Tonight is the second Surerandomality night out. Starting point and itinerary have been arranged and details can be found in the introduction.

After that we move on to Saturday 14^th June, and it is the first ever Chez Didsbury Sports Day, Barbeque, Disco and late night drinking session, so clear your diaries, hone your Frisbee, football and saucepan throwing skills, get your sleeping bags aired and bring plenty of alcohol.

Congratulations to Garden, who managed to win the blonde of the week award, after a very slow week with a score of 2.

A reward is still being offered to find the f@cking b1tch that nicked Squirrel’s legendary sunglasses. If anyone has any information then let me know or ring the Squirrel hotline.

Congratulations to Kate, who celebrates her 32^nd birthday today.

So many letters and e-mails in this week, and so little time to read them, and basically I still hadn’t caught up from last week, well you know the saying that there’s no rest for the wicked, well I must have been good, cos I’ve done fuck all this week.

Basically there have been more sponsorship suggestions, letters about women and football, Rex, foreign correspondence, and of course the latest diatribe from Mr Perrin, but basically I can’t be arsed to do anything this week, but I might get round to it next week, but even those claims might be spurious.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

A police officer called out to quiet down a women-only party in Jerusalem, Israel, was warmly welcomed when he knocked on their door. As soon as he stepped inside, one of the women "took off my shirt and untied my shoelaces," the officer says, and then "started stroking me and called on her friends to join in." The women stopped only when a second officer arrived and "extricated" him. After sorting things out, the officers discovered "The women had ordered a stripper dressed as a police officer," a national police spokesman said, and assumed the officer was the call boy. No arrests were reported. - Now we know why Ricky Organ wanted to go to the fancy dress party as a policeman.

Stereo store technicians installing a car stereo in Orem, Utah, found a bag of marijuana in the customer's car and called the police. Officer Ryan Porter confronted the customer and asked if he knew why he was called. "The suspect hung his head and said, 'It's about the bicycle I just stole from in front of Media Play, isn't it?'," a police spokesman recounted. "Yes, that. And?" Porter replied. "It's about the marijuana pipe I have in my truck, right?" Porter again replied, "Yes, that. And?" The 19-year-old man, whose name was not reported, said he couldn't think of anything else, so Porter reminded him about the pot in the car and cited him for all three crimes. – What else? He’s wasn’t exactly Mr. current affairs was he?

It started, as so many weeks’ tales with another Thursday. Needless to say that a few drinks (as was the plan) got slightly out of hand. Squirrel and Kate met up with Naomi, straight from work in the Square Albert, and despite Naomi going early, they carried on drinking til chucking out time, and then headed to XS, where they met Malc and others, with Malc being the proud possessor of a baby Guinness fridge that he’d won earlier. Kate left sometime after midnight, and Squirrel and Malc left at chucking out time. Despite this both Squirrel and Kate thought it would be a good idea to go out straight from work again on Friday, and met up with Kol, Kev and Steve to sit outside the Slug and Lettuce on Canal Street. Kol left to get his bus just before midnight, by which time Steve had stopped drinking, and Kev had been and puked. By midnight Kate was in a state where she couldn’t even speak, and after smashing a glass was led to get a taxi home. Having dropped Kate and Kev off near home, Squirrel headed on to XS and when he arrived was greeted, with "Sorry mate, we’re closed." Meaning they were full, in a repeat from a scene a couple of weeks earlier the response was "you are having a fucking laugh aren’t you?" Once in Squirrel bumped into Becky, and after a few more drinks, closing time arrived, they went for food and crashed at Becky’s. This did lead to Squirrel getting into town too late to pick up his new bank card, and eventually arriving back at Chez Didsbury mid afternoon. The evening saw Squirrel, G Man, Hopalong and Mary having a miniature barbeque in the garden, and a lounging night at home. The next excursion by anyone from the house was Wednesday when Hopalong managed to tempt G Man into meeting him straight from work at the Parrs Wood, which normally gets messy, but it was restrained and they actually headed back to Chez Didsbury, where Hopalong continued drinking, and failed to get G Man to do the same, as he was off to an interview in the morning.

The grand total for the appeal finally stands at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please No more contributions, as some of the less intelligent of you out there may have found out by now, they will be returned.

The dispersal of the remaining funds is now the major concern. It is only fair to let, you the readers (and contributors) decide which good cause we should donate the remaining funds from the Rex appeal to. I have narrowed the list down to five suitable candidates, and over the next couple of weeks, I shall be letting the dedicated fans of Rex, and the general public vote on where the funds should be sent to. The five candidates are, 1. The royal society for the prevention of damage to natural water hazards on golf courses. 2. The golf ball historical society. 3. The international museum of green rollers. 4. The golfers with Alzheimer's hospice, and 5. The Mango protection alliance. The votes have been flooding in this, the final week for voting, and each of the five choices have the following votes respectively; 99, 132, 71, 129, 189. Therefore the winner is The Mango Protection Alliance. The remaining funds will be sent to them this week.

Remember that the time, date and location has been sorted for the Rex Memorial service. It's going to be held on Sunday, 29^th June 2003, and it's going to be held at the Checketts Road Kingdom Hall in Leicester. If those of you interested in coming, that need directions, you can e-mail the Surerandomality offices, but the chance of a speedy reply is spurious, not genuine and worth fac all. The best thing to do would be to go to streepmap.co.uk and put a search in on that. A word of warning, get there early, as parking can be a right facing nightmare on a Sunday afternoon, as all the local pensioners are already parked all around, while they attend the next door Working's Men Club, for their traditional Sunday afternoon whist drive. Nearly forgot, the time will be 4.30pm.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

Why is there always too much month left at the end of my money?

Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund?

If god never meant pigs to fly, why do the police have helicopters?

Dog Catcher (n).

A man who goes looking for unwanted hounds in a nightclub after all the pedigree blart has been collared

Q. What's the smallest Pub in the World? A. The Thalidomide Arms

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs. "Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun. "Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun. No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield. "Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared. "Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun. No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack. "NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun. The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly. The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!"

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees."

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you." "No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway."

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honour," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honour," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the colour."

The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, . . . "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the Centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church's board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

A man was in his front garden mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.  She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.  A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"  To which she replied, "There certainly is!" ...................... My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Yes it’s surerandomality night out number 2 and it’s tonight. Needless to say this has great potential to get messy. Saturday sees G Man off to meet another waif and stray he met while travelling (this time Ruth) and has instructions to bring his housemates with him. Sunday ought to be a day of rest, and if Friday and Saturday both get messy then it will be well needed. Apart from that god knows what’s likely to happen, probably a case of same shit different week. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

Sleep – a definite underrated pastime, which I really should have more off. In order to do this, I will be applying for an extra 3 hours to be added to each day.

First the answer from last week. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, 7 months have 31 days, and all of them have 28. This did fox quite a lot of you, and the lucky winner of the 2002 Kylie calendar is a Mr Gordon Walker, from Grantham, Lincolnshire. We’ll send it on as soon as we’ve managed to clean it up.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is if this is the freezing point, what will the date be when it gets to the boiling point? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a thermometer.

TOTAL = 9

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 412