INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Surerandomality Minutes of Fame Issue. Thanks once again to my North East England correspondent for his inane ramblings last week. I seriously wonder just what I’m paying him for. Bloody reporters have no concept of how to use spell check before sending their correspondence, just making it look unprofessional, in fact I’m glad he’s back in Manchester where I can keep an eye on him, rather than letting him loose in the wilds of Yorkshire. You will notice that there is a new later issue time for Surerandomality, this is because I have finished working nights, and have joined the ranks of normal day working people! Loads to catch up on after a tip top week. It would appear that G Man didn’t make it three weeks on the trot, due to going to Scotland Thursday night to meet up with Rab and Gordow, to spend the weekend with 9 in a 6 bed apartment. He rang in sick on Friday with a spurious crick in the neck, having spent the evening getting blasted in a Glasgow pub, before having to get up early on Friday to go to Aviemore to cause serious damage snowboarding, fully believing that he could transfer all his hours of playing hawk into competent snowboarding, while at the same time use his training capabilities on female snowboarders. Squirrel met Nic at lunchtime, and then Becky joined them later, before they went off to various places. Squirrel went on to Squirrels, before going back to an empty Chez Didsbury, due to the fact that Hopalong was at Mary’s and Ricky had gone to Brussels with work. Saturday saw an early start for Squirrel, who met up with Becky and went to Troff, and then onto Bruins to meet up with Malc and his cycling cronies. Wes joined them later on, before most of them went home, leaving just Wes and Squirrel to head on to XS, where Wes was frightened by the female equivalent of G Man in Olympic training standards. In the mean time G Man was having difficulties reconciling the amount of alcohol drunk the previous evening with his downhill activities, and proceeded to puke up in at the bottom of the slope in front of an unsuspecting line of queuing families. He actually managed to make it home via a tortured route on Sunday, which wasn’t helped by the snowy conditions, an hour searching for lost car keys, and piss poor rail services. Sunday evening saw some strangely cerebral activities in Chez Didsbury with Squirrel and Hopalong playing chess and scrabble. Ricky in the meantime must have been having a whale of a time in Brussels, as over the week he rang up to do his transfer in the fantasy league, then to ask how his players had done on Saturday and who he had playing on Sunday, then to ask if Sarah Jessica Parker had ever been in Baywatch, plus texting to ask which U2 songs goes “in the name of love”, obviously a man living a full and wholesome life while in Belgium. Tuesday saw G Man extend his training activities to swimming where he startled one poor unsuspecting female into doing 50m in 27 seconds just outside the world record. Wednesday saw Hopalong and G Man out in Rain bar from work, with Squirrel joining them later, upon leaving Hopalong insisted he was going to the casino (Viva Las Vegas), and Squirrel went home, and was surprised when G Man and Hopalong arrived home only ¾ of an hour after him, and even more surprised to learn that Hopalong was £135 up. Thursday saw Squirrel meeting Becky in XS and then meeting up with G Man and his cousins in Font, before they all got home in the early hours. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Don’t forget, for all things surerandomality get yourself on the web an to the only site that matters, just click to link to get going, and then add it to your internet favourites. surerandomality.20fr.com and to get rid of the annoying pop up messages go to http://www.panicware.com/popupstopper.html and download and install the free version onto your PC.

Hello to Mr Jeremiah Power of Newcastle, who at 97 would appear to be Surerandomality’s eldest reader.

Congratulations to Tom Gill of Harrogate, North Yorkshire who celebrated his birthday this week.

Congratulations to Andy Wallace, who it would appear was third time lucky last weekend and didn’t take a ladyboy home with him.

JOKES

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A blonde went down to the job agency, looking for a job. The hiring agent said, "I have the perfect job for you . . . painting the lines down the middle of the road." Reluctantly, the blonde took the position. The blonde takes her paint pail and begins painting lines down the road. style="mso-spacerun: yes">  The first day she paints five miles of roadway and does very well. The next day, however, she only paints three miles. On her third day she paints just one mile of roadway. On the fourth day, her boss asked her why her work was deteriorating. "I'm sorry sir," she replies, "but every day the paint pot just keeps getting further and further away!"

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that he began his mission to find the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. The man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed. The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. The morning after the man dated the third daughter, the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" They were married right away. Months later, they had a baby. When the man visited nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant, when you met her.

Exhausted from driving, a traveling salesman stopped in this one town, and pulled over to get an hour or two of sleep. But, as luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be one of the streets that the majority of the town’s people used to take their daily run. The salesman had barely pulled over, and gotten comfortable when a jogger was knocking on his window, asking, "Excuse me, but do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now, the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one would be disturbed him. Hoping to solve his problem he took out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Again he settled back to sleep, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself." The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself." The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself." The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day." The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day." "Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday school. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year. One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied. Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?" "Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday school class?" Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one. "Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday school class?" Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied. Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel room. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. "Vat have I done, vat have I done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena, I've got to ask you von thing." "Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday school class?" "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: They had to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day, the youngsters came back and, one by one, began telling their stories. Ashley was first. "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time, we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat-market. We had a dozen eggs one time but, when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah! Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Vicky. Aunt Vicky was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and, then, she landed right smack in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun and, then, she ran out of bullets. After that, she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke. And, then, she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Vicky when she's been drinking."

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One looks at the other and says, "Whew - it's hot in here." And the other sausage says, "Oh my God, it's a talking sausage!"

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much." The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house." The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two." Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts

What were the last words on the Columbia? Who let that bloody woman drive?

Did you know that the pilot's eyes were blue? Yep, one blew this way, and one blew that way

What was the last thing to go through the pilot's mind? The dashboard

What is the favourite drink of Space Shuttle astronauts? 7 Up

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week. The first of which is a follow up story to one that ran in an earlier edition.

If pure silliness were an Olympic event, the U.S. Olympic Committee would have to be the gold medal favourite. For 28 years, tiny Nebraska Wesleyan University in Lincoln, Neb., has held the "Rat Olympics," an annual Behavioural Learning Principles class project to teach rats to perform in various competitive events. Now the USOC is demanding that the school change the event's name. University officials received a call this month from a legal adviser with the committee saying "Olympics" is a protected name under federal law and the school could be sued if it does not stop using the name "Rat Olympics." Wesleyan spokeswoman Sara Olson says the university will hold a contest to choose a new name. Until then, she said, it's being called "the event formerly known as the Rat Olympics."         -      As always the Olympic committees aren’t exactly Mr. current affairs, I mean 28 years to work out they were using their name!

A soccer match in Witton Albion, outside Northwich, England, was called due to heavy fog. As the players filed into the dressing rooms it was discovered that one was missing. Stocksbridge Steele Goalkeeper Richard Siddall figured his team's offensive capabilities were keeping the action on the other end of the field. "I just stood there waiting for a player to come through the mist," he said. Ten minutes after the game was canceled, "it dawned on us that he must be still on the pitch," said Steele's manager Wayne Biggins. (Aberdeen Evening Express)           -        Yet again another candidate(s) for the least likely to be Mr. Current Affairs.

REVIEW TIME

Here’s this week’s random reviews

LA Confidential – No Secret it’s good. 4/5

Thunderball – A bit of a lottery. 3/5

Road Trip – Stay in and watch it. 4/5

Meet the Parents – Strictly for Children. 2/5

COMPETITION TIME

First of all the answer(s) to last week's question. The best suggestion for the use of the G man’s talents as an Olympic trainer, was for the Biathlon, as this can employ him twice, once to scare the females to ski faster around the course, and then two, to be a target to improve the accuracy of their shooting. The winner who wins a year’s membership of a David Lloyd gym is Mrs Gladys Beattie of Romney, Kent.

For this week’s competition, all you have to do is to guess how many words there are going to be in next week’s edition of Surerandomality. The prize is a state of the art Casio FX82 calculator. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

STORY TIME

(…Continued from last week. For the story to date check out the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm)

He found himself being shaken awake by the head hijacker. He slowly opened his eyes and looked round, and tried to stretch, forgetting that he couldn’t as he was bound to his seat.

The hijacker in a calm, friendly voice said, “Glad you’re awake, just in time for lunch, the stewardess will be around with food in a minute. I am somewhat curious though, how you alone, can manage to sleep, when it would appear that most of your fellow passengers seem to be in a state of great agitation?”

“What else am I supposed to do? I’m sat here by myself, tied to my seat, unable to move, with a threat of being gagged if I speak. I might as well go to sleep and slip off to a different reality. Speaking of reality, how am I supposed to eat any lunch when I’m trussed up like a turkey? Am I supposed to use magical thought patterns and levitate the food into my mouth?”

The hijacker let out a hearty laugh before replying, “I see that the time you’ve spent sleeping hasn’t diminished your sense of humour. I hadn’t got around to telling you, that if you promise to behave then I will untie one of your arms long enough for you to enjoy your meal. Of course it goes without saying that any funny business on your part shall result in even more rope to bind you, plus a gag, and a blindfold just for the sake of it. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, I understand, I just hope that there’s nothing that needs an effort to cut up, as that may pose problems with only one free hand.”

“Tell me something, are you awkward by nature, or do you have to practise?”

“I don’t believe that I’m awkward, it’s just that I tend to think things through a lot, and quite quickly, and don’t necessarily worry about what I say to people, or who I say it to.”

“Yes, I have noticed this little quirk in your personality, but I wonder whether there is something else with you, as it would be difficult to find anyone else as blasé about the situation that you are in. Anyway, I have many other things to do. Just remember, no funny business.”

With that the hijacker went back to the cockpit, and left him to his own thoughts again. He tried looking around, but found his movements restricted by his bindings, and was unable to twist enough to see anything behind him. He settled down and waited for lunch to be served.

A couple of minutes later the somewhat worried looking stewardess came round and placed his food in front of him. He looked down and instead of finding the expected first class gourmet meal, he found himself confronted with the standard class meal on a tray, with a yoghurt, small white bread roll, orange juice, and some as yet unidentified pre heated meal, with it’s foil still covering the small plastic container. He thought about complaining and asking where his first class meal was, but decided that under the current circumstances he’d be better off keeping his mouth shut.

The other hijacker in the first class compartment came over and untied his left arm, well untied, the forearm. With this he managed to take the foil lid of the meal, to find himself faced with some kind of pasta bake. He took his fork and started to eat, he had had better but it was edible. He finished it reasonably quickly, surprised at how hungry he found himself, and moved on to his bread roll. He tried spreading the butter onto it, but found that the combination of the butter being bullet-proof, the roll being very soft, and only one arm to use made this virtually impossible. He gave up and used the bread to mop up the slop left in the bottom of the plastic container that had housed his pasta. The yoghurt was a “winter fruits” selection, and tasted vaguely of blackberry, and was gone in what seemed to be just seconds. He washed the whole lot down with the miniscule carton of insipid orange juice.

(To be continued, probably next week, or possibly the week after….)

RANDOM FACTS

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

RANDOM THOUGHTS

What is the difference between "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny"?

Why does the colour orange signify decaffeination?

How many tiny packets of duck sauce and soy sauce do you suppose are tossed out every night with the empty take-out Chinese food containers?

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Cones are out (euph).

ie, only one lane in use. ragweek.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Ouch, my head hurts after sorting that last load of transfers out, added to that I did a midseason audit on all the teams and found that 2 teams were missing quite a few points, and one team had too many, the table reflects the now correct scores, and therefore there may be some strange position changes this week. Find the table below, plus the list of this month’s transfers.

To keep up with the action, view the teams and do all kinds of random shit to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2003.htm