The next major event has been confirmed for Friday 6^th June, for the second Surerandomality night out. Starting point and itinerary have been tentively arranged and details can be found in the introduction.

After that we move on to Saturday 14^th June, and it is the first ever Chez Didsbury Sports Day, Barbeque, Disco and late night drinking session, so clear your diaries, hone your Frisbee, football and saucepan throwing skills, get your sleeping bags aired and bring plenty of alcohol.

Congratulations to Kate, who managed to win the blonde of the week award.

Congratulations as well to Wes, who finished 3^rd overall in the sun fantasy football, and who will find himself £10k better off when they eventually get round to sending him the money.

A reward is being offered to find the f@cking b1tch that nicked Squirrel’s legendary sunglasses. If anyone has any information then let me know or ring the Squirrel hotline.

So many letters and e-mails in this week, and so little time to read them, and I’m sure that someone out there has sent in something worth reading, but I’ve not got round to finding it yet, and my hired help have been their normal useless selves. God know what the fuck I’m paying them for. (Well, I do suppose that Kimberley is easy on the eye, but she can make it hard to concentrate) As for getting a translator, I’ve given that one up as a bad idea, as no one seems to, 1. want to do it, or 2. be capable of doing it. In fact most of the people I’ve asked seem to struggle with English, let alone letting them loose on another language.

It would appear that there are a few wags out there, who have picked up on the sponsorship idea mentioned by one of our readers last week and have sent in some suggestions for products that could sponsor Surerandomality. Granted there are some funny ones, but it does need pointing out that I make the jokes around here. Andrex, Immodium, Butcher’s Tripe, Mogadon, and Addis have all been mentioned, plus the suggestion that the group Garbage could sponsor an issue. It’s always good to know just what our readership thinks of us.

A Mr. Colin Coldcut, from Ely, Cambridgeshire, writes asking, "Why are we voting on where the funds from the Rex appeal are going? Surely they should just be passed on to his next of kin." What? It does worry me sometimes, just how mental some of the readership are. How the fuck is a golf ball going to have any next of kin?

Gong back to the archives I’ve pulled out the following two foreign correspondence letters. The first is from a Miss Conchita Martinez, from Santander, in Northern Spain, who writes, "Ahora, dicks tiene la campaña y la claridad de la visión, pero ellos no son hábiles. Ellos huelen coño y ellos quieren un pedazo de la acción. Y usted lo pensó olió algún coño viejo bueno, y ha traído sus dos pelotas pequeñas de haz de leña de mincey por por un tiempo viejo bueno. Pero usted ha obtenido sus partidos mutilados arriba. No haya ningún coño aquí, apenas una dosis que lo hará desea que usted nazca a una mujer. Como un pincha, usted tiene las dudas. Usted se encoge, y sus dos pelotas pequeñas se encogen con ya. El hecho que usted ha obtenido "Copia" anotó el lado de su fusil. (Retira su fusil) Y el hecho que he obtenido "Aguila de Desierto señala cinco O" escrito en el lado mío, debe precipitar sus pelotas a encoger, junto con su presencia. Ahora.. ¡Joda lejos!" Now I’m sure that that makes lots of sense.

The second is from a Mr Jan-Dahl Rekdal, from Hammerfesto, Norway, who writes, "Og da De fått Deres seks stykker, De gotta blir kvitt dem, fordi det er ingen godt som forlater det i det dype fryser for Deres mum oppdage, nå er det? Da hører I at den beste tingen gjør er føde dem til plugger. De fått sulte pluggene for et par dager, da sikten av en hogd opp kropp ser ut som curry til en pisshead. De gotta barberer hodene av Deres offre, og drag teeth ut for skylden av piggies' digestion. De gjør dette etterpå, selvfølgelig, men De drar ikke sievin' gjennom pluggdritt, nå gjør De? De drar gjennom bein som smør. De trenger minst seksten plugger avslutte jobben i en bordsetning, er det også forsiktig av noe mann som beholder en pluggfarm. De drar gjennom en kropp som veier 200 pund i ca åtte minutter. Det betyr at en enkel plugg fortærer to pund uncooked flesk hver minutt. Derfor uttrykket, "så grådig som en plugg." Yet again, I’m sure this makes perfect sense to someone, just not to me, I have to ask, did you understand a single word of what he’s just said?

Mr Perrin, I can’t be arsed with your shit this week. Over two hundred pages worth, you are mad. If I wanted to read that much I’d buy a book. I will tell you what does puzzle me, how when you’re in prison, are you able to afford the paper and postage every week?

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

The county of Multnomah, Ore., has put out a notice that it intends to hire a part-time language interpreter who speaks Klingon, the fictional -- but grammatically constructed -- language from "Star Trek". The request came from the county's Department of Human Services, which has 60,000 mental health clients. "I questioned [the request] myself when it first came in," said county purchasing administrator Franna Hathaway, but she was assured the request was real. "There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak." - Did you understand a single word of what that klingon just said?

Microsoft has unveiled its newest innovation: the iLoo. The self-contained port-a-potty includes a waterproof keyboard and screen so that a seated ...um... user can get on the Internet. Possible add-ons include a keyboard and screen outside the door, so the first person in the queue will have something to do while waiting. The company also says it is also in talks with toilet-paper manufacturers to get special rolls printed with addresses of interesting web sites. "The Internet's so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on the loo was the next natural step," said marketing manager Tracy Blacher. "It's exciting to think that the smallest room can now be the gateway to the massive virtual world." - Sounds like a shit idea, you’d have to be potty to want to use the internet and have a dump at the same time.

A quiet weekend would be somewhat of an understatement. Friday saw G Man join Hopalong, Mary and one of her mates to see the Matrix Reloaded, in the mean time Squirrel started his weekend long sit in at Chez Didsbury, and started watching DVD’s. After the film G Man returned to Chez Didsbury and Hopalong went to Mary’s. Meanwhile Kate had gone drinking straight from work, and ended up at a Morrissey night at the Star and garter, where she ended up snogging some random bloke. Upon leaving in the early hours and a lot worse for wear, she rang Squirrel. An hour and a half later she finally managed to get into a taxi after wandering round aimlessly, with no idea where she was most of the time. During this time she was warned off by a prostitute who thought she was trying to muscle in on her patch, and was asked how much she charged by a random bloke passing by. She obviously must have had the look of a tart about her.

Saturday saw very little motion at Chez Didsbury, with the watching of football and films. Hopalong went out with Mary and one of her childhood friends, and was subjected to an interview style evening. Sunday was much the same, with the tedium being broken up by the return of Ricky Organ from Prague, armed with a bottle of potential messiness called Absinth. Monday saw virtually no motion again, just more football and films. Tuesday night saw Squirrel and Hopalong drinking at Chez Didsbury straight from work, and failing in their attempts to get G Man to join in, as he was claiming that with a job interview the next morning and a shopping trip with Mummy G, there was no way he could have faced the day with a hangover. A taxi to 5^th Ave brought about the shock of a lifetime, it was closed. As it would seem was most of town. Squirrel and Hopalong wandered up to Springbok for a few swift drinks, before going to Brannigans, for some expensive ones. It would seem that with the impending Champions League final, most of the people in town were Italians. On Brannigan’s closure at 1 they wandered out to see where else was open, and were asked by an Italian where else was open to which Hopalong tactfully replied, "Dunno, everywhere seems to be closed, it must be because of all the foreigners." They did however manage to find somewhere else open – Teasers, where more expensive drinks were purchased. After leaving they got a bus back to Didsbury, where a dangerous precedent was set by them going into the open all hours tesco, before arriving back at Chez Didsbury to carry on drinking.

Wednesday night saw Ricky Organ off on his travels again, this time to Chicago. Meanwhile the remaining residents cabbaged in front of the telly to watch the somewhat tedious Champions League final. Elsewhere Seeks was in the process of getting quite a shock. Entrusted with the task of keeping an eye on his dad’s house whilst he was on holiday, he made a visit, and thought that the place had been burgled, due to the large amount of smashed ornaments and mess around the house. He did however find the culprit and found there had been no burglary. In his previous flying visit, he had failed to notice that a crow had sneaked in, and he had locked the crow in the house. The crow was found dead at the top of the stairs, but had managed to find the strength before death to shit on the beds. Thursday saw Squirrel and Kate going out straight from work to meet Naomi, but details from that aren’t in yet, but it definitely had the potential to get messy.

The grand total for the appeal finally stands at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please No more contributions, as some of the less intelligent of you out there may have found out by now, they will be returned.

The dispersal of the remaining funds is now the major concern. It is only fair to let, you the readers (and contributors) decide which good cause we should donate the remaining funds from the Rex appeal to. I have narrowed the list down to five suitable candidates, and over the next couple of weeks, I shall be letting the dedicated fans of Rex, and the general public vote on where the funds should be sent to. The five candidates are, 1. The royal society for the prevention of damage to natural water hazards on golf courses. 2. The golf ball historical society. 3. The international museum of green rollers. 4. The golfers with Alzheimer's hospice, and 5. The Mango protection alliance. The votes have been flooding in this week, and each of the five choices have the following votes respectively; 78, 122, 59, 99, 131. I’ve decided to let the votes come in until the end of May, (i.e. you’ve got two more weeks), and to then give the final results in the first issue in June, just before the second Surerandomality night out.

Remember that the time, date and location has been sorted for the Rex Memorial service. It's going to be held on Sunday, 29^th June 2003, and it's going to be held at the Checketts Road Kingdom Hall in Leicester. If those of you interested in coming, that need directions, you can e-mail the Surerandomality offices, but the chance of a speedy reply is spurious, not genuine and worth fac all. The best thing to do would be to go to streepmap.co.uk and put a search in on that. A word of warning, get there early, as parking can be a right facing nightmare on a Sunday afternoon, as all the local pensioners are already parked all around, while they attend the next door Working's Men Club, for their traditional Sunday afternoon whist drive. Nearly forgot, the time will be 4.30pm.

An adult dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Bugner’s Eye (n).

Flapless female genitalia, resembling Joe Bugner's closed-up eye in any fight he's ever had.

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you . . . "

There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands." The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on ours!!!"

A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion. The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered." The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers." Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution." The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women. The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down." "Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!"

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. "Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Wonderful," said the psychiatrist. "Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people." "Definitely," said the psychiatrist. "Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books

on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution." "Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they have requested an audience, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack, and the Pope says," Dopey my son, what may I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and says, "No Dopey there are no Dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling and Dopey turns and gives them a glare to silence them. Dopey turns back, "Your worship are there any Dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe?" The Pope puzzled now, thinks for a moment and replies, " No Dopey, there are no Dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all the Dwarfs burst into laughter, and once again Dopey silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "YOUR EXTREME Holiness are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, The Pope responds, "I am sorry my son but there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears stream down there cheeks as they began chanting....... "Dopey shagged a penguin!!!....Dopey shagged a penguin!!!!"

Judi had never been fishing in her entire life, but she wasn't about to tell her new rich boyfriend that. "What? And look like an idiot?" she said to her girlfriend Carly. After about an hour aboard his yacht, she turned to her new boyfriend and said, "Umm, those little red and white thingees? How much do they cost?" Amanpreet looked at her a little funny, shrugged, and said, "The float? I guess they're about a dollar. Why do you ask?" "I owe you a dollar then. Mine just sank."

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints. "My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died. "No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."

There were three golfers. One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green. The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green. As you no doubt guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus. The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water, an eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole. Then Jesus shouted, "Dad! If you do that again, I'm not going to invite you to play golf with us in the future!"

Things might be a little more exciting this week, than last weekend’s lazy fest. There are no set plans as yet, but Friday will see the normal random night out, with lots of drinking and the general ability for things to get messy. Ricky Organ is back from Chicago at some stage, but true to form in Chez Didsbury, nobody knows when. The end of the football season is going to hit hard, as there will be nothing to fill those long lazy Sunday afternoons. Doubtless, one day during the week will see a drinking outing, but it would seem that Tuesday would not be the night to do it. Yes mate, you told us the predictions are a bit vague, but it’s not an exact science you know. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

It’s a mad mad mad mad world. Comedy classic with a star studded cast. Starts with a spectacular car crash, and a death throws promise of buried treasure ($350k), which leads to chaos and mayhem as various people race to find the site of the treasure, picking up more people along the way, and leaving a trail of destruction behind them, while all the time their progress is being monitored by the chief of the local police, who’s been after this money since it was taken in a robbery 15 years before, and due to personal circumstances decides that he’s going to make off with the money himself, cue another car chase and hanging off a tall building. Very slapstick in places, but it will make you laugh out loud.

First the answer from last week. Half a crown is worth twelve and a half pence in modern money, this week’s winner is Mr Yusuf Kunt, from Earl Shilton in Leicestershire who wins the collectors edition set of pre decimalization coins in a presentation box.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is how many months have 31 days in, and how many have 28 days. Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a 2002 Kylie calendar.

TOTAL = 11

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 403