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Surerandomality Tribes of Israel Issue

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Surerandomality Tribes of Israel Issue, Due to feeling like absolute shit this week, this probably isn’t going to be the most coherent edition ever written. Friday saw G Man and Hopalong going for the 2 days off look more convincing than 1 excuse, which led to lots of, Chess, Darts, and Hawk playing. Squirrel went to visit Becky, and when he got back everyone was just lounging, and watching Scarface, when at 12.30 Squirrel got a phone call from Morning “Why aren’t you in XS?”, within 15 minutes, Squirrel, G Man and Ricky were in XS, where they bumped into Wes, who was sporting a nice bandage around his right wrist, an injury he’d picked up fighting the previous Saturday. Morning was in a very agitated state (something to do with Barbie’s other half) by the end of the evening, and had tried completely reshaping Squirrel’s shirt. Her mates had all buggered off, so she got the bus back to Chez Didsbury and got a taxi from there (after bitching about having to walk down Fog Lane). Saturday saw no inclination from G Man or Hopalong to do anything, but Ricky was really up for going out, and so when Squirrel got in, off they went. Wanting to do something slightly different they started in Edwards, and then did AM:PM, Wave and Yates’, all of which had a clientele made up of 18-year-old scallys or 40 somethings. They then headed on to the casino (Viva Las Vegas), where Ricky used the chips he’d had since his last visit, and he actually came out even. Sunday saw a mega lounging day, with the only person to leave the house being Ricky who went and bought a blender and shitloads of fruit and then proceeded to make smoothies. Monday saw Squirrel taking a rare day off work, and meeting up with Becky (who’d got leave from hospital for the day seeing as it was her birthday), and Vicky who was up for the day, Then on to Kosmos for a meal which due to various afflictions was only really thoroughly enjoyed by Malc. For the first time in ages there weren’t any mid-week excursions, and it looks like a full week at work by everyone. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

After weeks of hard graft it’s here! The Surerandomality web site is now operational and can be found at surerandomality.20fr.com

Congratulations to Mrs April Edwards, of St. Leonard’s, East Sussex, who is 100 on Tuesday and therefore lays claim to being Surerandomality’s eldest reader.

Commiserations to the family of Mr David Guilbert of Etratat in Northern France, who tragically died after losing his footing whilst walking along the cliff top footpath, fell to his death 100 feet below.

A reminder to all those last minute shoppers that there are only 342 shopping days til Christmas. Along the same lines it is worth pointing out that it isn’t long until Easter, so get out there early and get loads of Cadbury’s Crème Eggs and send them in to me.

JOKES

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" He looked at her and replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

A man walks into a bar. As he passes the cigarette machine, he hears it say, "You smell bad and you are ugly." Then he hears a voice apparently coming from a nearby plate of peanuts. "You really are a very handsome young man." the nuts claim. The man turns to the bartender and asks for an explanation. The bartender replies, "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary."

A little boy goes shopping with his mum and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out. While waiting, the little lad gets bored and as his mum comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out, she invites him over. After an hour she says, "You know you can go a little further if you want" "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well why don't you put your hand down my pants?" she says. "Hell no" he cries, "you've got teeth down there" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there" "Yes there are" he says, "my mum told me" "No, there aren't" she insists. "Here have a look for yourself" she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "look I don't have any teeth down there!" The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.  He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says, "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name" Girl: "Sharon" Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes" Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Romford, mate"

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!? said the Essex girl. "There's hundreds of them!"

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed. Sharon: Ok Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain’t being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it" So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot" "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam." "Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!" "I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today.  If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty." Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?" He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied. "Would you know which way it went?" She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. Didn't you get my note?" "Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Police in Surrey, B.C., Canada, responded to a house after someone there called 911 and hung up. Officers discovered that an unnamed 60- year-old woman in the house heard that if she dialed 9111, she'd get a recording that would tell her if the police were tapping the phone. The story is an urban legend and is, of course, false. When officers arrived, they found "a reasonably sized marijuana growing operation" in the house, a police spokesman said. The woman and three men in the house were arrested on drug charges. (Vancouver Sun). - It really is difficult to believe just how stupid some people are.

On New Year's morning, two teenaged boys in Edmonton, Alta., Canada, tried to rob a pizza deliveryman -- of the pizzas he was carrying. They failed. They then jumped into the man's car and tried to steal it -- but they couldn't figure out how to drive a manual transmission. The duo then again tried to steal the pizzas -- just as the police arrived. They were both charged with robbery. A police spokesman noted "It's very early, but we may not see a more poorly thought-out robbery this year." - Perhaps it’s just Canadians that are this stupid

REVIEW TIME

Here’s this week’s random reviews

Another Tottenham / 49ers double bill saw quite a different outcome this week, with Tottenham doing just enough to win a 4-3 thriller against Everton in a match that won’t be remembered for quality defending. Speaking of quality defending, there was some in evidence in the 49ers game, however it all came form Tampa Bay, added to the fact the 49ers made some of the biggest boneheaded mistakes and poor calls ever seen in one game, led to a 31-6 massacre, the only thing keeping it down to this reasonable score was the Buccaneers taking it easy in the 4^th quarter.

In order to liven things up after this massacre, it was time to view something really violent. Well there can’t be many more violent things around than Hard Boiled. Made by John Woo in 1992, and starring Chow Yun Fat, from the opening scene with a tea house blood bath, right through to the end and a patient massacre in a hospital, there are more deaths featured on screen than any other film made. Full on blood and gore all the way through, you have to concentrate, as it is only subtitled into English, and the subtitles can move pretty sharpish. Not for the squeamish but definitely worth watching for everyone else. 4/5.

COMPETITION TIME

First of all the answer(s) to last week's question. It would seem that you lot aren’t exactly Mr / Miss / Mrs current affairs are you? Seeing as I virtually gave you the answer just prior to asking the question, no one got that it was Stan Bowles who used to hold the record for most goals scored in a European campaign. Therefore no one won the year’s subscription to World soccer, and therefore it will be carried over as the prize for this week’s competition.

For this weeks seeing what the prize is, I’ll stay on a football theme. In order to in the year’s subscription to World soccer, all you need to do is to tell me which Tottenham Hotspur player scored 49 goals in all competitions in the 1986-87 season?

STORY TIME

Yet again an interruption in the main story caused by illness and laziness, if you want to catch up just go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm

He needed to run, but that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, seeing as his feet had turned into giant mushrooms. He knew that athlete’s foot was a kind of fungus but this was fucking ridiculous. He had tried putting his weight on his mushrooms, but they didn’t like it, they bruised and damaged with even the slightest pressure.

No matter what, he needed to get out of this tropical greenhouse he’d been in for the last two weeks, he was sure that is what had caused his feet to turn into mushrooms in the first place.

At first he’d been too weak to try and move anywhere, the combination of months of only eating lentil soup, being hit over the head repeatedly by the over zealous horticulturist, and the copious amounts of magic markers he had been sniffing, had caused his body to shut down tighter than a Jew’s wallet at tipping time.

Only by catching falling condensation in his mouth and reaching out to the nearby mango tree had he got anything into his body at all. As his strength grew he was able to move more and so had increased his diet to tomatoes, lychee, kiwi fruit, and cucumber, and was able to lick the condensation off the windows of the greenhouse. His problem now was having mushrooms as feet.

That and the fact that the horticulturist with a sadistic streak the width of an ugly squirrel’s barmaid’s backside, kept coming back and hitting him with various gardening implements. He’d been hit over the head so many times that the top of it was as flat as a perfectly balanced snooker table, and he had various holes in him from the gardening fork.

He looked down at his hands and couldn’t believe his eyes, his hands looked just like two bunches of bananas. He tried rubbing his eyes but nearly poked them out, they were bunches of bananas. Whatever the mad horticulturist had sprayed him with was turning him into fruit and veg. He had to get out and warn the world, but he couldn’t move.

Then the doors opened and in came the Norman Bates of the gardening world, straight over to him, and the beating started again, this time with a hoe. He felt himself passing out, and the spraying started again. His last vision was the madman opening a bag and letting out thousands of insects.

He woke screaming, or would have done if he could have made a noise. There was virtually nothing left, he had turned into the fruit and veg man, and the insects had taken their toll. All that remained was for them to finish eating the remains of the avocado that was his head.

RANDOM FACTS

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Does anybody really brush their teeth three times a day?

Is there scientific proof that those little windshield wipers on car headlights are worthwhile?

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Portuguese Shower (adj.).

The art of using a heavy dosage of deodorant instead of having a shower when in a rush to go out, or just when plain lazy. As mastered by the Portuguese, only without the deodorant bit.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yet again another tip top week for both The Cherokee Hair Tampons and Cartman’s Heroes as they continue their slides down the table, with the big scorers this week being Steps into Jansen’s ring, leaving plenty of scope for both them and Heald Place Harriers to jump past The Cherokee Hair Tampons in the next week.

To keep up with the action, view the teams and do all kinds of random shit to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2003.htm

READER’S LETTERS

The postbag is still loony, and there were absolutely shitloads of e-mails. Thankfully my new PA is a star, and it has to be said that she is exceeding the expectations raised by her application. The response to the Rex Appeal is still going quite well, with quite a few donations this week, and not all of them have been toothpaste money off vouchers. The grand total now stands at £485.16, 19 second & 16 First class stamps, 88 euros, $15.01, 10 drachma, 18 Yen, 217 Australian dollars, 5 Krugerands, 25 Luncheon Vouchers, £10 worth of Argos vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers (quite thoughtful really considering Rex has 392 eyes) and £1420 worth of HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in. We are also awaiting a tax refund on all materials used so far in the Rex appeal.

Again there have been no updates on Rex, but it is worth bearing in mind that it is a quiet time of year at most golf clubs, and that we may have more joy as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer.

I have been told that attempts to have a boycott of surerandomality in Germany is well underway, with the German tourist board taking out adverts in all major papers, denouncing my publication as vile and insulting. Well it’s good to see that someone reads it. Their attempts to get other countries to join the boycott has on the whole failed, with the majority of countries telling the Germans to stuff it up their arse. The one exception was the French, what a fucking surprise. I, with my normal tact and diplomacy, have only one thing to say about this. You ungrateful motherfuckers, you only have your own country cos we saved your fucking arses in two world wars, otherwise you’d be part of Germany. If we’d have known your desire to be bosom buddies, we’d have left you to your own devices. So on the whole take any copies of surerandomality and shove them up your arrogant, garlic smelling arses, and then go and shove yourselves completely up the arses of the Germans where you belong.

I really do need to put a stop to this inter city (town, village, county, etc.) bickering, but I think after the torrent of abuse (justifiably) levelled at Sidney Unit, from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, last week, it is only fair to let him have a right of response. Therefore he writes “I was deeply shocked at the level of abuse directed at me last week, in response to my letter the previous week. The main reason for this was, that I was amazed that any of the unwashed illiterate fools that I encountered in all the places mentioned, could even write or use a computer, let alone be able to read surerandomality, and be able to write in reasonably constructed sentences (though strewn with vulgarities).It only leaves me to say is despite the fact that they have managed to get to the writing phase, they still haven’t crawled far enough up the evolutionary scale to realise that they are actually living in the parts of the country that even the devil rejected in his plans for hell, and that in no way are they the utopian places that they believe they are living in.” Quite! Though based on your last comments you are probably now as welcome anywhere outside of Abingdon as I am in Germany and France.

Yet again BigShakyCross@Hotmail.com writes complaining of no response from Andrew Wallace, and asking for a snail mail address. This is something that I definitely can’t give out, though I do know that having moved recently to Japan he hasn’t been able to access his emails for a while.

Tuesday was entertaining - not! King’s Lynn has absolutely nothing to do, and it takes fucking ages to get there. Not only that I needn’t have gone anyway. Mr Perrin (formerly of Hunstanton) pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to 8 months. I‘ll now be looking out for any correspondence with a Lincoln Prison postmark on it. It has to be said he looked a totally insignificant little man, with sad greasy black comb over hair, and NHS glasses, I don’t think he’ll like it much inside, but at least he’s got 8 months worth of surerandomality to look forward to when he comes out.

AND FINALLY

Another Friday hits, and yet again no one knows what the fuck is going on. There is a plan of sorts, in so much as the occupants of Chez Didsbury intend to go out and do something different this week. What this actually involves is somewhat of a mystery and will depend on what they can find in the Metro’s entertainment pages that interests them. There is however a uniform fancy dress party at one of Ricky's work colleague's house, which could get messy. They also need to find a nice violent film to carry on their Sunday evening tradition. It is likely that sport watching will take up large portions of the weekend again, as will dart playing and PS2. But whatever happens you can guarantee they will find ways to avoid being busy little bastards. See y’all next week.

To unsubscribe from surerandomality then please send an e-mail to surerandomality@hotmail.com naming all the Earl’s of Leicester and I’ll think about it. If you wish to make contributions to surerandomality then send them to the same address. Births, Marriages, Deaths and other important messages also considered. If you know someone who deserves to receive this shit then let me know. If you would like to receive back copies of surerandomality then please send a cheque or postal order for £6 per issue ordered made payable to Surerandomality UK to the following address Surerandomality UK, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP. If you wish to donate to the save Rex appeal then please send donations to the same address, BUT made payable to Surerandomality Rex Appeal. Please note that our Registered Charity Number is 248163264. Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you? All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s lawyers. S. Crude & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 5AM.

TOTAL = 5

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 95

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