Belated Happy Birthday to Morning, who was 19 last Saturday.

Happy Birthday to Mich who is 22 today.

Well done to Mich, who managed to win her second consecutive blonde award after a last minute piece of brilliance to snatch the crown.

Congratulations to Valencia, who did everyone a favour by knocking the Arsenal scum out of Europe.

Welcome to this week's letters, which are the same as last week’s letters only with different people and different content. The strategic placing of numerous Fridge Fresh’s meant that the overpowering smell of garlic has been virtually eradicated this week, however the side effect of this is that so has the smell of sauerkraut, which means that we have been opening post from some very sour krauts. Feedback on the new layout has been good, though there appeared to be some confusion from the less wide awake readers. There were a number of readers who wrote in asking where various sections were, such as the jokes. Let me just repeat something from last week, (unlike me I know, but when times must.) Some sections have moved, but nothing has been dropped.

Anyway, a sample letter from a sour kraut, a Dietmar Schwartz of Monchengladbach, Germany writes (somewhat repetitively, so this is edited), "I can not be having you constant poking fun at Deutsclanders, we good people, not deserving of you mean being." That was the most sense I could get from any of his sentences. He did mention football, and from the tone of his letter I can safely say that he is likely to be one of the most hated men in football, he is likely to be the one who starts the chant give us a B, at a Borussia Monchengladbach game.

Miss Svetlana Bendovabich, from Kiev, Ukraine writes, " I know where the place in last weeks story was, as I live just 30 miles from it, but I do not know how he got to this Broadway place, I have never seen or heard of it, and I don’t know how a truck could have been there as there are no roads anywhere nearby." Thanks for clearing that up. NEXT!

Mr Andrew Mace, from Thetford, Norfolk, sent this piece of stunning insight. "Not long ago, there was one dark day, in the middle of the night, I saw two dead men get up to fight. They stood back to back, yet faced each other, they drew their swords and managed to shoot each other." Thank you Mr Mace, the nice men in the white coats will be along shortly to help with your move to new surroundings.

Mr Charlie Orse, from Tamworth Staffordshire (and before anyone starts, we’re not going through that shit again!) writes, "Have you noticed that bags of sugar seem to be a lot lighter now than they did when you were young? They appear to be the same size, but they don’t feel as heavy. I think that this is good, as I prefer lighter things." Was there supposed to be a point to this? A few clear up points, of course the bag of sugar feels lighter, you’ve grown up now and are stronger, things seem lighter. As for you preferring lighter things, you should know by now that policy around here is that heavy is good, heavy is reliable.

Shakespeare. Why? If anyone knows who’s teaching creative English at Lincoln Prison then please let me know as soon as possible, as the man needs to be stopped. Eight thousand words of wit and wisdom this week (and yes mate, I am being sarcastic) from Mr. Perrin, and at least 4000 of them start TH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. . . . . . . . . . . . . . (There’s no limits)

That's it for the letters for this week, but there will be more next week.

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Trouble hasn't abated for Richard Goddard Jr., 21. Last year, Goddard sued a radio station that didn't pay him after he took them up on a joke offer to give $150,000 to anyone who tattooed the station's logo on their forehead. He whined so much to his roommates, John and Mary Rushman of Colona, Ill., about how his life couldn't be worse that the couple allegedly tied a noose around his neck and tried to hang him. When that failed, they allegedly beat him with a hammer. He survived, and the Rushmans have been arrested. Goddard's grandmother notes that since the tattooing, "He hasn't been able to get a job." - Why on earth not? I’m sure there’s a village out there somewhere, lacking an idiot.

New Mexico's Gov. Bill Richardson has announced he is working to change the highway number of U.S. 666, which cuts through a corner of his state, as well as Utah and Colorado. Rhonda Faught, Secretary of New Mexico's Highway and Transportation Department, claims the number "discourages tourism and economic development in the area." The number, assigned in the 1940s, designates the road as the sixth offshoot from Route 66. - Was this the eponymous road in Chris Rea’s Road to Hell?

Friday started early and ended late, seeing a well overdue return to the kind of carnage that legend had bestowed on the residents of Chez Didsbury. G Man returned mid afternoon, after seeing off his Swiss miss at the airport. From a residency in Piccadilly Gardens with the illegal immigrants and cider drinkers, he made contact with the other residents of Chez Didsbury, inviting them to an early start. Hopalong was the first to pick up the gauntlet thrown down, and a 5pm start in the friendship got things underway. By the time Squirrel got there at 7, they had already been joined by Mary and Becs (G Man’s ex), plus the twat in the hat. It was obvious from early on that it was going to get messy. It was also obvious that Mary didn’t want to be there, and would have preferred to be at home watching comic relief. Ricky and Jayne joined the throng at about half nine, and shortly afterwards Hopalong and Mary went for food. Whilst they were gone Becky and Vic turned up. Vic had been drinking since midday, and even a half drunk midget monkey could have told, and G Man did notice. Hopalong returned to the fray alone after a slight domestic, with the intention of going home, something he was talked out of by G Man and Becs (you will need to pay attention here and remember to differentiate between Becs and Becky). Vic went home before time with the somewhat lame excuse of study the next day (and she’s not a student), and after an hour of musical chairs and wandering aimlessly around, a move was made to go to the next pub. On the way the crowd lost the twat in the hat (and his mate baldy, who had turned up at some stage), and Hopalong had gone to try and resolve his differences with Mary. This left Squirrel, G Man, Ricky, Jayne, Becky and Becs going into XS. Hopalong arrived not long after negotiations for peace had been unsuccessful. Squirrel, Becky and Jayne danced, G Man and Becs got reacquainted with tonsil hockey, and Ricky and Hopalong reacquainted themselves with the quiz machine. Becky left just before last orders, and the remaining six were finishing off, when all hell broke loose, with a shower of glasses and bottles in the bar, and a stabbing. Upon their hasty departure, Squirrel went to get food, and the other 5 got a taxi back to Chez Didsbury. Squirrel after wandering home, and sending random text messages, got in just after 3 and settled down to watch MTV, assuming everyone was in bed. He was therefore amazed when the door went at just after 4 and G Man and Hopalong came in. Becs had gone home after the Olympic training had suddenly kicked in again for G Man. Hopalong had suggested going for a curry and off they went. Becs meanwhile had had a somewhat disturbing journey home, after flagging down what turned out was a private car, the driver wasn’t quite sane, and took her phone off her and drove her to a random location, saying he was teaching her a lesson. He let her get out of the car, gave her phone back and drove off. Saturday saw Ricky off home for a family party, and Hopalong eventually sober enough to go round to Mary’s at 5. Meanwhile Squirrel just stayed in bed until twenty to seven. Squirrel and G Man had every intention of staying in, and doing nothing, but as happens so often, someone mentions the word out, and off they go, this time it was their neighbours Tessa and new resident Ginger Paul. A few quiet drinks in Didsbury was the plan, but, due to repeated anecdotes from Ginger Paul, a louder destination was needed, and despite the previous night’s violence they ended up in XS, where they met with Becky and Vic. G Man added another string to his bow of impressive accomplishments, by managing to bore Tessa into falling asleep, by talking non stop for over an hour, a feat made all the more impressive by the fact that Ginger Paul wasn’t speaking, just wandering aimlessly around XS so that everyone could laugh at the Ginger hair / Hawaiian shirt combination. On leaving it was Abdul’s for food and a taxi back, where Tessa just managed to negotiate the short walk to her front door. Sunday saw lounging, football, both playing and watching, pizza and films. Monday had more fun and games. Hopalong had a G Man-esque imaginary vision, where whilst at Mary’s he saw a fight outside the window, and rang the police, of course when the police turned up, there was no sign of any one or any trouble in the street. This is however thought to be more plausible than the great fire of Burnage story. Squirrel went out walking, and returned to a locked house, fortunately the remaining residents had failed to bolt both the back doors and he found his way in, however whilst out they had taken control of his phone and sent out random text messages. Ricky got his air pistol out and was going to go in the back garden when Squirrel’s phone beeped, he read the message and then went to the source, who happened to be Tessa from next door. It was while there, he found out that his phone had been used to send out random messages, He returned to find the doors locked again, and couldn’t be arsed to piss about and proceeded to shoulder barge the door, which prompted the rapid unlocking of it. Squirrel went off on one as he felt that his phone being in his pockets, meant it was out of bounds, as it wasn’t that he’d left it lying around in the open. Tuesday saw moping about the house and an attempt to watch the football, and Garden had a mega domestic. Wednesday saw Hopalong off to Oakham and Rockingham with Mary for the weekend, allegedly to do with motor racing, but with the box having a Blue week, we know that he's really gone away so that he can watch the Blue week in peace. Garden became a one night temporary resident of Chez Didsbury, and Squirrel did one of his patented can't be arsed to moved so sleep on the sofa with the tv on (oh and by the way Arsenal lost, ha ha ha! Ricky is gutted). Thursday saw more football watching, and Ricky having Jayne in his room. Squirrel has got to the end of the week, but still hasn't done anything, fucking sissy.

Donations for the Rex appeal have picked up again this week and the total (in everyday British currency) has gone through the £1000 barrier. Thanks once again to all those who have contributed. The grand total for the appeal now stands at £1021.57, 12 Guinea, 49 second & 49 First class stamps, 158 euros, $38.99, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 54 Luncheon Vouchers, 84 Green Shield Stamps, £21.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in.

Yet again there are no updates on the whereabouts of Rex, and it is with a heavy heart that I regret to announce that, due to the fact that the trail (despite some sterling work from a number of readers and volunteers) is getting cold, if no new information is received by the 5^th April, then I will be left with no alternative, but the close the appeal. This is not a step that I take lightly but there is a limit to how much can be done in a case like this, and I assure all readers out there, that all monies collected will be forwarded on to another appropriate charity. It has to be said that it is getting dangerously close to the deadline and there has been no word. Can I urge all readers to make one final effort in order to find Rex’s location. In response to a couple of letters, no I will not be running a save the save Rex appeal, you can take things too far.

He started at the Abraham Lincoln High School in the fall following his aunt's funeral, and found it a totally different experience to the Masterman school, and due to events had gone to High school with a totally different mindset. During the summer vacation he had had a sudden spurt of growth, and had bulked out so that he was no longer the slight thing that had hampered his hockey aspirations over the last three years. Despite this he had decided that he wasn't going to try out for the hockey team anyway.

During the summer he had got a job as an office boy for Trebling Software, a small local software company that had only started up the year before. He hadn't had much experience with computers previously, there were a few at Masterman, but he hadn't really used them, and he'd spent a fair amount of time in the local arcades playing on the various games. If he was honest with himself, he had not really been interested in computers, and had never considered having one.

The few weeks spent working at Trebling certainly piqued his interest, and as he got round to starting high school, he knew that the world of computers was where his future lay. He had never previously known what he wanted to do at the end of school, but he certainly did now. Towards the end of the vacation he had found himself staying late at trebling so that he could learn more about computers and could be done on them. He managed to persuade the owners, and the principle programmers, Dave Dorling and Andrew Trebilcock, to keep him on a part time basis while he was in high school. They probably didn't need him for a s many hours as they gave him to work, but they seemed to like him, and a smart, enthusiastic kid could be an asset to the firm, after all that's what they started out as.

He spent his first few days at Abraham Lincoln High changing his courses and rearranging his timetable, so that he could manage to do computing. Once again he had found something that he had a natural aptitude for, and found that computing took over from hockey as a spare time activity. Dave and Andrew let him have an old monitor and that, along with pieces from wrecked machines and spares, meant he was able to build himself a computer. This might have meant the end of contact with the outside world, and probably would have done if he hadn't met Claire.

Claire Fallenfant was a senior at Abraham Lincoln High, and he had met her in the refectory, by almost running her over whilst in a rush to grab lunch and get back to the computer lab. He had been mortified and was worried that he had hurt her, but as he helped her up, he could here her laughing, and whilst mumbling out an apology, which she gracefully accepted, he surprised himself by asking her if she wanted her if he could make amends by taking her for a drink after school. He was even more surprised when she said yes, and he took lunch at a more sedate pace that day, and never bothered with the computer lab. The drink was followed by a number of dates, and before he even had the chance to realise, they were an item.

The first year of high school rushed past, and left him wondering just where the time went. His studies were going well, and if he continued to get the kind of marks he had got during the first year then he would have no problems getting into any university he wanted to. The job at Trebling had progressed and with what he had been taught there, and on his course at high school, he had been allowed to do some test coding for one of their new games, and was therefore making decent money for a part time job, and would have the opportunity to get some serious work done during the vacation. His relationship with Claire was also going well, and they spent nearly all their spare time together. The only problem on the horizon was that Claire had finished high school, and in the fall would be off to university at Duke.

All porcupines float in water.

Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can you set your laser printer on stun?

Is it truly possible to have a civil war?

Stroke the dog through the letterbox (euph).

To slide your hand down the front of a lady's knickers.

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let’s see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores. Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself. Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room. One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!" The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room. Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?" "Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries. The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!" Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!" "Sir?" "You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"

When I was in the fourth grade, we had the horrible Mr. Johnson as our teacher. Once he got called to the office. When he got back, he found all of us sitting absolutely still and quiet. Shocked, he asked, "Boys and girls, I've never seen anything like this. It's wonderful. But what made you all act so well behaved and quiet?" We all looked at each other and I finally raised my hand.

"Well," I said, "one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead."

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?" The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with "I". Julie: I is... Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, "I am." Julie: All right . . . "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, God made you," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a nearby mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen." The husband replied, "I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun."

An Eskimo’s car breaks down and a Welshman stops to help. He tells the Eskimo the problem is you’ve blown a seal. The Eskimo replies, so what you fuck sheep.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst . . . Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because . . . you're not a monk!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Despite some not genuine, spurious rumours there is no surprise party for Paul this weekend, so those that were worried about not being able to make it, won’t have to worry any more. What else is happening then, well to be honest who cares? Oh, right, I see, you all do. In which case it’s going to have to be a case of best guess scenario. Hopalong is still absent from the scene, visiting Rockingham with Mary. Friday, going out, drinking, food and definitely no casino (Viva Las Vegas), and no losing vast amounts of cash, and this time I do mean it. Saturday sees Mich celebrating her birthday, which will see Squirrel escaping from the rest of the residents of Chez Didsbury, but I’m quite sure they will be going full gun to try and find out where he is, plus added into the equation is a mini Scottish invasion for a piss up prior to a week’s snowboarding. Sunday will be for rest, recuperation and football watching, which will bring us back to Monday and another week at work safe in the knowledge that somewhere along the line it will have got messy. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

First the answers from last week, the score in the Newcastle Vs Barcelona game was 2-0 to Barcelona. The winner due to the fact that he got the minute of the first goal correct as well was Mr R Grant from Winchelsea, East Sussex, who wins £20.

For this week’s competition, who had a hit with The Key, The Secret in the 90’s? This week’s prize is ticket’s to see Connah’s Quay play their welsh league game against TNS in three weeks time. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

TOTAL = 12

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 215