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Surerandomality New Year Edition
Welcome to the New Year Edition of Surerandomality, and yes it’s long, in addition to all the usual crap there’s also a special awards section reviewing some of the events of 2002. Well it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster week. Friday started in traditional fashion with Squirrel and G Man on a pub crawl, this time down Deansgate, before hitting Walkabout and Teasers and on for a curry, whilst Hopalong stayed at home, which of course led to the early hours of the morning let’s ring Hopalong up phone call, and a great comedy voice mail, due to the fact that G Man couldn’t remember anything after the first tequila in Walkabout, and Squirrel thinking that G Man was actually talking to Hopalong and not leaving a message on his answer phone. When they eventually got home they put the stereo on full blast and proceeded to cause untold damage to G Man’s room, with a smashed lamp, and broken CD's being a couple of the casualties. Saturday saw Squirrel working, and Hopalong getting revenge for being woken the previous evening by deciding to record himself a minidisc by playing CD's at the maximum possible volume, and it also saw the return of Ricky. In the evening Squirrel went out to meet up with Wes, Becky and Vicky, but found out that Becky had been rushed into hospital. Still met up with Wes, Pod and Steve. Wes and Pod went into town, and Steve went home after an epic pool session, which left Squirrel to his own devices in the Orange Grove, he quickly moved on to XS seeing as how the Orange Grove was scally central, little did he know that it was going to be the Manchester reunion of www.fatminger.com there. He pulled two that were friends, and then went to retreat home quickly upon last orders, this was somewhat slowed by the entire Greater Manchester Constabulary being parked outside and all around XS and through most of Fallowfield after some kind of serious scally gang fight. Wes, somewhat amazingly, and in stark contrast to both his previous form and local events managed to make it through the evening without fighting. Sunday saw Squirrel visiting Becky in hospital, along with Vicky, and the quote from Becky “I’ve not been sick for ages”, just prior to puking within moments of being given her first dose of Morphine When Squirrel got home G Man and Ricky were in full flight of what turned out to be a three day marathon to complete The Getaway, as they played Monday, Squirrel was visiting again, and then for a few swift drinks in Revolution with Vicky. New Year’s eve started with Hopalong off for a meal with Mary before going to The Old House At Home, Paul made the trip down from Newcastle, and went out with Ricky and G Man, Squirrel met up with them later in Hogshead after another visiting session, they went on to Jabez, where all 4 managed to pull, their arrival back at Chez Didsbury was accompanied by the now familiar tones of Gold being sung at the top of their voices (well Squirrel’s anyway). Wes ended up in XS for a not so tip top evening, and Me Laird had a mad one that finished at 3pm New Year’s Day. New Year’s day was lounging, mixed with watching sport and hospital visits, and also saw in some New Year resolutions, the most outrageous being that Squirrel is giving up drinking, which has led to a book being formed on the length of time he is going to manage to keep to this. And so one year draws to a close and another one starts, BUT whatever happens it will be here. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.
The “Stella Live” event of the year – G Man’s birthday weekend
The “Tone Deaf” Karaoke anthem of the year – Spandau Ballet – Gold
The “Dancing Bear” dance anthem of the year – Alcazar – Crying at the Discotec
The “Sunken Battleship” award for most alcohol (total volume) consumed – Squirrel
The “Pavement Pizza” puking champion of the year – Hopalong
The “Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen” award for interior taxi design – Ricky
The “Bryan Adams” Waking up the neighbours award (1) Door Knocking – Hopalong
The “Bryan Adams” Waking up the neighbours award (2) Singing / Music – Squirrel
The “Anne Widdecombe” award for biggest minger pulled – Squirrel
The “It’s good to talk” best comedy misdial at 3am award – Ricky
The “Fuck off Santa” award for most embarrassing moment at a work do – G Man (Closely followed by two of his housemates)
The “ZZ Top” worst shaver award – Hopalong, disably helped by G Man for their piss poor attempt to shave Squirrel’s eyebrow
The “Eminem Guilty Conscience” award for minimal contact – Big Nick in Walkabout
The “I know a shortcut” most torturous route home award – Paul
The “David Bailey” where’s my camera missed photo opportunity award – Hopalong, the morning after the England – Sweden world cup game
The “Kronk’s Gym” best punchbag award – Wes
The “Walkabout” best use of a table – Becky on Squirrel’s birthday in the Footage and Firkin
The “Keith Gillespie” gambler of the year award – Hopalong
The “Darren ‘sicknote’ Anderton” award for outstanding attendance at work – G Man
The “Young Ones” dedicated student award – Bruce
The “Jamie Theakston” most frequent window shopper (Amsterdam style) award – Me Laird
The “Oxfam Special Appeal” buy a longer, baggier top award – Shared, Zoe " Jacqui
Happy new year to everyone, don’t forget that your New Year’s resolution is to spread the word – press gang a subscriber today.
Best Wishes to Becky, who is undergoing treatment in hospital. Wishing a speedy (and hopefully permanent) recovery.
A reminder to all those last minute shoppers that there are only 356 shopping days til Christmas.
A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps bugging her until she agrees. He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of Independence?" She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives up and gives her $50. The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep. Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?" Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a $5.00 bill.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?", The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft center, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they went. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?". I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol!".
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.
Even if you're not Martha Burk, it's not easy to play a round of golf at Augusta National golf course. Even if you try to jump a fence in the middle of the night to grab a few holes before the sun rises. Augusta, Ga., police arrested two men early Friday after spotting them trying to scale a fence outside the prestigious course with clubs and golf balls in hand. William Hamilton DeLong, 23, of Augusta, and Clemson student David Stephen Cooper, 25, were charged with disorderly conduct. Police said the men were lying on the grass outside National's Gate Seven, holding golf balls and two Dunlop gold clubs. According to the police report, the men -- now this is hard to believe -- appeared to be intoxicated. - Midnight golf, a top idea, right where's the nearest course.
Aaron Bell, 19, has been convicted of robbery after a particularly lame effort on his part: Bell decided to hit the KFC store in West Philadelphia, Penn., during the hours the safe's timelock wouldn't open. He should have known that -- he had worked as a cook at the very KFC he was robbing for 2-1/2 years. He wasn't wearing a mask or disguise, and all the employees knew who it was that was robbing them. Bell left empty-handed ...and showed up at the store to work his next-scheduled shift three days later. "He was acting like nothing had happened," said the prosecutor in the case. Employees called the police while Bell was in the men's room, changing into his uniform. - >Well he certainly had the minerals, but isn’t exactly Mr. Current Affairs
Two this week from the Boxing night double bill that Squirrel and G Man sat through.
Evolution – Was this supposed to be a comedy in it’s own right or a parody, either way despite a few funny lines it’s just too cheesy to be any good, it had all the traditional stereotypes, for an alien encounter comedy, could have been better, but fine if you don’t want to use your brain. 2/5
Pitch Black – More Sci Fi, with Vin Diesel and loads of Aussies on a nightmare planet. Again a no brainer which just leaves you wondering two things. 1. Is it worth trusting anyone, and 2. How did Vin Diesel become such a big star off the back of this?? 2/5
First of all the answer to last week's question. The Shawshank Redemption, which no one managed to guess. I can't believe the amount of people who opted for Snatch, I just don't know what would have given so many people the same idea. So, anyway I still haven’t managed to get rid of this fucking Santa hat.
…Continued from two weeks ago.
The surprising thing was that faced with what could possibly be a life-threatening situation he didn't black out or faint. Considering his rather fragile state of mind today, with the memories of Claire and seeing the woman who had been forever ahead of him, and was actually sat next to him now, and the strange beautiful woman who knew him, and was sat just across the aisle from him, he was feeling in a state of mental awareness.
The man in the aisle to his right was the kind of person for whom the phrase non-descript was made for. In normal light blue denim jeans, and a Fred Perry polo shirt, he was neither exceptionally tall, nor short. He was of medium build, and as he looked around the cabin there were no distinctive features on his face, his hair was brown and short. In fact he was the kind of person that you would walk past and not give a second glance to, he could be any one of a hundred similar men that you would walk past every day and not know whether you'd seen them before.
The man who had entered the cockpit was virtually the same. Again he had light blue denim jeans on, and a polo shirt, his hair was short, but was slightly darker than his compadre, he was of medium build and height, and had the same kind of non descript features, again totally unremarkable.
He thought about this for a moment, and considered whether this was a deliberate tactic. After all they would be the kind of people that wouldn't arouse suspicion, they looked like everyday people, and you really wouldn't look at them twice in normal circumstances. These however weren't normal circumstances and everyone was looking at them more than once, in fact virtually everyone was looking at them and they weren't drawing admiring glances.
From a couple of rows in front of him a woman screamed, at first he felt surprised that it had taken so long, but in reality it probably had been less than 30 seconds. This was quickly followed by further screams from back in the standard class cabin, which suggested that there were more hijackers back there, and he briefly wondered if they were all as non descript as the two up here. The screaming went on for what seemed to be an age, but he was sure in reality was only about 20 seconds, before the pilot's voice came somewhat shakily over the plane's speaker system.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, as you may have noticed there are several gentleman walking around the plane in jeans and polo shirts carrying guns. They insist that no harm will come to anyone on board as long as their requests are followed. They would however like to point out that they will shoot any passenger or member of crew that tries in any way to interfere with them. Furthermore they request that there is a level of peace and quiet on board. It is with regret that I inform you that the destination of the aircraft is no longer Philadelphia, but has been altered to Nyuk. All passengers with serious medical ailments will be allowed to leave upon landing, but the rest will remain. Please try to remain calm while we continue with our flight."
Nyuk! Why on earth would anyone in their right mind, or for that matter out of their mind want to hijack a plane and insist that it lands in Greenland. He couldn't believe it, he knew that in hijack situations some strange locations were requested but this would surely take the biscuit, cake and the rest of the confectionery section. He had serious doubts that Greenland even had an airport capable of landing a plane of this size, and he had visions of them skating off miles into the middle of frozen wastes like a kid trying to stop at the bottom of a hill after a toboggan ride. With this vision he laughed, he thought it was to himself, but the turning of heads, and staring eyes that looked upon him suggested that it had been out loud.
The hijacker in the aisle to his right turned and pointed his gun at him. "What do you find so funny?" the hijacker asked with a perfect English country gentleman accent. He looked at the hijacker and said "It's been one of those days, there's only so much freaky shit that can happen to an individual in the course of a single morning, before he needs a release, and the though of going sliding across Greenland's frozen wastes in a massive metal tube just seemed funny." The hijacker eyed him suspiciously and put his gun down, and then walked to the cockpit to talk to his compadre. They both spoke and turned towards him and pointed. Great he thought, just what he needed, he had already attracted the attention of the hijackers.
To be continued…. (And there may even be some action)
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 calibre machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Logarhythm (n).
The shaking of one's arse in an attempt to break the neck of a dangling turtle. The working out of a simple harmonic motion.
Just the table and list of this month's transfers. A quick mention as the Cherokee Hair Tampons begin a spectacular slide down the table. Also worth noting is the amazing surge put together by Bonus FC, who in the space of just over a month has climbed 8 places and caught the leader to the tune of over 100 points. Which just goes to prove that it's not too late to be making that surge for glory, well with the possible exception of Banjo Wielding Strikers, who would be lucky to make a surge to get off the bottom, let alone get into the top half.
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Annual Table |
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Position |
Team |
Points |
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1st |
Free Transfer XI |
977 |
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2nd |
Relegated By Christmas |
957 |
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3rd |
Shhoooooottt!!! |
952 |
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4th |
The Cherokee Hair Tampons |
946 |
|
5th |
Bonus F.C. |
932 |
|
6th |
And Sergei Rebrov Wins The Golden Boot |
901 |
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7th |
Heald Place Harriers |
872 |
|
8th |
Nottingham Saints |
840 |
|
9th |
Wednesday Wannabes |
829 |
|
10th |
SMB Arsenal |
828 |
|
11th |
Steps Into Jansen's Ring |
808 |
|
12th |
Big Unit's Cherries |
787 |
|
13th |
Cartman's Heroes |
785 |
|
14th |
Geordies On Top |
757 |
|
15th |
Helen Chamberlain's Body Stocking |
750 |
|
16th |
Maine Road 1923-2003 |
739 |
|
17th |
Premiership Rejects |
735 |
|
18th |
Banjo Wielding Strikers |
672 |
|
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Upto and Including 1st January |
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January's Transfers
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And Sergei Rebrov wins the Golden Boot |
Defoe |
Wes |
3 |
|
Baros |
Liv |
3.5 |
40 |
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Banjo Wielding Strikers |
Defoe |
Wes |
3 |
|
Fowler |
Lee |
4.5 |
38 |
|
Free Transfer XI |
Sinclair |
Wes |
2.5 |
|
Tugay |
Bla |
2 |
38.5 |
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Geordies On Top |
Given |
New |
3.5 |
|
Robinson |
Lee |
2 |
38.5 |
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Heald Place Harriers |
Flitcroft |
Bla |
2.5 |
|
Fernandez |
Sot |
2 |
39.5 |
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Helen Chamberlain’s Body Stocking |
Maccarone |
Mid |
3 |
|
Euell |
Cha |
2.5 |
39 |
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Maine Road 1923-2003 |
Hasselbaink |
Che |
6 |
|
Beattie |
Sot |
3 |
37 |
|
Relegated By Christmas |
Redknapp |
Tot |
2.5 |
|
Parker |
Cha |
2 |
39.5 |
|
Shhoooooottt!! |
Redknapp |
Tot |
2.5 |
|
Fernandez |
Sot |
2 |
39 |
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SMB Arsenal |
De La Cruz |
Ast |
2 |
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Le Saux |
Che |
2.5 |
40 |
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Steps Into Jansen’s Ring |
Solano |
New |
4 |
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Murphy |
Liv |
4 |
38 |
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The Cherokee Hair Tampons |
Van Der Saar |
Ful |
4 |
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Swartzer |
Mid |
1.5 |
37 |
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Wednesday Wannabies |
Di Canio |
Wes |
3 |
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Rooney |
Eve |
2.5 |
39.5 |
The post bag was loony, and e-mail responses were through the roof, as you all tried to get on your high horse. The response to the Save the Golf Ball Appeal is still going quite well, with quite a few donations this week, and very generous ones at that, it must be the festive spirit of giving coming through. The grand total still stands at £424.21, 17 second " 15 First class stamps, 88 euros, $14.01, 10 drachma, 18 Yen, 217 Australian dollars, 5 Krugerands, 22 Luncheon Vouchers, £10 worth of Argos vouchers and £1420 worth of HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in. We have found out this week that we have been awarded registered charity status and all the tax benefits that go with that.
In regards to Rex, I have received a letter from Mrs Doris Edwards of Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset asking "I can see money being raised for the Rex appeal but I haven't heard of any update on how the appeal is tackling the problem of finding Rex. It would be nice to know what is being done with our money." At present many readers have been touring golf clubs around Britain to leave posters on their noticeboards, asking if any of their players has recently bought a new box of Titleist Pro V1 golf balls, and managed to hit the first one they took out of the box straight into a water hazard. As yet there have been no positive feedback, though there have been several abusive e-mails and letters arriving, most of which have been headed up Dear Sad Bastard. I will of course let you the readers know the moment we have a breakthrough.
Following on from moans from our German readers our solicitors have received official correspondence from the German embassy, asking for an official apology, and after advice from my legal team I have agreed to do this. So here it is. I apologise that the Germans are a race of overbearing, jackbooted nazis with the single idea of taking over the whole of Europe, and after failing in two world wars they are currently failing by stealth through the European community. I also apologise for the fact that they have absolutely no dress sense, and that dodgy 70's style perms and moustache combinations are the norm, that they are towel bearing sunbed thieves, and finally or the fact that they have absolutely no sense of humour.
In the danger of reopening old wounds I have had a letter from Sidney Unit of Abingdon, Oxfordshire. "Having spent time in my life in both Redcar and Staffordshire, I can quite safely say that neither of them are really worthy to be considered habitable for humans, and should be avoided at all costs, as should Morecombe, Rhyl, St. Austell, and most of Suffolk".
I have received a further e-mail from BigShakyCross@Hotmail.com with regards to tracking down an Andy Wallace, pleading for me to give her his e-mail address. Unfortunately due to the Data Protection Act that applies in this country I am unable to send this on, but I have e-mailed him personally to see if he is in fact the mystery daddy.
Finally I have received direct correspondence from Mr Perrin of Hunstanton, Norfolk (well prison actually but that is where he comes from), thanking me for his Christmas card and saying that in retrospect he knows that he was foolish in his attempt to mail bomb Surerandomality. He is also dropping all civil cases that he had outstanding against me. This means that I only have to go down to that god forsaken part of the country once now, and that is to give evidence to make sure that the little bastard does serious time.
Yet again, plans are null and void without substance or content, you’ve got to spread the word, stop the nonsense. No idea what is going on this weekend, which probably means that I’m not exactly Mr Current Affairs, the normal weekend madness may not happen due to the strange feeling of having a weekend in the middle of the week, added to the fact that Squirrel has given up drinking all together, Hopalong is temporarily stopping, and Ricky is cutting down to once a week, the normal alcoholic madness may not occur, though don’t hold your breath as they are perfectly capable of taking the jam out of anyone’s doughnut even when sober, and them getting through a weekend incident free is going to be harder than a coffin nail. Just remember though Hopalong, stay out of those casinos (Viva Las Vegas). See y’all next week
To unsubscribe from surerandomality then please send an e-mail to surerandomality@hotmail.com naming all the Earl’s of Leicester and I’ll think about it. If you wish to make contributions to surerandomality then send them to the same address. Births, Marriages, Deaths and other important messages also considered. If you know someone who deserves to receive this shit then let me know. If you would like to receive back copies of surerandomality (hurry as stocks are running out, Issues 2, IV, and E already having sold out, though due to demand a new print run is being done in the near future) then please send a cheque or postal order for £5 per issue ordered made payable to Surerandomality UK to the following address Surerandomality UK, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP. If you wish to donate to the save Rex appeal then please send donations to the same address, BUT made payable to Surerandomality Rex Appeal. Please note that our Registered Charity Number is 248163264. Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you? All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s lawyers. S. Crude " S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 5AM.
TOTAL = 13
CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 82