny goes to ask his dad for help with his homework. "Dad, can you explain the difference between potentially and reality" "Well son, it's a bit difficult, BUT I would suggest that you go and ask your mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then go and ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds. Then when you have the answers, think about them and come back and tell me what you think." Well Johnny wanders off to find the other members of his family and to ask them the questions. "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" Without thinking "Of course I would, I've always fancied Robert Redford, and to get a million pounds to sleep with him would be great" Then Johnny moved on to his sister "Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" "Would I? I'd sleep with him for nothing" Then Johnny moved on to his brother "Bro, would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds?" After pondering this for a while his brother replied "I think that I would, as there is so much that I could do with a million pounds" Johnny went off and thought about the answers for a while, and then went to see his dad. "Dad, I've been and asked everyone the questions you suggested, and I've come to the following conclusion. Potentially we are multi millionaires, however in reality, we are living with two sluts and a queer"
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs BUT keeps quiet. BUT when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, BUT surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. BUT couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
What do Scousers and Sperm have in common? There are hundreds and thousands of the bastards but only one of them work's.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause) . . . “ The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause) . . . " Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.'' There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.'' So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
Three boys are asked to go to the front of the class and asked if they could be made of one thing apart from flesh and blood what would it be. The first boy says " I would like to be made of gold Miss" "Why is that?" asked the teacher. "Well I could scratch my arm and a bit of gold would fall off and I could buy myself a car!" "Very good." said the teacher The second boy says "I would like to be made of platinum, because its worth more than gold and when I scratch myself I will be able to by 2 cars" "Very good." said the teacher The third boy said "I would like to be made of pubic hair Miss." "And why is that?" the teacher said in surprise......... "Well my sister only has a little bit and you should see the cars outside my house!!!"
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're all dead."
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning." "I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."
An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Baghdad when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun. He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down. On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. 'You idiot!' said the captain. 'We saw what you did on our radar and now we're in a load of trouble'. 'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!' 'I know that!' said the captain, 'But they were Allied Carpets!!!!!!!
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
Three men go duck hunting one day. Two of them are inundated with stories from the third about his "great" duck hunting abilities. After a few hours the first two men have bagged a couple of ducks each, but the braggart hasn't taken a shot. They question him on this, so he agrees to show his shooting abilities at the next opportunity. A few moments later, one lone duck comes flying by. As promised, the braggart stands up and squeezes off one shot. The duck keeps flying! "Gentlemen, you have just witnessed a miracle," says the braggart pointing at the receding duck, "for there flies a dead duck."
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts!
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes." The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole f**king house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."
The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel. "You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "it's actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, and I’ll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Amanpreet: What would you do in a case like this?" Preet pondered for a second and answered, "I guess I'd limp, too."
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
There were 3 sisters, who had all met men, and were to be married. In order to save their parents money, they agreed that it should be a triple wedding, and that they would all spend their wedding nights at the family home. Well, the night of the wedding, the mother needed to go to the toilet, and being inquisitive, tiptoed past all the daughters' rooms. At the eldest daughter's room, she stopped and listened, and heard her daughter laughing, she moved on thinking that this was normal. At the next room, she stopped and listened, and heard her middle daughter screaming, again she moved on thinking that this could be considered normal. Finally she went to the door of her youngest daughter, and listened, but heard nothing, thinking that she would probably be asleep, she went back to bed. The next morning, the 3 girls came down for their breakfast, and the mother asked them how they got on the night before. To the eldest daughter, she explained that she had heard her laughing as she went past, to which the daughter replied, "Well you always told me that if something tickled, then I should laugh" To the middle daughter she explained that she had heard her screaming. "Well mother you always told me that if anything hurt that I should scream." Finally turning to the youngest daughter, she said that she hadn't heard anything, and assumed that she was asleep "No, mother, it's just that you always told me never to speak with my mouth full"
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."
A man walks into a book store and asks the clerk if she could tell him where the "self-help" area is. She replied, "Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it?"
On a tour of England the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the north west coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a helpless man wearing a Man United football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!!! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Manchester City tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Man Utd fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi - conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore.............. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true". "I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom" "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"
A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people."
A man goes to see his rabbi about a problem he is having. "Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." says the man. "What's the matter?" asks the rabbi, sensing that there is a serious problem. "My wife is poisoning me!" exclaims the man. Stunned, the rabbi asks, "How can that be?" "I'm telling you that I'm certain that she's poisoning me." replies the man. The rabbi puts his hand on the man to comfort him and says, "Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man. "Well I spoke to your wife. I called her on the phone and spoke to her for four hours. Would you like my advice?" "Yes, please." requests the man. The rabbi pauses then says, "Take the poison."
A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery." He got the apartment.
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up!"
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's, that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?" She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold."
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second. "I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with body problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's mooch batter, how mooch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
An Irishman, a Romanian and a Nigerian are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the Romanian downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Romania our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in Nigeria we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Irishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Romanian and the Nigerian and then says: "In Dublin we have so many fucking Romanians and Nigerians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" Asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
"A man went to see his doctor. He asked 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?' The doctor said ... 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect'."
A Lawyer is driving in his limousine when he sees two men eating grass. He tells the driver to stop and then he gets out and asks one of the men why he is eating grass. The man replies that they can't afford food so they have to eat grass. The Lawyer tells the men to get in the limousine. Inside the limo, the two men thank the lawyer and he replies, "No problem, the grass in the back of my house is at least a foot long."
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a awful long time between New Year and Christmas!"
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, Hey Tim, what're you in for? I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried, said Tim. Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks! Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for? I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is, Sammy answered. Oh my god, circumcision I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A Carnation?" "No. No. The other one" the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Onestone was his name........... This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more. Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone. " He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn’t die! What is the moral of the story? You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!!!
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!