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2003 Quotes
Hopalong (to Wes) :- Can you give me any tips?
Ricky Organ :- Have you put on weight?
Squirrel :- Yes Mate.
Ricky Organ :- Doing what?
Squirrel :- Absolutely Fac all.
Hopalong (to Ricky Organ) :- Why won’t you let me kiss you?
Hopalong (to some random person) :- That’s Tessa, she fancies him (pointing at G Man)
Ricky Organ :- And so what was the name given to me that day?
Squirrel, G Man and Melvin (in unison) :- TWAT
Serena - I am pretty sure dad's putting steroids in our food...
Venus - Why do you think that?
Serena - Because I've got hair growing up on my body...
Venus - Really? .... Where?
Serena - On my testicles...
Hopalong (to Ricky Organ): - Shut your b1tch up
Mogadon Man - I’m thinking where I’m going to move to next.
Hopalong - Down south would be good.
Mogadon Man - I’m hoping to get a government job in Amsterdam.
Squirrel - Have you tried the Dutch Government?
Hopalong - Why don’t you get a flight tonight?
Ricky Organ - It’s been a quiet week.
Squirrel, G Man and Hopalong - What?
Various - I have never…..
Ricky Organ - they were very nice, almost perfect.
Sarah (Talking about homeless people) - They always claim to have no money, yet they always have mint sleeping bags
Hopalong & Ricky Organ (Separate occasions, but both talking about joining the Wednesday power league) - What day do we play?
Squirrel (to random woman struggling with heavy bags at Piccadilly) - Do you want a hand with them?
Random Woman - Yes please
Squirrel starts clapping as wandering off.
Yeovil fans after going 3-1 up on Saturday. (In a west country accent to the tune of Go west) - Ooh Aaah, it’s a massa-car
Hopalong - Are you alright?
G Man - Yes Mate, I'm Tip Top, I'm just not sure about the colour of my eye.
The Chemist (In the lounge of Chez Didsbury) - Where's the telly?
The Chemist (In the lounge of Chez Didsbury) - Where's my phone?
Squirrel - Just there on top of the baby.
The Chemist - No, where's my phone?
Squirrel & Hopalong - It's that one there, on top of the baby.
The Chemist - No, I want my phone.
Pause
The Chemist - This one's mine (picking up the one off the top of the baby as pointed out by Squirrel and Hopalong)
The Chemist (after an ear shattering sneeze) - My farts don't normally make a noise.
Squirrel - No Mate, that was a sneeze.
Morning - There's no fat in Ice Cream
Morning (To Squirrel) - I've bet you've got a Stanna Stair lift installed
The Chemist - I forgot that there was a day today.
Unidentified voice from Chez Didsbury living room - Where's Squirrel?
Hopalong - Dunno, Probably gone whoring. (pause) He might be in bed though. (another longer pause) No, no that's not likely, The first one.
The Chemist (5 minutes after coming out of the shower and wrapped in towels) - Why aren't I dry yet?
Hopalong and Squirrel - Have you ever thought about using the towels to dry yourself?
The Chemist - No I just usually wait til I'm dry
The Chemist (talking about Shakira) - Hasn't she got something serious? Like Cancer.
Blank looks from the rest of Chez Didsbury residents.
The Chemist - It might not have been that serious, it might have been a cold.
The Chemist (while watching a Pink video) - Is that her real name?
The Chemist (while watching a Dannii Minogue video) - Is that Pink again?
Morning (while talking about suitcase weight for her impending holiday) - I know how many kilo's I can take, but what is that in Kilograms?
The Chemist (talking about David Pleat) - He didn't look that old when he was younger.
Who else but The Chemist (watching MTV again, Madonna is on) - Who's this?
Hopalong and Squirrel - You are joking aren't you.
The Chemist - I've got a good idea, but I'm not sure.
Hopalong and Squirrel - Tell us who you think it is then.
The Chemist - No, I'm not sure.
Hopalong and Squirrel (eventually after the video has finished) - It was Madonna.
The Chemist - That wasn't who I was thinking of.
Hopalong and Squirrel - Who were you thinking of then?
The Chemist - (after a long silence) I'm not saying.
Squirrel - You were going to say Kylie weren't you?
The Chemist (somewhat sheepishly) - erm, yeah.
First let me draw the scene. Morning is on holiday with her other half Simon (pronounced as if he was Spanish). They are stood outside a restaurant looking at the menu.
Simon - Do you want to eat here then?
Morning - Mmm, I don't know, I fancy Mexican.
They are stood outside the biggest Tex Mex restaurant in the resort, complete with large sombreros on the wall.
The Chemist - You're Idle!!!!! (How the Chemist can possible say that about anyone else just beggars believe)
After the evening’s five a side game
Squirrel - Next week’s game is a ten o clock kick off
D1ckie Boy - What, at night?
Ricky Organ - No in the morning, we’re all taking the day off work
Ricky Organ (Holding bright red Happy Garden menu) - I’m going to ring up and order now
D1ckie Boy - Ask them to deliver a menu, so I can tell you what that dish is called
Ricky Organ - I’m holding it
D1ckie Boy - I need a menu to be able to tell you
Ricky Organ - I’M HOLDING IT - C0CK!
Ricky Organ (trying to suggest that Squirrel is a Country and Western Fan) - So I suppose you like Dolly Parton as well, and that other bloke, erm what’s his name….. Yeah Elvis Brooks
The Chemist - Where was Nez?
Ricky Organ - He’s in Nottingham
The Chemist - Where’s Nottingham?
The Chemist - If you spray anti-freeze on your windscreen when it’s not frozen, will it clean the windscreen?
The Chemist (watching the credits to Get Carter) - Britt Eckland? Is that the same one?
Squirrel (discussing the effects of Stella) - Well, it’s not really a case of wife beater, it’s more a case of egg beater.
The Chemist (as Homer Simpson) - Mmmm Eggs.
Squirrel - You growing your hair then?
Jackie (the blonde bombsite) - Yeah!
Squirrel - Is that so you can sweep it over your face then?
The Chemist (during a conversation about the royal family) - So does anyone know what the story is about Prince Charles?
Ricky Organ, Squirrel, & G Man (pointing out the front page headline in the news of the world right in front of The Chemists face) - What? That one?
Chelsea Fans, during the Chelsea 5 Newcastle 0 game on Sunday - You only score in a hotel! Score in a hotel!
Hopalong & Gemma (Looking at Prince - Hits 1) - What’s the name of the track that has the line about When Doves Cry.
Ricky Organ & The Chemist - Don’t know.
Hopalong & Gemma (Eventually) - Would it be “When Doves Cry”?
The Scene - Morning and Blondie had been b1tching about their other halves all afternoon, and had moved on to talking about the rampant rabbit.
Squirrel (Sarcastically) - At least you won't get sh1t back from it.
Morning - Depends which hole you use it in.
G Man (at the dags.) - It tells you which number they are, but how do you know which trap they've been drawn in?
Bouncer at Tiger Tiger - Sorry lads, but it's couples only.
Hopalong - So, that big group of girls you've just let in are all lesbians then.
Morning (talking about printing off pictures on the printers at work) - I’ve managed to get them so they are full page, but they still print off in black and white.
Blondie - Is Essex in Cambridgeshire?
Morning - Isn’t Essex in Essex?
Seeks (upon seeing Squirrel’s green hair) - It’s Afro turf
During a discussion on drinking milk.
Seeks - I don’t like sterilised milk, it’s like water.
Squirrel - No, that’s Skimmed milk.
Blondie - So what is sterilised milk then?
Seeks - Isn’t that what comes out of women’s boobs?
Blondie - What date is it on the 17th?
Blondie - When they have the boxing at the MEN, do they put the ring in the middle?
Ricky Hatton (in his post fight interview) - It’s not a tickling competition.
G Man - I’m ready
G Man’s Dad - No you’re not, you’re still in bed.
It’s chucking out time at Brannigans, and there is a crowd at the top of the stairs preventing access to the cloakrooms and toilets.
Hopalong - What’s the hold up?
Random person - Someone’s collapsed on the stairs.
Squirrel - So? Just step over him.