Sign In Sign-Up

Welcome!

Close

Would you like to make this site your homepage? It's fast and easy...

Yes, Please make this my home page!

No Thanks

  Don't show this to me again.

Close

Surerandomality Issue 1

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the first issue of surerandomality. As regular recipients of crap from me, many of you will have noticed that the output has been somewhat lacking this week. This has been due to the fact that I’ve been a busy little bastard this week, and the contributions from the usual suspects have been, somewhat less than Tip Top. However the reduction in e-mail traffic has led to the increase in random thought patterns and hence I’ve come up with the idea of sending everything out in a single publication every Friday morning, so here it is.

JOKES

Well, due to the severe lack of any quality material this week, here are some groan worthy efforts sent to me over a month ago that I couldn’t be arsed to send on then

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist, "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your head and he is bound to start something."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty dollar note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the manager’s office: "There's a woman to see you, she's $100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD’s? In Iraq.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands of nut chips. Police say that he topped himself

And finally one from the mists of time that for some reason the 50 something woman who told it and the table of her friends thought was the funniest thing they’d ever heard, now, even taking into account the alcohol factor, I’m really not sure, but whatever, it’s certainly surreal enough to get in here. “What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same!”

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Find attached the latest table, and if you haven’t done your transfer yet then get it to me before kick off tomorrow, I’ll be in work for a change so you can e-mail it, and you should all have my phone number just in case e-mailing a response is a little bit difficult for you. The Cherokee Hair Tampons still have a 20 point deduction due to the fact that their owner is still a smug bastard, and is trying to dispense transfer advice, perhaps he could give some to old Arsene.

FILM REVIEWS

1.         Stigmata - The biggest pile of shite since Grease 2 - 0/5

2.         Snatch - No plot, no humour, and sub standard acting, a waste of 2 hours of my life - 1/5

COMPETITION TIME

One of the above is a blatantly Mickey mouse, spurious, not genuine review, and is worth… fuck all, the other is entirely correct, you have to decide which is the false one, the first correct answer drawn at random on Wednesday morning wins a minutes trolley dash around the storage warehouse for unsold and returned copies of stigmata. To enter send your answer to the E-Mail address at the bottom of this issue.

STORY TIME

I’ve been thinking about reincarnation this week, whether it really happens, as there are people who believe in it, and obviously those that don’t, anyway after serious thought, came the idea of what would be the worst thing to be reincarnated as. Well after many hours of consideration and reflection here it is.

POP

Oh my god, where am I, what has just hit me? Whoa, visual overload, I can see everywhere at once, all I seem to have is eyes, I can see up, down and all around, all at the same time, I don’t even know which is which is which, though part of me is resting on something, so I can assume that that is down. Can’t seem to move though, I don’t seem to have any extremities, or anything except eyes and little pieces of skin between them, I’ll count how many I’ve got.

Some time later.

That was so hard, I can’t close my eyes at all, I’ve started over 20 times and lost count, but I think I’ve got it as I’ve had the same total the last twice. 392!!!!! I thought I’d managed to close them at one stage but it had just got dark all of a sudden. I still can’t move and I can’t speak, and unless it is quieter than I thought possible I’m quite sure that I’m deaf. I also fairly sure that I’m some kind of spherical shape, which would explain why I can see everywhere at once.

Ooh there appears to be some light coming from somewhere, I get the feeling that I might be in some kind of container, I can see a couple of other shapes in the murky light, that look kind of round, I wonder if they’re the same as me, if they are I hope my eyes don’t look like that, just simple white, they look quite freaky. There appears to be something written on them, one appears to read “Titlei” and the other appears to read “st Pro 1”. Perhaps they’re names, and perhaps that’s what hit me earlier, something stamping my name on me, that would explain those little black bits I can see over about 12 of my eyes. I wonder what my name is?

aaaaeeeeeeiiiiiii , shit, earthquake, HELP, god I wish I could speak, the whole world’s moving, and I’m been shaken around like crazy. …….. It’s stopped. aaarghh no it’s back, calm down, take deep breaths. Hold on I don’t appear to need to breath, plus I don’t have anything to breath through.

HEY WHAT’S GOING ON, I’ve been reincarnated as an inanimate object, Shit, I should have behaved last time round. This means that I am in a container, and this is no earthquake I’m just being moved somewhere. I wonder what on earth I am; always assuming I’m on Earth. I wish whatever’s moving me would take it easy this is a bit bumpy.

Finally

Oh, we appear to be here, wherever that is. Whoa bright light, the containers open. Huh what the, HEY let me go. Something’s got hold of me and a lot of the light has gone. Shit is that the ground, god I must be miles above it, I hate heights. Oh no I’m falling, this is it, I’m a gonna when I hit the ground, such a short strange life.

Ooof, thud. That didn’t hurt that much, shit is that grass, it seems so big, god, not only inanimate but small as well. No wonder it looked so far down, hold on, up I go again, ooh not far this time, I appear to be on some kind of little seat just above the grass, what was that moving me? God, whatever it was it’s tall, well will you look at that it’s a human. Haa, will you look at the stupid trousers it’s wearing, what a clown. Hold on what the fuck is it doing with that stick. Oi NO, HEY! OH SHHIIITT!

BANG

Oooowwwww! FUCK, shit, goddamn, that fucking hurts. OH shit SHIT shit shit, BASTARDS, reincarnated as a fucking golf ball. Shit I’m going at some speed, must be over 120 mph, whoa the wind is flowing around my eyes, tut, they’re not eyes are they, they’re fucking dimples. Ground alert, prepare for impact, no, no, NO, NOOOO!!

SPLOSH!

Not only did I end up as a fucking golf ball, but some half witted useless hacking bastard had to buy me, first fucking hit and here I am in the middle of a fucking pond, or lake or something, whatever it is it’s bleeding deep. I’ll be here forever, just me and my mind until I decompose, I wonder if golf balls decompose, and how long it takes them. Does it matter, what a way to see out eternity. If only I’d have come back as a bra.

RANDOM FACTS

The Titleist Pro V1 golf ball has 392 asymmetric dimples.

The fastest speed recorded for hitting a golf ball is 310 kph (194 mph), the average speed for your everyday hacker is about 200 kph (or 125 mph).

Parliament has only ever been in session outside of London three times, twice in Oxford and once in Leicester.

There are only 2 cathedrals in Britain that have 3 spires; Truro and Lichfield.

A size 3 egg has to weigh between 60 and 65 grams.

AND FINALLY

Another weekend gallops onto the horizon, and doubtless will disappear into the distance far too quickly, not helped by doing another working weekend. As has been promised so many times before I do want to take it easy on Friday, and this time I do mean it, especially if it involves avoiding another face painting incident, would be a good idea to avoid face painting on Saturday as well, as due to the fact that it’s Becky’s birthday the destination is going to be Canal Street. That could get messy, See y’all next week.

To unsubscribe from surerandomality then please send an e-mail to surerandomality@hotmail.com naming all the Earl’s of Leicester and I’ll think about it. If you wish to make contributions to surerandomality then send them to the same address. Births, Marriages, Deaths and other important messages also considered. If you know someone who deserves to receive this shit then let me know.

TOTAL = 5

Back to Menu

Return to Main Menu