INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Surerandomality Manchester’s Burning Issue, and what a slow week it’s been, so slow that it would make Koalas look like busy little bastards. Added to this it has also been a piss poor week for offerings, and it leads to the conclusion that you’re lucky there’s an issue at all. Friday saw Hopalong out and about with Mary, Squirrel doing nothing but playing music at home, but found himself moving to the TV lounge when Ricky arrived back after his Valentine’s meal with his date, as the creaking between songs was a bit off putting. Becky’s planned evening with Vicky was scuppered by Vicky having to spend all day in London, and Becky being on weed all day. Saturday saw the return of G Man from his week’s family vacation snowboarding, from which the highlight seemed to be his ability to land face first. On one such occasion he did this and managed to break the pair of Oakley’s he was wearing, his family were suitably concerned, and spent five minutes trying to see if the broken sunglasses could be mended. Squirrel met Nic in town and spent the day bumming round Afflecks Palace buying more music. The evening saw very little being done, except for watching DVD’s and playing darts, the planned excursion to the beach party was cancelled due to a general apathy from the house, they couldn’t even be arsed to go for a curry, and ordered in instead. Sunday was much the same, with watching football, and a shopping trip thrown in, after which the kitchen of Chez Didsbury began to resemble a Caribbean fruit stall. Monday saw more lounging, football watching and dart playing, but there was a comedy phone moment from the G Man, but more of that in story time. Tuesday saw more football, and Hopalong out with Mary. Wednesday saw Ricky out for a meal again, but only after G Man had suggested that he was being a cheapskate by staying in and ordering Dominos, when he came back he disappeared to his room. Hopalong meanwhile had gone straight out from work and had difficulties getting back in when he arrived home at half past one. This was due to the fact that he had forgotten his keys and didn’t have his phone, and the doorbell seemed to have stopped working. He eventually managed to get back in after hammering at the door for some considerable time, very lucky that Ricky was still up watching Snatch. Squirrel managed to fix the doorbell before going to work on Thursday, who would have thought that it would work better if the batteries were actually in it. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Don’t forget, for all things surerandomality get yourself on the web an to the only site that matters, just click to link to get going, and then add it to your internet favourites. surerandomality.20fr.com and to get rid of the annoying pop up messages go to http://www.panicware.com/popupstopper.html and download and install the free version onto your PC.

Congratulations to reader Patrick O’Murphy, who celebrates his 24^th birthday on Monday.

Condolences to the family of Martha Svineyard who tragically died in Hyde Park at the weekend after accidentally having her throat slit by a peace placard.

Many thanks to Melanie Chisholm, who this week scuppered plans for a potential Spice Girls reunion.

An appeal, If anyone knows the whereabouts of my phone could they please let me know as it has been missing since Tuesday. All the usual suspects and locations have been checked (G Man, his room, the fridge…). So vere is de fone? It’s not exactly inconspicuous is it? Be on the lookout for people with bleeding ears.

JOKES

Amanpreet was at the county fair when he happened upon a fortune teller's tent. Thinking, "What the heck, it'll be good for a laugh or two," he dashed inside and sat down. The fortune teller took his money, lowered the lights, and gazed into her crystal ball. "Ahhh," she said, "I see you are the father of two children!" "Ha!" Lizard Pecker said, "That's what you think. I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

It was "sharing time" in a kindergarten full of bright children. The teacher was presiding over a discussion about the children's parents. One child said, "Well, my mother's a Catholic and my father's Jewish." "Oh, wow!" said another. "So what do you believe?" "I believe in everything," said the first child. "What do you mean 'everything'?" asked another child. "Well, you know," said the first child, "Jesus Christ, Moses, Snow White, everything."

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented. So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell: ''What are you in for?'' ''I'm here for something I did not do!'' ''So you are innocent? What did you do?'' ''I did not run fast enough!''

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once a more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

In a carriage on a train were 4 people. A young Englishman, A middle aged Frenchman, and old fierce looking woman, and a stunning 20 year old blonde. The train went into a tunnel and being a normal train the lights in the carriage didn't work. Whilst in the dark there was the sound of a loud slap, and when the train came out of the tunnel, the Frenchman was rubbing the side of his face where there was a red hand mark. The old woman thought the Frenchman must have tried to put his hands on the young girl and she slapped his face. The young girl thought that the Frenchman must have tried to put his hands on me, but touched the old woman instead and she slapped his face. The Frenchman thought that the Englishman must have tried to put his hands on the young girl, and she thought it was me, and slapped me. The Englishman thought, I hope there's another tunnel soon so that I can slap that French twat again.

A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Prosecutors in Chicago, Ill., have dropped felony drug charges against Jose Galvan, 43, and Juan Luna, 21. The two were arrested after police found 220 pounds of suspicious plants in the back of their pickup truck -- marijuana, police field tests declared. "These guys were treated like they were cartel drug traffickers," said their lawyer. They two were actually hauling hay from a dismantled Christmas manger scene at St. Wenceslaus Roman Catholic Church, where they are members. The men sat in jail for the four weeks it took for lab tests to confirm the plants were indeed hay, not pot. Even though they have now been exonerated, they remain in jail while officials confirm the men are legally in the U.S.        -            If only hay had the same effect, imaging the crop circles after smoking some hay.

A woman with incurable brain cancer presented Walgreen's Drug Store in Tacoma, Wash., with a refill prescription for her pain medication. The pharmacist called the Washington Medical Center to verify it, but was told the doctor was out -- so he called the police to report what he thought was a "faked" prescription. Shannon O'Brien, 35, was arrested even though she told the officer she had brain cancer and had a medical information card in her wallet. "They could have checked my records," she said. "I've had the same medicine every month." She was released hours later after her doctor confirmed the prescription, but she was required as a condition of her release to go to drug counseling. She is suing the store.           -           Bloody Pharmacists, shifty untrustworthy fly by nights, all of them.

REVIEW TIME

Here’s this week’s random reviews

First up it’s the film The Warriors. Made in 1979 it shows a New York gang trying to make it back to Coney Island after being stitched up at a gang convention. Featuring a whole cast of people that you’re sure you recognise from somewhere, but can’t quite put your finger on where from, the film has some quality moments. The main one been that it has the best ever Bgerk scene ever captured on celluloid, some quality slow motion fight scenes, including a thrown baseball bat taking out a policeman, a chair being smashed over the head of a woman gang member (a gang with probably the least accurate shooters since the A Team), and a running bulldog. A tip top night’s entertainment, you’d be a tit to miss it. 5/5

Next up is the recent Flaming Lips album, Yoshimi battles the Pink Robots. Magic concept album, chilled to the extreme, definitely worth buying and listening to repeatedly if you want to remain Mr current affairs.

COMPETITION TIME

First of all the answer(s) to last week's question, The all time worst England XI as voted for by the occupants of Chez Didsbury are; Dave Beasent, David Bardsley, Phil Neville, Keith Curle, Neil Ruddock, Andy Gray, Geoff Thomas, Carlton Palmer, Andy Sinton, Mick Harford, and Paul Stewart. The winner who wins a signed Stockport County Reserves football is Miss Helen Hood of Braintree, Essex, who managed to match 9 of the Muppets who managed to make the final squad, she also managed in John Salako and David White, to name 2 of the 5 subs mentioned by the household.

For this week’s competition, What was the last part of France that England owned, which was given back in 1554? The winner gets a special edition dart board featuring the faces of Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroder, as made especially for us by Dartworld supplies of Boston, Lincolnshire. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

STORY TIME

Not continued from last week, this is just a variation of a traditional fairy tale, updated to the modern day and featuring one of our usual suspects. To check what’s been happening in the normal weekly story and to get fully up to date check out the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm

The Boy Who Cried Fire (with apologies to aesop)

There was once a young man called Mark. Mark lived with three of his friends in a big house in what the letting agents called East Didsbury, but in reality was nearer to Burnage.

One Monday Mark rang his friends in state of great excitement. He virtually shouted “Lads, there’s a massive fire in Burnage, near to the railway station, a whole block of flats is on fire, they’ve blocked the roads off, the flames are massive, you can see them and the smoke from miles away. I’ve never seen a fire so big, in fact I’m just going back out now so I can stand with all the old dears and watch it. If I’m really lucky then I might even see the fire engine with it’s siren on and lights flashing. I’ll have to be careful though as there are massive flaming embers floating down out of the sky into our street, and I wouldn’t want to get burnt. If you hurry home you might see all the action”

One by one, his three housemates returned home, they all looked out for the fire expecting to see flames, smoke, burnt out buildings, and the fire brigade, but what did they see? Nothing, there was no sign of there being a fire, no smoke, no flames, no fire brigade, no burnt out buildings, and no pools of water.

They ridiculed him, saying he had imagined it all, and that there had never been a fire, and due to the fact that there was no damage, any flame he had seen couldn’t have been very big, and he must have been leading a very sheltered upbringing. Someone lit a match to taunt him, saying that “Here’s a bigger flame”.

Mark was upset, and vowed to get the Manchester Evening News the next day, so that he could prove there was a fire. “It will be front page news”, he declared, “A fire that big, that stopped the traffic will be the main story”. Tuesday evening came, and so did the edition of the Manchester Evening News, and though he searched and searched he couldn’t find any mention of the fire. His housemates ridiculed him more, “Why do you make up these stories?” “Couldn’t you have been more original and thought of somewhere better to have an imaginary fire than BURN-age?”

Mark felt devastated, and went away saying, “I’ll show you, I don’t make up stories”.

Weeks passed, and the ridiculing had stopped, when one night Mark woke and smelt something burning, he jumped out of bed (OK, I know that’s pushing the bounds of reality a little too far) and went to investigate and found flames coming form the sofa downstairs. He rushed upstairs and woke his housemates. “FIRE, there’s a fire downstairs, we all need to get out otherwise we’ll be burnt alive”. They all laughed at him, they told him there was no fire and to go back to bed. They also told him not to wake them again as there would be a fire, as they would burn him.

Reluctantly he went back to bed, wondering in his own mind had he really imagined it, and thinking he was going crazy, sobbed himself to sleep. Mark didn’t wake in the morning, in fact none of the housemates did, they had all burnt to death in their sleep, because they didn’t believe that mark was telling the truth (this time).

RANDOM FACTS

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

RANDOM THOUGHTS

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

When someone asks you, "a penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Shaking like a flat pack wardrobe (sim).

Description of the female equivalent of vinegar strokes.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Not including the Thursday night game involving Liverpool, here’s the latest league table, after the various cup games in the last week. Making a surging run this week were the Banjo Wielding Strikers who are in danger of being in a position to drag themselves off the foot of the table. It’s rapidly getting to that time again where I’m calling for transfers to be made, as they have to be in before the games kick off next Saturday, so you’ve got a week to get it sorted, and don’t forget there have been some new players added to the list.

To keep up with the action, view the teams and do all kinds of random shit to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2003.htm