Blonde of the week was won by Blondie, despite intense competition on Friday, well after all it was national blonde day.

And congratulations to Mr Perrin who was released from Lincoln Prison on Tuesday, and therefore has not sent any correspondence this week.

Yes people, more letters, less sense, but what’s new there then, still don’t have blinkers so efficiency is still down, but shit, who cares, the view is good, suppose I should enjoy it while the weather makes it possible. And speaking of the weather, how fucking hot has it been? I’ll tell you exactly how hot, it’s been hot as a muthafucker in here, so here’s the letters, (literally) hot of the presses, all that I could string together before my keyboard melted.

Mr Thomas Dowting, from Rochdale, writes, "That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? Cyanide? You could kill people with that." Yes mate, that’s the whole idea

Meanwhile a Miss Bizzie Boddie, from Bristol, has the following contribution, "Has anyone else noticed that the suitcases people carry behind them unnecessarily on wheels are getting smaller? These people will soon be trailing their wallets on a pair of castors, turning us into a nation of Norman Wisdoms, as we all trip over them." Well, actually now that you come to mention it, no. And besides what’s wrong with wheels? Anyway a wallet on wheels wouldn’t last long would it? Some fucking scrounging big issue seller will be off with it, always assuming some pompous parking attendant hasn’t got it clamped in the meantime. Actually that would be quite amusing, the clamper will be going, sorry mate I can’t unclamp your wallet til you’ve paid the £60 quid fee. Irate wallet owner. Look you fucking imbecile, how can I pay you £60 when you’ve clamped my fucking wallet closed. I can’t unclamp you til you’ve paid. I can’t pay until you unclamp me. Ad infinitum.

Mrs Rose Garden, from Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, writes, "Who cares whether someone killed some baskets of flowers in some unknown little town. All it means is that we have a better chance of winning ourselves." Sorry about that, I was still laughing, Milton Keynes winning in bloom, what a joke, the only thing Milton Keynes is likely to win is concrete shithole of the year, and not even that’s certain, as it faces stiff competition from Bracknell and Basingstoke.

Yes people, I told you, it’s foreign correspondence time again, and first up this week is this offering from a Gerard Bombardil, from Algiers in Algeria, "Vous êtes le Monsieur Affaires pas Actuelles vous sont? Le "le Poisson Fâché" est allé fâché, et "Le Fusil" se tire. Maintenant je ne veux pas mettre une balle dans votre face, mais si vous ne nous donnez pas *exactement que nous voulons, il y aura des meurtres. C'est une allumette emballant non autorisée. Ne ce pas est une compétition chatouillant. Ces garçons seront obligé à endommager hors chaque autre.!" Don’t think I’ve not thunk that they may be taking the piss, but what can you do.

Meanwhile, Maria Gonzalez from Tijuana, Mexico writes, "Usted no es Señor los Asuntos Actuales son usted? El "Pez Loco" fue loco, y "El Fusil" se disparó. Ahora yo no quiero poner una bala en su cara, pero si usted no nos da *exactamente lo que queremos, habrá los asesinatos. Es un igual no autorizado que encajona. No es un cosquilleando la competencia. Estos muchachos están fuera lastimar uno al otro." Did you understand a single word of what she just said. Muppets, it was a rhetorical question.

Back to English for our last letter, and a Mr Analre Tentive, from Sheffield, who moans, "Way to go to the press for revealing Sirius Black’s secret identity in the new Harry Potter movie. That’s like the time a mate of mine ruined titanic for me by saying "You know it sinks in the end, don’t you?"" No shit! In reality, who cares, oh for those who haven’t found out and were trying to keep it as a surprise, it’s Gary Oldman.

Finally an appeal, over the last few weeks I’ve been short of ideas of who to abuse, so if you could write in with suggestions or perhaps a few rants then that would be great.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Ray Vogt, 42, of Albany, N.Y., gave his 43-year- old girlfriend a special evening complete with candles, wine and a bubble bath. During the bath, he told her to close her eyes for a surprise. But she opened them quickly when she heard him turn on her blow dryer and toss it into the tub with her. Thanks to the GFI plug in the bathroom the power shut off and she was not electrocuted, so Vogt tried to strangle her, telling her "it'll only take a minute." She escaped and called police. Vogt's motive: he was having an affair with his girlfriend's 15-year-old niece. He pleaded guilty to attempted murder and was sentenced to 18 years in prison. The woman, who was not named by the press, said she had lived with Vogt for 11 years, and thought of him as her husband. - If at first you don’t succeed, try again, and if you fuck it up then there’s no hope for you.

Two officers from the Rochester, N.H., Police Dept. stopped to get a snack when an older man started choking on his snack: a chocolate glazed donut with sprinkles. Officer Anthony Macaione administered a Heimlich to the man, whose face was "turning an alarming shade of deep red," Officer Anthony Bossi says. "We asked him if he wanted an ambulance, but he said no. He sat for a while, and then finished off his doughnut." Bossi was careful to point out that they were at a dual-outlet shop, and weren't there to get a stereotypical donut. "We were on the Baskin-Robbins side," he says. - Only cos they were lost.

1. The Godfather
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. The Godfather II
4. Schindler’s List
5. Casablanca
6. Lord of the Rings : The Fellowship of the Ring
7. Citizen Kane
8. Shinchinin no Samurai
9. Star Wars
10. Lord of the Rings : The Two Towers

Another Friday came along and in a regular occurrence Squirrel was out straight from work, this time for Kol’s birthday. Meanwhile Hopalong was in Cheltenham to meet up with Mary, and the remaining residents of Chez Didsbury were emptying the baby and contemplating going out. Back to town, and the slug and lettuce, where Squirrel, Kate and Kol decided that it was too pricey and moved next door to Churchills, they were joined by Steve and Leon, and then moved on to the Rembrandt. Meanwhile Wes was out drinking in Chorlton, and arranged to meet Squirrel in XS later. After a stop in Baa Bar for shooters the townies moved onto Spirit, and the Chez Didsbury residents had moved into Didsbury and the normal stop of the Dog and Partridge. They too arranged to meet Squirrel in XS, therefore Squirrel left town to move onto Fallowfield. Back at the dog the regular pisshead was just warming up for his latest virtuoso performance of singing and dancing with a full pint balanced on the top of his head. However the performance never got started as some dick of a rugby player flattened him with a wheelie bin (having a wank). XS saw Squirrel there, but no sign of anyone else. Wes had gone to the Orange Grove to play pool as XS was a bit dead, and the Chez Didsbury residents had gone home. Undeterred Squirrel carried on drinking and dancing til chucking out time, and Wes couldn’t get back into XS at 1 cos it was crammed.

Saturday saw much lounging at Chez Didsbury, and when Squirrel arrived back from work, G Man, Ricky Organ and the Chemist were going out to the comedy store. From the comedy store they moved on to the casino (Viva Las Vegas), where it was a fairly low key night by normal standards, there again there wasn’t any Hopalong so that might help explain things. G Man lost a tenner, Ricky Organ was £25 up and the Chemist was £30 up, so not bad overall.

Sunday saw Squirrel working again, and saw G Man, Ricky Organ and the Chemist off on a road trip for the afternoon, with a stop in the Lake District, and at Morecambe, before Ricky Organ’s car suddenly cut out at 80 on the motorway. More laziness followed, and after only two hours worth of train delays Hopalong made it back from Cheltenham. The week seems to have blurred together, with not a lot being done except lounging in front of the TV. Wednesday saw Hopalong escape on a corporate golf day, which he managed to win, and after the five a side football saw the residents sit round talking shit and abusing people until the early hours. Thursday saw Ricky Organ off on another work jolly, this time to Vancouver, and it also saw another temporary resident arrive at Chez Didsbury.

It’s been one of those weeks when you know there have been amusing things said, it’s just not possible to put your finger on exactly who and when and in what context.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

How come a pizza delivery will get to your house quicker than an ambulance?

Why is a star shape so called when stars are spherical?

Clown’s Pie (n).

A very, very wet fanny. "Finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmoral, Her Majesty bade me descend to her lady garden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown's pie". (From "The memoirs of Queen Victoria's Ghyllie" by John Brown).

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week. A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Judi called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Amanpreet and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Judi. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.'' So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." ''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life." "Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God." God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case." As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "But teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."

It was Amanpreet's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!" He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?" Lizard Pecker asked the messenger boy. "No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore." "I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?" "Sorry." "Please," begged Preet. "Today's my birthday." "Oh, all right," said the boy, "Dah-dah dah... dah-dah-dah, your sister Rose is dead!"

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? Halfway.

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

My Mother-in-Law once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Nothing major planned for a change. Ricky Organ is in Vancouver, G Man is off to Harrogate with Amanda, Squirrel is likely to be working, which leaves Hopalong and the Chemist to continue their relentless attack on the baby. The monotony may be altered by the possible arrival of another temporary resident to Chez Didsbury, but you never can tell what’s going to happen. See y'all next week.

This was the first railway to be established in Leicestershire, and was in the planning stage even before the Liverpool - Manchester line had started running. It was planned with the help of George and Robert Stephenson, at a meeting in February 1829. The required Act of Parliament was passed on 29/05/1830 and work on the line was started in the October of the same year.

The Leicester Station and terminus was built on the land of the old St. Augustine friars on the west of the river and the recreated station can still be seen in the rally gardens at the Bow Bridge end of Tudor Road. The Platform has been rebuilt and the "West Bridge" sign added on the platform. The Station was opened to Goods and passengers on 17/07/1832, but the platform wasn’t added until 1876, and this is the same at many of the stations on the line. In 1893 the station was moved to another part of the site.

The line originally ran to Desford with stations at Glenfield and Ratby, to get to Glenfield, the Glenfield tunnel was built which runs for just over a mile, and was narrow by today’s standards, and therefore only allowed certain types of engines to get through it. The line was extended to Coalville in April 1833, and then to Swannington in the November, although this part was for Goods only. In 1845 the line extended to Burton-on-Trent, and was opened up to passengers.

However in 1848 a link line was built from Knighton Junction on the Midland Railway to Desford, and then the Midland railway took the Leicester and Swannington Railway over. From the start of August 1849 passenger services to and from Burton on Trent now ran via this link line and into the Campbell Street Station on the Original Midland Line. Local services between Desford and the West Bridge station continued until September 1928, Ratby Station was closed in 1954, and in May 1966, the line was closed to all traffic.

Here’s this week’s random review

Something did leap out and grab my attention whilst watching TV over the weekend, and it was adverts, but I’ve slept since then and now can’t remember what it was that caught my attention. I think Alzheimer's is kicking in, and I think I should carry a pen and pad around at all times.

First the answer from last week. The correct number of days that someone had been on earth if it was their 40^th birthday last Friday is 14611, unsurprisingly not one of you morons out there got this right, and therefore the prize of a bottle of 20/20 rolls over for this week’s prize

For this week’s competition, all I want is, what was the name of the team that won last year’s fantasy football? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins that bottle of 20/20.

TOTAL = 19

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 560