INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Surerandomality Issue Wheeler, and a week that has seen the return of the tip top kind of weekend that chez Didsbury was once renowned for. Friday started somewhat tentatively with a few hours sat round at home before Squirrel, G Man and Ricky departed to head into town, leaving Hopalong in sole control of the baby. First stop was Font, for some hip hop, before heading on to the Attic, where it appeared that a few scallies had put on a night at the equivalent of the local youth club. It was quickly decided that this wasn’t to be the final destination for the evening, and so the move was made to go to Subspace for Northern Funk, stopping on the way to pick up (in true cheapskate style) some discarded flyers off the street to enable half price entry. It didn’t take long to hit the dance floor, where once again G Man was up to his normal training techniques, as he singled out his latest victim, a split second intervention from Ricky saw the prey escape as if by teleporter, but G Man was not to be denied this time, and by sheer persistence, and the nightclub equivalent of Chinese water torture, did manage to get off with her by the end of the night, despite the fact she was a lesbian doctor with the highly unlikely name of Nadia. After closing time it was off to the casino (Viva Las Vegas) where both Ricky and G Man came away up on the evening, before heading to McDonalds for food. Saturday morning saw Squirrel off to the record fair, and a hefty dent to his bank account, meanwhile Mummy and Daddy G took G Man out for lunch. Ricky was picked up by the current love of his life and spent the day with her. After an afternoon of lounging watching football, Squirrel, G Man and Hopalong went out in search of somewhere to play pool, and after taking Hopalong on what he claimed was his longest walk of 2003 they arrived at Ye Olde Cock Inn, only to find that their pool table was out of order. After a few quite rapid drinks it was decided that a move to a venue with pool tables might be in order, and so another journey was started, but this time the use of a bus or taxi was required, as they made their way to the Golden Lion, where they did indeed find pool tables, and proceeded to play pool for the remainder of the evening, before leaving the venue and getting food from next door. Despite the fact that it was only a reasonably short walk home, Hopalong insisted on getting a taxi, and therefore an hour later they eventually got home via the cash point and garage where Hopalong had to get tabs, after abusing and harassing every one he came in contact with trying to get cigarettes, including one bloke in the take away who had a top with loads of what looked like scout badges on, and one of which G Man insisted was a tab smoking badge. Sunday saw very little motion, apart from some darts, and goggle box watching, with the only real motion of the day being Wes moving into a new flat, 20 seconds from the Friendship, and sharing with one other bloke and six women, and Ricky springing into action when Chez Didsbury extensive grounds got invaded by 4 young scallies, and shouting at them, and scaring them so much that one fell over. Whether he would have been the same if it was older scallies is debateable. Monday was much the same, as was Tuesday, with only Ricky breaking the trend by going out with his beloved again, and when he got back going for a cosy chat, which prevented any of the other residents of Chez Didsbury having an early night, as they didn’t want to overhear his cosy chat. Yet again more of the same on Wednesday and Thursday. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

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I have managed to find my phone. (In another jacket on silent - Tit)

To all the females who seem to have lost their minds this week, just two minor things that need pointing out. 1. Justin Timberlake has not rung you, doesn’t have your number, and will never ever ring you. 2. Justin Timberlake is not your boyfriend, does not know who you are, and will never be your boyfriend. So get a grip, and stop talking utter shite in pubs, as that is the role of the residents of Chez Didsbury.

JOKES

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off. They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.'' The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

Q: What's the difference between Girls Aloud and Manchester United? A: Manchester United still have Giggs.

A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before. "We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed”. The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's naked and we're in bed. What do I do now? Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, Did you take your clothes off, too? No," the son replies. "Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her." The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both naked and in bed. What do I do now?" The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees!" The son calls again a minute later. "OK, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?" She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black." The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black." The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair." The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too." The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes." The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too." Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out. The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bugger was gonna bark."

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, "he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him.. Give him a fiver." ...... "The breakfast was my idea."

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot."

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." replies the husband in desperation. "You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?" His son replied, "$10 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her. She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?" "No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns." The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights. At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality. "My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent." "I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey, bitch! Will you bring me my damn coke?" Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Travel agencies are reporting that they're getting a significant number of requests from travelers who want to sightsee in "Middle Earth" locations such as Mordor and Rivendell. Those are fictional locations in the "Lord of the Rings" movies. In the films, Mordor is occupied by forces of darkness; Rivendell is where elves live. The scenes for those locations were shot in national parks in New Zealand.            -           It would appear that it’s not only G Man who has difficulties distinguishing between fantasy and reality.

Doctors in north eastern England are perplexed over what to do about a 24-year-old patient. The unidentified man is convinced he is a hermaphrodite, even though examinations show he is a normal male who has fathered children. The man insisted the doctors do a Pap smear on him, and filed a formal complaint when they refused. A spokeswoman for one of the doctors says he would be "pleased to hear from anyone, medical or otherwise, who could teach him the correct way to carry out a cervical smear on a 24-year-old male."      -           Rumours are that the man may have gone to Japan to try and get what he wanted.

REVIEW TIME

Here’s this week’s random reviews

Rosemary’s Baby – Sixties “horror film” that is mildly disturbing, and not at all scary, well except for the garish decorating in the apartment building. How it managed to get such a reputation god (or possibly the devil) only knows. Watchable if you have nothing better to do. 2/5.

Various Artists – Electro 13, The best of the Streetsounds electro series, 45 minutes of all the best new hip hop of 1986, mixed together, with a few classic tracks from the earlier Electro albums. Featuring the last ever single release by Grandmaster Flash, the first releases by Eric B & Rakim and Sir Mix A Lot, chart hits by the Real Roxanne and Lovebug Starski, plus a host of rarely heard (and now unheard of) artists. Probably the best hip hop album ever, and most definitely the most wanted item for my record collection.

COMPETITION TIME

First of all the answer(s) to last week's question, The last part of France that was still owned by England until 1554 was Calais. The winner who wins the novelty dartboard featuring the faces of Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroder is Miss Dawn Asbrokan, from Ambleside, Cumbria.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is which number one single, doesn’t mention it’s title in the words of the song, but does mention the title of the previous number one. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

STORY TIME

Check out the full story on the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm

He sat reasonably still as he waited for a stewardess to bring him a choice of coffee or tea. Despite being a regular visitor to England, he had never understood their passion for tea, as it always tasted and smelt as if it shouldn't be an everyday drink, that it would be better suited as some kind of medicine. As no one in their right mind would really choose to drink it. You'd have to have something wrong with you to be able to force it down.

As his mind was wandering, the stewardess came over to his seat and asked him if he wanted coffee. He said yes quickly before she took it away and whoever was carrying the teapot arrived and tried to pour that. He watched the stewardess pour the coffee into his little white plastic cup. As he watched her, he could see that she was struggling to keep her hand steady as she poured the liquid in to his cup. He looked up and caught her eye, and could immediately see the fear residing in her eyes, and felt as if he could almost read her mind, certain that she was wishing that she was anywhere apart from here, on this particular plane serving food and drink, while some madmen had control of the plane and everyone on it.

In fact this was true. Her name was Andrea Bittern, and she was only on this particular flight because she was doing a favour for a friend. She was supposed to have been on the British Airways flight to New York, but had agreed to a last minute swap with a colleague, who had desperately wanted a stop over in New York, so that she could meet up with her latest beau. Andrea hadn't minded as she hadn't been to Philadelphia before, and this particular flight included a 36-hour stopover, due to the airline scheduling, and the minimum 8-hour rest between flights. It would appear now though, that she wouldn't be going to Philadelphia after all, but instead to Greenland, where god only knows what was going to happen. If she survived whatever was going to happen, she was sure of one thing, if she remained a stewardess, something that was by no means certain, there wasn't a hope in hell that she'd be swapping flights with anyone again.

As the stewardess walked away he looked at his coffee and suddenly felt an urge to take the cup of hot liquid and throw it in the face of one of the hijackers, and try to overpower him. The urge faded as quickly as it had arrived as common sense kicked in. For a start he wouldn't get very far, while for the main part he was tied to his seat, and secondly he really wasn't the hero type. He had enough difficulties being responsible for himself, let alone trying to be responsible for everyone else. He really didn't need that on his conscience.

Instead he picked up his cup, and started to drink the coffee. It was hot, but not too hot to drink immediately. He took his coffee black, and savoured the bitter taste as he swallowed it greedily. He wasn't what most people would consider a regular coffee drinker, in fact it was fairly rare for him to drink coffee. However when he did have coffee, he enjoyed the strong bitter taste that black coffee had, and thought of it as sacrilege to spoil it by adding either milk or sugar.

(To be continued, probably next week, or possibly the week after….)

RANDOM FACTS

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means, "The king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

To get more random facts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Snatch Patch (n).

A feminine hygiene product.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Plenty of points again this week and quite a bit of movement, both up and down. The points from last night’s Liverpool game are not included. Don’t forget it’s transfer time, and transfers have to be with me before kick of the first game tomorrow, so if you haven’t made a transfer yet get a move on.

To keep up with the action, view the teams and do all kinds of random shit to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2003.htm