Saturday 14^th June, and it is the first ever Chez Didsbury Sports Day, Barbeque, Disco and late night drinking session, so clear your diaries, hone your Frisbee, football and drinking skills, get your sleeping bags aired and bring plenty of alcohol. Yes that’s right it’s tomorrow.

Congratulations to Morning, who managed to win the blonde of the week award in her first week back in the zoo.

So many letters and e-mails in this week, and so little time to read them, and basically I still hadn’t caught up from the last two weeks, and unless something changes dramatically I might never catch up, and then there would be that kind of time lag feeling with all the letters being two weeks behind, and therefore out of context with what’s going on, and it would cause even more confusion than normal, and if there’s anything that shouldn’t happen then it’s confusing you lot more than you already are. In fact I might have to start cracking the whip around Surerandomality towers and get the fucking staff to actually do something, after all, what the fuck am I paying them for?

Anyway a few brief snippets.

Yes people you’ve told me, I know I’ve not done a map for the Rex memorial service yet, but I will get round to doing one before the service actually takes place, so that all you well-wishers out there can actually find the location.

Yes that’s right the funds are going (have gone) to the Mango Protection Alliance, and as previously pointed out it is a registered charity, and this can be confirmed by contacting the charities commission, who’s details are in a previous issue of Surerandomality, but unfortunately I haven’t got the time to have a look which one.

Yes people you’ve told me, last week’s edition was shit, but unfortunately there are times when it’s not possible to maintain the normal high standards, if any of you muthafuckers think you can do a better job, then you’re welcome to try, if not sit down and shut up you big bald fucks.

For once and for all, no the fantasy football wasn’t rigged.

No, girls do not know anything about football.

Why shouldn’t I print foreign language letters? They make just as much sense as the shit that gets sent to me every week, pertaining to be in English.

No Mr Perrin, you’re not a budding writer, you’re a fucking arsehole.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

As a cargo ship on a run from Buenaventura, Colombia, to Miami, Florida, pulled into port five days after setting sail, a group of stowaways came running out of their hiding place to claim their place in the Land of the Free. The only problem: the ship wasn't docking in Miami; it had mechanical problems after getting through the Panama Canal and had gone back to the nearest port -- in Colombia. "They wanted the American dream, but they only made it to Cartagena," a police spokesman said. The five "sheepish looking" men were returned to Buenaventura by bus. - I’ve known some tits in my time, but none as fucking stupid as this lot

A bank robber in Salt Lake City, Utah, wanted to be sure he got the job done right -- he got there early. In fact, he got to the bank before it opened, so he patiently waited outside, wearing a mask, until an employee unlocked the door. Then, he waited in line with other customers for his turn. "You have to wonder what [the other customers] were thinking," said a sheriff's spokesman. Once the unnamed, 36-year- old robber made his move, several customers jumped him and held him for police. - Can you imagine the problems the elephant man would have had doing his banking?

The second surerandomality night out was a strange affair, with plenty of people out and about, but not necessarily in the same place at the same time. First out of the trap could have been Hopalong and G Man who met up at the Parrs Wood, just after them would have been Squirrel, who had a quick drink at the Paramount before meeting up with Kate at the peveril of the Peaks. Some of the more eagle eyed of the readers may notice that there appeared to be no food stop mentioned, and believe me this comes into play. After a couple of swift drinks Squirrel and Kate headed to Kro 2 where they met up with Steve and Leon, and somewhat later Kev. After a couple more drinks they headed off to Scubar, where over time they were joined by Hopalong, G Man, Wes and Linda. It’s at this point that the lack of a food stop began to catch up with Squirrel, and his memory of events began to get hazy. After a few drinks he began to lose the plot and after chasing Kate around the pub, and getting kicked in the bollocks by Hopalong, he stormed off, not to be seen for the rest of the night. Not long after that Kate, Steve and Leon headed off to town, and then for a curry, while Kev headed off home. G Man, Hopalong, Wes and Linda headed to Jabez, meanwhile Squirrel was on the wrong bus and heading to West Didsbury, and therefore a long trek back to Chez Didsbury. In Jabez they met up with Becky and Vicky, and much drinking was done. Squirrel arrived back home in a bad mood, and Ricky Organ, who was having a quiet night in could get no sense out of him before he went to bed (fucking lightweight). In Jabez, Wes and Linda seemed to be hitting it off, but Hopalong and G man were getting bored and headed off into town to go to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), where they met up with Tessa, who had been out in town. As usual things got messy, G Man finished £110 up, whereas Hopalong and Tessa were both losers, to the tune of £70 and £50 respectively. A taxi home followed, where Hopalong and G Man stayed up drinking until just after 6 in the morning before collapsing in heaps on various living room seating.

Saturday saw Squirrel up early to go to work, and G Man and Hopalong off into town at a ridiculously early hour to do pissed up shopping. While out they bought a barbeque and then spent the afternoon constructing it while lounging in the grounds of chez Didsbury and drinking. The evening saw them heading off to Deansgate locks and the fat cat café to meet up with another of those random females that G Man had met while travelling, in this case one called Ruth. After a few pints Ruth and her friends headed off to the fab café, whereas the Chez Didsbury residents were going to meet up with some of Ricky Organ’s friends, they just didn’t know where yet. As it turned out it was Via Fosa, and after spotting someone they went to school with G Man and Hopalong made a sharp exit and headed off to try and get into fab café. This left Ricky Organ and Squirrel to meet up with Zac, Matt, Ellen and others, and then after what seemed like about two days they eventually moved on to meet up with everyone else in fab café. However there was a one in one out policy and when they rang G Man it turned out that him and Hopalong had moved to Walkabout, therefore Squirrel, Ricky Organ, Zac, Matt and Ellen went to join them. After half an hour’s fruitless searching for them, Squirrel got pissed off and went home (yet again lightweight behaviour). The rest never met up, and all left separately to go home. However Ricky Organ bumped into G Man in subway, and then along with Hopalong headed to the casino (Viva Las Vegas). Again it got messy, and G Man was £60 down, Ricky Organ about the same, and they left having failed to drag Hopalong out, though he did leave 5 minutes later £200 down, but that wasn’t the end of his losses for the evening. On the way home in the taxi he managed to lose his wallet, and thought he’d lost his Zippo (though this was found later in the week in bed).

Sunday saw the vast majority not wanting to do anything, however, this was destroyed when people started arriving at Chez Didsbury for an impromptu barbeque. Tessa and Mogadon Man arrived from next door, and Ricky Organ arrived back with Vanessa, and then later Zac and Matt turned up, peace was returned by about 10, just in time to watch a DVD to end the weekend. The week didn’t see much motion at all, with the normal lounging, and watching of football, and Squirrel showing signs that he must be an Irish squirrel, as he seems to want to hibernate during the summer, as he was in bed before half ten every night of the week, definite strange behaviour for the nocturnal one.

The grand total for the appeal finally stood at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers. This has now all been transferred over to The Mango Protection Alliance. They have acknowledged receipt, and would like to thank everyone who had contributed to the Rex appeal over the last six months.

Remember that the time, date and location has been sorted for the Rex Memorial service. It's going to be held on Sunday, 29^th June 2003, and it's going to be held at the Checketts Road Kingdom Hall in Leicester. If those of you interested in coming, that need directions, you can e-mail the Surerandomality offices, but the chance of a speedy reply is spurious, not genuine and worth fac all. The best thing to do would be to go to streepmap.co.uk and put a search in on that. A word of warning, get there early, as parking can be a right facing nightmare on a Sunday afternoon, as all the local pensioners are already parked all around, while they attend the next door Working's Men Club, for their traditional Sunday afternoon whist drive. Nearly forgot, the time will be 4.30pm.

Hopalong (to Wes) :- Can you give me any tips?

Ricky Organ :- Have you put on weight?

Squirrel :- Yes Mate.

Ricky Organ :- Doing what?

Squirrel :- Absolutely Fac all.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people around?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Hush Puppies (n).

Breasts that are so impressive that all men are rendered speechless in their presence.

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine." She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole." She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone" the manager told him. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!" "Well we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another or $100,000.00. "How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anything to anyone, any time any where!" "OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked. "What urine sample?" asked Sid. "If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's." "That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

What do you call a female sex change? An addadictomy!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she would prefer. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope. "Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew. "Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope. "Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so ON and so on. So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right." "Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope. "Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 29, A.D . . ."

A teacher walks into the class room and says "right class, who can tell me what a shitzu is" A little boy at the back of the class puts his hand up and says "Its a zoo with no animals Miss"

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

Two women who are waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," explains the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Yes thinks are going to get messy, and doubtless the jam will be taken out of somebody’s doughnut, cos it happening this weekend. It’s the Chez Didsbury Barbeque, and by early accounts there could well be a house full. With some food, lots of alcohol, and limitless lunatics, police cars and ambulances should be expected. Top entertainment of the night must surely be this. Go up to Mogadon man (for those of you who don’t know who this is then look for someone talking, and the person they’re talking to looks asleep, then the person talking will be Mogadon man.) and ask him why he’s a vegetarian. Apart from this, god knows what else is happening this week, and quite frankly, who gives a shit? See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

Summer, the worst of all seasons, too much fucking sunlight, too much heat, and an excessive amount of pollen, all I can say is thank fuck I don’t live in a hot country. The only good side seems to be that it encourages females to wear less, but since some fucking bitch nicked my decent sunglasses, undetectable watching has got a lot harder. Roll on winter.

First the answer from last week. No one, nobody, not a single person could work it out. Freezing point is 32 on the Fahrenheit scale, therefore using the same scale boiling point would be 212, issue 212 is scheduled to hit the stands on the 17^th November 2006, it would appear that the few of you that even tried, have no concept of leap years or that there are not exactly 52 weeks in a year, that there is in fact an extra odd day. The prize of a thermometer has been held over in the vain hope that when I catch up with the post over the next week, someone has actually managed to get the answer right.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is what was the last horse to win the Grand National that had a starting price higher than 33-1, and in which year? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins an Axminster rug.

TOTAL = 16

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 428