Blonde of the week was won by Blondie, who put in one of her outstanding Friday performances to regain the title after a lengthy drought.

A call to all able bodied (and Squirrel), the Chez Didsbury residents association is looking to get a team together to play in an indoor 5 a side football power league. Obviously those that can actually run and kick a ball would be a bonus. Most of all we need a sucker (sorry, talented induhvidual) to go in goal, as the option of having to play least porno card after each goal isn't the best in a competitive environment.

Quite a bit of post, well a shitload more than last week, but that wouldn't exactly be difficult, now would it my pedigree chums. What's even more surprising is that some of it is actually fit to print. Well by fit to print I mean it's actually in structured sentences. Well by sentences, I mean it has words in some kind of order with punctuation every so often. Well by punctuation, I'm assuming that's what it is and not marks made by a dodgy printer cartridge or a dropped pen. Well by pen…THAT’S MORE THAN ENOUGH OF THAT. Without any further delay here's this weeks letters. Well by letters I mean….

First up is an Ethel Stamp from Bakewell, Derbyshire, who writes, "It's a shame that the Rex appeal section has finished, even though it hadn't had anything new for ages. Would it be possible to bring it back, perhaps we could start a save the Rex Appeal section appeal." No, no, no, no, no, no (there's no limits) NO, it's over, leave it, before you take the jam out of my doughnut.

Mark March from Uttoxeter, Staffordshire writes, "Have you ever wondered, what it would sound like if you took a drill, half inch, and drilled right in through the top of a muthafucker's head?" No, and I didn't fourteen years ago when Ice T asked the same question. NEXT.

Terry Fuckwit from Doncaster, South Yorkshire, writes "I was delighted to see that Leslie Grantham is returning to Albert Square after fourteen years. No other character has had quite the same appeal as dirty Den." Christ on a moped, what have you lot been reading this week? Two things here, first, who cares it's only a fucking soap, and secondly what is it with this fourteen years ago thing, is everyone in a fucking timewarp?

Next up is a Lucy Trogg from Bolton, Lancashire, who witters "Is Squirrel related to Rocky, the squirrel from Rocky and Bulwinkle, who if I remember rightly was said to have sharp ears for a squirrel. If he is it would be so cool." Where the fuck should I start with this bimbo? Now I know that sometimes the bounds between fantasy and reality get a little blurred round here, but how the fuck did you think that Rocky, a cartoon squirrel from a cartoon nearly twenty years old could actually be related to someone who has the pseudonym of Squirrel and is alive in the real world in Manchester now? I don't suppose anyone would ever accuse you of being Ms Current Affairs now, would they?

Geraldine Topsham from Stevenage, Hertfordshire complains, "Just when are you going to get round to updating your web site? I mean the last time it was updated we had a Tory government, if you're not going to keep it updated you're not much use to me alive are you son?" Woah. That's a bit strong isn't it. Have you never been busy? I've been moving heaven and earth this last couple of months just to get this issued every week, and yet it seems that all people want to do is snipe. Well basically fuck off.

Stig Arne Tommasson from Stavanger, Norway writes "Godt De De' ang. rikelig fucking dum, I'll I' forteller ll De det? Gjør De vet hvorfor de kaller ham Franky "Four Fingers" Doug? Fordi han lager dume veddemål med farlig folk, og når han ikke betaler opp, gir de ham te hogger! Og I'mI'm I' m ikke snakking om hans fucking fryktet hud enten! Det er en unlicensed som bokse kamp. Det er ikke et som kiler konkurranse. Disse ungguttene er ut skade hverandre. Ha De som noensinne trådd opp på veien, og De vender og en bils nesten på De? noe meget merkelig skjer. Deres liv avgasser ikke før Deres øyne, co De De' ang. også fuckin' skremt tro - De fryser akkurat. ......and drar et dumt ansikt!" Lovely, I'm sure.

Jose Luis Pinto from Maritimo, Portugal writes "Bem são fucking de abundância burro, eu o contarei isso? Sabe por quê eles chamam-no Franky "Quatro Dedos Doug? Porque faz aposta burras com pessoas perigosas, e quando ele nao paga para cima, eles dão-lhe corte de te! E eu nao converso sobre seu é temeu pele de fucking qualquer um! É uma partida ilícita de boxing. Não é um faz cócegas competição. Estes mocinhos são para fora machucar se. Você jamais pisou sobre a estrada, e você vira e um carro é quase em você? algo muito estranho acontece. Seua vida nao reluz antes dos seus olhos, cias que você são também fuckin' espantou pensar - acaba de congelar. ......and puxa um rosto burro!" Now did you understand a single word of what they just said? No, well nor did i.

Mr Perrin, stop writing me shit and write for your parole board, cos you are due in a couple of weeks, and once out you'll have less time on your hands to send me this shit.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

"You don't have to be a rocket scientist" to build a cruise missile, says Bruce Simpson, 49, of New Zealand. Simpson, who lives near Auckland, has said anyone could make one for US$5,000, and is proving it by doing it himself in his garage. He has already tested the jet engine, and says all the needed parts can be bought on the open market. "All this stuff is off the shelf," he says. "It came in under the radar" of customs authorities, who, he says, allowed the shipment of the parts from overseas. - It's amazing what you can get on ebay these days.

Police say a man tried to rob a pharmacy in Neillsville, Wisc., using the time-honored ruse of pretending his finger was a gun. Except the man, wearing a mask, didn't feel the need to hide the fake gun in his pocket -- he held his finger up to pharmacist Bill Weiler. "I kind of chuckled," Weiler said, asking "This is a robbery?" The man then "pushed me and said, 'Yeah, this is a robbery'." He wrestled with the man and, in the scuffle, pulled off his mask. He recognized the robber as Joel D. Peterson, 30, who had earlier allegedly tried to fill forged prescriptions. - However he had picked his nose just prior to the robbery and was charged with being in possession of a dangerous bogey.

1. Linda Lusardi
2. Zoe
3. Jakki Degg
4. Tara
5. Kathy Lloyd
6. Jo Guest
7. Donna Ewing
8. Nikkala
9. Michelle
10. Ruth Gordon

A quiet weekend is in store, I'm sure they were the words to hit the presses this time last Friday, just goes to show what I know. First out of the blocks was G Man who after finishing work at just after 3 headed to the pub with his new work colleagues. Then at half four Blondie, Morning and Sarah rushed out of work and headed to the Slug and Lettuce where they were joined by Squirrel and Garden (only briefly) just after six. To say things got messy quickly is somewhat of an understatement. Despite the fact he claimed he was only out for one drink, Squirrel took little persuading (and a sub) to stay out, and it was sealed by starting on Tequila shots before 7. Sarah suggested that they weren't drinking quickly enough and asked if anyone knew any drinking games. Unsurprisingly Squirrel did and suggested I have never. Word had reached G Man of this and after a brief pitstop at Chez Didsbury to pick up his gear for Harrogate and Ricky Organ they arrived in town. More Tequila followed which led to Morning having to rush and puke, and Blondie accidentally (well so she says) flash Squirrel and Ricky Organ. At around nine G Man had to rush off to get his train to Harrogate, which after all he missed and had to go home ready for the early morning train Saturday, and Morning had to go off to meet her other half, but in the process managed to bang Sarah head in hugging goodbye. At some stage after this Squirrel, Ricky Organ, Blondie and Sarah wandered off to Jar bar and despite how they were dressed they got in. After a few more drinks Ricky Organ went to the toilet only to find everyone gone on his return. Sarah had gone for fresh air, Blondie had followed her and they'd gone to Walkabout, where Blondie later fell down the stairs. Squirrel had wandered outside thinking everyone had gone and Ricky Organ found him leaning on the railings outside. They started to walk off home, when Squirrel remembered he'd left his bag in jar bar with his latest expensive ebay purchase in it. Ricky Organ went back to get it and after difficulty getting back in managed to retrieve it. Next stop was KFC where they thought it would be a good idea to start chatting to the two oldest ugliest married women in there. (And at that time of night that is a seriously hard competition to win) Despite efforts to the contrary it inevitable got messy and the polite chatter turned to abuse. From there it was onto a bus for what should have been a simple journey home, however Ricky Organ hadn't envisioned the nightmare on Squirrel Street. As soon as the bus hit Rusholme Squirrel decided they were home and jumped up and staggered down the bus, despite the protests from Ricky Organ that they weren't in Didsbury. Only after other (laughing) passengers joined in did Squirrel grab a pole to stop and turn round, however doing so meant he swung round and about knocked some poor bloke through the window as he hit him with his arse. Squirrel sat back down, only to jump up again in Fallowfield and escape from the bus. Ricky Organ finished his food and got off a couple of stops later to try and find him, which he managed as Squirrel was quite happily sat in Happy Daze eating a burger. A further (uneventful) bus journey saw them get to Didsbury, where Squirrel fell asleep in a chair for a change.

Saturday morning saw Squirrel awake in bed with little recollection of how he'd got there and with his sleeping T-shirt on inside out and back to front over the clothes he'd got back in the night before. G Man managed to get up and go to Harrogate, and Squirrel managed to get to work. By the time he'd sobered up, Kate had joined him and it was time to go to the pub again. They met with Kev in Albert Square and then went to the waterside Pitcher and Piano, where they met up with Naomi and Steve on her Farewell to England tour. Others joined them and they sat outside drinking for the rest of daylight hours. Just after 10 Kate and Kev went home, and after last orders the rest of the gathered wandered off to go home. However Squirrel had other ideas and yet again his bus journey home was interrupted by a stop in Fallowfield. Off the bus and straight into XS where a few drinks with the regulars and a look at what was on the dancefloor prompted him to go home, which he eventually did, only to fall asleep in the chair again, before dragging himself to bed at 6 in the morning.

Sunday saw Squirrel and Ricky Organ relaxing and doing absolutely fac all. G Man rang just after ten begging for a life as he was on the train journey from hell back from Leeds, as the train stopped at every little armpit and hell hole between Leeds and Manchester. How little did we know.

Monday was supposed to be an easy night, however G Man rang up and got Ricky Organ to stoke up the Barbecue as Amanda had insisted on one (and a barbecue). After some food they retired to his room, only for Daddy G to ring up with expert timing. Meanwhile Hopalong rang, and it was discovered the real train journey from hell actually starts in Swindon. A one PM journey start had progressed to Gloucester by ten, due to points problems caused by excessive heat. He was at least on a moving train by then on the way to Birmingham, where he eventually got a taxi back to Manchester (paid for by virgin) and arrived home at just after two in the morning. This is what you get for attending a festival of speed, "the longest delay I've ever seen on a virgin train", and that was a quote from a train employee.

Tuesday saw Ricky Organ's birthday, and with it Ricky Organ and Hopalong attacking the baby with gusto. Ricky Organ decided that playing poker on Yahoo was a good idea and was soon joined around the computer by G man and Hopalong. Who needs the casino (Viva Las Vegas) when you can gamble on line, as the night went on Hopalong put $200 in as stake money from his switch card and was $55 up when Ricky Organ persuaded him to cash in his initial $200, which he did, but it didn't take long for him to lose the $55.

G Man must think he's landed his ideal job, it was someone's birthday at his work on Wednesday, and therefore the place shut down at one and everyone went to the pub. Ricky Organ, with Melvin in tow were off to a barbecue, and made a fleeting stop at Chez Didsbury. After quite a few beers G Man managed to meet up with Amanda in the Clocktower and they headed off to her house. Some hours later they were interrupted by her boyfriend banging on the door and shouting slut through her letterbox. Ejected from the house quite quickly G Man arrived back at Chez Didsbury just before midnight without any keys, without his cash card, pissed and attendance at work the next day compulsory.

Thursday - another day, more drinking, after finding out that Amanda's boyfriend had threatened to get the bouncers at the Clock Tower to kick his head in he decided that meeting Hopalong for a few quiet ones in Sofa in Fallowfield was a good idea, just how G Man is managing to do a full week's work attendance on this kind of drinking schedule is anyone's guess. Furthermore, phone calls at eleven o'clock at night asking if a pin number for a credit card had arrived in that day's post is not a good sign, and would suggest that a trip to the casino (viva las vegas) was underway.

All in all it's been a tip top week.

The intercom clicked on, and the head hijacker came on the air. "Ladies and gentlemen, and any children on board, may I take this opportunity to welcome you to the beautiful island they call Greenland. I realise for most of you this is the first time you will have been here, and unfortunately this isn't going to be a sight seeing tour. On the journey in we have identified those passengers that can leave the aircraft, and one of your new style attendants will be around presently to escort you to the exit, where one of our helpful ground staff will escort you to the humble airport lounge. In about twenty minutes a 727 we have borrowed from Air Canada will be landing, whereas the passengers we want from that particular flight shall be transferred to this plane, and you will be flown on to Philadelphia as originally planned."

"However I regret to inform you that your luggage will not be joining you for some time yet, and I would like to apologise for the obvious inconvenience that this causes, but the 727 just doesn't have the luggage hold, and we have no staff available to sort out the luggage we remove from this plane."

"The rest of you are going nowhere for the moment, and further instructions will be issued once we have the rest of our guests. I will take this opportunity to remind everyone, that if you haven't been picked for your connecting flight do not attempt to force the issue. Any attempts to do so will meet with death. Do not be fooled by the fact that there has been no violence so far. The gentlemen with guns will have no problems terminating you, and the person next to you. Thank you for listening."

He sat bound in his seat and thought to himself just how many times the head hijacker had watched Under Siege and whether he based himself on Tommy Lee Jones. Despite himself he sat there laughing to himself again. He heard the passenger behind him tutting to himself, and sat there shaking his head.

His mind started kicking in and questions formed. The fact that there was another hijacked plane inbound, and that the hijacker had said that there were people from that flight they wanted, made him think. Just how many people on this particular flight were "wanted", and why? This was obviously a very slick operation, to hijack two flights within a couple of hours and take them to the same destination, and when they get there have more men on the ground meant that it was well planned, and well manned. He also wondered who was in charge overall. Was it the head honcho on this plane, was there a similar person on the other plane, or was there an overall boss man.

Furthermore he began to wonder what were the chances of these two particular flights having the exact people that this group wanted on them. How many people booked far enough in advance that they would appear on the passenger lists in enough time for them to put all this together. Certainly in his case he always bought single journey tickets, mainly because the way his job was there was no set time limits on when a job or client presentation would end, or even when new jobs would come up. For this flight he hadn't booked on until the previous evening, and in speaking to people over the years found that a lot of people on these kind of flights did the same.

With this in his mind he felt himself relax, as if a great weight had been taken off. His sense of foreboding that he had felt earlier on the flight just before landing seemed to be misplaced. There was no way that this hijacking had him as a particular target. He just hoped that he got the chance to speak to the two women that had so fried his mind early in the day.

The chosen passengers were disembarking, and if he leaned over he could see them walking over to the airport buildings, with a few men keeping them under observation. It seemed that they had only just got into the building when the Air Canada flight taxied in virtually next to his plane. Within moments of it coming to a halt the men on the ground had a set of steps up to the outside of it, ready for the wanted passengers to alight, ready for transfer to this plane.

Various – I have never…..

Ricky Organ - they were very nice, almost perfect.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Why is it that only ugly women go to KFC at chucking out time?

Broccoli - Why?

FANTA (acronym).

A one night stand. Stands for, Fuck and never touch again.

Sheila comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman. Sheila says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back." Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation." Sheila shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story." Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never wore, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me. I showed her to the door. She thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah. Sarah said, Cows have spots. Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport. Carla said, Computers are electronic. Bobby said, Urinate. Mrs. Flebs said, Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence. Bobby said, Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time and wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she was having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer and asked him for directions. "Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on the 54, it will take you right there." explained the officer. "Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop. Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again, and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus stop. The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told you that to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54, and it will take you right there. What are you still doing here?" "Oh don't worry officer." she replied. "It won't be long now. The 47th bus just went by."

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?" The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

A young man, who had recently moved out of his dorm and into a new apartment, was shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products, topped off by a lone food purchase, a large bag of potato chips. Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater."

Newlyweds Amanpreet and Judi were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be because Judi stood a good foot taller than Lizard Pecker. The counselor suggested, "Maybe you should try those special shoes with the built in lifts to help out Preet's ego." The next month, the counselor asked if things had improved in the love-making department. "Well," Judi sighed, "yes, but, those shoes sure get the sheets dirty."

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?" "Because if I only have 6 months to live, I want it to seem like the longest six months of my life!"

Sorry I was wrong, I could get worse predictions than the week before, but not even I can get worse. Therefore I predict that this weekend, someone will drink, someone will go out, someone will stay in, TV will be watched at some point and there are likely to be non residents visiting Chez Didsbury. Thanks for tuning in, more vague news next week. See y’all next week.

The abbey of St. Mary of the Meadows, more commonly known as Leicester Abbey, was founded in 1143, by the 2^nd Earl of Leicester, Robert le Bossu, for canons of the order of St. Augustine, and in the honour of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The canons rules were based on a letter written by St. Augustine, Bishop of Hippo in 423.

Built on land that stood between an ancient North running road to the east, and the River Soar, which then had a deeper bend and was faster flowing, to the west. Petronilla, wife of Robert Blanchmains, 3^rd Earl of Leicester paid for the nave in the church of the abbey, and a plait of a long cord of her hair, was presented to suspend one of the lamps in the choir of the abbey church. The church itself was completed before the end of the 12^th century.

The abbey was said to have been dedicated in 1279, but this must have been a re-dedication service, after it had gone through extensive expansion and rebuilding. During this time the patronage of the abbey had passed to the crown. Two chantries were founded and endowed in the abbey during the 14^th century, the first by John de Tours in 1323, and the second by Simon de Islip in 1352, and by 1500 the abbey owned vills of land in 171 parts of the country, and was the largest landholder in Leicestershire, it was second in terms of wealth for Augustine abbeys only to Cirencester.

The abbot from 1345-1378 was William de Cloune, during his abbotship the abbot’s hall and abbey gates were erected, and the north boundary wall was added, enlarging the abbey grounds. The abbot from 1496, John Penny, built new brick walls, and his initials can still be seen on them where they survive. His effigy was removed from the abbey at the dissolution, and can now be seen in the church of St. Margaret’s.

The canon’s however were becoming ill disciplined and were drinking heavily, and deserting their duties, and began to bring the abbey into disrepute and debt. In 1530 Cardinal Wolsey in hiding from the King Henry VIII arrived at the abbey in a poor state of health, and four days later died. He was buried in the abbey grounds, and in 1934 a monumental slab to his memory was laid in the grounds, close to the spot where it is said he was buried.

By the time of the dissolution of the monasteries in 1534, the abbey was heavily in debt, and all sorts of ornaments, plate and statues were sold off to clear this debt off, even so the running of the site was expensive, and so in 1539 the abbey was leased to Francis Cave of Stanford, and in 1550 it was granted to William Marquis, who in turn alienated it to Henry Hastings, Earl of Huntingdon in 1562, who built himself a mansion in the grounds using the materials from the abbey. In 1613 it passed to William Cavendish, Earl of Devonshire, and was used as the base for Charles I and his troops prior to the battle of Naseby. After their loss the royal troops, burned and ransacked the place, leaving the ruins, of which some remain today.

The rest were used to build the 19^th century house that stands in the ground today. Today, nothing remains of the original conventional buildings of the abbey, except for certain parts of the masonry, that have been incorporated into the reconstruction of the foundations that have been laid out in the grounds and that can be seen and walked through today. The entrance gate to the grounds that stands today, is not the original gate to the abbey, as is thought by many, but the reconstructed gateway to the house built by the Earl of Huntingdon in the 16^th century, called Cavendish house (though this name probably came later from the Earl of Devonshire), it is however probably that this gateway was actually built on the site of the original abbey gateway built by William de Cloune in the 14^th century. The large surrounding walls that form the north and west sides of today’s Abbey Park, are the original brick built walls built by John Penny in the late 15^th Century.

As well as the abbey, the grounds also have a large park area, with sports field, and a café to the west of the river, and to the east large grounds with an ornamental Chinese garden, boating lake, and miniature railway, which are a peaceful and pleasant area to walk through.

Here’s this week’s random review

Escape to victory. Just what the brain trusts that thought up the idea for this one were smoking at the time is anyone's guess, but I do know that I could do with some for those slack weeks. An escape from a prisoner of war camp, it worked with great effect in the great escape. Take the biggest upcoming American star of the time to star as the token yank (after Rocky and First blood, and before Rocky 2 and Rambo). Have Ming the merciless as a German army publicist and ex footballer setting up a POWs Vs German football match after seeing an ex England star in the camp (Michael Caine as a footballer!!!) Add in a smattering of international football greats such as Pele, Bobby Moore and Ossie Ardiles, add some other football players (John Wark, Russell Osman, Mike Summerbee - you get the idea) and you suddenly have a match in Paris. An escape is planned for half time by the French resistance (good job it wasn't the Italian resistance (I know that's an oxymoron) as they'd have changed their minds by half time and be helping the Germans to escape) which despite getting the shit kicked out of them in the first half the allied team fuck up by insisting they can go back out and win. Despite the attempts of a dodgy Swiss ref, they get back to equal the scores, and Stallone (probably the worst footballer ever to appear in a movie, and yes that does include Vinny) somehow saves a penalty in the last minute and pandemonium ensues as the French lead a pitch invasion (if only their army had taken a few hints from the crowd) and all the players escape in the melee. Utter cack, but the kind of cack that has you stuck to your seat in a disbelieving awe. It just leaves one question, what was John Huston thinking when he agreed to direct it.

First the answer from last week. Of course G Man is shorter, and the winner is an Amanda Hugnkiss from Fallowfield, Manchester who wins a packet of sweets.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is which weighs more, a tonne of lead or a tonne of feathers? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins 38 bananas.

TOTAL =

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 478