Congratulations to Morning, who managed to retain the blonde of the week award in her second week back in the zoo. If this carries on then we might need a name change.

A mention to H (no not the one from steps) who it seems in his new London based life has turned into a Seventies cult classic star spotter, and over the last couple of weeks has seen, Hutch from Starsky and Hutch and Blake from Blake’s Seven, whilst out drinking.

So many letters and e-mails in this week, and so little time to read them, and basically I still hadn’t caught up from the last two weeks, and unless something changes dramatically I might never catch up, and then there would be that kind of time lag feeling with all the letters being two weeks behind, and therefore out of context with what’s going on, and it would cause even more confusion than normal, and if there’s anything that shouldn’t happen then it’s confusing you lot more than you already are. In fact I might have to start cracking the whip around Surerandomality towers and get the fucking staff to actually do something, after all, what the fuck am I paying them for?

Anyway a few brief snippets.

Yes people you’ve told me, I know I’ve not done a map for the Rex memorial service yet, but I will get round to doing one before the service actually takes place, so that all you well-wishers out there can actually find the location.

Yes that’s right the funds are going (have gone) to the Mango Protection Alliance, and as previously pointed out it is a registered charity, and this can be confirmed by contacting the charities commission, who’s details are in a previous issue of Surerandomality, but unfortunately I haven’t got the time to have a look which one.

Yes people you’ve told me, last week’s edition was shit, but unfortunately there are times when it’s not possible to maintain the normal high standards, if any of you muthafuckers think you can do a better job, then you’re welcome to try, if not sit down and shut up you big bald fucks.

For once and for all, no the fantasy football wasn’t rigged.

No, girls do not know anything about football.

Why shouldn’t I print foreign language letters? They make just as much sense as the shit that gets sent to me every week, pertaining to be in English.

No Mr Perrin, you’re not a budding writer, you’re a fucking arsehole.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Kevin Barnes, 20, made a pipe bomb with gunpowder from fireworks. Apparently trying to shock his friends -- and his girlfriend -- in his flat in Daventry, Northamptonshire, England, Barnes stuck the bomb in his mouth and repeatedly flicked his lighter near the fuse. What happened to him next was ruled by the coroner "accidental death." - And "The bomb" blew his head up.

A homeowner in Fulton County, Ga., was awakened at 2:40 a.m. by the sound of one of his windows smashing and someone coming inside. He ran into the hallway and yelled at the man to leave, but the intruder ran past him into his bedroom and slammed the door in his face. His wife escaped, and police officers dragged the man out from under the bed. The man, who had entered the house by diving through a window, severed an artery during the stunt and bled to death before an ambulance could arrive. Meanwhile, Obadiah Videau, 21, went on a "mini-rampage" in Fremont, Calif., police say. "A strong-arm robbery, a purse snatching and then ... two [attempted] burglaries," a detective said, ticking off the events of the day. In one of the burglary attempts, Videau fell through an apartment window and severed an artery. He bled to death. - I think it’s safe to say that they definitely took the jam out of their own doughnuts

Once again it was an early start on the Friday with Hopalong wangling a half day off, and being joined by G Man at lunchtime. After an extended spell at the Cock Inn, they moved to the Clock Tower, and then at half ten they staggered across the road to meet up with Squirrel, Ricky Organ and Tessa, who had only just managed to make it out, outside the Dog and Partridge. After last orders at the Dog, they went to get drinks from the Hogshead, but lost Hopalong and G Man along the way, but still managed to walk out with 5 pints of Hoegaarden in the special Hoegaarden vases, and proceeded to wander around Didsbury drinking them while trying to find the other two. Unsurprisingly they were found in the kebab shop, where upon leaving they bumped into Steve Murdoch, someone Hopalong and G Man knew from Harrogate, who proceeded to rip the shit out of them. Back to Chez Didsbury where some stellas saw virtually everyone asleep in the living room.

Saturday saw the day of the Chez Didsbury Barbeque, and somewhat surprisingly it didn’t rain. The visitors started arriving early, with Baby G, and Sarah the first ones to arrive, but not before the arrival of the bouncy castle war zone, complete with fugal sticks. This set up the start of a long day of violent fun, which saw some pretty fierce rivalries taking place, and only one draw all day, in the can’t be arsed match between Squirrel and G Man. Further guests arrived and the drinking started in earnest, with both Owen and Hew (the cousins G) arriving, and Mel, Dai, Steve, Tessa (a different one), and Greg coming up from Bedford. The bouncy castle by now had become a large sun lounger, and football was being played, and still people were arriving. Mary turned up, and shortly after so did Wes, armed with Swingball, which turned out to be another half an hour fad. Late arrivals were Melvin, and then Garden. Food and drink were constantly on the go, and another bout of battle drome bouts broke out which were fuelled by alcohol. Time flew as people were enjoying themselves, and it was soon time for the first victims to be leaving, with Garden escaping into Manchester just before midnight, then real violence flared as Hopalong and Wes squared up on the bouncy castle, and Wes took exception to a cheap shot and squared up without accessories. After a few tense moments peace broke out and eating and drinking resumed. The cousins G departed, and the spirits started, but by now Wes had been lost to sleep, and the deep grass. Of course once the spirits started things got a bit hazy, alcoholic smoothies were started on. G Man became monkey boy and climbed up the outside of the house and in through Hopalong’s window, ripping his jeans in the process. Squirrel passed out in the music room, only to be woke up by Hopalong, he got up, and walked straight into the wall mistaking it for a door, and knocking the notice board onto the floor. The alcoholic smoothie shots weren’t exactly going like hot cakes, probably cos people weren’t sure about the colour. As people began to crash out, Hopalong and Mary went to bed only to find Wes in it, after they managed to get him up, he moved to Ricky Organ’s bed only to be removed again when Ricky Organ made it to bed, and eventually found a resting place on the now deflated bouncy castle.

Sunday saw the slow dispersal of guests during the day, not before another round of swing ball and bouncy castle battles, before that was taken away at about 4 in the afternoon. Squirrel finally surfaced at 7 in the evening, after seriously considering not getting up at all. Monday saw Hopalong take the day off work due to the after effects of the weekend, and general weariness all round from everyone else, this continued through the week, until Thursday when G Man met daddy G for a drink, and Hopalong was drinking at home, they then went to the Parrswood for a while and then returned to Chez Didsbury to make an attack on the remains of the Smirnoff Blue.

The grand total for the appeal finally stood at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers. This has now all been transferred over to The Mango Protection Alliance. They have acknowledged receipt, and would like to thank everyone who had contributed to the Rex appeal over the last six months.

Remember that the time, date and location has been sorted for the Rex Memorial service. It's going to be held on Sunday, 29^th June 2003, and it's going to be held at the Checketts Road Kingdom Hall in Leicester. If those of you interested in coming, that need directions, you can e-mail the Surerandomality offices, but the chance of a speedy reply is spurious, not genuine and worth fac all. The best thing to do would be to go to streepmap.co.uk and put a search in on that. A word of warning, get there early, as parking can be a right facing nightmare on a Sunday afternoon, as all the local pensioners are already parked all around, while they attend the next door Working's Men Club, for their traditional Sunday afternoon whist drive. Nearly forgot, the time will be 4.30pm.

Hopalong (to Ricky Organ) :- Why won’t you let me kiss you?

Hopalong (to some random person) :- That’s Tessa, she fancies him (pointing at G Man)

Alexander the Great was an epileptic

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

Horses and Rabbits cannot vomit

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it that insurance covers everything apart from what actually happens?

Does anybody really know the difference between a currant and a raisin?

World of Leather (n).

The parts of an aged lady. Granny Oysters.

A Scouser is sitting in a pub when a petite, snake-hipped man in Gold Lycra shorts and a pink crop-top minces up to the bar and orders a strawberry daiquiri. He takes a sip of his drink before leaning over to our Scouse friend and whispering into his ear, "If you meet me out the back in five minutes I'll give you a really great blow-job." The Scally turns purple, grabs the guy by the throat, and proceeds to batter the crap out of him before throwing him head First through the bar's plate glass window leaving him in a bloody heap on the pavement outside. The landlord, a little shocked by the brutality of the attack, says to our friend, "That was a bit much! What the hell did he say to you?" "I don't know" replies the Scouser taking a sip of his pint," Something about a job."

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

Why do elephants have big ears? Because noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. He runs away, finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and Guns but, instead, finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up on the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of Time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you and let him do what he wants. This guy could be dangerous, if he! Gets angry, he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love you." The wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too....."

A man wrote to his doctor regarding a problem, writing "Dear Dr., I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disc but still got pregnant again. I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba"

What's dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw!

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little rascals smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, " I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw couldn't have been mine, so I put it back!"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" Dave replied, "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.  After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says," Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"

Nothing, nil, zero, bubkiss, nada, goose eggs, zilch, nought, absolutely, positively fac all. That’s what’s planed for the forthcoming week, and I for one intend to fully comply with the plan. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

Going off big time. Billed as a cross between Gangster number 1 and Snatch, now I’ve not seen gangster number 1, but if the similarity to snatch is anything to go by then it’s only connection will be British gangsters. Set in Liverpool and in Prison (though it is hard to differentiate between the two) it is definitely one for the Sunday night collection, with the normal male prison scene and the usual non uplifting ending. Watch if you’ve nothing better to do.

First the answer from last week. Having caught up a bit with the letters I can see that there were in fact no correct entries to the competition from two weeks ago, and therefore the thermometer is staying put in our office. Right then last week, the last horse to win the grand national that started at a price higher than 33-1 was Royal Athlete in 1995, who started at 40-1, and the first correct answer out of the surerandomality hat was from a Mr P O’Sullivan, from Athlone in Ireland. Typical, yet again an overseas winner when the prize is big and bulky, the postage is going to cost me a fucking fortune. Oh yeah, he wins an Axminster rug.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is what is the chemical symbol for selenium? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a year’s supply of Imodium.

TOTAL = 13

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 441