Congratulations to Kate for winning the blonde of the week award with a measly three points after a total silence from most of the other competitors for most of the week.

A fortunate escape for H this week, who narrowly escaped serious injury Monday night after having to dive out of the way of a speeding car driven by 70's perm specialist, and part time singer Leo Sayer.

Now a warning of possible future mutation. If Squirrel doesn't do something in the next week or so, he will be redesignated as Chicken.

Welcome to this week's letters, and thanks for nothing you illiterate bunch of has beens. I would like to point out that due to sheer dross I've had this week there are only a couple of printworthy items.

I'm not even going to go with the Germans and French, as they are beneath contempt.

Mr. Patrick Quinn, from Lahinch, County Clare, Eire, writes in with the following piece of brilliant rubbish. "I was on my way to work one morning when I saw this empty lorry, that was full of bricks, run over a dead cat lying in the road, and I'll tell you what, it half killed it. Before you could say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious this ambulance pulls up, and gets the cat onto a stretcher and, cos I'm the only witness take me to the hospital with it. When it got there it sat at the corner of a round table, and it sat there chewing at the dry end of a wet cloth, and I could swear it looked quite contented." While you all try to take that in, I'll take this opportunity to say don't mind the dog, the big rabbit gets fucked.

Next up is a Sattaya Chakarot Narmsara, from Kanchanaburi, Thailand (and I don't know whether that is male or female, for all I know it could be a hermaphrodite or a ladyboy), writes the following, "Prungnii tieng kuen shan rak khan, dirn tang dooi swasdee pap pob gan mai wanangkan, Mii kai mai, ign mai dai tang mod tau rai." Now to be honest I haven't got a clue what any of that means, but it made a hell of a lot more sense than most of your letters this week. For all I know it could be lots of abuse, or even a shopping list, but who gives a fuck.

Short and sweet. Hitman, creative writing teacher, Lincoln prison, Mr Perrin, Ted Hughes, Poems about the soap and the shower, make it stop.

That's it for the letters for this week, but there will be more next week.

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

A student told a teacher that Kevin Long had a knife at Struthers (Ohio) Elementary School. Sure enough, the first-grader had a small plastic knife in his book bag that he got from the school cafeteria. He had kept it so he could show his mother he had learned how to butter bread. The school's zero tolerance policy says a knife is a weapon, so Principal Betty Washington suspended the 6-year-old boy for 10 days while a 180-day expulsion is considered. - Is paper going to be banned next? You get worse paper cuts than cuts from plastic knives.

Nezha Saad of Toronto, Ont., Canada, suffers from a mood disorder, and can get anxious and depressed if she doesn't take medication. During one of her spells, she called the police and told them her husband was threatening her and her children. Mohammed Saad denied the charge, and once back on her meds Nezha recanted, noting that her husband has never even spanked their children. But the province has a zero-tolerance domestic abuse policy; Mohammed was arrested, and it took six weeks for him to get out on bail. By then he had been suspended from his job, and a restraining order was filed to keep him from seeing his wife or children without "supervision". Nezha says she has been told if she changes the story she told while she was off her medications, she could lose her children. Because the ZT policy requires prosecution, the courts are clogged with cases, so the Saad's case is not expected to be heard until 17 months after their nightmare started. - Well, if you marry a nutter, what can you expect

It’s been a return to the old school this week, with the near on three months teetotalism by Squirrel had a weekend's break of tip top drunkenness. After a bombardment to drink on Saturday on work's night out for Mich's birthday, he finally cracked at 8.45 Friday evening, and had the first taste of that sweet Stella he had been missing all year. What was going to be a quiet night in soon descended into carnage. After a couple of cans with G Man, they got Tessa to come out, and managed to tempt Ricky and Jayne to come out, instead of the quiet night in they had planned. A swift walk into Didsbury for one in The Dog and Partridge, was followed by a taxi to Big Hands (Small inside). Several rapid beers suddenly had the night at after 1pm. Ricky and Jayne left not long afterwards. At about the same time Squirrel and G Man's memory of night's events went as well. Only reports from Tessa can indicate what happened after that (and she's well pleased to say that she was the most sober after going drinking with Squirrel and G Man). It would appear that Squirrel was bored to sleep by G Man (second week on the trot as mogodon man, he's certainly after ginger Paul's title). They were the last to leave Big Hands, after some not so gentle persuasion by the door staff. Next door into Abduls, where a spot of late night WWE Pissed as fuck took place, before a taxi home, with Squirrel singing G Man's theme tune (I wish I was a little bit taller) all the way home. Squirrel fell asleep, and G Man disappeared, leaving Tessa to her own devices, which involved surrounding Squirrel with every sauce bottle in Chez Didsbury, before getting bored and going home. Saturday saw Mummy and Daddy G arriving to pick up G Man to go to football, and dropping a TV off, neither of which he was really prepared for. In the afternoon Gordon and Greg arrived for a visit before their morning flight off to Andorra, and along with Squirrel and G Man were in the Clock Tower at 5. Me Laird travelled over from his country estate to join them. Squirrel and Me Laird then went to The Moon Under Water to meet up With Garden and Mich, and her mate also called Michelle. G Man, Gordon and Greg (The three G's) arrived too late to share the champagne. On to the hogshead for a swift drink, before heading for Teasers. Lots more drinking, a little dancing, some armpit licking, was followed by some puking by Garden which led to her ejection. At the same time Michelle (number 2) was puking in the toilets. Everyone left in separate parties, though Squirrel, Garden, Me Laird and the 3 G's all met up on the way to the bus stop for the journey back to Chez Didsbury. G Man managed one of the longest and loudest Bgerks in history on to Ricky's answer phone. It was so good that people were coming down stairs to see what was happening. A Kebab, and a taxi journey followed before a rendition of that all time favourite Gold. Snatch was the nights recommended movie. Gordon and Greg managed to get out of the house at 6.30 to go to the airport, only to find their flight delayed and an extended stay at the airport. Me Laird and Garden left before 11, and to finish the weekend off, there was a really dirty fry up. The afternoon saw Frisbee, football, and throwing the pan up the tree, which managed to get a reasonable sized audience from the surrounding properties. Hopalong came back from his Rutland experience, to find out he'd missed a Squirrel on the piss weekend. After the usual nasty Sunday night DVD, it was back to work. Well for most people it was, but G Man was feeling the after effects of the weekend and had to have two Hawk days. The rest of the week was comprised of watching football, films and early nights.

Donations for the Rex appeal have been few and far between this week, though it does appear that you’ve taken it into your heads to have a competition to find the strangest type of donation possible. The grand total for the appeal now stands at £1081.67, 12 Guinea, 52 second & 51 First class stamps, 168 euros, $39.99, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 54 Luncheon Vouchers, 84 Green Shield Stamps, £21.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in.

Yet again there are no updates on the whereabouts of Rex, and it is with a heavy heart that I regret to announce that, due to the fact that the trail (despite some sterling work from a number of readers and volunteers) is getting cold, if no new information is received by the 5^th April, then I will be left with no alternative, but the close the appeal. This is not a step that I take lightly but there is a limit to how much can be done in a case like this, and I assure all readers out there, that all monies collected will be forwarded on to another appropriate charity. There is only a week left and therefore, please, can everyone make a final extra special effort to find something this week.

The summer vacation was the most difficult of his young life. In some ways it was a good time, with full time employment at Trebling. He was hardly doing any of the clerical work that he had originally been taken on to do the summer before, but spent time alternating between doing some coding for one of next year's releases, testing for this years releases, and writing documentation. He really couldn't believe that he was getting paid to spend a large part of his time playing games.

Despite how well this was going, he found that his relationship with Claire was somewhat strained. Claire had been accepted to go to university at Duke. The year's age difference, which should have caused no problem, seemed to loom large over the pair of them. She wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but when they did spend time together, there was a tenseness between them that hadn't been there previously. It was obvious that Claire was apprehensive about the fact that she was going to be away at university. Even though Duke wasn't the other side of the country, it was still a few hours drive away, and both of them would be busy, with both work and study. Chances to be with each other at weekends would be few and far between, and they would only really get any time to be with each other during vacations.

The entire summer was spent with uncommunicative evenings, though at least they didn't argue. As the start of the fall term approached, things had gotten to the point where they agreed to separate, so that they could try and go on and live normal lives as individuals in different cities. If he was honest he wasn't happy with the separation, and he thought that he could have done things differently, and been more supportive, as it must have been a difficult time for Claire. They had parted on a reasonably friendly basis, and hadn't managed to have any major rows that may have soured their view of each other. They had decided to keep in touch, and for the first couple of months he wrote to her every week, just inconsequential chat, and was quite pleased to get replies from Claire on a fairly similar frequency.

Thanksgiving arrived before he could even think where the time had gone, and Claire came back to Philadelphia for the holiday. They spent a lot of time together, and the general atmosphere between them was so much better than it had been during the summer, and at the end of the break it was upsetting when Claire had to go back. As well as writing they now spoke several times a week on the phone and he took a weekend off from work and study to go up and visit her.

You know the score, more when I can be arsed.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

If you bring a racoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

And if a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Quim Pro Quo (n. Lat).

An ancient Roman bartering system where goods and services are exchanged for Gash.

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left hand, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and

her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before. The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

The other night in bed, April woke her husband up by shaking his arm. "Hey, hey, wake up." "Huh? What? You want to go AGAIN? Girl, you're insatiable!" "Like you could get it up twice. No, no, asshole. Listen!" She cocked her head like one of those damned Chihuahuas. "You hear that? It sounds like there's someone in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight." Rolling back on my side I said, "What do we care as long as they don't die in the house?"

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

Grandmother is 94 years old. But she still likes to kick up her heels and go crazy. Not long ago Mama Hazel was traveling through Italy when she became ill. The doctors there advised her to fly back to Alabama. Two hours after her plane left Italy, one of the engines conked out. They kept flying until about an hour later, somewhere over the Mediterranean, another engine caught fire. I guess that was their clue to turn around and head back to Italy. Once they arrived, the stewardess turned to Mama Hazel and told her, "You were the calmest passenger we had, ma'am." Mama Hazel replied, "Honey, at my age I'm living on borrowed time. And since I'm traveling on borrowed money, I figured I didn't have much to lose."

What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath!!!

Three guys at a football game are sitting behind three nuns. They can't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there." One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there." Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there." Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"

There is a feeling that there is something important due to be happening this weekend, but I'm proper fucked if I know what it is, I suppose whatever it is will sneak up and smack us upside our heads. As far as I'm aware it's not anybody's birthday, there are no house parties planned, and no big nights out arranged, but there is that nagging sensation in the back of my brain that something spectacular is due to happen. If it doesn't then it would seem that there is a quiet weekend on the cards, with Squirrel back in teetotal mode, and G Man threatening to join him. A recent flurry of paydays may see some more shopping for fads to be used in Chez Didsbury, but money may also cause visits to the casino (Viva Las Vegas) that everyone amazingly managed to avoid the week before. Well you know the score by now, whatever happens it will appear here at some stage next week. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

First the answers from last week, The Key, The Secret was a hit for the Urban Cookie (mmmm sweet sweet cookies) Collective. Last week's winner was a Miss Hazel Nutt, from Bristol, who wins tickets for Connah's Quay home match against TNS in two week's time.

For this week’s competition, In the Disney Cartoons how many other ducks were related to Donald. This week's prize is a bottle of Harrods's specially prepared orange Sauce. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

TOTAL = 8

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 223