Well done to G Man for being incapable of even standing when the window of opportunity was wide open, and I don’t know what you’re laughing at Ricky, falling asleep isn’t much better.

Congratulations to Michelle who managed to regain the blonde of the week title after an outstandingly dizzy Thursday and Friday.

The mutation has started, there is now officially a Squircken on the loose, after a half assed attempt at bravery.

Welcome to this week's letters, which includes more random shit from more random readers.

Miss Marie Martin, of Glasgow, wrote in to ask whether I had a contact address for Patrick Quinn from last week's letters, as she wants to get in contact with him, with regards to doing a follow up on the little tale he sent in last week. Well, if Mr Quinn is reading and wants to send in his address, and is happy to do so then I will pass it on to Marie.

Another week, another foreign language letter, this week a Mr Miguel Delgardo, from Alicante in Spain writes the following "Que el hombre de G es un mono loco, él necesita ser más alto sin. Embargo. En cuanto a Ricky, él debe parar el ser tal arrogante lo sabe todo. La ardilla es tuercas y es probbaly autistic, en cuanto al salto adelante, él necesita salir debajo del pulgar" Yet again no real idea what this is going on about, but there does appear to be a few familiar words, and I'm not sure I really want to get into what it actually means.

Mr Kolin Nolting, a local languages expert had the following to contribute, "The letter last week that was from Thailand, had a number of words in that are used in the Malay language, but I don't know what they mean." Thanks for clearing that up, please if ever you have the need to show that you're not exactly Mr Current Affairs, please do hesitate to contact us.

Mrs Julie Grounder from Burnham On Sea, Somerset writes, "I too had a close encounter involving Leo Sayer and a Motor Car. Unfortunately he saw me coming and managed to run to safety before I could mount the kerb and kill him, by the time I'd turned around to take another shot at it, he had already scarpered into the local police station, and I though that at that time it would be wise to make a break for it, but lost control and hit an elderly man with a bag on his head. Fortunately I was able to flee the scene." Oooh Julie, what have you done? There's no indication of where or when this event took place, but I'd suggest either a solicitor or a counsellor.

As normal no weekly post bag would be complete without the normal half a tree of rubbish from Mr Perrin. This week his rather lucky to be alive creative writing teacher has obviously introduced him to the delights of JRR Tolkien, as it would appear that all kinds of strange and delightful creatures have suddenly started inhabiting Lincoln prison, and an enclosed map clearly has mention of the surrounding shire and the towers are clearly marked. If it wasn't so bad it would be funny.

That's it for the letters for this week, but there will be more next week.

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

"The name of this company is shocking to me," said City Councilman Joe Powell during a council meeting in Tuscaloosa, Ala. "It disturbs me that any cuss words can be used without any legitimacy and licensed by the city," he said, referring to a new Bad Ass Coffee Shop opening in town. The multi-state chain's logo includes a donkey. Powell considers the name "morally questionable." - Imagine what he'd do with a shop called Fanny's, with a picture of a kitten on the logo.

"People really like the name," says Bob Potter, owner of a small chain of Mexican food restaurants called C.O. Jones, home of "ballsy Mexican cuisine". The name is "a great marketing tool," he says. But when Potter tried to open a new outlet in West Hartford, Conn., local officials vetoed the name after realizing "cojones" is Spanish slang for "testicles". Rob Rowlson, West Hartford's business development officer, says the name "was just not appropriate for the standards this community espouses." Potter is searching for a new name, but in the meantime the new outlet will simply be known as "Mexican Restaurant". - What a load of bollocks

It’s been one of those weeks where there can be only one word to describe the goings on.

Carnage.

Donations for the Rex appeal have been few and far between this week, though it does appear that you’ve taken it into your heads to have a competition to find the strangest type of donation possible. The grand total for the appeal now stands at £1155.44, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 178 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 55 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in.

As if by magic, just before the deadline arrived, we have had contact from a Benjamin Andrew Daniel Slice, who happens to a member of Brampton Golf Club in Cumbria. It would appear that he did indeed manage to hook his first shot with a brand new Titleist Pro V1 into the water hazard at the first hole back in October. Therefore the whole of the Surerandomality office and all those volunteers from the Rex appeal will be going to Brampton on Sunday to dredge the pond in the hope that we can find Rex. Of course it goes without saying that you'll have all the news on how we got on next week, so please all cross your fingers and pray.

We got some rules to follow, for a start, you got to wriggle and jiggle like Joltan, jump around, sit down, move your body, jack to the sound of the underground, do the mashed potato, get big mac fries to go, got me on milk and alcohol. But to rock this party we don’t need drugs stimulants or bacardi cos, out your big mouth nothing’s coming out, you make me want to shout, but when I try to speak my tongue gets weak and I, leave in silence.

When I’m dancing on the dance floor girl it’s you that I adore, the way you make me feel, I just can’t describe it. You make me glad all over, the white cliffs of Dover, on the streets of Birmingham I wonder to myself, down the path along side the lake a tender hearted woman, take it out on me.

One two three four five six times setting, up the house is my bread and butter, another def jam, you gotta eat up, cos the men from Mars is through eating bars and now he only eats guitars, drums please, Louise drag me off of my knees, now I’m still standing even after all these, Tequila it makes me happy it makes me, head, go round round, please don’t let me hit the ground tonight I’ll find myself alone I’ll find myself as I go home, and trying to sleep before the break of dawn and while you’re sleeping you start to dream, but not only that, there’s always something there to remind me, that and this these and those no one knows.

Queens of the Stone Age – No One knows, The Jam – Start, EPMD – Strictly Business, House of Pain – Jump around, James – Sit down, Marshall Jefferson – Move your body, Hithouse – Jack to the sound of the underground, Wilson Pickett – Land of a thousand dances, Pop Will Eat Itself – Defcon one, Dr Feelgood – Milk and Alcohol, The Real Roxanne – Bang Zoom, Grandmaster Melle Mel & the Furious Five – Step off, Lulu – Shout, The Style Council – Wanted, Depeche Mode – Leave in silence, Jungle Brothers – Because I got it like that, Michael Jackson – The way you make me feel, Ce Ce Peniston – Finally, Dave Clark Five – Glad all over, Vera Lynn – The White cliffs of Dover, The Smiths – Panic, Al Wilson – The Snake, Audioslave – Cochise, Blapps Posse – Don’t hold back, Harry Enfield – Loadsamoney, Public Enemy – Rebel without a pause, Cookie Crew – Got to keep on, Blondie – Rapture, DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince – Summertime, Kenny Loggins – Footloose, Elton John – I’m still standing, Terrorvision – Tequila, Prince – Head, Sugababes – Round Round, New Order – Temptation, Sugarhill Gang – Rapper’s delight, Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five – World War III, Sandie Shaw – There’s always something there to remind me, Queens of the Stone Age – No One knows.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.

Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?

And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Beer Monkey (n).

A mythical simian creature, which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money and shits in our mouth.

Not to be confused with Monkey Man, who fails to find his bed in a drunken stupor, ruffles his own hair, spends or loses all his own money, and shits while puking in the sink at the same time.

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie? Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you!!!!! I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality! I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche...

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means, "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Amanpreet got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local bar. He made such a racket slamming into the furniture as he weaved through the house, he woke Judi upstairs in the bedroom. "What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down the stairs. "Get your ass up here to bed before you wake up the neighbors!" Preet hollered back, "I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs!" "Leave it until the morning!" "I can't," he yelled, "I drank it!"

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of math’s instruction.

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says,

"Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

I can't stand rocking when I'm in here, Cause your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear, So while you sit back and wonder why, I got this fucking thorn in my side, Oh my god, it's a mirage, I'm tellin' all of y'all it's sabotage. Nothing planned, which means everything is unplanned. No plans means it’s going to get messy, especially with so many people swearing off the booze again this weekend. BUT, we’ve heard that one before, haven’t we? What else can I say, except there’s no need. At all. Ever. Catch up with the towering highs, skid row lows, and mediocre middles, right here, right now. Well obviously not right now, but at some stage in the future. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

Scum. A gentle tale about misspent youth in a modern boarding school. When new boys arrive they find it difficult to adapt to their new surroundings. One of them manages to make it to be head boy, despite the competition from his peers, and the sometimes overbearingly strict teachers, others suffer, with personal tragedy, and guilt over tentative sexual encounters. Finishes with the children protesting over the state of the food, and a lecture from the headmaster. A fun packed frolic that all the family could enjoy. (If you happened to be related to Charles Manson)

Disco Pigs. Irish film set in Ireland, with Irish actors. Strange telepathic, homeopathic, psychopathic neighbours born within hours of each other, who cut holes in their walls so they can hold hands at night. Serious alcoholics at the age of 16, they manage at one point to get from Donegal to Cork in an afternoon, so it would appear that as well as being telepathic they also possess teleporters. Lots of random disco scenes, a couple of deaths, and all very strange. Oh, and the main characters are called Pig and Runt. That’s probably where they got the title from.

First the answers from last week, In the Disney cartoons Donald is related to 4 others ducks, Uncle Scrooge, Huey, Duey and Louie. There were a large amount of correct answers this week, and the lucky recipient of the orange sauce is a Miss Daisy Mallard, from Ely, Cambridgeshire.

For this week’s competition, Can you tell me which Caribbean island the group Typically Tropical had a number one hit with in the late seventies. The winner gets a copy of Capricorn 1 on DVD. Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

TOTAL = 10

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 231

In addition to those people plagiarised in plagiarism time, the following have been plagiarised in this week's issue.

Strangely enough the sound recording of Snatch has been quoted and in some places misquoted during the making of this week's issue of Surerandomality. Musical rip offs number three. One, The Beastie Boys - Sabotage, Two, Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now, and Three, Bomb the Bass - Beat Dis.