Blonde of the week was retained by Blondie, mainly due to an absence of competition for half the week.

Keep your eyes peeled for special announcements regarding plans for the first birthday of Surerandomality.

Good luck to Kate, who escapes from her current job today, after what seems like forever, in search of pastures new

Commiseration's to the family of Mr Thomas Dowting from Rochdale who died of cyanide poisoning last week.

Lot's of letters, many random thoughts, lots of jam taken from lots of people's doughnuts. However the chances of anything being interesting or us understanding a single word anyone says are spurious and worth fuck all.

Mr Norman Fletcher, from Slade in Cumbria, (as opposed to the 70's group Slade) writes, "Stop having letters about flowers, otherwise you will have to be dealt with." That sounds like hostility to me, and we don't like hostility, do we?

Meanwhile Miss Fiona Grant from London writes, "It’s about time this big kid grew up and took some responsibility for his actions." Now just who the fuck she's on about I don't know, but I don't really care either, in fact fac off, let whoever it is do what they want, and don't be such a judgmental bitch.

Some kraut writes, "Wenn ich einem Hund einen Knochen werfe, will ich nicht wissen, wenn es gut oder nicht schmeckt. Und, wenn Sie je mich während ich laufe unterbrechen, werde ich Ihr fucking jacobs ab schneiden ist. Ein moissanite ist ein künstlicher Diamant, Lincoln. Es ist Mickey Maus, Mann. Falsch. Nicht echt. Und es ist wert.. Fuck alle. Sie sind gonna Probleme immer hat, die einen Körper in einem Stück aufheben. Anscheinend ist das beste Ding, zu machen, auf eine Leiche in sechs Stücke geschnitten und ist es alle zusammen angehäuft." From what? Ze Germans. It would appear so.

From somewhere near the arctic circle comes this spiel from Trine Hattenstall, "De kaller meg Susan om det lager De glad. Sett seg og lukk opp, De stor, skallet fuck. Jeg liker ikke forlater mitt land Doug, og I spesielt liker ikke forlater det for noe som helst mindre da sandete strander, og cocktailer med liten stråhatter! De viser meg hvordan styre en vill fucking sigøyner og I'll I' ll viser De hvordan styre en unhinged, som plugg tilførsel gangster!" Yes missis, you told us. Next

A Bill Bob Peterson, from Montana USA writes, "Can anybody tell me why the chocolate bar Topic is so called? I really want to know as it seems like a really strange and irrelevant name for a chocolate bar." Why? Why would anyone on earth care why it is called topic.

Finally an appeal, over the last few weeks I’ve been short of ideas of who to abuse, so if you could write in with suggestions or perhaps a few rants then that would be great.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

After his arrest, Eric Borecky, 32, told jurors at his trial that he was not trying to expose himself to children at a school in Ukiah, Calif. No, said the man with at least one previous arrest for lewd conduct, he had parked across from the school to change his shorts during the morning while students were being dropped off. And, well, he wasn't wearing underwear. So then, see, he has struggling to pull the shorts up, which was hard because they were too small, when he ...um... fell asleep from exhaustion, and that's when the police found him with his pants around his ankles. "Somewhere in this struggle to get these shorts on you fell asleep?" asked an incredulous Deputy District Attorney Marianna Lehr. Yes, Borecky says, and oh, it was just a "coincidence" that there was a backpack full of smut magazines in his car, as well as a tube of "personal" lubricant. Jurors didn't buy Borecky's story and convicted him of lewd conduct and indecent exposure.

William Pollen, 44, of London, Ont., Canada, says he is "a little embarrassed and a little ashamed" after pleading guilty to forcible entry and property damage. It started when he got to the back door of a house and found it locked. He pounded on it and demanded to be let in. The woman who lives there ran out the front and called the police. When officers arrived, they found the back door smashed in and Pollen inside the house taking off his clothes. "He thought he was home," said his lawyer. "He was getting ready for bed." But the house wasn't his. "I wish I could apologize to the people I did it to," says Pollen, who admits he was drunk at the time. "But I'm not allowed on that street." - Why am I reminded of Soton Mark?

1. Wolverhampton Wanderers 40%
2. Bolton Wanderers 19%
3. Manchester City 16%
4. Arsenal 13%
5. Aston Villa 12%
6. Leicester City 12%
7. Liverpool 12%
8. Chelsea 11%
9. Birmingham City 10%
10. Charlton Athletic 10%

Another Friday came along and in a regular occurrence Squirrel was out straight from work, This time with Kate, Steve, Garden and Dale in the Rising Sun (surprising some who thought I was just another humdrum). Kate and Steve went off to meet Kev, Steve and others, before returning to the Rising Sun (surprising some who thought I was just another humdrum) and then heading off to the Morrissey night at the Star and Garter. Squirrel, Garden and Dale returned to Chez Didsbury, where Garden got changed before going out for the weekend with Dale. Squirrel got changed while the rest of the residents present, plus Amanda, were lounging at the bottom of the estate drinking. He then went to meet Tessa in Kro2 where they caught up before heading to XS to meet Wes and Hopalong. Lots of alcohol later, they staggered out of XS and got a taxi back to Tessa's new pad. Wes came in, sat down, got up and left. The rest started drinking wine and crashed out.

Saturday morning was bright and warm, and after finally managing to drag Hopalong from his slumber Tessa drove him and Squirrel back to Chez Didsbury where they had breakfast on the lawn. Meanwhile G Man had headed off to the Lake District with Amanda. Saturday was hot as fuck and apart from a trip to the bookies there wasn't much motion in Chez Didsbury, except to open the baby, and throw the occasional dart. The Chemist opened the football season successfully winning on two lines on his betting slip, and pizza hut all round was ordered.

Sunday saw the same lack of motion with another fried breakfast and football watching. G Man and Amanda returned from their weekend away, and nobody was really up for much DVD viewing. Just before lights out, Garden returned from her weekend. Monday saw some motion, with Squirrel and Garden going to see Terminator 3, The Chemist going into Didsbury with Phil, and Amanda turning up at Chez Didsbury at a very late hour. Tuesday was back to no motion with the most interesting visitor being a Hedgehog (oh yeah Amanda came round again). It was decided to feed the Hedgehog with milk, which Hopalong put at the wrong end. It was pointed out that milk shouldn't be fed to hedgehogs, as their digestive systems haven't got used to dairy products yet. Wednesday saw Hopalong off to Bracknell for a very interesting finance meeting, and Garden out with Dale, which left Squirrel, G Man and The Chemist to watch the football again.

Thursday however could have got messy. Garden was out with Dale again. Hopalong returned from Bracknell, and immediately rounded up G Man and headed to the pub where they were joined later by Squirrel, who had every intention of hitting 5th Ave.

Yeovil fans after going 3-1 up on Saturday. (In a west country accent to the tune of Go west) - Ooh Aaah, it’s a massa-car

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."

A group of frogs is called an army.

Why did we help France in two world wars?

Can blind people see in their dreams?

Furgal (n / v).

1. Christian name of the undertones lead singer. 2. To copulate rudely, crudely or noisily.

"I met my wife at a singles' bar." "Really?" "I thought she was home with the kids."

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy said, "You got a deal." The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.   She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see  you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.  Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.'''' Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0'''' Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars." "Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

Friday sees G Man supposedly having a golf lesson straight from work, and it also sees the return from his latest journey of Ricky Organ. Meanwhile Hopalong reaches his payday which normally means things will get messy. Elsewhere Kate is celebrating her escape by going out straight from work, which means that Squirrel will be drinking straight from work again. Bets are not being taken on the likelihood of him making it to XS. Saturday sees the start of the premiership, and therefore fantasy football kicks in in earnest. Lounging on Sunday is probably a good bet. See y'all next week.

Leicestershire seems to have been populated from approximately 70,000 to 100,000 years ago with hand axes been found at Ratcliffe on the Wreake and Flint slates been found at Wanlip.

Due to archaeological finds it can be ascertained that the City of Leicester has been occupied for over 5000 years, as there have been occasional discoveries of stone axes and other finds. Tiny flint blades (microliths) of Mesolithic hunters dated from approximately 4000BC have been found at Leicester and also at Stoney Stanton and Burrough on the Hill. Groups of flint implements have been found at Ratcliffe on the Wreake, and an Iron Age camp was established at Breedon on the Hill. Neolithic axes have been found at Glenfield and Sharnford, and axe hammers from the same period have been found at Leicester, barrow on Soar, Ratcliffe on the Wreake, Whitwick and Goadby Marwood. In ancient English tradition it is said that King Lear held his court in Leicester, which would have been about 600BC

Leicester would have been occupied by the ancient Briton tribe called the Coritani (or Corieltauvi), and it’s position would have come about due to fords across the River Soar at the points that are now crossed by the West and Bow Bridges, and it would probably have been the tribe’s Civitas capital, or capital city, with about one - two hundred people living in the locality. Even so there doesn’t appear to be a name given to the settlement until the arrival of the Romans in or just after 43AD, when the name of Ratae Coritanorum (or Corieltauvorum) was applied.

Within the County there were substantial ancient settlements at Lockington, Loughborough, Glen Parva and Harston. Furthermore hill forts had been established at Breedon Hill, Beacon Hill and Burrough Hill, and it is thought possible that there may have been hill forts at both Life Hill near Billesdon and Robin-a-Tiptoe near to Tilton.

What is also certain is that the Ancient Britons had developed a large number of trackways throughout the county. One of these was the original Fosse Way, which ran virtually north - south through the County with Leicester in the middle. The part to the north of Leicester was adapted by the Romans, and exists today as the A46, the part to the south forms the route of the A426. From east to west through the northern part of the county ran the Salt Way, which crossed the Fosse Way at Six Hills, and forms the B675 today. The road to the East of Six Hills was adapted by the Romans. Along the North-eastern border of the county ran the Sewstern Lane, which the Romans again adapted and made into their Ermine Way, which today forms the route of the A1. Running east from Leicester and out into Rutland and beyond was an unnamed track, which roughly follows the route of the current day A47. Running from north to south through the east of the county coming in near where Bottesford is today and running through Melton Mowbray and Tilton and leaving the county near where Market Harborough is today was another track which today’s B6074 follows the route of. Besides these track there were numerous other minor tracks, and upon these were a number of minor settlements, which were called trackway foci. These have been found to have existed at Copt Oak, Hunter’s Hill, Anstey, Barrow upon Soar, Mowmacre Hill, Belgrave, Syston, Queniborough, Link Hill, Melton Mowbray, Croxton Kerrial, Tilton, The Coplow (Billesdon), Three Gates, Houghton, Kibworth, and Husbands Bosworth.

Here’s this week’s random review

Straw Dogs. Serious Sunday night film contender, with most of the ingredients for wrongness. Dodgy locals, a la deliverance or the wicker man, bizarre deaths, sex and violence means that you forget that it stars Dustin Hoffman.

First the answer from last week. Last year's winning team in the fantasy football was called Relegated by Xmas, (which was blatant false advertising), the winner of a bottle of 20/20 is a Miss Kelly Wood, from Darlington.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, In the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, which two mammals are more intelligent than humans on earth? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a set of the 5 books that make up the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy trilogy.

TOTAL =

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 560