Blonde of the week was won by Seeks for the first time ever.

Keep your eyes peeled for special announcements regarding plans for the first birthday of Surerandomality.

Congratulations to Jayne who celebrated her 24^th Birthday on Monday.

Initially I would have been tempted to suggest that it has been a normal week's post, but upon closer inspection it hasn't at all. If I take out anything relating to fantasy football, and those letters that have come flooding in on the topic (pun intended) of chocolate bar names, then the overall post this week has been a bit sparse, but such is life. Anyway let's not stand on ceremony, on with the show.

James Walsh from Leeds, West Yorkshire writes, "Have you ever wondered how long it would take you to count to a million?" Well now you come to mention it, no. Why on earth would I want to do such a thing, as if I haven't got enough to deal with without having to count up to a million?

Meanwhile Miss Martine Fowler from The Elephant and Castle in London writes, "Why do malteasers from a box always taste better than malteasers from a bag?" I don't know, and furthermore I really don't give a shit, as I really have better things to worry about than how malteasers taste compared to other malteasers.

Manuel Martinez from Buenos Aires, Argentina writes, " Ahora, dicks tiene la campaña y la claridad de la visión, pero ellos no son hábiles. Ellos huelen coño y ellos quieren un pedazo de la acción. Y usted lo pensó olió algún coño viejo bueno, y ha traído sus dos pelotas pequeñas de haz de leña de mincey por por un tiempo viejo bueno. Pero usted ha obtenido sus partidos mutilados arriba. No haya ningún coño aquí, apenas una dosis que lo hará desea que usted nazca a una mujer. Como un pincha, usted tiene las dudas. Usted se encoge, y sus dos pelotas pequeñas se encogen con ya. El hecho que usted ha obtenido "Copia" anotó el lado de su fusil. (Retira su fusil) Y el hecho que he obtenido "Aguila de Desierto señala cinco O" escrito en el lado mío, debe precipitar sus pelotas a encoger, junto con su presencia. Ahora.. ¡Joda lejos!" Now whatever he may be claiming, they are spurious, not geniune and worth fuck all.

Meanwhile some greasy pasta chomping spic writes, " E lei ha preso i suoi sei pezzi, lei il gotta si sbarazza di loro, perché è l'esso di lasciare no buono nel gelo profondo per la sua mamma di scoprire, quando adesso è? Poi sento la cosa migliore per fare è l'alimentazione loro ai maiali. Lei ha preso per morire di fame i maiali per alcuni giorni, poi la vista di un corpo di tritato su somiglierà al curry a un pisshead. Lei il gotta rade le teste delle sue vittime, e tira il teeth fuori per il beneficio del piggies' la digestione. Lei potrebbe fare questo successivamente, certo, ma lei non vuole andare passa al setaccio attraverso lo shit di maiale, lo fa adesso? Passeranno attraverso l'osso come il burro. Lei ha bisogno di almeno sedici maiali di finire il lavoro in un sedere, dunque è prudente di qualunque uomo che tiene una fattoria di maiale. Passeranno attraverso un corpo che pesa 200 libbre in di otto minuti. Ciò significa che un maiale solo può consumare due libbre di carne di uncooked ogni minuto. Quindi l'espressione, "avido come un maiale." Did you understand a single word of what they've just said? No don't answer it was a rhetorical question.

Meanwhile a Robert Drew, from Norwich, Norfolk writes, "For the last two weeks you have put in your fantasy football section that you would be including the documents needed for us to enter the fantasy football, and what have we seen attached to the last two issues? Absolutely fuck all. I don't care how much of a busy little bastard you've been, it's not fucking good enough. Furthermore the web site seems to be a bit of a shambles with lots of links being dead and lots not having been updated. While I'm at it, there's also……." At this point I was coming to a case of terminal depression. Shit, who the fuck took the jam out of your doughnut. Yes there has been a lack of attachments to the last couple of issues, but everyone else has managed to circumnavigate that particular problem successfully. As for the web site, you're not exactly Mr current affairs are you, if you actually read the introduction to each issue then you would see that this is a known issue and it is in the process of being rectified.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the postbag then who do we get correspondence from, but that waste of space and time Mr Perrin. Now back in the public at large he's sent in a short (for him anyway) letter of only 4 pages saying that he now has a better outlook on life since his release from incarceration, and yet again begging for a position on the staff at Surerandomality. Well there's two hopes of that and Bob's dead now.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

When a Wells Fargo Bank branch in Ft. Worth, Texas, was robbed, the note the robber handed the teller asking for money was neatly typed. Sure it was typed on the back of Frederick McDowell's resume, but he had carefully covered up his personal information with a sheet of black construction paper. "Problem is, he forgot to take the note with him," said police Sgt. Kevin Morton. The resume noted McDowell, 32, had a high school diploma and had clerical experience. Police quickly caught up with him and charged him with the robbery. - Right find the silly sod who blagged the bank, find them today.

During his recent trip to Botswana, President George W. Bush went out into the bush -- on a photo safari. Stopping to view a group of elephants munching on an acacia tree, the president and his entourage were treated to a different sort of display: one of the males tried "a reproductive attempt" with a female, as a game warden in the group explained it. After telling the story to reporters, Secretary of State Colin Powell was asked if the elephants, the symbol of the Republican Party, were "on message". Powell confirmed that "the elephants were on message." - On message? That's a new one. Yes mate, were you on message last night? What? Did you understand a single word of what you just asked me?

1. China 3,625,012,000
2. USA 1,720,000,000
3. Indonesia 1,000,000,000
4. Brazil 950,000,000
5. Mexico 476,000,000
6. India 402,000,000
7. Russia 340,000,000
8. Japan 298,000,000
9. France 232,970,000
10. Iran 230,000,000

Another Friday came along and unsurprisingly it saw Squirrel in the pub straight from work, though slightly later than normal due to a few minor problems. When he eventually got to Simple in the city he met up with Kate, Kev, Steve and others, though most left not long afterwards. Meanwhile the remaining residents of Chez Didsbury were having a grolsch extravaganza at home. At closing time Squirrel, Kate and Kev got the bus back towards Fallowfield, though Kate and Kev got off and went home leaving Squirrel to go to XS by himself. After a few pints whilst chatting to the XS regulars, some random female came over and started talking to Squirrel. After a few more pints, Squirrel accepted the offer to go back to her bedsit for a coffee. Once there, and in normal light, she seemed to be less certain that it was a good idea and taking the hint, Squirrel left rapidly, and proceeded to walk all the way up Burnage lane to Chez Didsbury, where on arrival he was surprised still to find life. Hopalong and Ricky Organ were still up and about drinking grolsch and choosing fantasy teams. One by one they went to bed until Squirrel finally managed to find his pit at about half seven in the morning.

Saturday saw Squirrel somewhat unsteadily weave his way into work before midday, before not long after leaving to go and meet Kate in the Friendship. Ricky Organ had got up and met Jayne to go down to Birmingham for the weekend. G Man met up with daddy G and baby G to go and watch the football. After the friendship Squirrel got back to Chez Didsbury to watch the results come in with Hopalong and the Chemist, and were joined by Wes. When G Man returned from the football they sat drinking and discussing going out, until they eventually got a move on between Simpson's episodes and got ready before heading to the Parrswood to play pool. The Chemist left early complaining of weariness, and the remaining three walked into Didsbury and got a bus into Fallowfield and headed to XS. After much drinking and dancing they headed to Abdul's in what would normally be considered a textbook manoeuvre. However once in there G Man got involved in a scuffle with one of the other customers and punches were exchanged. This calmed down and they left to get transport home. Hopalong was calming things with the other scuffler, and G Man and Squirrel were stood by the side of the road, when 4 random Muppets came over and started beating on G Man, as soon as Squirrel pulled or pushed one off then another took their place until someone from XS came over at which point the 4 Muppets disappeared as quickly as they had appeared. After statements to the police it was off to MRI to have a look at the damaged state of G Man's head. Once there the long wait began. Squirrel wandered off and was found wandering aimlessly by the security guard and pointed back in the right direction. At half 6 G Man gave up hope of being seen and they got a taxi back to Chez Didsbury.

Sunday saw the minimal movement possible, with watching football, eating pizza and lounging the order of the day. Ricky Organ arrived back from Birmingham and was quickly drawn in. The working week saw G Man take most of the week off to recover. Monday saw another opportunity to lounge and watch football, with Ricky Organ out with Jayne for her birthday, and The Chemist out to meet up with Phil at the Didsbury. Tuesday saw Jayne come round for a bit, The Chemist out again at the Didsbury again, this time with James, and more football viewing. Wednesday saw Football being played by some and watched by the others, and general sleep deprivation causing the Chemist to hallucinate and to claim that he'd seen a white horse while playing football. Thursday saw Squirrel take a rare day off work, which he used constructively by meeting Kate in the Friendship for a few drinks. The evening saw very little motion from anyone, somewhat of a recurring theme.

There once was an elephant called Clive. He was good friends with a chicken called Jeminah. They had known each other for a couple of years.

Then one day they had an argument. No one knows how it started, but they called each other names, with both of them getting madder as the argument went on. Then Clive used his trunk and squirted Jeminah with water. Jeminah retaliated by rushing up to Clive and pecking him.

Clive felt the slight sting of the pecking and was annoyed. He waited til Jeminah stopped pecking and then stamped on her.

The argument was over and the vultures had something to eat. Clive moved on and became friends with a hyena called Trevor.

Hopalong - Are you alright?

G Man - Yes Mate, I'm Tip Top, I'm just not sure about the colour of my eye.

The Chemist (In the lounge of Chez Didsbury) - Where's the telly?

Elephants are the only animals in the world that can't jump.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Why do elephants only come in grey?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Elephants (adj. rhyming slang).

Drunk. From elephant's trunk.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butterdish.

Why did the chicken cross the road (again)? Cos the light was on green.

How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge? More footprints in the butterdish.

Why did the turkey cross the road? Cos it was the chicken's day off.

How do you get four elephants out of a red mini? The same way you got them in.

Why did Colonel Sanders cross the road? Cos he wanted that chicken.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge? You can't close the door.

Why did the punk cross the road? Cos he was stapled to the chicken.

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why did the camel cross the road? Cos it was the chicken's day off and the turkey was on holiday.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge? There's a red mini parked outside.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross back again? Cos it was a dirty double crosser.

Why did the elephant use the telephone? Cos it wanted to make a trunk call.

Why did the pervert cross the road? Cos he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.

How do you know if there are four elephants up a tree? There's a red mini parked underneath it.

The bank holiday weekend sees people with an extra day off work, but that's about all I can tell you for certain. People are going to be doing things, other people are quite likely not to be doing anything, and there are likely to be visitors to Chez Didsbury. Rumour is that a lot of people are off the alcohol for the weekend, but we've all heard that before, and it normally leads to things getting very messy. See y'all next week.

Built by Henry, 1^st Duke of Lancaster in 1349, it stood on the site of what is today the De Montfort University’s Hawthorn building. Two of the original arches from the church are maintained and can be seen in the basement of the building. It was said that the church was the finest of all the medieval churches in Leicester. It was built to house a precious thorn given to Henry by the King of France. The thorn is said to have come from Jesus’ crown of thorns. The church was disbanded by the reformation in 1548, and left to decay, and robbed for stone.

A Saxon church originally, it stood on St. Clement’s Lane which was said to run from Black Friars to what was then High Street (now Highcross Street). Ceded to Leicester Abbey in 1143, it was transferred to Black Friars in 1226, the only later mention of it is in 1331, and the site seems to have gone by 1526, by which time the parish had merged into All Saints.

Has the distinction of being destroyed twice, once during medieval times, and again after the parish was reformed in Victorian times, in the 20^th century. The ancient church was built in Norman times, and was ceded to Leicester Abbey in 1143. It was positioned close to the North Gate of the ancient town. By 1517 the chancel had fallen into disrepair, and from 1518 the lights were no longer maintained. In 1523 the parishioners sued a Lancelot Metcalf for removing seats without permission, and by 1526 the furnishings were very dilapidated, from 1530 there was no vicar and the Bishop of Lincoln was asked for permission to demolish the church. This was never granted, and in the early 17^th century the aisle roof collapsed, and although some repairs were started in 1642, the building was virtually destroyed by Fairfax’s army during the siege of Leicester soon after, due to it’s tower and position by the north bridge. By this time the parish had been merged in with All Saints.

Attempts had been made to resurrect the parish in the early 19^th century, but attempts in 1815, and by W. Adams in 1839 never got off the ground. However in 1870 the land surrounding the churchyard was bought, and a school was started, and from 1874 the school was used as a parish church. In 1876-77 a new church was built by F.W. Ordish, and it was to be expanded by increasing the North Aisle, and building a morning chapel, however this work was never undertaken. The parish withered again during the 20^th century, and the church was closed in 1981, and demolished in 1983.

Said to have been near the west gate, probably on the corner of Vauxhall Street and Causeway Lane, a Norman church, ceded into Leicester Abbey in 1143, a poor parish by the late 15^th century, not helped by the sack of Leicester in 1173 following the rebellion against the King by the 3^rd Earl of Leicester, Robert Blanchmains, and the subsequent migration from the area. Had lost it’s vicar by 1487 and it is not even mentioned in the 1510 visit of the bishop, and had been merged into the parish of St. Peter’s by this stage. In 1593 the site was conveyed to the town clerk.

On the corner of West Bond Street and St. Peter’s Lane, would have been this Saxon church. Ceded to Leicester Abbey in 1143, it was the site of a murder in 1306, when on Christmas Eve the clerk (Simon the Welshman) turned up to ring the bells, only to find the vicar at the time waiting for him and accusing him of being late, a quarrel ensued and the vicar struck the clerk around the head, and the clerk died of his injuries two days later. In 1443 due to the fact that it was allowing women to worship at the site, the church was rededicated, but it is not known who to. By 1555 parts of the building were being sold as building materials, and from 1563 it was being used as a school by the Leicester Corporation, Sold to the corporation by Queen Elizabeth I ten years later, the parish was merged into All Saints in 1591. It is the only one of the four decayed parishes merged into All Saints that any remains of have been found.

Here’s this week’s random review

Chicken Run. Lots of chickens. Running. They're made out of plasterscene by the same bloke who did Wallace and gromit. They are given voices by some Hollywood and British stars, and Mel Gibson. It's like the great escape only with chickens. And yes mate I've not seen it.

Dumbo. Disney cartoon, about a shy baby elephant who discovers he can fly, using his massive ears as wings. Strictly for very young kids or those retarded to the concept of physics.

First the answer from last week. The two mammals more intelligent that humans in the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy are mice and dolphins. The winner is a Mr Michael Windrush from Lyme Regis, in Dorset who wins a set of the 5 books that make up the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy trilogy.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many eggs would three chickens lay in three days? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a copy of the two films reviewed this week.

TOTAL = 18

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 578