Squirrel, stop being such a fucking sissy, and just do it.

Congratulations to Mich who became the third winner of the weekly blonde award, following in the auspicious footsteps of Nic and Squirrel.

Just a brief note, I do not need to go to the fucking doctors! If I cough it is NOT a problem, and it is in fact perfectly normal, and the day I don't cough, you can rest assured that I will be at the doctor's asking why not.

Welcome to this week's letters, which thankfully seem to be more with it this week, than the plethora of half wits and morons that haven't exactly been Mr Current Affairs over the last couple of weeks. In an unfortunate turn of events, our PO Box has moved location, and is now next door to a local pizzeria, which is particularly famous for it's cheesy garlic bread. Well it turns out that the aroma seeps through the walls and has been lingering on our post causing the wholesale burning of both Monday's and Tuesday's post bags, before I could realise just what was happening. I therefore apologise to those readers who may have sent in earth shattering revelations and insightful comments, that may have made it into print, but unfortunately all your wise words have been burnt.

This turn of events also means that there is now no way of determining the letters of French origin, and therefore it is virtually impossible to weed out all their whining, complaining shite. (Whereas it is still possible to weed the German shite out, I mean have you smelt the combination of garlic and sauerkraut?) Anyway, point of fact about whining, Mr Jean-Pierre Papillion of Brest, France writes, "I think it is wrong for you to have made a dart board with the face of our President, Jacques Chirac on. As our president, he should be treated with respect, and not made into a figure of fun." Right then, where to start? First, coming from this writer's location I really should have expected him to be a tit. Secondly, what have I told you about thinking? Everyone knows that frogs aren't capable of thinking. Finally, why would I need to make Jacques Chirac look like a figure of fun, when he does such a good job of it himself?

Moving on, we have a letter from a M.C. Richards, from Manchester, who writes, "Why is it that everytime you mention anything either sneaky, or Russian, do you have to turn it into a sneaky fucking Russian? Are you on commission to use a snatch quote at every opportunity, no matter how convoluted it may be?" Well, Mr, or Miss Richards, (whichever it is, it's difficult to tell when we only get initials), do you realise that it would be harder than a coffin nail to deliberately weave snatch quotes into Surerandomality? They wouldn't exactly be inconspicuous would they, I mean they're not exactly a packet of peanuts. Besides, I'm not sure that I'd have the minerals, and under copyright laws I'd be in trouble now, wouldn't I, my pedigree chum.

Thanks to all those eagle eyed readers who noticed that a random fact from the Wheeler issue was repeated in the Paul Hardcastle Issue. One such reader was Mr Bert Merriweather, from Woolston, Merseyside, who wrote, "I was somewhat shocked and appalled to see that you had repeated one of your random facts in last week's edition. This seems to be indicative of the increasingly slipshod work that seems to be coming from the Surerandomality brand name. I hope that this is not the start of the slippery slope down the Glass Mountain into mediocrity. If this continues, then I may be forced to discontinue my subscription, as it will be getting to the stage where Surerandomality will not be worth the money I am paying for it" Very succinctly put Mr Merriweather, however I would like to take this opportunity offer some assurances. I admit there was a mistake, and that it is my responsibility for the quality of the publication you get every week. However due to external pressures the deadline has been particularly tight in the last couple of weeks, and there was an oversight. It is with this in mind that I shall, in the next couple of weeks be advertising for a new member of staff to add to the Surerandomality team. With regards to the value of Surerandomality, I have to point out that unless you are getting back issues (excellent value at only £6 per copy) Surerandomality is free. I would also like to point out, that as indicated in the legal information at the end of each issue, there are conditions to be met to terminate any subscription.

Which brings me nicely (or not so nicely) to Mr Perrin. It would appear that Mr Perrin's creative writing teacher is somewhat of a comedian. After last week's one million words in the flowery style of Wordsworth, this week brings about a much darker, more menacing side, in some kind of cross between William Blake and Edgar Allan Poe. In fact I'm quite sure that Mr Perrin's excruciatingly long bore-a-thon this week is more a case of creative plagiarism, than of creative writing. It would also appear that his drug intake hasn't reduced, and that he has taken an unhealthy interest in Koka "Mad Dog" Spaniel from B wing.

That's it for the letters for this week, but there will be more next week.

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Faced with a heavy snowfall, Crystal Lynn, 35, of Kent, Ohio, built a snow man in front of her home. Well, actually, it was a snow woman -- the crowning finish was a pair of snow breasts. Within five minutes, a police officer arrived in response to an anonymous man's complaint of an "inappropriate snow figure". The officer "said that I should cut off her breasts, but I said no woman wants that," Lynn said. Police deny that they told her to change her creation. "We were treating it almost as a neighborhood domestic situation," a police captain said, adding such calls "aren't one of our higher priorities." Lynn said the encounter was insulting. "It's just snow," she said. - They should just have waited for the sun to come out, and all their problems would have melted away

Stephen Wimpenney, 39, of Nashua, N.H., had collapsed and was in an ambulance when he woke up, became agitated, and started to get up despite the efforts of the emergency medical technician tending to him. "Stop, he's going to run!" EMT Chris Gamache told his partner. Before the ambulance got stopped, Wimpenney jumped out, darted across the highway -- and was struck by a passing car. - Out of the frying pan and all that.

It’s been another of those weeks, where it seems that lots has happened, yet at the same time it seems as if it’s been quiet. After a week away Ricky was back on Friday, but after a hectic week had to have the afternoon off so that he could get some sleep. Phil and Paul arrived in time to go out Friday evening, and whilst sitting around before going out, Ricky started complaining about a painful wrist, cause unknown, though it is believed that rumours, saying that this, attached to his tiredness could be attributed to his participation in the national wanking championships, are in fact spurious, not genuine and worth second prize. Anyway, I digress Ricky, Phil and Paul, along with Squirrel and G Man headed into town, and were planning to go straight to the (not so) Fab Café, however when they arrived they found that they couldn’t get in due to the fact that there was a power problem. Somewhat strange, considering that the music was still blasting out, however it was clarified that the problem was behind the bar, so the five of them wandered off to see if they could find G Man’s origins, and went in the Old Monkey, where the "Diamond" lager tasted more like coal rejected from a slag heap. After one, they went back to the not so fab café, where despite probably the worst cravings since giving up drinking, Squirrel managed (just) to stay on the soft drinks. After a few in there, next destination was called, and as they poured out into the street, only to be poured on by the weather, the nearby bright lights of the casino (Viva Las Vegas) served like a homing beacon. Twenty short minutes later they were on their way to Rusholme after Ricky blew £190 on roulette and G Man had come out £30 up. Shezan for a curry, and then another taxi back to Chez Didsbury. Saturday saw Squirrel up early to go out round second hand shops. Meanwhile G Man was off to the airport to pick up his Swiss Miss, who he then took to Urbis. The evening saw Squirrel, Ricky, Phil and Paul undecided what to do, so they went to pizza hut to feed and pass time, and where the ordering was reminiscent of a Two Ronnies sketch (the one with John Cleese). After this they came, and dismantled the bed and the tidying that G Man had spent so long sorting prior to his visitor’s arrival. Then it was on to Fallowfield, with a brief stop in Squirrel’s, before due to a process of elimination, a visit to XS, where they met Becky. A taxi back to Chez Didsbury followed, with loud music being on the agenda on arrival, waking the confused looking G Man, from his reconstructed bed. Meanwhile in Oldham, Mich was starting off the violent women weekend, by punching some random bloke outside Liquid. Sunday saw Paul and Phil returning home, and saw Hopalong making his first appearance back at Chez Didsbury since his last day at work on the Thursday. In the evening Ricky had a visit from a workmate and her sister, and along with Squirrel decided it was a good idea to play darts. However his suspect throwing action, ("You throw like a faggot") suggested that it wasn’t just his left wrist that was injured. Furthermore it was suggested that his moniker would be suited to a hairdresser. Later that night the violent women weekend continued with Nic breaking her fiancée’s nose with a well aimed head butt. Monday and Tuesday saw the normal kind of inactivity weekdays bring. Wednesday would have done, except the G Man and his Swiss miss went to Old Trafford to see the bore draw. Meanwhile Hopalong and Ricky were on a mission to empty the baby of all its beers, and joined by the still teetotal Squirrel, went on a darts and poker playing marathon, that ended after a curry in the early hours of the morning. G Man took his Swiss miss to Harrogate on the Thursday to meet the parents, Ricky spent the evening with Jayne, Hopalong went to college, and Squirrel went to visit his neighbours.

Donations for the Rex appeal have been few and far between this week, though it does appear that you’ve taken it into your heads to have a competition to find the strangest type of donation possible. The grand total for the appeal now stands at £974.79, 45 second & 49 First class stamps, 155 euros, $33.99, 11 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 54 Luncheon Vouchers, 84 Green Shield Stamps, £21.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in.

Yet again there are no updates on the whereabouts of Rex, and it is with a heavy heart that I regret to announce that, due to the fact that the trail (despite some sterling work from a number of readers and volunteers) is getting cold, if no new information is received by the 5^th April, then I will be left with no alternative, but the close the appeal. This is not a step that I take lightly but there is a limit to how much can be done in a case like this, and I assure all readers out there, that all monies collected will be forwarded on to another appropriate charity.

He stood in the middle of nowhere, well, obviously it was actually somewhere, but he didn't know where exactly here was. Furthermore he didn't even know how he had got there. Someone would know where this was, but how would that someone be able to find him to tell him where this was, and how would anyone know he was even here? He actually believed that he was in the middle of nowhere, and he looked around and saw nothing for as far as his sight would let him see.

Wherever this particular nowhere was, it was very flat and apart from some very sparse grass, there was no vegetation. The ground was a dark brown colour underneath what grass there was, so he knew he wasn't in a desert, and he didn't think he was in a very hot country due to the fact there were no telltale cracks in the earth. He didn't however know why he knew this. Thinking about things, he didn't seem to know a great deal. About anything.

As he searched the horizon in all directions, he saw no signs that might indicate where he was, or how to go about getting to anywhere that wasn't here. There were no trees, no buildings, and no surrounding hills or mountains. Although it was difficult to tell there appeared to be no roads or rivers within view. There might be, but there were no signs of any. It shouldn't have been possible to stand anywhere on Earth, and not see anything taller than himself, except maybe in a desert, which this certainly wasn't.

He looked to the sky for guidance, and found none. What appeared to be a total cloud coverage existed above him. As far as he could see, there was the same light grey cloud cover, there was no end to the cloud and not even the smallest gap with sunlight peering through. If he could see the sun he might be able to tell which way he was facing, if he knew what hemisphere he was in and the time.

With this thought, he looked at his watch and was somewhat surprised, and a little perturbed to find that on his wrist, where he was certain he had had a watch, there was a pink piece of shining metal. With no apparent fastening, but so tight to his wrist that there was no way it could have been squeezed over his hand. He pulled at it with his right hand, expecting some give, but it was solid. As he wondered how the band got there, he became aware that he was in absolute silence. Not the kind of everyday quiet, but an absolute soundless silence.

It was disconcerting, and he quickly scanned the surrounding area for something that might make a noise. It seemed that there was no living creature anywhere around. He kicked the ground and was somewhat relieved to hear a soft thud. He continued to kick at the ground, trying to break the ground up. He managed to make a small indentation in the earth, and bent down to inspect it. He expected to find some form of life such as worms, ants or beetles, but there was nothing. He used his hands and dug and scraped the earth away until he was a good 8 inches into the earth, and yet still no living creature could be found. He glanced up at the sky again, trying to catch sight of some bird flying overhead, but apart from the grey clouds for background, there was nothing.

He shivered involuntary and released a scream. No one, and no creature heard it, he was alone in the middle of nowhere, with no idea where nowhere was. He started to cry, and closed his eyes and prayed that he could depart this strange dull place, devoid of all life. Almost immediately it seemed that his prayers had been answered, as he heard the shrill sound of some kind of air horn. He opened his eyes, and immediately found himself looking up at theatre billboards of New York's Broadway. A sense of relief washed over him, it was the last emotion that he ever felt, as the Mack truck whose horn had dragged him to his senses, hit him at 40 miles an hour and killed him immediately.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material of the indestructible black box?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Chap (v).

To gently slap your penis in the face of your sleeping wife, girlfriend or party guest, take a Polaroid photograph and leave it in a place where they are bound to come across it. E.G. fridge door, car windscreen, Internet.

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" inquired the doctor. "Yeah." said the man. "Well, what did they have to say about it?" asked the doctor. "They're in favour, 15 to 2." replied the man.

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide, and he said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink." The men were thrilled, and the first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! he landed in a glass of beer and was happy as can be. The second guy went down the slide yelling, ''Lemonaaaaaaaaaaaaade!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade, and was thrilled The third guy went down the slide yelling, ''Wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and Aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw

them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good Morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know its blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!" Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog." Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!"

A Welsh rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and s he has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Welsh fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: " Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and gasping with pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the Welshman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly. The Scotsman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Scot replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be? The Sheikh asked. "Tie the Englishman to my back."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "my elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor". His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." Peter figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in a fortnight. That evening whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

After the lavish wedding reception, Judi and Amanpreet retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some romantic CDs to put on the in-room stereo. He then excused himself for a bit and returned wearing just a robe. He carried a bottle of Dom Perignon. He opened the champagne and poured himself and Judi a drink. She giggled at the way the bubbles popped out of the glass. They drank their champagne, kissed, rubbed each other, and kissed some more. Finally, Amanpreet took the girl of his dreams by her hand, stood up, and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. When Judi stopped after a couple of steps, Amanpreet gently asked, "What's wrong my love?" "I'll be damned," she muttered. "Every stinking time I go out with a guy it ALWAYS ends up the same way!"

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Three women were walking down a street and found a bottle lying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.'' The first woman wished she was 20 times smarter. The genie made her 20 times smarter. The second woman wished she was 30 times smarter. The genie made her 30 times smarter. The last woman wished she was 60 times smarter. The genie turned her into a man.

Dr. Owens, the world famous psychiatrist, was the guest of honor at a chic party hosted by equally world famous Judi. Judi saddled up next to Dr. Owens, batted her eyes, tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and asked, "Doctor, would you mind telling me, how would you detect a mental deficiency in a someone who appears completely normal?" Dr. Owens chuckled. "Nothing could be easier, my dear. All you have to do is ask the person a very simple question which anyone could answer with no trouble at all. If the person hesitates, that lets you know something might be wrong 'upstairs,' so to speak." "Interesting. What sort of question?" "Well, for example, let me ask you: Columbus made four trips to North America and died during one of them. Which one?" Judi thought for a second and said, "Ummm, do you have another question to ask? I never was very good at history."

Like a Barnes Wallis invention, the weekend comes bouncing along to blow the dam open and let the weekend explode forth. What pours out into the void left by the busy week is anybody's guess. G Man should return to Chez Didsbury, and yet again there is plenty of football to keep the masses occupied over the weekend, Young Ricky has plans afoot for his other half. As would be expected there will be drinking, dancing and eating out, however after last week's little misfortune, it is unlikely that three will be an immediate return to the casino (Viva Las Vegas). Hopefully a return to the disturbing film convention on Sunday night will be achieved, but rest assured, even if the crystal ball is a little wonky, you will get all the details next week, even if it does get messy. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

Beavis and Butthead. Time tends to dilute the memories of just how amazing this masterpiece of creation, but recent reacquaintence with it has brought the warm memories rushing back. Basically two dumb cartoon American teenagers, sit round talking shit over bizarre music videos, and cause all round pandemonium whilst out and about in the real world. (Hold on, apart from the cartoon American teenager bit, isn’t this a description of the residents of Chez Didsbury?) There isn’t an episode where you don’t end up laughing out loud. (Tuesday saw Beavis saying "If I was on a plane that was crashing I’d run around screaming, just to freak everyone else out even more") What we need is a dedicated Beavis and Butthead channel, I’m sure that there’s enough channels out there to accommodate this. (I mean, who needs 16 shopping channels?) So write to Sky and MTV and demand the introduction of the Beavis and Butthead channel.

I really don’t know what gets into you lot, I asked for suggestions for suitable names for jobs, and you send me in the entire contents of a pack of happy family cards, I mean Mr Bun the fucking Baker. In fact imagination was in short supply. Not so worthy entries included Teresa Green as a gardener, Lou Payper as a janitor, and Phil Crater as a road digger. The winner who wins the 1992 Guinness book of hit singles is a Miss Carrie Wood, from Epping, in the New Forest, who happens to be employed as a Carpenter’s Mate.

For this week’s competition, considering this is The Score, I want you to guess the score of Newcastle’s final Champions League game next Wednesday against Barcelona. Entries must be in before kick off in that game, and as a tiebreaker, could you please put down the time (in minutes) that you think the first goal will be scored. The prize for the winner is £20. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

TOTAL = 18

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 203