The next major event has been confirmed for Friday 6^th June, for the second Surerandomality night out. Starting point and itinerary have been tentively arranged and details can be found in the introduction.

After that we move on to Saturday 14^th June, and it is the first ever Chez Didsbury Sports Day, Barbeque, Disco and late night drinking session, so clear your diaries, hone your Frisbee, football and saucepan throwing skills, get your sleeping bags aired and bring plenty of alcohol.

Congratulations to Karen, who managed the virtually impossible and wrested the Blonde of the week title from Blondie’s grasp.

Welcome to this week's letters, and, thankfully, most of you loonies out there have managed to return to normal, and your letters and e-mails actually seem to make some sense this week, but there again there’s a first time for everything. Anyway speaking about e-mails, could everybody stop sending anything that has either a red background or writing on, as it’s very hard to read on my monitor at the moment, because it’s still suffering a pink hue from it’s little excursion across the office floor last week. Speaking of the office floor, my PA, Kimberley, has come into work every day this week, and just laid on the floor. She claim’s that this is because I don’t pay her enough to be able to eat properly and therefore she hasn’t got enough energy to get off the floor. Mind you she can afford new clothes everyday, so I did suggest that she bought food instead of clothes, as that way she would have energy, and it wouldn’t bother me at all if she came to work naked.

First up this week, is a Mrs Patricia Mace, from Washington, Tyne & Wear, who writes, "Are you the A & R man for this Electric Six group or whatever they are? Last week you featured a review of their new video, and this is the second time you’ve reviewed one of their videos. This despite the fact that in nearly 30 issues, you’ve only reviewed four music videos, I know, I’ve counted them. Therefore fifty percent of your music video reviews have been of Electric Six, which is a scandalous amount. This kind of bias smells of money changing hands." Right then Mrs Mace, it’s obvious from the start of your letter that you’re not exactly mrs current affairs, as I’m pretty sure that you meant PR and not A & R. That aside, your view has no basis in fact. All reviews are done on a random basis of what catches my eye during the preceding week, if there is nothing memorable, then I pick something that I’ve seen a lot. As for money changing hands, I’ve got just two words to say on the subject, I Wish!

I had quite a few letters from various places on the topic of the Surerandomality night out, and all in all they were three to one in favour of my choice of destination. I will not be discussing this any further, so that’s it, period, end of story.

After Mr. Dewhurst’s letter last week, which accused me of fixing the fantasy football, I’ve had a number of letters, both in support of his views, and in support of myself. Mr Christophe Richards, also from Manchester, wrote, "I’m fully in support of Mr Dewhurst, in believing that the fantasy football league is fixed. It’s been obvious from the early days that there is an obvious bias against The Cherokee Hair Tampons, and it’s clear that every effort is being made to keep them off the top. I reckon that a full audit should be made, to prove that it is fixed." On the other side of the coin, Miss Delia Barton, from Sandown, Isle of Wight, writes, "I’m quite sure that it is not possible that the lovely Surerandomality editor is fixing the fantasy football, as I’m sure that if he was then he would be miles in the lead by now, and not worrying about the last couple of matches." Exactly.

Mrs Jane Erskine, from Castle Donnington, Derbyshire, writes, "I am quite disgusted at the choice of charities that we’ve been left with for the dispersal of funds from the Rex appeal. All of them seem to be poking fun at the demise of poor old Rex, and I’m quite sure that none of them are real charities." Fucking hell woman, who took the jam out of your doughnut? For your information all of the five charities listed fall within the confines of The Charities Act 1993, with the exception of The Golfers with Alzheimer’s Hospice, which is exempt under Section 2 of the Act. If you have any doubts then I suggest you write to the Charities Commission at Harmsworth House 13-15 Bouverie Street London EC4Y 8DP to get confirmation

Mr Perrin, it has to be said that I do fear for your mental health, and dread to think what you’re going to be like by the time you get of Lincoln prison in a couple of months time. Just for the record, I don’t think a new creative writing teacher would be of any help, a psycho analyst would be a far better use of tax payers funds, and might make the streets of Hunstanton a safer place for all concerned upon your release. Furthermore I really don’t want to know about the fact that there’s a gun in Tommy’s trousers.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week.

A couple of items that have caught my eye this week.

Nathan Osburn, 26, traveled to Hampton, Va., to attend a funeral. He checked into the Quality Inn, and had a hard time sleeping. The next morning he noticed "little black things crawling all over me," he says, and looked in the bed to find it crawling with crab lice. Osburn has sued the hotel, arguing that it had a duty to provide clean rooms. In court filings, the hotel responded that there is no "implied warranty" that its hotel rooms are "fit for human habitation, would be clean and sanitary, and would be suitable for occupancy." - For some reason, I’m not quite sure why, the words drop inn spring to mind.

Employees at a video store in Annapolis, Md., had to hold back laughter when an intruder brandished a gun and announced a holdup. The 70-pound, 4-foot-tall bandit was 7 years old, and was still there when police arrived. Still unsure whether the gun was real, an officer wrestled it away without hurting the lad. The boy admitted he was trying to rob the store, and was charged with attempted robbery. He was still at the store when police arrived because he had forgotten to demand any money. "He didn't quite have it down pat," the store's manager said. - Rumours, that the kid’s punishment is a scally training course in Manchester are, as yet unfounded.

It would appear that there are grown adults (well perhaps that’s stretching a point a bit, I am talking about the residents of Chez Didsbury) who really shouldn’t be allowed out without qualified supervision. It has to be said that the portents of disaster were in evidence from an early stage on Friday. Squirrel was supposed to be meeting up with other residents in town straight from a late finish at work, and with Kate, was going to be starting on the wine early. Needless to say things weren’t going to plan elsewhere. G Man had sloped off early from work again, and had persuaded Hopalong to meet him for a quiet drink in the Parrswood. It does need to be pointed out, that there has never previously been a quiet drink at the Parrswood, and tonight wasn’t going to be an exception. Squirrel and Kate, met Kev and Buster in Athenaeum (or however the fucking place is spelt), and then moved onto the Sawyers Arms. Kev had to puke, and went home (after two abortive bus journeys and a long walk) with Kate. Squirrel meanwhile decided that XS hadn’t been visited for quite a while and off he went. Once there he bumped into Becky, Wes and Emily, and found that G Man and Hopalong had actually moved from the Parrswood after Karaoke, and a mini lock in. After more mad Out of Space dancing by Squirrel and G Man, G Man and Hopalong headed to the casino (Viva Las Vegas) again. Everybody wandered off, leaving Squirrel by himself by chucking out time. After food he got home about 3 and crashed out, G Man got home just after 4, after losses of £100, and a failure to get Hopalong to leave the casino (Viva Las Vegas), despite the fact that he was £400 up. Squirrel got up just before 8 on Saturday morning, to find Hopalong just coming back in. He had left the casino (Viva Las Vegas) at closing time £300 pounds down, despite being level quarter of an hour before. On his way home he decided it was a good idea to go and dump Mary.

G Man and Hopalong started early on Saturday, by going for food, and ending up in the Clock Tower all day. Squirrel met Kate in the Friendship, but Kate had been drinking Whiskey since the morning, and was somewhat worse for wear. Wes and Emily arrived to watch Wolves. At half time Kate had to go home, and after the match, Emily went off to a party with friends. Ricky Organ was off roller skating with the Cheshire set with Jayne and Martin. Squirrel and Wes went to Squirrels with the intention of playing pool, but with no free tables had a few pints and moved onto the Orange Grove, where they eventually played some pool and had some more pints. On the bus journey to Jabez, Squirrel attempted to chat some random female up with little success. Meanwhile G Man and Hopalong were queuing to get into Tiger Tiger, but were getting bored, so walked up to the VIP entrance and confidently walked in, claiming they were with the girls in front. This being despite the fact they were in shorts, trainers and t-shirts. Ricky Organ, Jayne, Martin and the Cheshire set had more difficulties getting in, despite being suitably dressed, and were somewhat amazed to find G Man and Hopalong drinking champagne at the bar in the VIP area. In Jabez things were getting cloudy, and not long after Emily and her friends turned up (though it could have been ages), Squirrel headed off for food, and went for a curry. Once there he continued in the theme of the evening by trying to chat the 2 women on the next table up, and failing miserably. The mystical beer scooter then took him home. Meanwhile Hopalong was having a similarly unsuccessful time at Tiger Tiger, after losing G Man to another mystical beer scooter, he left at closing time and after trying to find his way home, and ending up at Victoria, decided the only way for him to get to Piccadilly Gardens would be to follow the Tram lines.

Sunday saw all the residents of Chez Didsbury, watching the final games of the premiership, before Hopalong left to go and repair things with Mary. The evening saw the normal mix of smoothies and DVD’s before the back to work slog. Monday saw Hopalong off to Bracknell for a four day course, and Squirrel off to Squirrel’s to pick up the stuff he’d left there on Saturday. Back at Chez Didsbury it was DVD time again. Tuesday and Wednesday saw the usual lounging and watching football. Thursday saw Hopalong returning, and a planned excursion out by Squirrel and G Man, to meet the girls whose party they’d missed on the previous Friday. Whatever happened was too late for the deadline for this issue, but it’s worth remembering that the last time this pairing went out on a Thursday night, it got very messy.

The grand total for the appeal now stands at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please No more contributions, as some of the less intelligent of you out there may have found out by now, they will be returned.

The dispersal of the remaining funds is now the major concern. It is only fair to let, you the readers (and contributors) decide which good cause we should donate the remaining funds from the Rex appeal to. I have narrowed the list down to five suitable candidates, and over the next couple of weeks, I shall be letting the dedicated fans of Rex, and the general public vote on where the funds should be sent to. The five candidates are, 1. The royal society for the prevention of damage to natural water hazards on golf courses. 2. The golf ball historical society. 3. The international museum of green rollers. 4. The golfers with Alzheimer's hospice, and 5. The Mango protection alliance. The votes have started to come flooding in this week, and each of the five choices have the following votes respectively; 23, 61, 19, 41, 52. I’ve decided to let the votes come in until the end of May, (i.e. you’ve got two more weeks), and to then give the final results in the first issue in June, just before the second Surerandomality night out.

Remember that the time, date and location has been sorted for the Rex Memorial service. It's going to be held on Sunday, 29^th June 2003, and it's going to be held at the Checketts Road Kingdom Hall in Leicester. If those of you interested in coming, that need directions, you can e-mail the Surerandomality offices, but the chance of a speedy reply is spurious, not genuine and worth fac all. The best thing to do would be to go to streepmap.co.uk and put a search in on that. A word of warning, get there early, as parking can be a right facing nightmare on a Sunday afternoon, as all the local pensioners are already parked all around, while they attend the next door Working's Men Club, for their traditional Sunday afternoon whist drive. Nearly forgot, the time will be 4.30pm.

Twenty minutes later, virtually down to the last second, just as promised by the captain, the plane changed direction and began its descent, and the turbulence stopped almost immediately. He had spent most of the last twenty minutes with his eyes closed, knowing that if he’d kept them open, the vibration effect on his vision would have made him feel quite ill. He glanced to his right and saw the head honcho of the hijackers come out of the cockpit, looking decidedly happier than he was before the captain had made his announcement. As if he could feel himself being looked at he turned and walked over.

"I trust you are well rested, if only I could have had such a relaxing journey as you seem to have had. Well without the bindings, of course."

"Oh no, these ropes are really comfortable, and they help with my tendency to fidget. If only all such journeys were so restrictive, I could save myself the money and travel in the economy seats." He replied, with only the faintest hint of sarcasm.

The hijacker shook his head slightly, with a wry smile on his face, and said "I could have made things a lot more uncomfortable for you, and lesser men than myself may have had you shot."

He surprised himself by laughing again before replying, "Yeah, my journey could have been more uncomfortable, I could have been stood up for two and a half thousand miles like yourself. As for shooting me, I’m quite sure you’re not an idiot. Mad perhaps, but not an idiot, and although the only help I’ve seen doesn’t appear to be the sharpest tool in the box, I’m quite sure that they’re all under strict instructions not to shoot anyone unless it’s a real emergency. I mean who knows where the bullet might end up, it could end up puncturing the fuselage, and then we’d all be proper fucked, yourself included."

Head honcho’s face didn’t crack, and through what seemed to be unmoving lips, hissed, "I am not mad, or anything close to it, and it is probably a good job for your sake that I’m not, as you continue to try my patience, but rest assured if you continue to do so when we are on the ground then I may not look on you in such a favourable light. Do not push me, you are in no position to push me, and continued pushing may well end up being bad for your health. With regards to "my help" as you put it, they are all trained shots, a couple of them, including the one you think so highly of, are of Olympic standard, and therefore they wouldn’t miss. Furthermore, all the guns are loaded with specially designed ammunition, that will go through simple flesh quite easily, but will disintegrate upon contact with a more solid surface."

"Bully for you", came the automatic reply, and he immediately thought that it probably wasn’t the greatest idea.

The hijacker lifted his gun and pressed it against the side of his head, and whispered, "I could pull this trigger and from this range you’d have little chance of survival, so do yourself a favour, and think before you say anything else, as if you push me any further, they could be your last words." With that he removed the gun, and walked off to speak to his lackey in the first class compartment.

As the hijacker walked off, the passenger who sat behind him, leant forward, and in a whisper that was full of undisguised panic. "Why can’t you be quiet, do you want to get us all killed? It’s all very well for you to have a death wish, but don’t wish it on every one else as well."

He was too tired to think of anything else, and somewhat wearily replied, "Fuck off!"

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If love is grand, then divorce is a hundred grand

Beeriod (n).

Weekly malady suffered by men after a night on the pop. Symptons include headache, moodiness and a bloated stomach. "Leave me alone, woman, my beeriod started this morning."

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second. "I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."

A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's, that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life?" She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold."

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence, " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up!"

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery." He got the apartment.

A man goes to see his rabbi about a problem he is having. "Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." says the man. "What's the matter?" asks the rabbi, sensing that there is a serious problem. "My wife is poisoning me!" exclaims the man. Stunned, the rabbi asks, "How can that be?" "I'm telling you that I'm certain that she's poisoning me." replies the man. The rabbi puts his hand on the man to comfort him and says, "Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man. "Well I spoke to your wife. I called her on the phone and spoke to her for four hours. Would you like my advice?" "Yes, please." requests the man. The rabbi pauses then says, "Take the poison."

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people."

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with body problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's mooch batter, how mooch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

G Man has the day off work again on the Friday (and Squirrel has agreed to go drinking again with him on Thursday night, and then go to work – is he fucking nuts), this time to travel up to Glasgow for the weekend. Squirrel is trying to take it easy and not go out on the Friday night, saving his energy (and his meagre funds) for an all dayer on Saturday, which of course is FA Cup final day, and a very early start, in order to get a decent seat, is going to be in order. This will only mean one thing, and that is that things will get messy. Sunday should be a day of relaxation, and film watching. But a quiet couple of weeks is what’s needed to recharge the batteries before a mentalist June. So take it easy out there, and to repeat the warning from a couple of weeks ago, be on the lookout for mischievous squirrels. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random reviews

Happy Gilmore. One of Adam Sandler’s early outings, is an excuse to take your brain out for an hour and a half, and just laugh at all kinds of mindless shit. Basically a shit ice hockey wannabe, finds out that by taking a run up and swinging at a golf ball he can launch the ball in excess of 400 yards. Along the way he manages to knock out random people, get in fights with his initial caddy, fans, other golfers, and a game show host, hire a tramp as a caddy, get a cult following, piss the golfing establishment off, get free subway for life (can you imagine the damage you could do with one of those cards), kill an alligator, and his golf coach (indirectly), saves his grandma from a lifetime of quilt making, get the girl, and win the tour championship. Lots of really ridiculous scenes, which throw away the realms of reality, but who cares, it’s all good fun. Just one thing to remember though, The price is wrong bitch.

First the answer from last week. OK then pay attention, this could get messy unless you stay as Mr Current Affairs. A Perfect number is one where all the number’s factors, with the exception of itself add up to make the number. Another example of this would be 6. A triangle number is one that you get as a result of adding up consecutive numbers, in this case 1+ 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 = 28. Other examples would be 3, 6, 10, 15, 21, 36 etc. This week’s winner of a safety triangle reflector is a Mr Magnus Pike, from Douglas, on the Isle of Man.

For this week’s competition, something quite simple in comparison, all I want to know this week is which aircraft company manufactures the B29 Superfortress? Send the entries to the normal addresses through the normal channels. First out of the hat next Wednesday wins the Escape from Colditz board game.

TOTAL = 14

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 380