Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after using them.

A guy goes into work hung over as hell. His buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!" His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!

This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS

A couple of stories that have caught my eye this week

Two unidentified boys, aged 15 and 16, were trying to show each other how brave they were, say police in Elgin, Illinois. The boys were putting gasoline on their underpants and lighting it on fire, then smothering the flames. "They continued to do this for three rounds," said a police spokesman. After that, "the shorts were drenched in so much gasoline that they were unable to extinguish it anymore." The 16-year-old was treated for burns, but won't be charged with any crime, police say. "Each one of them participated by their own free will. Being totally stupid is not a crime." - True, but there are indications that it should be. Definitely not a game for playing at home.

William Dean Sullivan, 36, of Nanaimo, B.C., Canada, apparently wanted to go on a cruise. He allegedly tried to stow away on a ship as it left Vancouver -- by bungee jumping off the Lions Gate Bridge as it passed underneath. Apparently figuring he could drop down after settling just above the deck, Sullivan instead slapped into the ship's tennis court, and then bounced back up. As he stretched out the cord again, the railing at the stern hit him as it went by. He was left hanging from the bridge, and then rappelled into the water where he was picked up by a passing boat. "There were shrieks of horror from down below," said a witness on the bridge. "I guess the people saw him coming, you know, on the ship. I guess he missed." Sullivan was charged with mischief after being treated for minor head injuries. - There again, it looks like being totally stupid is considered a crime in Canada, but I suppose if it was in the US then they’d all be guilty.

FILM REVIEWS

Again, just the one this week.

Tank Girl – Set in the future where water is the most valuable commodity on earth, this visually stunning extravaganza is a roller coaster ride of fun, drama action and emotion. Starring Lori Petty at the eponymous hero, and with a great ensemble-supporting cast, including Ice T as a half pig half man creation called a ripper; it is based on the highly successful comic book hero of the same name. The hero’s brave outlook when faced with such adversity, and the ability to deliver such brilliant witticisms during times of peril, will have you cheering and smiling at the same time, definitely one of those films to watch when you get back from the pub. I just hope you have more success reaching the end without falling asleep than I do. 4/5

COMPETITION TIME

First of all last weeks answer and winner. The answer was Arbroath beat Bon Accord 36-0; the winner was Mr Chris Healey, who by strange co-incidence is the Chairman of Leigh RMI and the person who had offered the prize up. Well at least he’ll save himself a few bob.

This week’s competition is a little bit different, in the old tradition of John Loudon Macadam; I want readers to see what is the largest piece of gravel they can fit into their mouths. Then send the piece of gravel in with photographic evidence of you being able to fit it into your mouth. The person who sends the largest verified piece of gravel in by next Thursday (an extra day being given to allow for photos to be developed) get an all expenses trip for themselves to see the very first Macadamised road built in the USA at Boonsboro, Maryland.

STORY TIME

My rest time is shattered, as here comes Walter, my dull witted, boring throwback of an owner. For the uninitiated my name is Karlidow Roodle, however as a whippet I can’t communicate this name to my human owner, and I am wittily called speedy. God how original, I bet I’m the first ever whippet to be called that.

I live a fairly peaceful existence most of the time, this however is shattered when Walter comes back early at the end of his week, and insists on dragging me out on that stupid chain. For the rest of the time I don’t see him as he works 23 hours a day during the week and then buggers off to his allotment at weekends, he used to drag me there as well, but I soon put paid to that little caper. He don’t like his runner beans been nibbled (though they taste terrible) and he especially doesn’t like me relieving myself on them, after a few visits during which I caused chaos, he decided that he wouldn’t take me there. During this peaceful time away from him I wander round the house and yard, being looked after by Walter’s partner Flossie. Well I think her name is Flossie, as I’m sure this is how she refers to herself, but I do get somewhat confused as Walter always calls her Stupidcow, which is a strange name, perhaps she has two names, but I definitely prefer Flossie.

Here he comes with the lead; he’s put that ancient moth bitten cardigan on again, which I swear is older than me, and that damn silly flat cap. Shit, why can’t he take a hint, I don’t want to go anywhere, that’s why I’m not on my feet, but instead I’m sliding across the kitchen floor on my hindquarters, best get on my feet before I reach the door as I don’t fancy being scraped along the concrete outside.

Now I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I shout? Do you seriously think I’ve not tried, damn, I’ve yelled til my throat is as raw as those nice steak bits Flossie gets me, does this moron Walter understand, in fact if I didn’t know better I’d swear he deliberately misinterprets what I say. Me shouting “I DON’T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE” comes back as, “calm down, don’t get excited we’re only going for a walk”. I now try the hide when I know he’s due trick, however I’ve not been myself recently and was dozing when the moron arrived, and couldn’t make my escape.

What a surprise, into the stinking shop. Off he goes to get that foul tasting liquid he drinks, I don’t know why he does it, I saw him drop some once, and it looked just like my piss, didn’t smell far off either. Oh and that strange stuff he puts in paper and sets fire to and then hangs out of his mouth, that makes even less sense than the drink, why would anyone try to set fire to their mouths, especially when it smells worse than his drink. Why when he has to drag me up here does he never get me anything? Does he think I’m here for his amusement?

Oh no, not to that bleeding field again, here we go, the moron is about to give his normal words of wisdom “Go on then speedy, show us your speed, run around, and see if you can’t bite a couple of those little bastards for me. I’ll be here watching the girls.”

Look you fucking dick, just cos I’m a whippet and supposed to be fast doesn’t mean that I want to run around, and while I’m at it, why the hell would I want to bite any little kids for? What have they done to me, if I’m gonna bite anyone, I think you’d be favourite. Besides have you seen the state of the dirty little so and so’s, I’m likely to fleas or summit off ‘em if I go anywhere near them. Sod that, I’ll wander off behind those trees and have a bit of a rest, and come back later. Well, I’ll find you when you’ve been chased off by the girls’ leader.

I wish there were some female canines around here, whippets would be ideal, but I’m not in the situation to be choosy, in fact I don’t care if it’s a Poodle or a Great Dane, I just want some action, but this must be the only field in the history of dogkind not to have any other female canines come to it ever. In fact the only canine I’ve ever seen here was a male Mastiff, and I wasn’t going anywhere near that.

Oh hark, the moron beckons, time to go home, and I bet that sod goes off to play with those fucking winged vermin of his. He’ll have lots of seed and bread for them won’t he, just let him leave that door open once, and I’ll put paid to those damn pigeons for once and for all, but once home and he’s off with them I can slope off and hide and not have to see him for another week.

Hmmm Peace at last.

RANDOM FACTS

The title Mayor of Leicester dates back to 1209, and was made in to the post of Lord Mayor in 1927, and to date there have been more mayors called William (86) than any other name.

In cricket an appeal for a catch or LBW decision has to made immediately following the ball has been bowled and played at. This was not always the case, and the law was changed following this incident. In 1879 during a game the last ball of the day hit the pads of the batsman, and no appeal was made, over supper that evening the batsman remarked to WG Grace (one of the opponents) that the ball had hit him on the pads and he was stood directly in front of the stumps. As soon as the next morning’s play started WG Grace shouted “Howzat” and the batsman was given out.

The way roads are built and laid today is based on the principle set down by John Loudon Macadam in 1816. The camber of the road was added to allow draining, and the stones used for the 3 layers had to be broken into a certain size. This was originally done by testing whether the stone could fit in the labourer’s mouth, if it couldn’t it was too big, this was until one day whilst inspecting the surface John noticed a number of extremely large rocks on the surface, when he asked why they were there, he was pointed to an extremely large labourer who in turn opened a large toothless mouth and proceeded to fit some large rocks in it. From this point on, a 2 inch ring was provided to test the size of rocks. This way of making roads is still used though somewhat refined and is known as the macadamised system.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

With last weeks shenanigans sorted, I am able to bring you the table this week in all it’s glory, also attached are a full list of transfers that went through and that took effect from November 1^st. The table shows the current position after deductions for cheating and telling tales have been made.

Table

Transfers

READER’S LETTERS

The post bag has been spilling over again this week, and the response to the Save the Golf Ball Appeal has been phenomenal, with the grand total currently standing at £27.81, 2 second class stamps and a Luncheon Voucher, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in. On the subject of the Golf Ball appeal Mr. Par Seagle from Trondheim, Norway writes, “I have done extensive research into Golf Courses in the UK, and can tell you that there are only 233 that feature a water hazard on or near the first hole. Hoping this helps reduce the search for the poor golf ball”.

In response to comments in the fantasy football section of last week’s issue a Mark Gill of Manchester writes “I must take issue with your report on the illegal transfer involving my team, I can categorically deny that I am Russian.” Point taken, however I notice that you’re not denying that you’re fucking sneaky.

Mr Perrin of Hunstanton writes again, “I don’t believe that I’ve missed one, I think you’re making it up, I demand you take me off this fucking mailing list, and stop lying to me, after a further 35 hours research I can find no additional Earl of Leicester, one doesn’t exist. If you don’t remove me from this trash then I will find out where you are and bomb your building”. Well, what can I say? Except you’re not exactly Mr current affairs are you Mr Perrin? You are missing an earl (as well as a few screws), go to Leicester and pick up any of a number of local history books and it will give you the answer, secondly the address is at the bottom of each issue so it not exactly difficult to find is it? So if you want to send your letter bomb there, then fair enough.

AND FINALLY

After failing miserably to make it either to Scubar or for a curry as planned last weekend, this weekend holds little hope for doing either. It’s G Man’s birthday this weekend, and a weekend with visitors loafing at our house again would seem to be on the cards. It might be an idea to actually get some sleep Friday afternoon for a change. Saturday night brings about a visit to the casino, which is not promising, with Hop “I’ve got a problem with Fruit machines” Along and Squirrel “Bet on 10 high”, it’s gonna be a case of Viva Las Vegas, and it will get messy, with me walking home carrying coins and notes with that are worth… Fac all. Sunday would be good for recuperation and recounting of tall tales from the weekend, but Rusholme for Sunday afternoon all you can eat curry buffet, also sounds a tip top idea. See y’all next week.

To unsubscribe from surerandomality then please send an e-mail to surerandomality@hotmail.com naming all the Earl’s of Leicester and I’ll think about it. If you wish to make contributions to surerandomality then send them to the same address. Births, Marriages, Deaths and other important messages also considered. If you know someone who deserves to receive this shit then let me know. If you would like to receive back copies of surerandomality (hurry as stocks are running out) then please send a cheque or postal order for £5 per issue ordered made payable to Surerandomality UK to the following address Surerandomality UK, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP. If you wish to donate to the save the golf ball appeal then please send donations to the same address, but made payable to Surerandomality Golf Ball Appeal. Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

TOTAL = 7

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 17

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