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Surerandomality Issue IV
Welcome to issue IV of Surerandomality, and yet again it’s getting bigger, and what a mad tip top week it’s been. Only brief highlights of which can be offered. No sleep again on Friday, time spent drinking and playing poker instead, lots of alcohol, dancing in XS, visitors turning up for G Man’s birthday weekend. Woke up Saturday morning to a bombsite, empty bottles, glasses with rum and baileys, poker chips in every room in the house, CD’s all over the place and what seemed like loads of dead bodies on most of the floors, in addition to which in the room where there was only Sarah asleep were three opened johnnies, none appeared to have been used, though the wearer may have been wankrupt, and one is still hiding under the stereo. Back in the pub at 2, Casino (Viva Las Vegas), Window shopping Amsterdam style with Ricky & Me Laird, home, drink, more dead bodies, Sunday pub lunch, home, drink, watch football, met dope dealing taxi driver, curry, pub, casino (Viva Las Vegas), home drink - finishing the rum and baileys, stay up and watch DVDs, and no work on Monday. Still didn’t manage to make Scubar. Respect to the birthday boy for managing to lose his passport and cash card in the women’s toilets in Bar 38 on Saturday, and then getting a phone call the next night from his dad asking had he lost anything while he was out last night. Well at least he got his passport and card back (after he’d already reported it lost). Lots of problems with trains meant extra long stays, including Wallace who spent an hour waiting for a train during which time he was chatting up a schoolgirl, before he got cold and came back. Lots of inspiration from the weekend plus reasonable contributions (except the last joke), So here it is.
Congratulations to Mike Dewhurst, who managed to struggle his way back to work on Tuesday for the first time since early August.
Congratulations also to Percion and Treisesla who despite bloodlines managed to get it together and exchange, and have laid 33 eggs between them (Percion 18 & Treisesla 15), may all their shells be strong.
Commiserations to the family of Christian Whiteley of Dunstable Kent, who choked on a piece of gravel this week. The Coroner has reported on the case and given a verdict of death by misadventure.
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted. Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!" Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
A camel and an elephant meet. The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?" The camel, clearly irritated, replies: "What a silly question from someone who has his dick on his face."
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" No. Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these," tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts, leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal, are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." "Why do you ask?" "Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway.”?
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. " He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. "Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
A couple of stories that have caught my eye this week
Upset volunteers at a breast cancer awareness event at the Market Place Shopping Center in Burgess Hill, Sussex, England, called police to report that someone had stolen a bra from their display. Security cameras showed a local youth had swiped it, and officers went to his house to confront him. As PC Jon Lelliott approached his open door, "I was amazed to see the youth stripped to the waist and parading round in this pink bra, having a laugh with his mates," he says. The teen-aged boy "had his back to the door where I was standing but, most embarrassingly, all his mates could see me. He was speechless when he turned round to see us there. I could barely keep a straight face." The officer let him off with a warning. - Just one question – Why? Unless, of course, it was to go with Ricky’s jumper.
A financial adviser fondled a woman’s client breasts after telling her she needed to pass a medical to get a mortgage. Gary Cawthorne, 39, allegedly unhooked the married 37 year old’s bra to check her heartbeat. He also got her to bend over and touch her toes at his office in Victoria, Central London, it was claimed. The woman said “he said it was procedure, I really thought that was how they did things, I know it sounds absurd” Cawthorne of Westminster, denies indecent assault at Middlesex guildhall Crown Court. The trial continues. - 2 things, she’s not exactly Mrs. Current affairs is she, any dumber and she’d have to be watered, and where do you sign up to be a financial advisor?
This week I’ll start with a Music Video review in tribute to the amount of time I’ve spent watching various music channels this weekend, followed by a few short reviews.
Lionel Richie – Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? Hardly, considering the girl in question in the video is fucking blind. Random old bloke with dodgy Afro and weird looking face keeps popping up stalking a young, supposedly blind female, who appears to be in college. Has this man been reported? Has this man no shame? To top it off she manages to have done a sculpture of the stalker’s head by the end of the video in what is a blatant rip off from an episode of Starsky and Hutch. Furthermore despite being able to feel the face she still doesn’t realise how weird the bloke looks. Freaky video, that’s funny when you’re pissed. 1/5
Blow – It sucks. 2/5
Hudson Hawk – Soars like an eagle. 5/5
The Gift – Wrap it up and send it back. 1/5
The Sting – Buzzing. 4/5
First of all last weeks winner. With an amazingly large piece of gravel fitted into his mouth the winner was Mr. Christian Whiteley of Dunstable, Kent, who managed an amazing piece of gravel with an average diameter of 4 inches and a length of 6 inches. The picture of it was top quality as well, as it was taken as part of his autopsy, where the piece of gravel was eventually removed from his mouth. It had already however choked him to death and therefore he will not be able to claim his prize. His grieving family have also refused the prize and are in fact in contact with their lawyers to see if they have a case to sue me for encouraging irresponsible behaviour.
Ho hum, well considering that, I have decided that this week’s competition should be something safer, and therefore to win I need to have the person who can stuff the most Marshmallows up their nose. In order to win they will need to have this verified by at least three other people. Normal closing date of Wednesday again this week. The prize this week is a copy of the DVD, Ghostbusters which features the Marshmallow man.
There is no difference between me and you, except: -
At the age of 1 my life begun, and just like the prodigal son I’ve returned, and I’m expressing with my full capabilities. That ladies love me, girls adore me, I mean even the ones that never saw me know that I’m the overweight loving her pro, and she say damn fly guy I’m in love with you, cos I’m six foot one, and I’m tons of fun and I dress to a tee. So I spent my time in plush hotels, cos I’m the locksmith, with the key to fame, and my lethal weapons my mind. If there is a problem, yo I’ll solve it, invite me to your house and I’ll be chilling like a resident, cos I play in the snow and don’t get cold, and it feels so empty without me.
You talk too much, you never shut up, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 13 months of a year is when you speak. You thought you had style, you thought you had grace, but you wouldn’t know class if it hit you in the face. You want to dance with a girl til the morning light, but you ain’t with it, Then you start to dream and think of how you danced on the disco scene, but you wake up Muttley, because you’re dreaming again. The whole neighbourhood knows you as a dumb ass that’s scared to kick reality, cos you’re weak, you’re wack, you need to quit you little punk bitch.
Grandmaster Melle Mel & the Furious Five – Step Off, Sugarhill Gang – Rappers Delight (4), House of Pain – Jump Around, NWA – Express Yourself (2), Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock – It takes two, Heavy D & the Boyz – Now that we’ve found love, Run DMC – King of Rock, Epmd – Strictly Business (2), Ice T – Lethal Weapon (2), Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby, Young MC – Know How, Jungle Brothers – Because I got it like that, Eminem – Without me, Run DMC – You talk too much, Grandmaster Flash – Style, Beatmasters Feat. Cookie Crew – Rok da House, Unique 3 – The Theme, Eminem – Guilty Conscience, NWA – Gangsta Gangsta.
Arsenal have been in the top flight continuously since the end of World War 1, when they were elected to the 1st division, despite finishing 6th in Division 2 the season before the war started.
Only once has there been more than one Queen of England in succession. And then there were three in Succession. Lady Jane Grey was queen for 9 days in 1553, and was usurped by Mary 1, who was in turn usurped by Elizabeth 1 in 1558, who died without issue in 1603.
Millipedes, despite the suggestion of their name do not have 1000 feet. In fact there are over 10,000 species of Millipede, that range from having just 24 feet, all the way up to having 750 feet.
If you were to put the tallest habitable building in the UK (Canary Wharf) on top of the 2nd tallest mountain in the world (K2) and stood on top, the top of Mount Everest would still be 5 foot above the top of your head (Based on being 6ft tall).
Docker's tea break (sim).
Descriptive of something very long. "Oh, what a tiny little man", laughed Veruca Salt as she saw the Oompah Lumpah. "He
may be small", cautioned Mr. Wonka as he turned briskly on his heel, "but he'll have a cock as long as a docker's tea break.") From 'Charlie and the chocolate sandwich', by Roald Dahl.
It came within a goal and a booking of the smug one getting another point deduction to prevent excessive head swelling, after managing to get 4 players with star man ratings in one weekend. Thankfully his midfield is still shit. His claims during the week that he should be top are spurious, not genuine and worth… fac all.
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Annual Table |
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Position |
Team |
Points |
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1st |
Free Transfer XI |
667 |
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2nd |
The Cherokee Hair Tampons |
661 |
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3rd |
Shhoooooottt!!! |
630 |
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4th |
Relegated By Christmas |
617 |
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5th |
Big Unit's Cherries |
597 |
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6th |
Cartman's Heroes |
579 |
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7th |
And Sergei Rebrov Wins The Golden Boot |
574 |
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8th |
Nottingham Saints |
563 |
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9th |
Bonus F.C. |
557 |
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10th |
Wednesday Wannabes |
555 |
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11th |
SMB Arsenal |
547 |
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12th |
Premiership Rejects |
512 |
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13th |
Heald Place Harriers |
506 |
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14th |
Steps Into Jansen's Ring |
496 |
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15th |
Geordies On Top |
477 |
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16th |
Helen Chamberlain's Body Stocking |
455 |
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17th |
Maine Road 1923-2003 |
452 |
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18th |
Banjo Wielding Strikers |
424 |
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Upto and Including 17th November |
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The postbag went berserk this week, and it’s taken me 2 whole days just to open all the e-mails and post. The response to the Save the Golf Ball Appeal is still going amazingly well, with the grand total now standing at £45.41, 3 second & 2 First class stamps, 17 euros, 75 US cents and 4 Luncheon Vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in.
In response to the letter from Par Seagle from Trondheim, Norway from last week’s issue, A Mr Belfry of Troon, Scotland writes, “It’s all very well knowing how many courses have a water hazard at the first hole, but if it was a new ball then it could have been taken from it’s box at any hole on any course”. A very valid point, which only goes to prove the difficulties that we face in trying to save the golf ball. Also on this issue Mrs Gillian Hollycroft of Tintagel, Cornwall, writes “What I think would help is, if we could give the golf ball a name, then it would be a nice personal touch, and perhaps people would emphasize with it more, rather than it just been called “The Golf Ball””. Again a very valid point, and therefore if people could send in suggestions for names then we could do a poll for the most popular suggestions.
Mr Jyoti Patel of Bradford, West Yorkshire writes “I think that in this day and age it is disgusting that bloodlines still determine who anyone can be with, and Quing Wateguy should buck it’s ideas up.” Thanks for the letter but as you can see from the announcements it would seem that this is now the case.
Mr Perrin of Hunstanton again sent correspondence, which appeared to be some kind of explosive device, but as has been the case with him all along, he’s an incompetent fuck and it didn’t explode. The offending article has been passed to the appropriate authorities, who have arrested Mr Perrin. If only he’d spoken to our next correspondent he could have avoided all this. Mrs Joan Stevenson of Leicester, Leicestershire writes “As an author of many books on the history of Leicester I can state that there have been 8 Earls of Leicester.” Therefore Mr Perrin as you had only sent in 7 it can be clearly seen that you were missing one.
After finally making it for curry, the withdrawal symptoms have reduced, however it looks likely that the Scubar withdrawal will stay another week, as, as I write it looks like the weekend is going to be a social whirl of house parties on both Friday and Saturday nights, which if ours was anything to go by, means it will get messy, with recovery on Sunday, especially with Spurs being on telly again, hopefully winning this week. See y’all next week.
To unsubscribe from surerandomality then please send an e-mail to surerandomality@hotmail.com naming all the Earl’s of Leicester and I’ll think about it. If you wish to make contributions to surerandomality then send them to the same address. Births, Marriages, Deaths and other important messages also considered. If you know someone who deserves to receive this shit then let me know. If you would like to receive back copies of surerandomality (hurry as stocks are running out) then please send a cheque or postal order for £5 per issue ordered made payable to Surerandomality UK to the following address Surerandomality UK, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP. If you wish to donate to the save the golf ball appeal then please send donations to the same address, but made payable to Surerandomality Golf Ball Appeal. Nominations for Name the Golf Ball to be Titled Golf Ball Name and sent to the same address. Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?
TOTAL = 6
CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 23