Blonde of the week was probably won by Squirrel, as he couldn’t say anything coherent on Thursday, just random Grandmaster Flash quotes.

Happy birthday to Tessa who is 24 on Sunday. There will be liquid celebration, on Saturday 5^th July, which will be part of a triple birthday bash, along with Ricky Organ and Squirrel, who’s birthday are 10 days either side of the 5th.

Yes people, you did send me lots of post, and despite the chaotic circumstances during the last week I have dealt with it, though it would appear that something I said last week seems to have upset ninety percent of the female readership, and I’ve not had such a bombardment of attempts to leave the mailing list since Mr Perrin got sent down (Don’t even get me started on that twat, his effort at communication this week made up a third of the total weight of the incoming post)

Mr J Cramphorn, from Leicester writes again, "Thanks for nothing, Sunday afternoon was absolute carnage, I have difficulties parking at home normally but due to your Rex memorial service it made it virtually impossible to park anywhere near my house, and then to top it off, I got stopped at least half a dozen times by people asking where the memorial hall was cos you couldn’t be arsed to sort out a map, it definitely took the jam out of my doughnut, I can tell you." Well, all I can say is that you can’t please any of the people any of the time.

More on the Rex memorial service later, but a couple of readers have taken the time to write in to express their feelings on the service. First up is Mrs Gladys Shuffleboard, from Cromer, Norfolk, who writes, "It was a beautiful service and a fitting goodbye to a gracious golf ball." Mr Stuart Masterson, from Water Orton, West Midlands, wrote, "I was surprised at the large turnout, it was just a shame that the venue wasn’t bigger, but it was a lovely service." Finally on the subject, is a Hamish Macbeth from Lerwick on the Shetland Islands, who adds, "It was a long way to travel, but it was worth it, and the people were lovely, I definitely enjoyed the experience." These were reflective of the general mood.

Miss Vincenza Pescatore, from Naples in Italy writes "Una donna la porta 16-l'anno vecchio figlia al dottore. Il dottore dice, "Giusto, Sig.ra Jones, che è il problema?" La madre dice, "È il mio Darla di figlia, tiene a prendere questo cravings, mette sul peso e è malato la maggior parte delle mattine." Il dottore dà Darla che un esame buono gira poi alla madre e dice, "Bene, non lo so come dire questo ma il suo Darla è incinta - di 4 mesi sarebbe la mia supposizione." La madre dice, "Incinta? Lei non può essere, lei non è mai stato sinistro solo con un uomo! L'ha Darla?" Il Darla dice, "Nessuna madre! Non ho mai baciato anche un uomo!" Il dottore camminato sopra alla finestra e fissa appena fuori esso. Di cinque minuti passa e finalmente la madre dice, "È lí qualcosa l'ingiustizia fuori lí dottore?" Non le risposte di dottore, "No, realmente, è giusto che l'ultimo tempo niente ama questo successo, una stella apparsa nell'est e tre uomini saggi è venuto la collina. Sarò darned se vado mancarlo questo tempo!" r" Did you understand a single word of what she just said? No nor did I, it’s worse that trying to decipher what the hell Ricky Organ is saying.

The shit has hit the fan, I can’t believe just how many females wrote and e-mailed in to complain both about my and Colin Drummonds comments about female football fans knowing nothing about football.

Miss Lucy Green from Merseyside writes, "You fucking sexist muthafucker, have you any (Radio edit)"

Meanwhile Mrs Georgina Jackson, from Pontefract, somewhere in Yorkshire writes, "You little shit (snip!)".

And another, Miss Hannah Wrigley, from Edinburgh, writes, " What in hell gives you the right to (boring)".

Basically, the little women out there aren’t happy, (and the fat huffalumps aren’t exactly pleased) but cluck, I don’t give a shit, can you can all kneel down and suck (radio edit).

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Debra and Tim Ferguson of California planned the cruise to Hawaii for years. They even brought along their four daughters, including their youngest, Kelley. But Kelley, 20, wanted to get back to her boyfriend and left two terrorist threats for stewards to find in hopes the ship would turn around for home. It didn't: the captain dropped anchor until a squad of 100 federal and Hawaii state agents combed the ship -- at a cost of $300,000. Kelley was quickly caught since she was the only one of 2,400 people on board who reported seeing "someone" plant the notes. She pleaded guilty to making false threats and faces 2-20 years in prison and up to $25,000 in fines. What do her parents think? Debra says Kelley is a "brat" and "promises not to do it again -- but yeah, right." They have refused to bail her out of jail. - Use for future reference, if you ever meet anyone called Kelly Ferguson, just remember she’s a psycho

U.S. Marine James Glass is recovering in a Kuwait hospital after barely surviving a grenade attack. His injuries weren't sustained in combat: his wife Wendy, 33, and her Marine boyfriend have confessed to trying to murder James so his insurance would sweeten their 2-year-old affair. "She has played the part of the dutiful wife, dutiful mother, all the while plotting the murder of ... the father of her children," says prosecutor Sharon Sexton. But Glass, a chief warrant officer, forgives her. "He considers their relationship, their marriage, in good standing," says defense attorney David Lee Titterington. "He stands beside her today." - Now that’s a hint and a half for your ass. Tip the fuck out the door.

A few quiet drinks, doesn’t anyone know the meaning of these words? It would appear not, from work Squirrel met up with Matt and Kate in the Peveril of the peaks, after a few drinks they were joined by G Man and Tessa, and then just after last orders Hopalong arrived, having escaped from the packing duty Mary had assigned him. From there they moved on and ended up at Northern Funk at subspace, however it was established along the way that Matt had been out earlier, and was decidedly worse for wear upon arrival there. After a single drink Matt headed off, and a couple of drinks later Kate began to show signs of losing the plot, and eventually left carrying her shoes and sat outside talking to squirrel. With G Man and Tessa on the dancefloor this left Hopalong at the bar with 4 drinks, which he could just about cope with. Hopalong and G Man did however manage to get their photos taken, and as it would turn out a couple of days later it was for the Manchester online busted web site. (so you can check out their ugly mugs for a while). Feeling like a third wheel Hopalong left, only to virtually trip over Kate and Squirrel who were still sat outside talking. The three of them got a taxi, and after dropping Kate off, Hopalong decided it was a good time to ask Squirrel about excel. Thankfully Squirrel was rescued by the return of Tessa and G Man, and yet again Tessa managed to fall asleep in one of the Chez Didsbury lounge chairs, before going next door for the last time. Squirrel thought it was a good idea to stay up watching baseball and made it to bed at about 7.

A couple of hours later and Hopalong was up, just before being descended on by Mary and her mum. Squirrel got up just before noon and headed straight out to meet Kate and Kev in the Friendship for breakfast and was joined not long after by G Man. A somewhat surprising mid afternoon return to Chez Didsbury followed shopping, and all four residents spent the afternoon lounging and generally (verbally) abusing each other. Jayne arrived somewhat to the surprise of Ricky Organ, and by the time it was starting to get dark, Squirrel, G Man and Hopalong headed into Didsbury, first stop, somewhat unsurprisingly was the Dog and Partridge, where they had the misfortune to be collared by Mogadon man. Normally this would lead to quick drinking and escape, but the trio just ripped the ginger misfit to pieces to such an extent that he sneaked off. After that they headed to the clock tower, which just got messy, especially when the flaming sambuca girl came round. Hopalong tried first (on his second attempt after drinking the first one straight down). Now I'm not sure whether he quite grasped the concept of flaming sambucas but once lit he managed to spit it out all over Squirrel's jeans, complaining it was burning his lips. After a couple of drinks they managed to clear the dancefloor, and then did more flaming sambucas and tequilas before heading to XS. Once in XS they bumped into Emily, Kat and Esther, which led to Squirrel dancing with them, G Man trying to keep a distance profile, and Hopalong trying to get G Man and Esther in close confinement (mmm that might be a bit harsh, not all monkeys are in captivity). Upon staggering out G Man leaped in a taxi with two females and persuaded them to let them all share their taxi by claiming Squirrel and Hopalong were famous rugby players (right build, wrong fitness level). After the females got out in Withington, the trio decided that the garage was the place to go and cause havoc. Yes that's right Hopalong and G Man went on a half hour mission to find the secret garage supply of donkey porn. Squirrel got bored, bought food and went home, where G Man and Hopalong joined him nearly an hour later.

Sunday morning saw a true return to form with Squirrel doing a fry up, followed by lounging and watching sport in the afternoon, fajitas and the Sunday night film. Monday brought about a working week with a twist. For a start G Man had found someone mad enough to employ him for the week, and therefore spent the week working with Squirrel. Monday evening saw them meet Kate and Kev in the Square Albert after work with the promise to do a different pub each night, however this fell by the wayside due to excessive overtime. It did however take Seeks four days to realise that he was sitting next to G Man, and despite not exactly not being Mr current affairs, the reaction was dramatic. Having already spoken to Shaun Goater on Monday night, he was somewhat starstruck, which just went up a gear when he realised he was in the presence of yet another Surerandomality a list star. Thursday night had the promise to get messy with Hopalong and G Man out and about in Didsbury, but you'll hear about that next week.

The last ever Rex appeal column.

The grand total for the appeal finally stood at £691.79, 12 Guinea, 58 second & 51 First class stamps, 202 euros, $39.99, 9 Irish Punt, 12 drachma, 71 French Francs, 23 Swiss Francs, 34 Belgium Francs, 1756 Andorran Pesetas, 44 Yen, 301 Australian dollars, 666,666 Italian Lira, 2,056,179 Turkish Lira, 7 Krugerands, 28 Luncheon Vouchers, 124 Green Shield Stamps, £221.50 in postal orders, 14 Esso tokens, £30 worth of Circus Casino (Viva Las Vegas) chips, 71,000 WH Smith club card points, 18,000 Nectar points, 4 Car wash tokens, 5 Milk Tokens, £15 worth of Argos vouchers, £2.50 worth of Mothercare vouchers, £20 worth of Specsavers vouchers and £1420 worth of out of date HMV money off vouchers. This has now all been transferred over to The Mango Protection Alliance. They have acknowledged receipt, and would like to thank everyone who had contributed to the Rex appeal over the last six months.

The Rex Memorial service was an outstanding show of the reverence held for Rex. The turnout was astonishing, and heart-warming, especially considering the local parking problems, and difficult directions. The major downside was the fact that the location couldn't really cope with the size of the crowd of well wishers that had turned out to pay their last respects. Fortunately we managed to get speakers set up, and were able to relay the service to all those who stood outside unable to get into the kingdom hall. It was a fitting end to the story of Rex, I just hope everyone remembers him.

His name was Dave, and where he came from was a mystery, as was where he ended up every night. No one could ever remember meeting Dave for the first time, it was like he's always been there. No one would ever admit to telling him where they were going to be, it was almost as if there was some magic force drawing him to wherever there were three or more of them gathered. Not that they really minded, it wasn't as if he was intrusive, yet at the same time he wasn't boring, he was just there.

It must have been about five years since they had begun to notice that Dave was there, and in all that time not one of them had ever been to his house, or for that matter even knew where he lived, and by the same token, none of them could ever remember Dave ever coming to their houses. In fact they were quite sure that the only time Dave wasn't around when the group assembled was at house parties.

Her name was Susan, she knew the rest due to the fact that she had started going out with Niall a couple of years before, they had spilt up, but she had remained part of the group. She had taken her time to notice Dave, as seemed to be the case with everyone. He was handsome enough, and seemed really nice, and as far as she knew (or anyone else she had spoke to) he didn't appear to have had a partner, or to have had one at any stage. She had for the last few weeks been making every effort to talk to Dave, and to try and drop subtle hints that she liked him, but despite it all, Dave stayed the same as ever, just being nice.

She decided that this had to change and made herself a plan to pull Dave on the Friday. Wearing sexy, but not tarty clothing, and her expensive perfume, she arrived late enough to make a bit of an entrance, and got a bit of leg pulling, but no response from Dave. She went up to him and asked him "How do I look Dave?" Very nice was the somewhat muted response. Susan could stand no more, and took Dave by the hand and led him outside. She pulled him close to her and leaned in and kissed him, and he disappeared.

Not disappeared as in doing a runner, but disappeared into thin air. One moment there was a kiss, the next, fresh air. Susan looked around in a state of bewilderment. After a couple of seconds she heard Dave's voice coming from right in front of her.

I'm sorry, but I wasn't expecting you to kiss me, and therefore was unable to stop the illusion shattering. You see I'm not really alive in any sense of the real world. Only my ether really remains, for some reason when I was run over just over six years ago, I was separated from my body, and left here. Within time I learnt how to construct myself a persona that people could see and hear, and speak to and have minimal contact. Early on I found that I could keep the illusion going through casual contact with people and objects, but prolonged contact, or intimate contact would cause the illusion to shatter. It's been hard to stay around the same people, and I need to public places I appear at to draw strength to keep the image going. I'm sorry you have developed feelings for me, I tried not to let it happen. Good luck for the rest of your life, and thank you for that one kiss.

With that Dave reappeared as bright as she had ever seen him, and then disappeared never to be seen again. Within a couple of weeks everyone had let Dave slip from their consciousness in the same way he had arrived. All except for Susan who would never forget him.

Serena - I am pretty sure dad's putting steroids in our food...

Venus - Why do you think that?

Serena - Because I've got hair growing up on my body...

Venus - Really? .... Where?

Serena - On my testicles...

Hopalong (to Ricky Organ) :- Shut your bitch up

Mogadon Man – I’m thinking where I’m going to move to next.

Hopalong – Down south would be good.

Mogadon Man – I’m hoping to get a government job in Amsterdam.

Squirrel – Have you tried the Dutch Government?

Hopalong – Why don’t you get a flight tonight?

Ricky Organ – It’s been a quiet week.

Squirrel, G Man and Hopalong – What?

Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox

Virginia Woolf wrote all her books standing

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Why do boring people always find you to talk to?

If the best things in life are free, why aren't poor people happy?

Why is it called a boxing ring? Wouldn't boxing square be more accurate?

Guard Dog (n).

More sober, or uglier friend of the bird that you’re trying to pull, who will at the most inopportune moments interrupt your chat and drag the object of your efforts off to safety.

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me

make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?" "You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold." "Now tell me something," said the Texan, "can you dance?" "No" "Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's feet. Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf. About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around

and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen. The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a horse's ass?" "No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker asks the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which  his Dad keeps saying "No".  After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK". Several nights later Johnny comes  downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?" Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then son?" Johnny replies ... "Wimbledon."

At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

A priest was looking for someone to ring his church bell before masses when he found a man walking on the street. The priest asked the man if he would like the job, seeing that he looked like he was homeless. The man quickly agreed to take the job. Well, it was the first day on the job so the man went to the top of the church to ring the bell. He saw the bell and turned around and walked to the opposite side of the room. Then he turned around again and took a running start towards the bell. Bamm! He hit the bell with his head and it rang. The next day the man entered the room and did the same. He walked to the other side of the room, turned around, and took a running start towards the bell, but this time he slipped on something and fell right out of the window and down onto the pavement and instantaneously died. Later on the cops showed up at the crime scene and asked the priest knew who the man was. The priest replied, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

There was a blond, brunette, and a redhead that had just robbed a store. The cops spotted them, so they started to run. They saw a barn and ran into it. Once inside - they found three potato bags that they hid in. The cops saw enter the barn and went in to find the three robbers. The cops saw the three sacks moving so they went to investigate. A cop kicked the first bag, which was the brunette's. She said "woof, woof." They thought it was just some little puppies. He went over to the redheads bag and kicked it. She said "meow, meow." They thought it was just some kittens. Then the cops went to the last bag, which was the blondes. They kicked it and she said "potato, potato."

Why I fired my secretary - Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out into the country to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. . followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ... on the couch . . . naked!!

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home. As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

With it being the last day of G Man’s incarceration of working with Squirrel, there are rumours of a few noisy beers after work tonight, but there are also rumours of a school disco in the Clock Tower, so efforts might be diverted there, though the drooling won’t be as bad as it would have been if Wallace was going. Saturday sees the triple birthday bash of Squirrel, Tessa and Ricky Organ, though there is no definite plans afoot, there have been rumours of a pub crawl, and funkademia. Sunday will require rest and recuperation for a new and challenging week. See y’all next week.

Here’s this week’s random review

The Firm, no not the John Grisham based legal conspiracy with Tom Cruise, but the late eighties British football hooligan based epic with Gary Oldman. It tells the tale of three rival firms of hooligans battling it out for who's going to lead the foray into Europe. Lots of stanley knife slashings, car wreckings, beatings, and a shooting, yet somewhat surprisingly considering it's about football hooligans, very little football. Somewhat disturbing, a definite Sunday night classic.

First the answer from last week. How long is a piece of string? How the fuck would I know, and I can't believe just how many of you morons tried to give a measurement for an answer. Basically, there is no real answer, so the knitting pattern prize moves on to this week's competition.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is what was Zebedee's catchphrase in the magic roundabout? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a knitting pattern.

TOTAL =

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 463