Everybody get ready for the first ever Surerandomality Mad Night Out, sponsored by Stella Artois and Red Rooster, and a chance to meet A-list Surerandomality stars like Squirrel, G Man and Hopalong, and a fair smattering of B –list stars like Ricky Organ. It’s coming to Manchester on Friday April 25^th, starting time and location have now been finalised. Start time is going to be 8.30, and the starting location is going to be Scubar, with the final destination being 5^th Avenue, strictly Jeans and Trainers, no fucking townie poncy smart shit, cos make no mistake this will get messy. So save your pennies and get your arses to Manchester, other events to be organised for the remainder of the weekend.

Then on Saturday 14^th June, there will be the first ever Chez Didsbury Sports Day, Barbeque, Disco and late night drinking session, so clear your diaries, hone your Frisbee, football and saucepan throwing skills, get your sleeping bags aired and bring plenty of alcohol.

Congratulations to Karen, who won her first blonde of the week title.

Happy Birthday (belatedly) to Vic, who was 26 on Tuesday.

Welcome to this week's letters, and what have you done? Pretty much the same as last week, gone and reacted to events around you, the amount of knee-jerk reactions around here is amazing, or would be if it wasn’t just plain daft.

First up this week is that well known complainer and Austrian hater Kolin Nolting from Manchester, who took offence that there could be anyone from Kaarst, that could be called Kurt Waldheim. "How could that ex nazi, ex Austrian Prime Minister possibly be living in Kaarst?" The only other word I could then make out was Schitzer. Anyway, I don't know, perhaps he likes it there, and it could also be possible that there is more than one Kurt Waldheim in the world.

The Internet issue raised it’s head yet again, some of you just don't get it, probably cos you're not exactly Mr current affairs, but despite me pointing out exactly what the problems have been with the web site twice in last week's issue, and the fact that the site was up and running before the issue hit the stands, Miss Susie Dehead, from Covent Garden, London, wrote, "Why isn't your web site working, I though by now you might have been able to do something about it."

Yet again, let me say I do not need a new solicitor's firm to replace my current bunch of incompetent fucks. I had to laugh at a letter from a Festor Shinetop, from the firm of F. Ree, L. Oading & T. Ossers, from Daventry, Northamptonshire. I'm not going to print it I just had to laugh, and the enclosed photo probably didn't help. All I have to say is just 9 little words. Sit down and shut up, you big bald fuck.

Again there were lots of letters offering condolences for Rex.

There are also of lots of letters in various, as yet unidentified foreign languages, which I haven't had time to look at properly and pick out the one that has the most entertaining look about it.

Rumours are, that the creative writing teacher responsible for the volumous output from Mr Perrin, has found God, and moved to Mozambique to preach the good word. However this major miracle hasn't improved the quality or quantity of the shit emanating from Lincoln Prison. Again this week, over forty pages with just the one phrase. "Not many people are named after a plane." With good fucking reason, who the fuck wants to see themselves called 747?

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week.

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Toni Tenner argues that she was faithful to her husband. It was one of her other 12 personalities, Andrea, that committed adultery, causing the breakup of her marriage. Tenner's suit to increase her alimony payments has made it all the way to the Kentucky Supreme Court. In an earlier ruling, an appeals court judge said that allowing her to prevail would be "more in keeping with the psychobabble prevalent on television talk shows than with sound jurisprudence." Her attorney argues back that "The personality that considered herself married ... had been 100 percent faithful." - Imagine the fun you could have if this is successful? No officer I don’t know why he’s wearing a tea cosy on his head. Ask personality number 7, he’s normally around on Wednesday mornings

Kenneth Dunn died in 1991. His wife, Pat, and his mistress, Jean Cooper, are fighting in a Birmingham, England, court over which one gets to be buried beside him. Dunn had two identical houses -- right down to identical kitchen appliances, wallpaper and dogs named Kim -- one for each woman, spending half his time at each house. According to Pat, Dunn would joke, "If I forget who I'm with, at least I'll get the dog's name right." - At least he wasn’t married to both of them, cos you know what the worst part about bigamy is? Two fucking mother in laws.

Somewhat of an extended week this week, starting with Squirrel, G Man and Hopalong watching the Arsenal Vs Man Unt game, and Hopalong trying to empty the baby. Garden arrived shortly after G Man had gone to bed for an extended temporary stay at Chez Didsbury. (Ricky Organ still in SARS stricken China) Thursday saw Squirrel and Hopalong taking it easy doing not a lot, but with the holidays coming G Man went out with Tessa, Hannah and Russell, for a few quiet drinks in Didsbury, however as is normally the case things got out of hand quite rapidly, XS beckoned and a weed deal followed, which left G Man leaving his neighbours in the early hours, and the door open. Once back in the safe confines of Chez Didsbury he proceeded to look suspiciously at the crutches in the corner (that did have a table cloth on top of them) as if they were another person, before asking Squirrel how many people were in the room, before disappearing off to puke again. Friday saw Hopalong off for the weekend to sunny Swindon, and G Man and Squirrel doing absolutely nothing. Saturday morning saw breakfast in Didsbury with Garden and Dale, before another day of lounging doing nothing, before being persuaded to go out into town. Garden went to her cousin's hen party, while Squirrel and G Man had a few quiet ones in Sinclair's oyster bar, before meeting up with Garden to go to Walkabout. Stella's, VB's, Vodka and Cokes, Wine, and Tequila followed. G Man pulled, but this was somewhat tarnished by repeated clarification of her name, plus on a visit to the bar he tried chatting up the barmaid and the girl stood next to him. Therefore it was of no surprise when she refused his invitation for an assignation in the toilets. She did take his number, after he had to ask Squirrel what it was. The casino (Viva Las Vegas) followed for G Man and Garden, but Squirrel wasn't having any of it and hid behind a telephone box to prevent conscription. Therefore after losing (only £20) G Man and Garden were somewhat surprised to find themselves at home before Squirrel, who had stopped somewhere for food. Sunday brought about a promise of lounging, but no football forced G Man into putting his CD's into alphabetical order (oh, and generally tidying his room), whilst Squirrel went to the Friendship, where he bumped into Becky, and met up with Kate, her house mate Kev, Garden, and Dale. Various other prior arrangements meant that only Squirrel, Kate and Kev were left in the pub at closing time. Monday really did see some serious lounging time and lots of football watching, and the normal attempt at a Sunday night film (yes it was actually Monday, but we're not going to quibble over minor details such as that). Hopalong arrived home, with Mary in tow, and immediately disappeared to his room. Tuesday saw back at work for most, but Becky came round to see Squirrel during the afternoon, and the evening saw G Man and Hopalong meeting straight from work in the Parrs Wood, for a few quiet ones and a few games of pool. Squirrel met them later on, but decided that soft drinks was the sensible option. Garden arrived later on, and before closing time Squirrel and Garden decided it was hometime. However Hopalong and G Man saw going drinking in town as the sensible option, and off they went. Unsurprisingly they found themselves in the casino (Viva Las Vegas), where contrary to their recent form both came up with reasonable wins, G Man £40, and Hopalong somewhere in the region of £2-300, however due to a shoe defect, G Man spent most of the evening walking and talking like a pimp. Wednesday, however they paid for this, and despite getting an early morning call from Squirrel neither of them made it into work. Both went for the two days are more convincing than one route of illnesses and had Thursday off as well with some decidedly spurious excuses. Wednesday night saw everyone watching the masterpiece game of football that was Man Unt Vs Real Madrid. Thursday morning, saw Blondie in demand from Galaxy 102, where after an e mail to them the previous week in response to the "What would you give up to get tickets for Justin Timberlake?" competition their breakfast show was running, had said she would give up her job, led to her being on the air. After giving initial details and agreeing to hand in her notice live on air, she was live on air, telling the boss various, Nicksy prompted, things. First of all demanding four weeks paid holiday immediately. Then onto calling her and orange faced madam. Then a bag, then Saddam Hussein, then the piece de la resistance, "You can stick this job up your arse, Justin Timberlake is more important than you, so stuff your job." It has to be said that her boss played her part quite well being in on the situation. Then after an agonising twenty minute wait, Blondie was back on air to be asked what had happened, to which she replied I've just been sacked, brought about the words Blondie and Karen wanted to hear, "You've just won Justin Timberlake tickets." Cue absolute fucking pandemonium. Basically anything after that was fairly flat. Just one note, the entire recordings of Blondie on air will be available on the web site as soon as possible, at www dot Blondie makes a goon of herself dot com.

After the sad demise of Rex, there have still been a few donations still coming in this week, which have been added to the total, BUT as of Monday any further donations will have to be returned. The grand total for the appeal now stands at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please No more contributions.

The dispersal of the remaining funds is now the major concern. It is only fair to let, you the readers (and contributors) decide which good cause we should donate the remaining funds from the Rex appeal to. I’ve not got round to dealing with this yet this week, but next week I should have sorted out enough suitable candidates for you all to vote on.

Due to public demand, we shall be having a Rex Memorial service in the not too distant future, a time and a place just needs to be sorted, hopefully somewhere central to make it easier for people to attend. We are currently negotiating with 4 outstanding venues for this and hope to finalise in the next couple of days. Just out of interest the venues are Westminster Abbey, Liverpool Cathedral, Checketts Road Kingdom Hall in Leicester, and Trafford Bar Lutheran chapel in Manchester.

Almonds are members of the peach family

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe

The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz

How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in it?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Shoot in your boot (euph).

To be so sexually excited as to ejaculate into the top of one's footwear.

What do Scousers and Sperm have in common? There are hundreds and thousands of the bastards but only one of them work's.

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around

him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause) . . . " The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause) . . . " Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.'' There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.'' So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

Three boys are asked to go to the front of the class and asked if they could be made of one thing apart from flesh and blood what would it be. The first boy says " I would like to be made of gold Miss" "Why is that?" asked the teacher. "Well I could scratch my arm and a bit of gold would fall off and I could buy myself a car!" "Very good." said the teacher The second boy says "I would like to be made of platinum, because its worth more than gold and when I scratch myself I will be able to by 2 cars" "Very good." said the teacher The third boy said "I would like to be made of pubic hair Miss." "And why is that?" the teacher said in surprise......... "Well my sister only has a little bit and you should see the cars outside my house!!!"

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're all dead."

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning." "I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."

So then, what’s the plan? Friday brings the Surerandomality mad night out number one. The starting venue has been established as Scubar, the Surerandomality famous location responsible for Goldfish bowls, Cocktails and Shooters (22 of them on the shooter menu), before weaving off up the road to 5^th Ave, the legendary home of quid a shot vodka and red roosters. Yes mate, with the obligatory few Stella’s along the way, this is going to get messy, very! With some faces out that haven’t been seen in a while, things will get interesting. Rumours of a house warming on the Saturday at one of the neighbours from the old Chez Rusholme also abound. Plus loads of football to watch, and pay day fresh in the memory of lots of people, things could also degenerate rapidly. Which only leaves a visit to the casino (viva Las Vegas) calling for a true return to the pre Christmas form. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

Smoothies, what a great idea, liquefy fruit, add milk and ice, and a cool refreshing drink. Fruit should be a part of everybody’s healthy diet, but the residents of Chez Didsbury are too lazy to muster up the energy to chew fruit therefore they liquefy it and do what they are best qualified for and drink it. They even use semi skimmed milk (despite the fact that it’s not in sync with the human digestion system). The fact that there is more effort involved in peeling, chopping and dicing the fruit to be put in the smoothie maker, and in cleaning the maker and glasses, than in actually chewing fruit, seems to have escaped the residents notice. The only amazing thing is that they haven’t added any alcoholic compounds to the smoothies, but I’m sure that time will tell, and it will turn into a cocktail maker instead.

First the answer from last week. OK, so I’m a sneaky fucking question setter, and last week’s effort was a trick question, in the Catholic Church there are no masses (wording was important, that’s why it was highlighted in bold.) on Good Friday, as it is a day of mourning. There are services held, but no mass. The winner was a Karol Wojtyla from Rome in Italy, who wins a year’s supply of Easter eggs. Just my luck, the postage and packing is going to cost me more than the fucking eggs.

For this week’s competition, what common everyday thing, that everyone uses, in some way or another every single day, is most commonly associated with the number 26? Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels.

TOTAL = 20

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 329