INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Surerandomality Valentine Issue, and that’s just because it happens to be Valentine’s Day today, not because of any love thing going on. Yes I know that this edition is hitting your mailboxes quite a bit later this week than normal, this is due to the fact that I have been a busy little bastard this week, and I’ve had to sort out my cessation of temping with Adecco, this morning before getting into work. Hopefully normal service will be resumed next week. All in all the weekend didn’t see much action, with Hopalong being out with Mary both Friday and Saturday, and G Man not going out Friday night as he was off snowboarding with his family on Saturday and had to be up at 4.30. Squirrel went out straight from work, meeting up with Wes in Squirrels, and proceeded to take a bit of a hammering at pool. Ricky decided not to come out due to a distinct possibility of there being a clash of personalities. Squirrel and Wes met up with Becky and Vic in Scubar, which has had a major refit and now has a swish upstairs bar. Becky and Vicky went home early, and Squirrel and Wes went on to Jabez, where Wes made an early claim to have pulled the biggest minger of the year. Meanwhile Squirrel bumped into little Mark, who seemed horrified and disappointed at Squirrel’s reformed behaviour, and the fact that he had given up drinking (and smoking), at the same time he seemed really out of sorts with what was going on with his life in general. Squirrel and Wes then headed off to Lal Qila for curry, before wandering home. Saturday saw Ricky go on a date (after getting his SP stamped in Brussels), and then come home early for a cosy little chat in his room. Sunday was the normal, watch sport, drink smoothies and play board games type of day that has come to be somewhat of a tradition in Chez Didsbury. Monday saw Vanessa come round to Chez Didsbury to watch a film and chat. Tuesday morning saw Hopalong manage to lock himself in the bathroom after the lock stopped working properly, and Ricky had to break in to rescue him (although the image of Hopalong having to escape via the bathroom window would be funny enough). Hopalong started his CIMA course in the evening, but returned in time to get a completed drubbing at darts from Squirrel, with Ricky being out on another date. Wednesday saw the inmates of Chez Didsbury watching the excuse of an England team getting ritually humiliated by the fucking Aussies at yet another sport, followed by more dart action. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Don’t forget, for all things surerandomality get yourself on the web an to the only site that matters, just click to link to get going, and then add it to your internet favourites. surerandomality.20fr.com and to get rid of the annoying pop up messages go to http://www.panicware.com/popupstopper.html and download and install the free version onto your PC.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all those star crossed lovers out there.

Commiserations to all those sad losers who have an expense free February 14^th this year.

JOKES

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

A Welshman, an Englishman and an Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside. Once inside they each hid in an old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went; he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''. "Just cats," he thought. He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''. "Just dogs," he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave......you're a vet."

Jack was to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside chat. "Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said 'Here Darling, try these on'. So she did, and said 'Well sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them' so I replied 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here Baby, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me". Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and I don't want you to forget that". At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine". So he tries and says, "I can't even get into your knickers". Jill says, "Exactly, and if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will!"

A young feller is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot to tell you, they're both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains. "Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.'"

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Mother of Mary, he's right! Farty-two!"

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Texas police have found a badly burnt penis up a tree... Experts reckon it's a shuttle cock

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened next?" they asked. The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is a Mancunian, one a Scouser, and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "...However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the

confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them." With that the Mancunian raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said "Well sir of all the babies, I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent." "That's a maybe", said the Mancunian, "but one of the other two is a fucking Scouser and I'm not taking the risk."

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool? A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on

Q. What do you call a man with two pricks? A. Lucky. Q. What do you call a man with eleven pricks? A. Gerard Houllier

Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asks if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Scouser joke. Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm a Liverpool Supporter" The guide looked at him and said, "That's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards."

Q: What is the ideal weight of a Scouser? A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Owen and God? A: God doesn't think he's Michael Owen.

A group of scousers on their way to their annual pasting at Old Trafford came upon a solitary United fan at the entrance to an alley. The Manc shouts insults at the scousers and challenges them to face him. "Mickey," says the scouse leader, "Go down there and sort out that little twerp." So off goes the scouse hard man into the alley in pursuit of the Manc. Two minutes later, after several shouts and screams and sounds of battle, the Manc appears, unharmed at the edge of the alley. "Is that the best you can do, scouse bastards?" he taunts. So the granny-stabber dispatches five dirties to deal with him. Again, there ensues a loud and savage battle in the alley and again the Manc emerges unscathed, taunting the Liverpudlians. "Pah, one United fan is as good as twenty scousers." By now, the leader is getting annoyed and sends twenty scousers after the United fan with the same result. Once more, the Manc hurls abuse at them and makes rude hand gestures in their direction. "Right," he says. "Chaaaaaaaaarge!" The whole lot race down towards the alley and as they reach it, one bloodied and badly beaten survivor of the previous twenty crawls out of the alley and waves frantically at them. "Turn back, it's a trap," he says. "There's two of them."

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

When Fred Pettry ran for City Council in Charleston, W.Va., he listed his party affiliation as "Democart". He won anyway. Now that his term is up, the Democrat has filed his papers for re-election. Sure enough, he listed himself as a "Democart" again. Three others running for seats also spelled their party affiliation that way -- or as "Democrate". But fear not: opponents on the other side of the political fence also have difficulty spelling. Republican Al Carey said he was "kind of rushed -- I was trying to beat the deadline" when he listed his affiliation as "Repbulican". One of his party mates listed himself as a "Repucican".        -      And you think our politicians are dumb, they may look dumb, fuck it they are dumb.

Raymond Poore, 43, called his wife of two weeks at work to say the dog had bitten him and he was going to kill it. She raced back to their mobile home in Winchester, Va., and found him dead. Not the dog, her husband -- investigators say Poore had apparently tried to beat the Shar-Pei to death with his shotgun, holding it by the barrel. The gun discharged, hitting him in the abdomen. The dog was still alive, but injured so badly it had to be destroyed. "I kept telling him, 'You shouldn't play rough with her'," Debbie Poore said. Poore's mother Marian Cloud said her son "was a very intelligent man, but he didn't always use his intelligence in the right way."             -              Do you like dags? Obviously not, and the tit used the wrong end of the gun to try and kill it.

REVIEW TIME

Here’s this week’s random reviews

Leon. Stylish action film remade for Hollywood from the French original by the same director. It shows a hit man befriending a provocatively suggesting 12 year old Padme Amidala. With its blatant sexual tension, it might be easy to see Wallace quite happily slipping into the role played by Jean Reno. Also featuring a superbly lunatic performance from Gary Oldman, this is a great film, even with the slightly worrying undertone. 4/5

Isle of Dogs – Patricia Cornwell. The third book featuring Andy Brazil is a real mixed bag, with the author seemingly on the verge of losing the plot completely. In the book she resorts to bringing in her main character from 10 of her books (Kay Scarpetta) for a brief cameo, has a girl able to change her molecular structure, who is underused, and unexplained. It has the whole range of stereotypes, includes various historical discussion essays, and has 3 separate interludes of talking crabs. Still entertaining though. 3/5

COMPETITION TIME

First of all the answer(s) to last week's question, there are 5768 words in this week’s Surerandomality. The winner who wins a Casio FX82 calculator is Mr Wayne Lissenden of Havant, Hampshire, who was the closest by giving an answer of 5699.

For this week’s competition, you need to send in your all time worst England XI, the person whose team matches the one chosen by the inmates of Chez Didsbury (who due to the fact that they are Messer’s Current Affairs on this cannot enter) shall win a football signed by Stockport County reserves. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

STORY TIME

Not continued from last week, this is just another random word association piece dredged from the deep recesses of my mind. To check what’s been happening in the normal weekly story and to get fully up to date check out the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm

He felt the pressure pushing down on him, he was under pressure like he’d never been before. He felt liked he weighed more than a herd of African elephants, and eventually he thought the pressure would kill him. However before he got to that stage something strange happened. The pressure caused his soul to pop out of his body, and shoot into the air.

His soul took a look at him as it floated above him, and wondered how the fuck his body had managed to get into such a state. It sat there hunched over it’s desk, looking like something an anthropology class would discard as being too unlikely to be related to the species homo sapien. His hair, or what was left of it, seeing as most of it had packed up and fucked off 20 years ago, had gone grey, and he wondered why he hadn’t noticed it before, he could have sworn the last time he looked in a mirror it was still jet black.

His body dragged itself upright and lurched over to the door of the manager’s office, where instead of knocking, it kicked the door open with a venom and fury not seen since they took Eldorado from the screens some years before. The door flew open and smashed the plant pot containing the manager’s rubber plant, which had been somewhat carelessly placed behind the trajectory of the opening door. There again, who would seriously expect the door to fly open so far and so fast? The earth spilled form the remains of the broken pot, and the rubber plant listed to the left and then toppled over completely, as if dizzy and unable to comprehend the change that had befell its life.

The manager, a 23 snot faced brat, who had his position solely due to the fact that he was the owner’s son, woke with a start, and looked around in bewilderment. He had been out on the piss the night before, and had stumbled straight into work from the casino (Viva Las Vegas) at 7 this morning, and had been taking a well needed nap, and certainly wasn’t prepared to deal with an employee who seemed to have taken leave of his senses (which was exactly what had happened).

The manager screamed with panic, as well as a sense of disbelief, as he was picked up, and thrown out of the door of his own office, which he found slammed behind him. He tried to get back in but found he was unable to get the door to open, the handle moved, but he was unable to force the door open.

There was good reason for this. The soulless body had tipped the filing cabinets over and then stacked them up against the door. The soul was amazed, he never realised that his body possessed such strength, especially as it had spent the last 5 years feeling as if he was a contestant in the Mr. Muscle weakest man contest. The soul watched with a growing dread as the body proceeded to pick up the computer keyboard, rip the keys out one by one and then eat them. There was a blank look on his face as he did this and he wondered what was going to happen next.

He didn’t have to wait very long to find out, all of a sudden he hurled the keyboard (or what was left of it) at the wall, turned and ran full pelt at the window and hurled himself through it. The glass shattered, and he fell from the window with a look of satisfaction on his face, as if he knew that he was coming to the end of a painful existence. However the body failed to remember that he worked on the ground floor and fell the two foot from the window onto the grass outside, without causing any further damage to itself.

Disgusted it got up and ran and stood in the middle of the busy intersection, and waited for something to hit it, but drivers, being of sound body and mind, which was more than can be said for him, swerved to avoid him, which, predictably ended up with there being a crash which totally blocked off all the roads leading onto the intersection. The body looked round in disbelief, and moved off the road to find another way to finish it.

It was at this stage that the soul felt itself, being dragged back towards it’s body, and began to feel itself become one with the body again. Once joined he came to a complete halt, as he struggled to reconcile the last half an hour of his life. He needed to go and explain, but worried about whether anyone would believe him. Preoccupied he started to wander back to his office, but after walking only a couple of yards he fell through an open manhole cover, which had been left unattended by a careless NTL worker, and broke his neck. The soul once more departed the body, but knew it wouldn’t be returning again.

RANDOM FACTS

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Jizziotherpay (n).

A three minute one-handed massage that relieves stiffness for up to half an hour.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Someone asked me what the league would be like if there hadn’t been any transfers, and on the whole it can be said it would be much the same. Shhoooooottt!!!, SMB Arsenal and Helen Chamberlain’s Body Stocking have all made 100 point plus gains from their transfers, and have all gained places because of it. The most useless in the transfer market has been Cartman’s heroes, whose one transfer has cost them over 50 points and a drop in places, the only other two teams to have really poor transfer records (not including Big Unit’s Cherries and Premiership Rejects which haven’t made any transfers) are The Cherokee Hair Tampons and Wednesday Wannabies, who have both made lots of transfers but have not gained very many points from them. Anyway here’s the table.

To keep up with the action, view the teams and do all kinds of random shit to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2003.htm