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Jokes Issues 41 - 50
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week. A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Judi called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Amanpreet and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Judi. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.'' So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." ''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life." "Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God." God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case." As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "But teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."
It was Amanpreet's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!" He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?" Lizard Pecker asked the messenger boy. "No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore." "I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?" "Sorry." "Please," begged Preet. "Today's my birthday." "Oh, all right," said the boy, "Dah-dah dah... dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead!"
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? Halfway.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
My Mother-in-Law once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
"I met my wife at a singles' bar." "Really?" "I thought she was home with the kids."
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy said, "You got a deal." The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.'''' Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0'''' Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars." "Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side
How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butterdish.
Why did the chicken cross the road (again)? Cos the light was on green.
How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge? More footprints in the butterdish.
Why did the turkey cross the road? Cos it was the chicken's day off.
How do you get four elephants out of a red mini? The same way you got them in.
Why did Colonel Sanders cross the road? Cos he wanted that chicken.
How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge? You can't close the door.
Why did the punk cross the road? Cos he was stapled to the chicken.
How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Why did the camel cross the road? Cos it was the chicken's day off and the turkey was on holiday.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge? There's a red mini parked outside.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross back again? Cos it was a dirty double crosser.
Why did the elephant use the telephone? Cos it wanted to make a trunk call.
Why did the pervert cross the road? Cos he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.
How do you know if there are four elephants up a tree? There's a red mini parked underneath it.
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" "Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Wings.
What's the position to make ugly babies? Ask your parents.
A Mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma replied. "That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?" "Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."
QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? ANSWER: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. "I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." "Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'
What did the bow-legged doe say? That's the last time I will do that for ten bucks.
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers." "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? A: "I'm soooo drunk."
One frigid morning in North Dakota a man turned up at work much the worse for wear. "I didn't sleep a wink." he told a co-worker. "I was up all night trying to keep my wife's begonia covered against the freezing cold." "I should be so lucky." his co-worker replied. "When it's this cold my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, I can never get anywhere near her begonia."
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
This old man goes to the doctor's. "Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long." "So what's the problem?" "I can't remember where I live."
WHY MEN LIE
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."
It's the year 2045. Ray and April are 87 and 72 respectively. They're sitting on the front porch swing, just rocking. Ray says, "Screw you, April." A minute goes by and April says, "Screw you, Ray." Another minute. "Screw you, April." Another. "Screw you, Ray." Yet another. "Screw you, April." And another. "Screw you, Ray." After another few moments Ray says, "I remember oral sex used to be more fun than this . . ."
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."
Did you hear..... a woman with no legs won the UK strawberry picking contest............. What a Jammy cunt.......
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor. "I do." "A fine picture," he said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be? Inquires the man. "Comfortable." Replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
What's yellow and goes up and down? A banana in an elevator!
A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What!?! How about the bad news? Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?" "I sure do," answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't ya?"
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best types of surgical patients. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently ticked the driver off enough that he hung out his window and swore at her. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That equals 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females - that equals 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their cycle. That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing. That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her cycle, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of swearing at her.
Why do blondes leave empty milk bottles in the fridge?? In case anyone asks for a black coffee!!!!!..
What's green and gets a scouser pissed???? His Giro
What's red and sits in the corner??? A Naughty Strawberry!!!!!!!
How do you make a door scream?? Twist it's knob!!!!!!
What's worse than a bull in a china shop?? A Hedgehog in a condom factory!!!
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. "Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law." The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?" The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.
Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date A. Patient
Q. Why do they call it PMT? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Q. What is the definition of disgusting? A. Siamese twins joined at the mouth, and one throws up
Q. What is the definition of confusion? A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market
Q. What's the difference between bogies and Brussels sprouts? A. Kids won't eat Brussels sprouts
Q. What goes up and down Nelsons Column? A. Winnie Mandela
Q. What do you call bears with no ears? A. B
Q. What's got four legs and an arm? A. A Rottweiler
Q. What's got 500 legs and no hair? A. The front row of a Boyzone concert
Q. How do you make a dog drink? A. Put it in a liquidizer
Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes? A. Piiig
Q. Who is the only man, weighing over 11 stone, who has ridden a derby winner since 1945 A. Lester Piggott's cellmate
Q. Why was the washing machine laughing? A. Because it was taking the piss out of the undies
Q. What do you call a fish with no eye? A. FSH
Q. What's the difference between PMT and BSE? A. One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers A. Well endowed
Q. What's 100 yards long and smells of piss? A. The Post Office Queue on Thursday mornings
Q. What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat? A. Bingo
Q. What do Kodak and condoms have in common? A They both capture the moment
Q. What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog? A. When driving in the fog you can't see the asshole in front of you
Q. What is the politically correct name for a Lesbian? A. "Vegetarian"
Q. How can you tell that you have a high sperm count? A. Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q. What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? A. Air pockets
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A. Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt - then he's a goblin'
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday? A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked.
Q. What do women and prawns have in common? A. Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great.
Q. How does every ethnic joke start? A. By looking over your shoulder
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow
Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!!!
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.
A man was going through a long divorce saga, At one time he attempted to reconcile with her. He said to her, "You know I love you. Say those three little words that will make me walk on air." She said, "Go hang yourself."
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?" "I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones. "My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that f#cking thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ar5e!" "Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F#CKING DISHES!!"
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?" Man - "I've got an orange willy doc." Doc - "What??" Man - "My willy - it's turned orange." Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress? Man - "Not really" Doc - "What about stress at work?" Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack" Doc - "That sounds very stressful" Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated" Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?" Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets" Doc - "That sounds stressful" Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier." Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?" Man - "Social life? I don't really have one." Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?" Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits"
What's the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge? By opening the door and putting it in.
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. "That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor. "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly. "Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?" "Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"
President Bush is visiting a school in the U.S. He is in a class room and the teacher asks if anyone has any questions for the President. Billy sticks his hand up. "What's your name" says Mr Bush "I'm Billy" says Billy "Yes Billy" says the President. "I have 3 questions " says Billy. "Go ahead" says the president "1. Why did the U.S.A invade Iraq when it wasn't sanctioned by the United Nations ?" "2. Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes ?" "3. Where is Osama Bin Laden ?" Just then the bell goes for lunch and all the kids rush out to play. After lunch the President says "Where were we, ah yes, question time. Does anyone have any questions ?" Steve puts his hand up. "Go ahead" says the President. "I have 5 questions " says Steve. "Go ahead" says the President "1. Why did the U.S.A invade Iraq when it wasn't sanctioned by the United Nations ?" "2. Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes ?" "3. Where is Osama Bin Laden ?" "4. Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early ?" "5. Where is Billy"
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Amanpreet stood on the first tee at his country club. He's just pulled out his driver when Judi, wearing a wedding dress, came running up to him, crying. "You B'STARD!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy, no-good God damned B'STARD!" Amanpreet calmly replied. "Judi, hon, what's the problem. I distinctly told you "only" if it rained . . . "
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband. When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, Heh, what did he say?? The old man speaks up as he says, HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE. A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, Ma'am I see you're from Florida. The old lady comments, Heh, what did he say?? The old man speaks up as he says, HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.' The old lady nods her head, Yup. The trooper mutters, Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida. The old lady replies, Heh, what did he say?? The old man yells, HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!?
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavoured douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The pharmacist, silly."
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag. 1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?" 2nd blonde: "Chickens." 1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?" 2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!" 1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."
An alien scout ship from the star system Alpha Proxima arrives on earth to search for intelligent life. Not wanting to draw attention to themselves they decide to begin their specimen search at sea. A safe distance from the shores of New Englander they find a promising specimen: a male biped in a rowboat somewhere off the shore of New England. But, to their disappointment, all he can say is, "God Bless America!" Not knowing what do make of this they strap him to their examination table for a series of tests. They knock him out, remove 25% of his brain, and awaken him. "God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly. They knock him out again, remove another 25% of his brain, leaving only 50%, and awaken him. "God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly. They knock him out yet again, remove another 25% of his brain, leaving only 25%, and awaken him. "God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly. Amazed, they knock him out yet again, remove the remainder of his brain, leaving him with none, and awaken him. "God Bless America!" he shouts defiantly. Shock and awe ensues and the alien doctors don't know what to do next, until one of the interns suggests they try methodically removing other parts to see what happens. After some discussion it's agreed that they continue by removing his testicles. "Vive le France!" he shouts defiantly.
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, 'Wheres the god damn manager you cock sucking piece of piss'? The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this hill billy run joint?' "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your fucking piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "Why, that's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed chimp'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice... "Where's that bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?". "Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black? A nun roasting on a spit!
Once there was a little boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.'' The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite. The next Sunday, the little boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby? A: Your dad's a wanker.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, Make me one with everything.
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
What does a fish smoke? Sea weed
What do Glenn Hoddle and the Titanic have in common? Neither of them should have left Southampton.
Three old fans are in a church. The first asks, "Lord, when will England win the world cup?" God replies, "In the next five years." "But I'll be dead by then," complains the old man. The second fan asks, "Lord, when will Arsenal win the European Cup?" God replies, "In the next ten years." "But I'll be dead by then," the old man complains. The third fan then asks, "Lord, when will Spurs win the league?" God answers, "I'll be dead by then."
What is Newcastle United’s favourite drink? 7-up.
A family of Liverpool supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in JJB Sports the son picks up a Manchester United shirt and says to his ten year old sister, "I've decided to become a United supporter and I would like this for Christmas." His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her carton of Embassy Regal and says, "Go talk to Mum". Off goes the little lad with the Manchester United shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum", "Yes son", "I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this and throws her slippers and a full can of lager at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Let's go talk to your father". Off they go to Walton Prison during visiting hours with the Manchester United shirt in hand to speak to his Dad. "Dad", "Yes son", "I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with his fists and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT" and then kicks him from one end of the visiting room to the other for further good measure. About half an hour later they hotwire a car and head towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today". The son says, "Too bloody right I have". "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Manchester United fan for an hour and already I hate you scouse bastards!"