Blonde of the week was won Blondie after the usual Friday morning shootout.

It's coming, the first birthday of Surerandomality is nearly upon us, and the date is set for Friday 31^st October, keep your eyes peeled for further updates.

Dunno whether this should be congratulations or commiserations for Squirrel, who reaches the 2 year anniversary in his current employment.

What the fac has been going on this week? E-Mail seems to have died a slow and painful death at the hands of a deranged snail, taking a lift from a retarded tortoise. In other words it's been as slow as fac, without the enjoyment. In fact the only slower thing in captivity is the Chemist. Due to this it would appear that my input for the letters has been greatly reduced, all I can say is thank fac that some of you muthaf#ckers still know how to use a pen and paper. Granted it's some of the most illegible tosh I've ever had the misfortune to clap eyes on (since my RE exam paper), but at least it's better than a night out with the infamous mogadon man. So for once in my life I'll stop procrastinating and actually get on with it.

First up is serial loser, Deirdre Riggott from Esher, Surrey, who this week writes. "Still counting, but haven't reached a million yet, I am currently, at this precise moment at eight hundred and seventy one thousand, four hundred and twenty two. I reckon I should be finished some time at the weekend, I'll write and let you know." It just goes to show that there is no accounting for the predictability of stupidity. In the words of a dyslexic, life a f#cking get.

Louise Jarrot, from Weston Favell, Northamptonshire, writes "For your question the other week, how could a half a chicken lay an egg, surely you'd need a whole chicken to reproduce." Repeat after me, Our father, who art in heaven, forgive us this day our recent lobotomy, thy brain surgeon come, thy surgery be done, hallowed be the lonesome brain cell. Give us this day our daily librium and forgive us our mistakes as we reward those who loiter with intent. Deliver us from pizza hut, for thine is the scooter with the power, and the order, a stuffed crust pepperoni feast, Amen.

Absolutely, positively, no f#cking foreign language letters this week, so it's on with the show with a whole host of irrelevant sh1te, the likes of which was probably last seen on the Northenden Women's Institute notice board.

Noel Carroll (shouldn't he have written in at Christmas?) writes in somewhat indignantly, "You shouldn't open other peoples post, let alone read it and then print it, show some respect, you wouldn't like it if someone did it to you." Fac off.

A Robyn King, from Altrincham in Cheshire writes, "Does anyone else have a major problem with those stupid street cleaners that do nothing but push dirt around? They make a hell of a noise and irritate me beyond belief." Er I've asked around and no, no one else has a major problem with them, and as an after thought, could anything be as irritating as you?

It would appear that Mr Perrin has been taking things a bit too literally (that always was his problem) and has started up guided tours to the Surerandomality office. The only good thing about this so far is that there are no takers, as no one can find Westmorland, let alone Upper Little Hampton, and those unfortunates that life there don't give a fac, so it would appear that it's not the most viable business venture.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Police in Elkhart, Ind., responded to a burglar alarm at a laundry and found the door kicked in. Officers were outside when a man came out carrying a gumball machine. When he saw the cops he dropped the machine and ran, but was caught. Nimrod Morgan, 24, was charged with burglary. - What chance have you ever got with a name like nimrod, f#cking tip top, lets give a big hand to his parents for that

Bars and restaurants in Florida are coping with a new law that makes smoking in the establishments illegal. Larry Wald, the owner of the Cathode Ray Club in Ft. Lauderdale, has introduced the "nicotini" for smokers who don't want to go outside for a nicotine hit. He soaks tobacco leaves in vodka and mixes the results with other liquors for a ...um... refreshing pick-me-up that he has served more than 300 times in the first month of the new law. "It tastes like a cross between vodka and chewing tobacco," said one customer, adding "That's not necessarily a bad thing." - It would appear that the perfect invention for young Hopalong has been found. He is now out trying to get the import license for this.

1. Candle in the wind (1997) - Elton John
2. White Christmas - Bing Crosby
3. Rock around the clock - Bill Haley & His Comets
4. I want to hold your hand - The Beatles
5. Hey Jude - The Beatles
6. It's now or never - Elvis Presley
7. I will always love you - Whitney Houston
8. Hound Dog - Elvis Presley
9. Diana - Paul Anka
10. I'm a believer - The Monkees

This will get messy was a prediction for this weekend, and looking at the state of the bodies in the Chez Didsbury living room on Sunday afternoon, the prediction wasn't far wrong. It's half past three Friday afternoon and Hopalong is already at the bar in the Old C0ck Inn warming up for his birthday weekend, when who should turn up, but G Man and most of the people from his work. Therefore the drinking starts fairly early. After a mass wimp out by all of his work colleagues, Squirrel joins them just before seven. It can be seen at this early stage that things are getting messy, so they move to the pool table where they are joined by Wes. Hopalong and G Man head to subway for food and are collected by Squirrel and Wes, and even at this pre 9pm stage it is clear to see that the boy G Man is worse for wear, and it's in this kind of state that he's got to meet up with his work colleagues again later. Squirrel and Hopalong manage to shepherd G Man past his natural instinct of running up to the door of the Clocktower and Bgerking the bouncers and hustle him into a waiting taxi. Next stop the printworks, where they meet up with Ricky Organ, the Chemist and Phil, before heading for Waxy O’Connor’s. They are then joined by Tessa, and just after midnight head to Tiger Tiger. At this point things could have taken a turn for the worse as the bouncer’s initial reaction was to turn the birthday boy away for being inappropriately attired. This was a funny situation, due to the fact that he'd told everyone else to dress smart. Anyway after much whining (and turning his trousers up, and taking his jumper off) they were let in. After a quite normal round of drinks Hopalong lost his mind and bought everyone out (including G Man's work colleagues who happened to be in Tiger Tiger) champagne, blowing nigh on one hundred and fifty nicker. More drinks and dancing followed and somewhat unsurprisingly G Man was the first casualty, sloping off unannounced to get a taxi home. At kicking out time, The Chemist and Phil got a taxi together, Squirrel, Wes and Tessa got a taxi, and despite some vigorous window knocking left Hopalong and Ricky Organ to get their own taxi. With Squirrel making a food stop in Fallowfield, he was the last to arrive back at Chez Didsbury, where the drinking continued and the boisterousness continue with the end result that Hopalong pushed Squirrel into the wall, which turned out not to be a wall after all, and a sizeable hole was put in the plasterboard.

Needless to say the movement on Saturday wasn't the most it could have been. After football bets and the first live game, Squirrel finally managed to crawl from his pit to watch soccer Saturday. Wes came round to Chez Didsbury, but apart from that there wasn't much movement. In the evening The Chemist went over to St Helens with Phil, and Ricky Organ went to hibernate in his room with Jayne. The baby was attacked with gusto, until just after a showing of The two towers, Squirrel left the house and went to XS. After a chat with the usual suspects there, he went to get a kebab (Abdul's again) before wandering off home. As he walked up he thought he was seeing things, but as he got closer it was true, Hopalong was walking the other way, as he went to meet Gemma who's taxi driver was somewhat retarded and was having difficulties finding his ar5e with both hands. A few minutes later, Squirrel had resumed his customary position on the sofa and Hopalong has taken Gemma to his room.

Sunday saw the big 25 of Hopalong's birthday, and the news that he had secured himself a birthday shag. The rest of the day saw watching football and films and large helpings of pizza hut. Monday followed on, as did Tuesday, and not long after that came Wednesday, soon after came Thursday with the only thing to differentiate between the days was 5 a side football and Squirrel having a few drinks with Kate.

By all accounts the living room at Chez Didsbury is the place for really stupid quotes, the only thing is no matter how stupid or funny they were, they are forgotten quickly. The only solution is for there to be a tape recorder there at all times so that the quotes can be preserved for posterity. Either that or hire a stenographer.

White Out (Tippex for the non yanks) was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees)

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Why is there three letters in the word why when surely one (y) would do?

Why am I still doing this at 2 in the morning on a work night?

PORT (abbv).

A politically correct term for a bird with small tits. Person Of Restricted Tittage. Eg. Jilly Goulden

WHY MEN LIE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

It's the year 2045. Ray and April are 87 and 72 respectively. They're sitting on the front porch swing, just rocking. Ray says, "Screw you, April." A minute goes by and April says, "Screw you, Ray." Another minute. "Screw you, April." Another. "Screw you, Ray." Yet another. "Screw you, April." And another. "Screw you, Ray." After another few moments Ray says, "I remember oral sex used to be more fun than this . . ."

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

Did you hear..... a woman with no legs won the UK strawberry picking contest............. What a Jammy c#nt.......

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor. "I do." "A fine picture," he said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be? Inquires the man.

"Comfortable." Replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

God only knows, there are only two certainties, death and taxes, whatever else happens is in the hands of the gods, or someone anyway. G Man is off down to Essex for the weekend. Squirrel has been invited to a 40^th birthday party on Saturday. After that, just make your best guesses, but be fairly safe in the knowledge that there will be drinking, gambling, and house wrecking somewhere along the way. See y'all next week.

This fascinating building is probably one of the best preserved timber framed hall in England. The great hall was built in 1390 by the Guild of Corpus Christi (hence it’s name), who were a small and powerful group of local businessmen that were founded in 1343. It was built as a meeting place for the guild, and remained as such until the guild was disbanded following the reformation in 1548.

Within a few years the corporation of Leicester had begun to meet in the great hall, and from 1494 the hall officially became the Town Hall, which it remained until 1876. In 1450 the great hall was extended by adding a further two bays (making 5 in total), making it up to it’s present size of 62ft long, by 20ft wide, by 27ft high. In 1490 the east and west wings were added to the original structure. When the Guild of Corpus Christi was dissolved the Leicester Corporation bought the hall from them for the sum of £25, 15s & 4d.

In 1563, the west wing was converted to make it into three floors, of which the ground floor became the mayor’s parlour from 1637, and the first floor became a Jury room for the courts that were held in the hall. The east wing was redeveloped in 1632 in order that it could become the Town Library, which was transferred from the belfry of the neighbouring St. Martins. The library still remains today, and is the third oldest public library in the country. The books held in the library can still be viewed by prior arrangement. The hall had started to be used as a court, as well as meeting rooms, and theatre. It was also used to hold banquets , and civic events.

In 1836, the old kitchens were demolished to make way for a house for the newly appointed chief constable, of the first Leicester borough police force, and the Guildhall became the first police station. The east wing’s ground floor was converted into cells, for prisoners.

However with the growth of the town, especially during the 19^th century it became obvious that the Guildhall was too small for the town functions , and it was agreed to build a new Town Hall, which was opened in 1876, and the corporation business moved across town. For the next 50 years the building was used for a variety of uses, including a school, but it fell into disrepair, and became an eyesore. Despite calls for it to be demolished, the then City council, restored the building, which included the demolishing of modern annexes, and additions, and the stripping of all plastering and rendering. The timber was renovated, and new bookcases and fireplaces were installed. It was then reopened in 1926 as a museum, which it remains to the present day.

Here’s this week’s random review

Electric 6 - Disco Major (or something like that). The song isn't up to much, but Dirk Valentine, manages to entertain for 3 minutes by wearing stupid clothes and wrecking the house with a variety of implements, plus subliminal flashes to him dressed as a major in a disco - surprising stuff.

First the answer from last week. Yes people the answer was Stella is 5.2% (not 13.5 as mentioned by one bright spark). The winner was a Donna Whitehead from Milton Keynes in Buckinghamshire, who wins a crate of Stella.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, How many singles has Squirrel got in his record collection? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins his record collection (has to be an exact answer). The closest guess wins a £10 HMV voucher.

TOTAL = 10

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 617