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Jokes Issues 61-70
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo? Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not Too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's". Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. You sure, son?" says Sven. Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer." Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?" Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock.
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order. O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."
The politician running for President was at a news conference. A reporter jumped up and asked, "Your secretary announced this morning that you have a tiny penis. Would you comment on this?" "The truth is," he said, "that she has big mouth."
"I'm finished with Judi!" Dave exclaimed to his mate Jon. "What'd she do?" Jon asked. "She told me she was . . . bisexual!" "Man. That bothers you that much?" "Hell yeah!" Dave shouted, "Who wants to fuck just twice a year?"
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn. "It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighbourhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough" So the next day he goes to a richer neighbourhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you’re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something." So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one. So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit." And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours. When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it? The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese afella that he awasa in a charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and nocouldafinda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get mesel a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge o' supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!"
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little David. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little David says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little David replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog’s penis he’ll roll over and stop snoring. The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog’s penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. "I don’t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman. "Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains. "Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.
A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try. After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?" "Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc." "So, Dad, do you have a nickname?" "Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" Dunno...Never found the head
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg. The farmer said, 'That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.' 'So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the tourist asked. 'Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he woke us all up.' 'So,' the tourist asked again, 'why does that pig have a wooden leg?' 'Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!'
A man goes to his doctor and says, 'Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. 'It's all cleared up!' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me? ''Lipstick remover.'
A Husband Shopping Centre has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend. There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking. "Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?" So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping.
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree!
Jordan and Peter Andre are having sex in the jungle when they hear a noise. Jordan says 'Is that Johnny Rotten?' Peter answers 'I fucking hope not, its the only one I've got!
Police have named 2 more of the Chinese cockle pickers, Lin Tu Deep, Swim Lo, Fuk en Nippy and Mee Cants Wim
Because of the recent success of the Chinese cockle-picking trip, it has been decided to open up the trip to Turks, Afghans and Iraqis.
New entry into the Chinese charts, straight in at number 1... The Tide Is High (but I'm holding on)
What's the difference between the tide and immigration officers? At least the tide catches the bastards!
They misheard the boss when he said stop cockle picking when the water gets to knee high, NEE HI WAS WAITING IN THE VAN
Police have named 5 of the victims who died at Morecambe Bay at the weekend. They are, 1. Way Ding, 2. Drow Ning, 3. Sin King, 4. Lef Too Dy, and 5. Ty Dis Hi
One of the Chinese at Morecambe phoned his mum on a mobile before he drowned, she asked where are you ringing from, he replied from the waist downwards!
Due to recent bad weather Morecambe council have reviewed their sea defences after they found several chinks in their harbour wall.
Why can’t you get served in a Chinese restaurant in Morecambe......because they are waiting for the staff to wash up
Police have found 18 pairs of shoes in Morecambe bay, they were all winkle pickers.
Cockle pickers wages are to rise to £2 per hour to enable them to keep their heads above water.
Two sharks are swimming in the Mediterranean eating muscles, one says to the other: "I'm bored of these muscles, fancy going Morecambe for a Chinese?"
What's Dwight Yorke & The Israeli Army got in common? Neither of them pulled out of Jordan.
The big time hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a while and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts Stop that! To which the waiter replies, Sure, which way did it go?
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?" he stutters. "I didn't," she answers. "The mailman found it on your night-stand."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, Quick pour me twelve drinks. So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast. The guys says, Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got. The bartender says, What've you got? The guy says, 75 cents.
Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant? A: Is it mine?
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that?" the host asked. Her reply: "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can!"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes"
One evening a preschooler, Kristel, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Kristel asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." Upon hearing this Kristel added, "Because Mommy put you in charge, right Daddy?"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?'' ''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married." "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?" "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are discussing what each would like to be said at their funeral. The priest said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who followed the path of Jesus." The Buddhist said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who strived for enlightenment." The rabbi said that he would like someone to say, "LOOK! He's moving!"
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time. "That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other. "Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch. "Really?" "Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. "Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"
A man staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. The wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where the man had been until two o'clock in the morning. the man looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?" The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
A Scottish Jew who hard worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there and asked why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman’s parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!!!"
"The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies." "Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that." "But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?'' Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B." The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?" The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off. The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter & said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around" says the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour & material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now looking totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded," It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps the staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."
Two scientists, one Russian, and one Czech, devote their lives to studying Ursus Arctos, the mighty grizzly bear. Having petitioned their respective governments for years for a budget to allow them to journey to Yellowstone and study the bears, their requests are finally granted and they fly immediately to the states. They report to the ranger station and are told that it's mating season and therefore too dangerous to be in the field with the beasts. But the pair are having none of it and plead with the ranger. Against his better judgement, he finally gives in but tells them to report in every day on their phones. For several days everything is fine, then nothing. The ranger calls a tracker and after a few hours search, the duo's camp is found completely ravaged with no sign of the missing scientists. The tracker quickly locates a trail from a male and female bear, and before long the search party finds the female bear asleep. One shot and she's dead, and inside her belly the remains of the Russian scientist. "You know what this means don’t you?" says the tracker. "Yep," replies the ranger, "the Czech's in the male".
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don't know."
Ned is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime." "You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he can't hear you.
A lonely frog telephones a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you," replies the personal psychic adviser. "Great," croaks the frog, thrilled to bits, "will I meet her at a party?" "No," replies the psychic, "in biology, tomorrow."
Q. What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? A. Most of the time, an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get an ass so great it brings tears to your eyes.
While touring an Indian reservation in North America, a prudish old documentary maker is puzzled why some of the natives' head dresses have more feathers than others. She approached a brave sporting just one feather: "Can you tell me about your head dress?" "Only have one woman," replies the brave, "one woman, one feather." Slightly taken aback, the film maker decides to interview the tribe chief. Wandering over, she notices his head dress is bristling with all sorts of feathers. "My goodness," she gasps, "could you tell me why you have so many feathers?" The chief stands proud: “Me chief, me sleep with all - big, small, fat, tall - sleep with all." The old girl is astounded: "Why you ought to be hung for such behaviour!" "You damn right," replies the chief, "me hung big like buffalo, long like snake!" "Well there's no need to be so hostile," says the film maker. "Hoss style," continues the chief, "dog style, wolf style, any style - me sleep with all." The old girl is mortified at such promiscuity: "Oh dear..." she sighs. "No deer," frowns the chief, "ass too high, run too fast."
A fighter pilot sits himself down at the bar and orders a drink. A young woman joins him, notices his military dress and strikes up a conversation: "Are you a real fighter pilot?" "Lady, I've spent my whole life flying jets," explains the ace, "deploying to war zones, jinking through dogfights, shooting down bandits. You bet I’m a fighter pilot. Damn good one as well!" The pair sip their drinks, another few moments pass and then the woman speaks up. "I'm a lesbian," she reveals, "spend my whole day thinking about women. Soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think women. I even think about women when I eat. Everything makes me think of women." Again the pair take a sip of their drinks, and sink back into a contemplative silence. A stranger wanders over, orders a drink and settles down next to the pilot. "Hey! are you a real fighter pilot?" The pilot lifts his glass, "You know son, I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian."
Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies Tony. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
Little Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Tony says Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Tony, that's a mouthful." Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go." Little Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'
Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
A Waiter Asks A Customer, "Can I take your order sir?" "Yes", the man replies. "I'm just wondering how exactly do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir, we just tell them straight out they're going to die".
After a long night of passion, the man rolled over, pulled a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously "No silly" she replied snuggling up. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked "No not at all", she said, nibbling away at his ear "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Tony replied: "That's me before the operation"
A man who wanted to buy a parrot went to an animal auction. He found just what he wanted, a beautiful African bird, and decided to bid for it. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the man was the winning bidder. He went excitedly to collect his bird, and suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to ask the most important question about the parrot. “Does the parrot talk?” he asked the auctioneer anxiously. “Of course he talks,” replied the auctioneer. “Who did you think was bidding against you all the time?”
A group of neighbours got together to organise a picnic, but unfortunately forgot to invite an eccentric old lady who lived in their road. On the very morning of the picnic the neighbours realised their mistake and sent one of the children to invite the old lady. The little girl knocked on the old lady’s door and delivered her message, to which the old lady replied, “It’s too late now! I’ve already prayed for rain.”
A Californian woman was sitting next to her pool when a flying saucer came in to land. She calmly watched as a creature emerged that had three eyes, a purple, red and green one, and pointed ears. It walked on its elbows and it’s nose lit up like a light bulb. “Take me to your leader,” it commanded. “Nonsense darling, “ replied the Californian woman, “what you need is a plastic surgeon.”
A rabbi and a catholic priest were having a discussion on the way they disposed of the collection plate. The priest said, “We divide our collection into thirds, one third for the Pope in Rome, one third for the bishop, and one third we keep for the parish.” “Oh I see,” said the rabbi. “Our way is a little different. When everyone has left the synagogue, my wife, my two sons and I put the collection into a blanket. We each take a corner, and I lead the prayers. Then we toss the money into the air. Whatever God wants he keeps, and whatever falls back into the blanket we keep!”
A man’s car stalled in the countryside and a cow walked past and suggested he checked the petrol tank. The startled man ran to the nearby farmhouse and told the story to the farmer. “Was it a Jersey cow?”, asked the farmer. “Yes,” replied the man. “Don’t take any notice – Jerseys don’t know a thing about cars.”
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her butt.
A newly wed couple arrive at a hotel and request the honeymoon suite. “Have you a reservation?” asks the receptionist. “Oh yes,” says the bride, “anal is out of the question.”
Young Martin arrives at school with a cat under his arm. “Now Martin,” asks the teacher, “would you like to tell me why you’ve broken school rules and brought your cat into class?” “I had to” sobs the boy, clearly distressed, “this morning I heard the milkman tell mum that once I’d gone to school, he was going to eat pussy.”
A young man pays a visit to his GP, “Doc, I seem to be having trouble with my ears.” “I see, “ replies the doctor, “what are the symptoms?” “That’s easy, “ said the man, “A yellow cartoon family.”
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of god, "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "Its a planet," replied God, " and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's the north of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire alone, and many impressive towns, it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from North England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, " Wait till you see the set of wankers I'm putting down South!!"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you". "And, what happened to my present?". "Which present?" "What I asked for. The English girl? "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl."
How do you cancel your appointment at the sperm bank? Tell em you can't come.
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a baby goat? The Milky Baaa Kid
The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill." Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill." The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker." The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a pretty famous name." The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've a-been driving a cab here for over forty years."
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?", she asked. "Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
A middle aged woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl The very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29' The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, I won't", she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more. On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?" The girl replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!"
A man walks into his local chemist, “Excuse me,” he says to the assistant, “what are the best condoms you have?” “What colour?” asks the assistant. “Oh it doesn’t really matter,” says the customer. “In that case,” advises the assistant, “we’ve a great offer on 12 ultra-safe condoms, all different colours, for just £1.” Happy to be saving some cash, the customer pays up and leaves. Six months later, the very same man strolls back into the chemist. “Do you sell maternity bras?” he asks. The assistant walks over, “What bust?” “Can’t be sure,” replies the man, “we think it was the red one.”
Four teens are tragically killed when their light aircraft crashes in dreadful conditions. Investigators quickly arrive on the scene and find only a chimpanzee alive by the plane. Dazed the chimp starts making signs and gestures. “I think he’s trying to tell us something,” says the chief investigator, crouching down. “Do you understand me?” he asks the chimp. The primate nods. “Can you show me what these people were doing before the aircraft crashed?” Slowly the chimp raises a hand to his mouth and makes drinking gestures. “Drinking booze,” says the chief, “what else?” The chimp pretends to smoke. “Smoking drugs too, eh?” The chimp nods. “Anything else?” The chimp grabs the man’s leg and thrusts away. “They were having sex?!” The chimp nods it head. “No wonder they crashed,” sighs the investigator, “but I’m confused, what did these idiots want with you?” The chimp grins, hops back into the wreckage and sits proudly on the front seat. “He finally gone cold on you chief?” asks an onlooking officer. “No,” says the chief, “he was the pilot.”
A man’s wife goes missing. Sick with worry he phones the police. After three long days, an officer knocks on his door, cap in hand and with a solemn look on his face. “I’m afraid I have some bad news sir,” he explains, “we’ve just found your wife under the pier, she’s been dead two days.” The man breaks down into a flood of tears. “There, there,” says the officer, “there is some good news.” “really?” sobs the man. “It’s not much,” explains the officer, “but when we pulled your wife up, she was covered in sea creatures – crayfish, crabs, lobsters, you name it. We took them off and figured you might want them. Maybe for the funeral?” “She was always giving,” weeps the distraught man, “even in death it seems. Is that all?” “it is sir,” says the officer, “except that me and a few lads knock off around five, if you fancy it pop down to the pier.” “What for?” asks the man. “Dinner,” says the cop, “We’ve going to pull the old girl up again and see what she’s caught this time.”
A man goes into a pub and walks up to the bar looking like he has just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says the man. "That little git, O'Connor," says the bartender, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says the man, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says the bartender, "you should have defended yourself - didn't you have something in your hand?" "Yes I did," said the man, "Mrs O'Connor's breasts."
A guy walks into a sex parlour goes up to the counter and says "so, what’s today’s special?" and the counter guy says "well we have a lady in back who can suck you off and sing the national anthem at the same time" so he pays walks in back and the lady does exactly what it says on the tin! so anyway he goes to the pub for a while and then goes back to the shop. He asks the same question goes in back and just after she starts he turns on the light, the first thing he sees is a glass eyeball in a cup
David Beckham's ..voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches... A spokesman said, "We heard that he comes over the PA really well."
Why do females pierce their belly buttons? So they have someplace to hang the air freshener.
Three female vampires walk into a bar. The first female vampire walks up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood, the bartender gets the drink and the first female vampire walks off, then comes the second female vampire, "half a blood and lime please" she asks, the bartender gets the drink and then she's off, then comes the third female vampire she asks the bartender for a glass of water, the bartender replies "what no blood???”, she then produces a used tampon and says "no I’m making tea!!!!!"
One day a farmer went to a town to buy some animals. He got to the place and said, "Hi, I'd like to buy a rooster". The man said, "Sir we don't call it a rooster here, we call it a cock." So the farmer replied, "Well then I'll take a cock." Then he looked around and thought that if he was going to buy a rooster he'd need a chicken, so he said, "I'll also take a chicken." The man at the store said, "Sir it is called a pullet here!" So the farmer told him he'd buy a pullet. Then the farmer thought that he'd need a donkey to carry everything since he was walking home. He said, "Hey you know what, I'll take a donkey too." The guy at the store said, "Yes sir but it is called an ass!!" So then the guy at the store explained to the farmer that the ass sometimes doesn't wanna walk. He told him that when this happens all he has to do is scratch its butt and it'll start walking again. On his way home he was walking and suddenly the ass stopped. He pulled and pulled on the lasso but it didn't work. Then the rooster and the chicken started to fall off of the donkey so he grabbed them. After a while he remembered what the clerk told him, but he couldn't put the animals down 'cause he was afraid someone would steal them. He then saw a very attractive young woman walking towards him and when she got closer he asked her, "Hey miss could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
A guy who had been on a business trip for a couple of weeks comes home to find his son, Jimmy, riding a brand new 18 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for that bike?" he asked his son. "It must've been over $200." "It's easy Dad.” replied Jimmy. "I got the money hiking." "Come on, tell the truth." his dad said. "I am telling the truth." his son insisted. Every day you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom, give me $20 and tell me to take a hike."
How can you tell when a man has a good night? He wakes up with a smile on his face and hair in his teeth.
How can you tell when a man has a bad night? He wakes up with a stomachache and a string hanging from his mouth.
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand." The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream. "Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said. "It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost. His wife asked him, "What is it then?" He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."
Once there was a little girl and her parents were fighting, her mom called her dad a bastard and the dad called her mom a bitch. The little girl asks what that means and the dad said a bitch is another word for ladies and bastard is another word for gentlemen. So she said ok and goes on, later on the dad comes in and said honey I'm going to the store what do you need and she said some condoms and pads and the little girls asks what that means and the mom answers it's another word for coats and hats. Later on the mom is in the bathroom putting on make up and said oh shit and the little girl said what does that mean and she said its another word for make-up and she said ok. Then she's goes in the kitchen and her dad is craving the turkey and said fuck and she asks what that means he said its another word for craving the turkey and of coarse she said ok. Soon the doorbell rings and the little girl goes and answers the door and said "Hello bitches and bastards may I take your condoms and pads my moms in the bathroom putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you believe?" "I believe", says Rooney, "you're sitting in my seat."
A man and a woman have lived together for many years now, and even though they are still together, the man knows that the woman cheats on him while he is away. He has a business trip in a couple of days and doesn't want here to end up with another man while he's away. So, he goes to a sex shop and looks around. But thinks nothing will tempt her. As he's about to leave, an old fella behind the counter says "hey, what you looking for?" So he explains his situation and the fella says, "I’ve got just the thing" He pulls out a box from under the counter and opens it on the desk. "But that just looks like any other dildo in this shop" he says. "Ah, yes, but watch. this is a voodoo dick" The man looks puzzled, but he watches. "voodoo dick.." the old fella says, "..the door". Suddenly, the voodoo dick rises up, and start screwing away at the door. Just before the door is about to crack open with a big hole, the old fella says "voodoo dick, back in your box." And sure enough, it goes back into its box. "I'll take it!" Replies the man. When he gets home, he explains to his wife that if she gets lonely, to use the voodoo dick. "all you have to do, is say, VOODOO DICK, MY PUSSY." She nodded and the man was satisfied. A couple of days passes by and the man has left for his trip. The woman becomes irritated and needs some pleasure. She thinks of the fella next door, but then remembered the voodoo dick. She opened the box and said “voodoo dick, my pussy!" And it went to work. After several orgasms, the woman was satisfied and decided to stop. But she couldn't pull it out. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She decided to go to hospital and get help there. She put on a nightgown and got in the car. On the way, she nearly swerved off the road after another orgasm, and she was pulled over by a policeman. "why were you driving dangerously like that? are you drunk?" he asks. "No", she replied "I’ve just got a voodoo dick stuck up my pussy" The policeman looked and said, "yeah, I’ve heard it all before, voodoo dick my ass!"
The company was going through hard times. All but the oldest employees had been laid off. John, the supervisor, was called into the boss' office. "John, I have some bad news," the boss said," We need to lay off six more people. Two of them need to come from your department." "I'm sorry to hear that. That will be a tough decision to make. After all, we only have our most senior people left," replied John. " Here's what I'd do. The two newest people in your department are Jack and Susan. I'd go ahead and get the first who arrives and be done with it," offered the boss. " That's a good idea. I think that's what I'll do," said John. The next morning, Susan was the first to arrive. John approached Susan and said," Susan, I have some bad news. I'm either going to have to lay you or Jack off." Susan responded," Why don't you go ahead and jack off. I've got a headache."
Okay a Celery, Carrot and a Dick are talking about how much there life sucks... The Celery says, "Guys, my life sucks, they cut me up and eat me..." The Carrot replays, "Nah, my life sucks, They chop me up, boil me and than eat me..." Than the dick replays... "Damn you guys have it easy, listen here my life sucks, they put a bag over my head stick me in a dark cave and make me do push ups til' I puke"
One day a travelling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said £165,000. Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?” The old lady said: “For example, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square”. The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?” “Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”. The old lady said to him: “Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”. “No problem” said the president. That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet. On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president. The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them. The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady “What is he doing?” She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 AM today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of England in my hands!”
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late? "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be out of order because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His mate says, "My feet are cold. Would you get my slippers from up stairs for me?" The bloke goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true!" He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
As Judi left the room, Jon asked Amanpreet, "She's spoiled, isn't she?" Preet said, 'Naw. That's just the perfume she uses."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly as he went about doing the examinations. One morning, the young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No Doc, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner'."