INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Surerandomality Issue Vierzehn. I thought that a couple of weeks ago was a quiet week, well it had nothing on the past week. Friday afternoon saw Squirrel and Becky going to see Good girl at the cinema, which by all accounts shouldn’t be seen by those of you who are depressed, or may be feeling borderline depressed. Even those that are happy should beware, as it is quite possible to come out depressed after watching it. After getting back to Chez Didsbury, absolutely nothing was done, except mong in front of the TV before an early night. Saturday saw Squirrel drag G Man and Ricky to a record fair, just so that they could see there are people more seriously autistic than Squirrel, and then on to Argos so that G Man and Ricky could get a weights bench. Again the evening saw them monging in front of the TV, with talk of going to Wilmslow squashed by the obvious high price of taxis there and back, the only time Ricky sparked into life was when he got a txt message from one of his work colleagues. Sunday saw lots of football watching, with a brief break for a subway stop, and then the night finished off by watching the superbowl. Monday saw Squirrel with another day off, which was spent traipsing round second hand shops for music and books. Another evening in was only disrupted by a brief visit to XS by Squirrel to meet up with Becky and Malc. Meanwhile back at Chez Didsbury Ricky and G Man were continuing this weekend’s fad by spending their time doing weights and seeing who could have the ab toner on at the highest voltage, for the longest time. The week saw no breakout from the confines of Chez Didsbury, and even saw the G Man rack up his 3^rd consecutive full week at work, definitely a new record. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Don’t forget, for all things surerandomality get yourself on the web an to the only site that matters, just click to link to get going, and then add it to your internet favourites. surerandomality.20fr.com and to get rid of the annoying pop up messages go to http://www.panicware.com/popupstopper.html and download and install the free version onto your PC.

Congratulations to regular reader Daniel Bond who got married last Saturday to his long time fiancée Brooke Smith.

Congratulations to Nic who celebrated her 21^st Birthday yesterday.

Commiserations to Andy Wallace who in the continuing chase for teenage flesh, found himself taking a lady boy home at the weekend for the second week on the trot - Unlucky.

JOKES

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

A bartender was washing the glasses in his pub, when an elderly Irishman came in... With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irish man then looked towards the end of the bar and said: "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar... The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled: "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said: "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said: "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed... "Don't you fuckin' touch me! I'm on Disability!"

A Welsh farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn."

For his birthday, Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and faeces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and faeces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: ''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!'

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination,” said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me" said the girl. "It’s my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your tongue."

At Burger King an elderly couple ordered one burger, one order of fries and one coke with two glasses. When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke equally. A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another burger, fries and Coke. The woman then said, "No you don't understand. We've been married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split everything right down the middle." Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in her lap. The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn't eating. She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."

George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young lady?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it." George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do ... I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N", she answered.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.'Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. ''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.'' ''Shhhhhh. Relax darling. Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this ... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?” The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?” St. Peter arranged for it. Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their wish. About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, "I like it a lot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on Wheels'".

A Protestant died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after arriving, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said, "Hey Bill, Welcome to Hell! Here's the keys to your Porsche. Let's go visit your beachhouse!" Before the befuddled man could answer, the Devil whisked him into the Porsche and off they went. Arriving at the beachhouse, the man could only stare in awe at the magnificent mansion before him. The Devil handed the keys to the mansion and the sportscar to the man whose mouth was hanging open in amazement and said, " Well, Bill, I'll check up on you in two weeks. Enjoy!" And as suddenly as he had appeared, the devil disappeared. His incredulity fading somewhat, Bill went into the mansion and found everything to be first class with running servants, an indoor pool ... the whole nine yards. For two weeks, he lived like a king. After two weeks had elapsed, the Devil suddenly appeared and asked the man, "Well, Bill, how is Hell treating you? Great place, isn't it! By the way, I have another client to see so I can't stay. Any problems? We aim to please down here in Hell." Bill replied that he certainly was having a grand time and that he'd not been prepared for such royal treatment. In fact, he had been expecting Dante's Inferno or something similar. The Devil laughingly replied "No, Bill. Those are just old wives tales. This is the way Hell really is! Great place, isn't it?" Bill then said that everything was fine except that at night, he'd been hearing these terrible blood-curdling screams emanating from the nearby island out in the ocean. This was so disturbing that he'd had to take an occasional sleeping pill. He then leaned over and whispered to the Devil, "Tell me really. Is that what's in store for me? After all, this IS Hell." The Devil could not stop laughing at this and with tears streaming down his eyes, he said, "No, you've got it all wrong. Those people on the island are the Catholics. They DEMAND it!"

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell." "I don't know!" she flounders. "Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity." "Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already." She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven. The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan. Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honour. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine. After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip. After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people. At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity. The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Well, have you made your decision?" He asks. "I've decided on hell," she announces. "So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell. Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade. "What happened!?!" She exclaimed. "Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor? "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night . . . always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

B.J. Justin Lundin, 20, of Poolville, Texas, was tailgating another motorist. Stephen Thomas Manley Jr. tapped his brakes to ask Lundin to back off, which apparently sent him into a rage, says Cpl. Roger Smith of the Texas Department of Public Safety. Lundin passed Manley and then screeched to a halt, blocking Manley's car. Lundin jumped out of his car, started throwing rocks at Manley, and was kicking and hitting Manley's car when another car drove by and ran Lundin over, killing him instantly.           -         Just something to be aware of next time you have road rage.

A security guard at a grocery store in Sandnes, Norway, noticed a woman in a motorized wheelchair put several items into a bag, and then drive past the registers. He told her to stop, but she powered her chair right through the glass door, sending glass shards flying. Another store employee grabbed the chair's handles, "but could only hang on for 100 meters or so. I fell off and couldn't take any more." They chased her for more than a kilometer, but she got away. Police later tracked her down and raided her apartment, where they found a still and 41 liters of moonshine. She was charged with shoplifting, property damage, assault, and may face hit-and-run charges for running over a 3-year-old boy during her escape. "She admitted crashing through a glass door at the store," a police spokesman noted, "but said she didn't mean to do it."          -         Now that’s what I call a motorized wheelchair, speed and power. I want one it sounds tip top.

REVIEW TIME

Here’s this week’s random reviews

Superbowl, not as big a blow out as the score suggests, and with two minutes left it looked as if the Raiders might just pull off one of the best comebacks ever, but two late interceptions returned for touchdowns put paid to that. At least Jerry Rice caught a touchdown and set some more personal superbowl records.

Capricorn One. Film that tells the tale of the supposed first manned flight to Mars, and how it was hoaxed and the effort spent to kill the astronauts when they escape the compound after learning they were to be killed off. Entertaining enough in it’s own right, but also suggests that those moon landing conspiracy theories might be possible. 3/5

COMPETITION TIME

First of all the answer(s) to last week's question. The link between Bugsy Malone and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is Dexter Fletcher who appeared in both of them. The winner who wins a year’s subscription to Total Film Magazine is Harvey Warren of Newport, Gwent.

For this week’s competition, write in and suggest what sporting activity G Man’s training regime would best be suited to. The best suggestion wins a year’s membership to their nearest David Lloyd health facility. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

STORY TIME

(…Continued from last week. For the story to date check out the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm)

He had learnt to ice skate from the age of 6, and by the time he was 9 it came naturally to him. For some reason it was an activity that both his parents agreed on, his mother on the basis that it was a healthy activity that wasn’t competitive. His father had a slightly different outlook, yes it was a reasonable activity, but by being able to skate well it would give him a good chance to try out for junior hockey, as hockey was the only non-religious activity his father seemed to have an interest in.

Therefore by the time seventh grade came around he found himself trying out for the school hockey team. Despite being slight in build, and a bit short for his age, his natural skating ability got him on to the team, and he soon learnt how to make the stick an extension of his arm, and played not only at his own grade, but at the grade above as well.

Even at that age he felt lucky, academic work came easily, hockey came easily, and although considered strange by a lot of the other kids at school, he wasn’t picked on, and was on speaking terms with the majority of them.

Whilst in the eight grade his remaining grandmother died, and he could actually remember feeling sad because of it. He remembered going to the funeral, being dressed all in black, along with everyone else, and above all – not crying, something else that would be the case for the rest of his life.

When he reached the ninth grade he had to change schools due to the fact that The Philadelphia School only covered up to the end of eighth grade. He ended up going to the Masterman School, and academically the change in school made very little difference, but from a hockey perspective there was a world of difference, with his slight build being more of a disadvantage, especially with the fact that there was only one team for the school, and he was competing for a place with boys up to 3 years older than himself.

There was also a greater mix of people at the Masterman School, and he still found it impossible to find a true friend, but he also found it more difficult to even make acquaintances, and withdrew into himself somewhat. This wasn’t helped when early in the tenth grade his father died. The funeral was a very serious affair, and he was one of the pallbearers, along with some members of his father’s congregation.

The next couple of months were not good for him, he got somewhat of an attitude problem, and gave his mother a really hard time, which was the last thing she needed. They also had to move house, as they could no longer live in the church’s designated house, as the new preacher and his family would need to move in. They did however receive a generous death benefit from the church, and used it to move into an apartment only a couple of blocks further along South Broad Street.

In his final year at Masterman (he had decided that he was going to go elsewhere for high school), his aunt died. If he thought that hi father’s funeral had been a serious affair, it was nothing compared to the rigmarole of a Roman Catholic funeral. The Latin mass, the incense, and with hundreds of nuns in attendance, it seemed like the whole thing went on for days. He was really glad to get back home afterwards. His mother was really withdrawn for months after the funeral, and it took him a while to realise that it was because she now only had him as family, and she felt somewhat alone in the world. It hadn’t occurred to him that as it stood they only really had each other.

(To be continued, probably next week, or possibly the week after….)

RANDOM FACTS

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Why can't you tickle yourself to make yourself laugh?

Who designed clothing so that a tug on one thread will undo an entire hem, or make a button pop off instantaneously?

Given a bird can fly anywhere at any time, why does he choose to park himself in the gutter of a city centre office building?

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Cock Lodger (n.).

A bloke who lives in his bird's house without paying rent.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Lots of points and lots of movement, find the table below. Don’t forget that transfers have to be in by the time the games kick off tomorrow, so if you haven’t already made your transfer then get it to me ASAP.

To keep up with the action, view the teams and do all kinds of random shit to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2003.htm