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Jokes Issues 51-60
What do you call a woman that’s terminally ill? Di
What do you call a man who goes to exercise a lot? Jim
What do you call a woman that sings at Christmas? Carol
What do you call a man that everyone wipes their feet on? Matt
What do you call a man that’s just burnt himself? Ash
What do you call a man with no lower legs? Neil
What do you call a woman with cow shit on her head? Pat
What do you call a man with a bowls ball on his head? Jack
What do you call a woman that throws all her bills into the fire? Bernadette.
What do you cal Edward Woodward if you can’t use the letter D? Ewar Woowar.
What do you call a man with three wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward.
What do you call a woman that’s up early every morning? Dawn.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs!
Two aging Palestinians are sitting in a bar in Gaza one day chatting over a pint of goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and tearfully starts flipping through some old photos, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Ahmed. Looks just like me, doesn't he? He's a martyr. Here's my second son, Mohammed. What a good looking young man. He was a martyr, too, you know..." After a long pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says: "They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin' Catholic.
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.......He's naked as well! The b1tch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d1ck off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
What do blondes say after sex? ''Are you boys all in the same team?''
What do you call a man with a one inch penis? Justin
What do you call a man attached to a karaoke machine? Mike
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
What do you call a man lying in a bog? Pete
What do you call a man who shovels dirt into a hole? Phil
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do the films, The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.
A man walks into his local Chiropodist and ousts his cock on to the table, "That's not a foot, " says the chiropodist. "I know," replies the man, "but it's a good eleven inches!"
A teenage girl confesses to her mother that she's missed her period for two months running. They immediately purchase a home pregnancy test, and the result's confirmed. She's up the duff. "bring me the pig who did this to you!" screams her incandescent mother, "I want to see him now!" The girl quickly makes a phone call to her lover, and half an hour later a gleaming, brand new Ferrari pulls up outside the house. Out steps a mature and distinguished gentleman, handsome and impeccably dressed. He enters the house and sits down in the living room with the father, mother and girl. "Good afternoon", he politely greets the family, "you daughter has informed me of the situation. I am unable to marry her due to my personal family circumstances, but rest assured, I'll take full responsibility. If a girl is born, I'll bequeath her three of my shops, two townhouses, a beach house and a £1m bank account. If it's a boy, my legacy will be two factories, and a £2m bank account. If it's twins, a single factory and £500,000 each. However if there's a miscarriage…." The father breaking his stunned silence, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, "You'll fuck her again, right?"
A middle aged woman is at home, merrily jumping up and down on the bed and squealing with delight. Her husband arrives home from work, walks in and is astounded by what he sees. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look," he shouts, "what the hell's the matter with you?" "I just came from the doctor," replies his wife, "he said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!" "oh really," says her husband, "and what did he say about your 40 year old arse?" "Strangely enough," replies his wife, "your name never came up."
What do women and clouds have in common? Sooner or later they fuck off and it's a beautiful day.
A young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it! They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"
A mother and her young son are flying from London to Chicago. After staring out of the window for some considerable time, the boy asks a question. Mum, he asks, if dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes. Certain she'll have to fess up all the mucky details of sex, mum avoids the question. Go and see the stewardess, she replies, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to answer your question. Off the boy skips down the aisle to the stewardess. Excuse me miss, he says, if dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes? Did your mother tell you to come and ask me that? Asks the stewardess, realising the dilemma she faces. Sure did, said the little boy. Well then, starts the stewardess, tell mummy, there are no baby planes because this airline always pulls out on time. Now let her explain that to you.
A curious lad approaches his father, Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? Well son, begins dad, a little taken aback, There are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties a woman's breasts are like melons, firm and round. In her thirties they're like pears - still great but a little bit hanging. Anytime after that, they're like onions. Onions? Asks the lad. Oh yes replies the dad, she peels back that bra and you cry your eyes out.
A little old man boards a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can't help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It's a few uneasy minutes before finally, the little old man can take no more. "Golf balls," he nods reassuringly. The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she pipes up, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Every Saturday for 30 happy years, a man gets up early in the morning and goes fishing. It's his little ritual. He wakes up, prepares some lunch, hooks his boat to the truck and heads out for a day's ocean plucking. One Saturday he wakes as usual, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and hooks the boat up. He opens the garage door… and disaster! There's a torrential downpour outside! Worse, the wind is blowing like a hurricane! It's a tough decision, but wisely the old boy skips fishing for the first time in 30 years - it's just too risky. Miserable, he creeps back upstairs, undresses and climbs into bed. "The weather out there is absolutely atrocious, " he whispers to his wife. "Can you believe it?" she replies, "My husband is out there fishing in that shit!"
A man is holidaying in the Holy Land with his wife and mother in law. Sadly, just hours after they arrive, the mother in law is taken seriously ill, and tragically, she passes away. The very next day, the grieving couple visit an undertaker who explains that while they can ship the body home it will cost over £5,000. To bury the old girl here in the Holy Land, will strip them of only £500. "We'll ship her home," insists the husband. "Are you sure," asks the undertaker, "that seems a huge expense when we could perform a wonderful burial right here?" "You listen to me," reiterates the husband, "two thousand years ago, they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering have you ever cheated on me " "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three. When were they " "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked " "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2 " "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again " "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3 " "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short "
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a new scooter. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going " Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking scooter!"
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
The FBI have just raided Michael Jackson's ranch, they found class A drugs in the kitchen, class B drugs in the bathroom and class 4c in the bedroom
2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking..... ....one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'
Similarity between a three pin plug and Arsenal? Both are no use at all in Europe
An assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska - Missouri game. When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for a while " "Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon." "Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game " "Sure thing." Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Nebraska."
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born " "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born " he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born " he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can be different depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse. Further studies are expected
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick " "My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny. "Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting " the old lady retorted. "No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, 'Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc '' The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbours' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, I need a good guard dog. And the clerk replied, Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate. The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair. The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said Karate my ass!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs, sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean " asked his wife "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Why did the squirrel lay on its stomach? A: To keep it’s nuts warm.
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes sweetie, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No sweetheart, it's because you're 25."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least two minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.. "Disregard," he says, "She got in the back seat by mistake."
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she's 18.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower
A woman was very distressed at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose". The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room". Again the woman did as instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me". So she did. Dr Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem velly bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman said anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr Chang looked her firmly in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ar#e".
A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks "Why?" He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different." She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs. After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag? A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: Get out of my sun!!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning? A: Throw him a buoy !! .
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs? A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
Knock Knock! Who's There? Little boy blue! Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson!!
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"? A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small? A: Because they aren't his!
Michael Jackson went to the video shop and got Aladdin
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? A: Michael Jackson.
Q: He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. A: The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favourite poet? A: Emily Dick in son.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? A: Got two fives for a ten?
Q: Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John? A: It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."
Q: What's sex like for Michael? A: Child's Play.
Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique? A: It's the little boy inside him.
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty? A: Several children have fingered him.
Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called? A: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle."
Q: What's Michaels' next movie? A: Honey I Blew the Kid.
Q. What does Jackson have in common with whisky? A. They both come in small tots
Q. What do Michael and Wal-Mart have in common? A. They both have boys briefs half-off
Aging Mildred is a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom". To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush". Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little p1ssed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"
There’s guy sitting in the bar just looking at his drink. He sits there just staring at it for half an hour. Then a big bloke comes in, snatches it and downs it in one. The man bursts into tears, so the big bloke say, “Sorry mate, it was only a joke, let me get you another one.” The little fella says, “No it’s not that. Today is the worse day of my life. First I overslept and was late for work, so my boss fired me. When I got out to the car park I found that my car had been stolen. So I got a taxi and left my wallet in the cab. And then I discovered my wife in bed with the gardener when I got home. So I came to this pub for a drink and was wondering whether to end it all. And then, just as I decide to go through with it, you show up and drink my poison.”
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what' You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what''''' ''''What, my dear''''' she asked gently. ''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
What is Helen Keller's favourite colour? Corduroy
After God had created Man he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself." Then he turned and looked at the Woman. After he had been studying her for a while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up."
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning. He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?" "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing. "I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor. Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed. The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?" Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!" So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?" Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!" Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36." Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34." "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life. "I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
What is worse than letting Michael Jackson put your kids to bed? Letting Ian Huntley bath them.
A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another''' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.'' The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here: Number 1: It's martini, not martooni. Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, 'You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.' 'But I'm not pregnant,' she says. 'Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,' he says.
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvellous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"
Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighbourhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied............. "They're Carols".
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny answered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
An elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up gain, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught YOU at it, too!"
Paddy Doyle buys some new wellies, and when he gets home he notices that one has R printed on it and the other has L printed on in. He goes back to the shop to find out why. He walks up to the assistant that had sold the wellies to him and asks, “Can you tell me why one of my wellies has R on it and the other has L on it?” The shop assistant replies, “it’s to help people, as R is for right and L is for left.” That’s great exclaims Paddy, and it explains why my wife’s knickers have C and A on them.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
What do Transvestites do for Christmas? Eat drink and be Mary.
Why does Father Christmas have three gardens? So he can go hoe, hoe, hoe.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin. What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband number 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband number 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband number 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband number 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband number 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband number 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband number 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband number 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband number 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband number 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own. "It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."
One night Jake was in a tender mood. He coaxed his wife April upstairs to bed early, turned the lights down low, and made love to her lovingly. Afterwards he held her close, stroked her hair, and ran his fingers all over her body. He said, "I love you terribly." She said, "You certainly do."
A man is laid up in hospital, his nurse by his bedside. “hey, give me a kiss,” he asks. “No” replies the nurse, “I will certainly not.” “Go on,” pleads the man, “just one kiss.” “No” insists the nurse, “I’ve told you already, I won’t.” “Don’t be such a spoilsport,” says the man, “just give us a kiss.” “I’ve told you already, no” replies the nurse, absolutely adamant, “I shouldn’t even be wanking you off.”
A couple are driving down a country road, not saying anything to each other after an earlier “discussion” had gotten out of hand, and neither was willing to concede their position. As they pass a farmyard of pigs, the wife pipes up, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” replies the husband, “The in laws.”
A doctor of psychology is doing his normal evening rounds. He enters a patient’s room, only to find his subject sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with his hand. At once he also notices another patient in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. “What’s going on here?” enquires the doc. “Can’t you see?” huffs the patient, “I’m sawing this piece of wood in half.” “I see, “ says the doc, “and what about him up there, hanging from the ceiling?” “Oh, he’s my best friend, but he’s a little crazy,” shrugs the saw man, “thinks he’s a light bulb!” “If he’s your best friend,” questions the doc, “don’t you think you should tell him to get down from up there before he hurts himself?” The man stops sawing, “What, and work in the dark?”
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, "GO REDSKINS!"
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered. "No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on Earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
A man walked up to an attractive girl on a busy street and said, “Excuse me, I seem to have lost my wife, do you mind if I talk to you for a while?” “How’s that going to help?” asked the girl. “Well,” replied the man, “every time I start chatting to some good looking woman, my wife seems to turn up.”
The new primary school teacher was on playground duty one morning when she spotted one of her class making faces at a little girl. “Now Johnny,” she told him gently, “when I was your age I was told that if I made an ugly face it would freeze and I would stay like that forever.” “Well miss, “ replied Johnny, “you can’t say you weren’t warned!”
Why did the man cross the road? Cos he heard the chicken was a prostitute!!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.
What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
Why do seagulls have wings? To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Amanpreet was visiting the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the immigration desk, he's visibly puzzled filling in the paperwork. The Immigration Officer looks over his shoulder and sees old Lizard Pecker trying to write, "Twice a Week" into the small space labelled SEX. The officer taps Preet on the shoulder and says, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by the question. We're asking, 'Male or Female.'" Preet says, "Does it matter?"
Judi was talking to Carly. "I suspect Chuck used to visit hookers before we met." "Why do you say that?" "One night we were just playing around downstairs. He picked me up and headed for the bedroom." Carly nodded. "Uh huh. So what happened?" "Well, I giggled and said, 'Should I struggle?' And he replied, 'I don't know. Does that cost extra?'"
A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There only 3 survivors: Ian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with Ian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but Ian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Ian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So.... They buried her.
What’s green and smells of pork? Kermit’s middle finger.
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says, "Shit..."
Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are talking when Donald turns to Mickey and says, "I cant believe you have split up with Minnie just because she has big teeth" To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she is fucking Goofy!"
What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common? Neither of them can finish a sentence.
Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a Nan.
They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.
Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."
The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for £5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled £20 note and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product. It was called "Y2K Jelly." What was special about it? It allowed you to get four digits in your date instead of two
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the two take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the Middle East, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the Middle East is the loss of the hand that steals." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
What’s ET short for? Cos he’s got little legs.
Why have elephants got big ears? Cos Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom
What’s the difference between Michelle from Pop Idol and Harold Shipman? Michelle's still hanging.
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Do you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The Queen seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and ALL Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So he slapped the bitch.
A chimpanzee walks into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic with two slices of lemon. The bartender pours the drink and gives it to the chimp, who takes it to a corner table. “Blimey, you don’t see that every day,” exclaims a regular leaning on the bar. “Too right,” replies the barman, “Most customers are happy with just the one slice of lemon.”
An elderly woman is left widowed and the neighbours gather round her house to offer their sympathies. One woman’s curiosity gets the better of her and she asks the grieving widow how her husband met his end. “We were getting ready to host a dinner party,” sobbed the widow, “and I sent Bert to get a fresh head of cabbage from the garden. I waited and waited but there was no sign of him, so I went to look, and found him lying dead in the cabbage patch. It was such a shock.” “How awful for you, “ whispered the neighbour. “What did you do then?” “Well,” replied the widow, “it was getting late and the guests were arriving, so I decided to open a tin of peas instead.”
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Judi decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain. The teacher took Judi to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the mail man!"
A police car pulls up in front of grandma's house and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. Grandma looked at her husband and said, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks. About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his 4X4 over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the vehicle. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pants leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your 4x4 rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."