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Jokes Issues 11-20
Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up. "Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?" "Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?" "Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop." Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on." Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!" "Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?" "Yeah, what about him?" "Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
Jerry Garcia died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four . . . "
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
A prospective juror was being questioned by the District Attorney for a murder trial that had been in all the papers. "If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill him for his crime?" "Well, no." replied the man. "But I could do it on Saturday if that would be OK."
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A Dry Martinez!
During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" Taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Tony just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake. "Tony," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order." His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order." At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Tony at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!" Tony took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away. The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves. Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand. The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog." "Sure does." "I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?" "I wouldn't say that." "Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?" "Well, I don't know." "Two hundred dollars. That should do it." "Sounds good." The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting." "I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."
Back in the swinging sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies, music, fashion and art. There's the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book. "Oi Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of the ladies to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the ol' how's yer father?" "Fair play," nods Jim (well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist), "as long as she does the rest of the band too." "Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instruction in her ear. Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin when in walks Ringo Starr. "Alright luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?" The young lass thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the woman by her hair and slaps her hard across the face! "Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers. "I told you," Caine snarls "You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off ..."
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, got married and had a little sweet potato, they named 'Yam'. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. & Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. When she went out west, the warned her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds. Mr. & Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. [Potato University] so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Des Lynam. Des Lynam! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Des Lynam, because he's just a COMMON TATER!
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like. "A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question. "A naked woman on a bed." "You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims. "I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11".
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he plunges into the ground with a thud. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle tried again and again, climbing again after each drop. Meanwhile, a couple of birds were sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got where she was going."
A woman went to her boy-friends parents house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boy-friends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp" The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
Sheila comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman. Sheila says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back." Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation." Sheila shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story." Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never wore, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me. I showed her to the door. She thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah. Sarah said, Cows have spots. Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport. Carla said, Computers are electronic. Bobby said, Urinate. Mrs. Flebs said, Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence. Bobby said, Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time and wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she was having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer and asked him for directions. "Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on the 54, it will take you right there." explained the officer. "Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop. Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again, and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus stop. The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told you that to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54, and it will take you right there. What are you still doing here?" "Oh don't worry officer." she replied. "It won't be long now. The 47th bus just went by."
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?" The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
A young man, who had recently moved out of his dorm and into a new apartment, was shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products, topped off by a lone food purchase, a large bag of potato chips. Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater."
Newlyweds Amanpreet and Judi were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be because Judi stood a good foot taller than Lizard Pecker. The counselor suggested, "Maybe you should try those special shoes with the built in lifts to help out Preet's ego." The next month, the counselor asked if things had improved in the love-making department. "Well," Judi sighed, "yes, but, those shoes sure get the sheets dirty."
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?" "Because if I only have 6 months to live, I want it to seem like the longest six months of my life!"
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you . . . "
There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands." The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on ours!!!"
A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion. The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered." The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers." Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution." The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women. The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down." "Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!"
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Wonderful," said the psychiatrist. "Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people." "Definitely," said the psychiatrist. "Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution." "Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they have requested an audience, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack, and the Pope says," Dopey my son, what may I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and says, "No Dopey there are no Dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling and Dopey turns and gives them a glare to silence them. Dopey turns back, "Your worship are there any Dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe?" The Pope puzzled now, thinks for a moment and replies, " No Dopey, there are no Dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all the Dwarfs burst into laughter, and once again Dopey silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "YOUR EXTREME Holiness are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, The Pope responds, "I am sorry my son but there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears stream down there cheeks as they began chanting....... "Dopey shagged a penguin!!!....Dopey shagged a penguin!!!!"
Judi had never been fishing in her entire life, but she wasn't about to tell her new rich boyfriend that. "What? And look like an idiot?" she said to her girlfriend Carly. After about an hour aboard his yacht, she turned to her new boyfriend and said, "Umm, those little red and white thingees? How much do they cost?" Amanpreet looked at her a little funny, shrugged, and said, "The float? I guess they're about a dollar. Why do you ask?" "I owe you a dollar then. Mine just sank."
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints. "My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died. "No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."
There were three golfers. One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green. The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green. As you no doubt guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus. The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water, an eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole. Then Jesus shouted, "Dad! If you do that again, I'm not going to invite you to play golf with us in the future!"
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?" "You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold." "Now tell me something," said the Texan, "can you dance?" "No" "Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's feet. Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf. About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen. The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a horse's ass?" "No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker asks the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK". Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?" Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then son?" Johnny replies ... "Wimbledon."
At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
A priest was looking for someone to ring his church bell before masses when he found a man walking on the street. The priest asked the man if he would like the job, seeing that he looked like he was homeless. The man quickly agreed to take the job. Well, it was the first day on the job so the man went to the top of the church to ring the bell. He saw the bell and turned around and walked to the opposite side of the room. Then he turned around again and took a running start towards the bell. Bamm! He hit the bell with his head and it rang. The next day the man entered the room and did the same. He walked to the other side of the room, turned around, and took a running start towards the bell, but this time he slipped on something and fell right out of the window and down onto the pavement and instantaneously died. Later on the cops showed up at the crime scene and asked the priest knew who the man was. The priest replied, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."
There was a blond, brunette, and a redhead that had just robbed a store. The cops spotted them, so they started to run. They saw a barn and ran into it. Once inside - they found three potato bags that they hid in. The cops saw enter the barn and went in to find the three robbers. The cops saw the three sacks moving so they went to investigate. A cop kicked the first bag, which was the brunette's. She said "woof, woof." They thought it was just some little puppies. He went over to the redheads bag and kicked it. She said "meow, meow." They thought it was just some kittens. Then the cops went to the last bag, which was the blondes. They kicked it and she said "potato, potato."
Why I fired my secretary - Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out into the country to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. . followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ... on the couch . . . naked!!
Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home. As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the little boy, ''I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.'' The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, ''I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.'''
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
Learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment. As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion. "Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted. Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled without disturbing each other. An elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar. 2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current. 3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground. 4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring. Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them. But only temporarily.
Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious." "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the patient. The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone. "But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!" "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... he is using words like: DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
Paddy was in the quick fire round of a pub quiz. He was asked “Name a bird that can’t fly.” So he replied “That bird from Holby City”
A Scouser is sitting in a pub when a petite, snake-hipped man in Gold Lycra shorts and a pink crop-top minces up to the bar and orders a strawberry daiquiri. He takes a sip of his drink before leaning over to our Scouse friend and whispering into his ear, "If you meet me out the back in five minutes I'll give you a really great blow-job." The Scally turns purple, grabs the guy by the throat, and proceeds to batter the crap out of him before throwing him head First through the bar's plate glass window leaving him in a bloody heap on the pavement outside. The landlord, a little shocked by the brutality of the attack, says to our friend, "That was a bit much! What the hell did he say to you?" "I don't know" replies the Scouser taking a sip of his pint," Something about a job."
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
Why do elephants have big ears? Because noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. He runs away, finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and Guns but, instead, finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up on the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of Time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you and let him do what he wants. This guy could be dangerous, if he! Gets angry, he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love you." The wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too....."
A man wrote to his doctor regarding a problem, writing “Dear Dr., I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disc but still got pregnant again. I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba”
What's dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw!
There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little rascals smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, " I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw couldn't have been mine, so I put it back!"
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" Dave replied, "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says,” Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"
The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine." She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole." She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"
Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone" the manager told him. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!" "Well we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another or $100,000.00. "How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anything to anyone, any time any where!" "OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked. "What urine sample?" asked Sid. "If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's." "That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
What do you call a female sex change? An addadictomy!
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she would prefer. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."
Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope. "Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew. "Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope. "Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so ON and so on. So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right." "Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope. "Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 29, A.D . . ."
A teacher walks into the class room and says "right class, who can tell me what a shitzu is" A little boy at the back of the class puts his hand up and says "Its a zoo with no animals Miss"
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
Two women who are waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," explains the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.
Q. What's the smallest Pub in the World? A. The Thalidomide Arms
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs. "Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun. "Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun. No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield. "Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared. "Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun. No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack. "NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun. The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly. The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!"
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees."
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you." "No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway."
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honour," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honour," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the colour."
The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, . . . "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the Centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church's board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
A man was in his front garden mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" ...................... My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please circumcise the boy, since he's already going to be under anesthesia. The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" there for several days. About a week later he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he, too, was also going to have to have his tonsils out. He asked the boy to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are."
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for a five."
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic. "That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!" "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now, go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour the water on you. We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methodist because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. Why, what do you think that means?" "That means we're Episcopalians."
A new mother took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her little girl in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put the purchases around her. In the checkout line, she noticed a small boy and his mother were ahead of her. The small boy was crying and begging for some special treat. "He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any", she thought. Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out to her husband "Bruce, Bruce. Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up, "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said, "Lets try Plan B". "Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba. "Spot on" Bruce said, "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t1ts". "Play with her t1ts"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?". "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg. so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day, the dog starts chasing butterflies and, before long, he discovers he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction, with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Irish Setter thinks, "Man, I'm in deep shit, now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately setting down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard, "that was close. That dog nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"