Blonde of the week was won by Squirrel after a Thursday and Friday of total sh1te talking.

It's coming, the first birthday of Surerandomality is nearly upon us, and the date is set for Friday 31^st October, keep your eyes peeled for further updates.

The Management would like to point out, that at no stage in the past or at any stage in the future, have they, or will they advocate the use of cows with corks up their ar5es as weapons of mass destruction.

Yes people, you've tried to tell me, but as I said last week, e-mail is slow, slower than Eric the eel ever could be, and the connection to the general public is up and down more often than a whore's drawers. Even so it would appear that the vast majority of people are still afraid of good old fashioned pen and paper, and therefore the incoming pile of post still remains somewhat lacking in volume, and I'm not even going to start on the f#cking quality, cos there isn't any. Blind chimpanzee amputees on seventy year old Cyrillic script typewriters could write more coherent letters than most of you lot manage, sh1t my gran could write better stuff and she's been buried for 25 years. Anyway, without standing on ceremony, on with the dross.

First up is that serial loser, Deirdre Riggott from Esher, Surrey, again who this week writes. "I made it I finally reached 1 million at half past two on Monday afternoon, which means that it took me seventeen days, two hours and 28 minutes to count to a million." Right call the Guinness book of records, they no longer need to search for the most futile thing ever attempted by a human (and that includes that c0ck in a Perspex box over the Thames.) Miss (now that's a surprise) Riggott has established the new benchmark in futility. Never ever darken surerandomality's doors again.

A Reverend Green, from Stanton St. Leonard's in Hampshire, writes, "I must take issue with you slander on the lord's prayer in last week's issue. I find it terrible that it seems commonplace in this day and age that such blatant contempt should be shown to our lord." I stopped it there, as there was another seventeen pages of this, in fact I haven't seen such bulky correspondence since the days of Mr Perrin's incarceration. Anyway, for sale, 1 soap box, last seen being used ineffectively by a priest who thinks he's from Cluedo.

A Amola Rumuba from Angola writes, "Seus assentos? O Tyrone, isto é um carro roubado, companheiro. Como podia-o perde-o, ele não é um jogo de teclas de carro. Não é como ele é incon-f#cking-spicuous. Um moissanite é um diamante artificial, Lincoln. É Camundongo de Mickey, homem. Espúrio. Não genuíno. E vale.. O Fac-todo. Se o não funciona sempre pode bater nele com ele. Alguém repararia contar me, quem são você? Guio para baixo a estrada com a seua cabeça meteu em minha janela. O que olha gostar de eu faço? Levantará Inferno! Nunca pulsos de mente! Ele o receberá em muito problema pensar, Errol. Eu não fazria demais de ele. Era um Errol retórico de pergunta. O que contei você sobre pensar?" No I didn't understand a single word of what she just said.

Mary Jackson, from Ipswich, Suffolk, writes, "It must be true, Electric six must be paying you, as you've reviewed their new video again, that makes it three times on the trot." If only, if I was getting sponsership do you really think I'd be publishing letters from dolts like you, get a grip you silly cow.

A Keith Bowles from Bridlington, East Yorkshire, writes "Can anybody explain why Daddy Long Legs exist?" What? Apart from to scare the sh1t out of people like Seeks and Hopalong.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

A burglar used a blowtorch to open a safe at Perkins Family Restaurant in Charleston, S.C. In his zeal, he set the money in the safe on fire. A surveillance video shows him run to get buckets of water to put out the fire. "He probably realized he was burning up what he's trying to steal," one of the restaurant's owners said. The man got away with about $3,000 in singed, soggy cash. - Not only did he get money to burn, but he tried laundering it as well.

Two women in remote Gambell, Alaska, needed some gasoline for their ATV after the local fuel station had closed, so they helped themselves. Working in the dark, police say, Charity Apangalook, 20, lit her lighter to see how full the tank was. When the vapors ignited, "Charity got scared and pulled the nozzle," a state trooper said, spraying herself and her unnamed 16-year-old companion with gas and setting both of them on fire. They beat each other's flames out, which is a good thing since they were in the midst of tanks holding 30,000 gallons of gasoline and fuel oil -- the village's entire supply. The two were charged with criminally negligent burning, reckless endangerment and theft. - I know some right idiots, but none quite as stupid as this pair.

1. Latvia
2. Estonia
3. Belarus
4. Russia
5. Lithuania
6. Ukraine
7. Moldova
8. Kazakhstan
9. Romania
10. South Korea

In true horoscope style, the only two things predicted with any certainty last week, both failed to materialise. Due to a internet booking / credit card fac up, G Man failed to make his way down to Essex for the weekend, and instead came and met Squirrel straight from work. After a couple in Simple in the City they managed to drag a snoozing Chemist from his evening nap and got him to collect them from town, amazed that they had secured a lift they hurried across town and downed a quick drink in the Paramount, before the Chemist turned up, and taxied them back to Chez Didsbury, where there was a full house with all the residents being there, plus Jayne. Lots of bottles from the baby and comedy video watching saw a drift off to bed by everyone, leaving Squirrel asleep on the sofa for a change.

Saturday saw most residents out, betting and doing the normal glued to the TV afternoon. Squirrel meanwhile headed to work, and then into the Rising Sun (surprising some who thought he was just another hum drum) to watch the England game. The Chez Didsbury residents stayed at home and raided the baby again. After the England game, Squirrel found out that he wasn't going to the 40^th birthday thing, and headed to the Friendship to watch the Wales game, and after this into his usual haunt of XS where he had a few with the locals before being joined by Wes, and then more beer, and dancing followed, before staggering out at closing time and going their separate ways. After food Squirrel headed home and found himself asleep in the lounge of Chez Didsbury at seven in the morning again.

Sunday saw all the residents of Chez Didsbury (except Squirrel) going to the driving range to whack a few golf balls. Squirrel emerged from his pit at about five and there was the normal lack of motion in the evening. Monday saw Hopalong at college, the Chemist at Twae Kwon do. Tuesday saw the return from work after holiday by Seeks, who in true fashion had an exceptional tale from his time off. After an extremely heavy night on the p155 he fell asleep and started snoring heavily, and in doing so kept his girlfriend awake, after a couple of sleepless hours she headed to the balcony and set herself up a makeshift bed using seat covers and the like. Later in the night Seeks rises from his pit in need of the toilet but due to the p155ed up senses mistakes the balcony for the bathroom and starts to p155 on the makeshift bed, narrowly missing his girlfriend who had woken at the last moment and scrambled to safety. Anyway back at Chez Didsbury Tuesday saw football watching. Wednesday saw Hopalong at college again, the five a side team headed to the dog and partridge after the game, and Squirrel watched the England game in peace at home. He also went to bed straight after the game in a somewhat unprecedented move. The rest of the residents arrived home some time after eleven from their various locations under the impression that Squirrel was out presumed whoring. Thursday saw the Chemist at Twae Kwon do again and G Man out with the returned Amanda.

Morning - There's no fat in Ice Cream

Morning (To Squirrel) - I've bet you've got a Stanna Stair lift installed

The Chemist - I forgot that there was a day today.

Unidentified voice from Chez Didsbury living room - Where's Squirrel?

Hopalong - Dunno, Probably gone whoring. (pause) He might be in bed though. (another longer pause) No, no that's not likely, The first one.

A group of larks is called exaltation

More food is thrown out each day in the United States than is needed to feed its hungry . . . by McDonalds.

In Denver, Colorado It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbour.

Why is the piece of wrapping paper you have never quite big enough for the present you have to wrap?

And why can you never find the f#cking sellotape?

Cranberry Dip (n).

A special sauce for sausages available only during rag week.

What's yellow and goes up and down? A banana in an elevator!

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What!?! How about the bad news? Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?" "I sure do," answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't ya?"

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best types of surgical patients. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently ticked the driver off enough that he hung out his window and swore at her. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That equals 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females - that equals 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their cycle. That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing. That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her cycle, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of swearing at her.

Yeah, right, like I'm going to bother predicting anything. See y'all next week.

Born in 1430, fervent supporter of the House of York, and spent his life in support of the Yorkist party, originally a supporter of Richard, Duke of York, as his father Sir Leonard Hastings, was a close friend of the Duke. His father died in 1455, and William became a member of the York household. The following year he was appointed as the High Sheriff of both Leicestershire and Warwick.

Fought in the losing battle of Ludford Bridge in 1459, and the Duke of York was killed in 1460 at the Battle of Wakefield, William joined the Duke's son Edward, Earl of March, who was later crowned as Edward IV in 1461, and whom William was to serve for the rest of his life. William was knighted in 1461 following the Battle of Townton, also appointed Chamberlain of the royal household, and became very powerful, and a member of the King's Council, and was made the First Baron of Hastings. He was also made the Receiver General of the Duchy of Cornwall for life, and the master and worker of the King's mints within the Tower of London, the realm of England, and town of Calais for 12 years and the therefore got the profits from this.

In all between 1461 and the Death of Edward IV in 1483, William was given a total of 51 titles, and / or offices. In 1462, such was his value to the King that he was made a Knight of the Garter in 1462, he married wealthy widow Katherine Nevill (who was the sister of the Earl of Warwick). During the 1460's he steadily acquired Manors, Castles, and offices throughout the Midlands, he was also granted lands of the Earl of Pembroke and the Earl of Wiltshire, which included Lordship of Loughborough, the manor and lordship of Shepshed, and the manor and lordship of Ashby de la Zouch, and the castle of Belvoir.

In 1469 during the ongoing war of the roses, King Edward IV went into exile, and William as his most trusted aid went with him, after threat from the King's brother the Duke of Clarence, and his ally the Earl of Warwick. In 1471 they returned to England with the help from Duke Charles of Burgundy, and later in the year in the Battle of Barnet, he commanded the battalion of the army that killed the Earl of Warwick. At this time William could put out 3,000 retainers in the battlefield, and it is this that helped the King to regain his throne.

After this he was given the license to fortify his houses, at Ashby de la Zouch, Bagworth, Kirby Muxloe, and Thornton. The house at Ashby de la Zouch was started immediately, with William building a thick curtain wall around the existing 14^th century manor house and built a formidable tower house in the middle. However work at Kirby Muxloe didn't start until 1480, where he began to build a complete new structure, which incorporated the existing manor house, and that resembled a medieval castle. It is one of the earliest brick built buildings in the country. He built a brick tower at each corner and a massive gatehouse over a drawbridge, and had gun ports built into them.

He was made the Lieutenant of Calais in 1471, and strengthened the battalion there, and in 1473, arranged to help the Duke of Burgundy in war against the King of France, however Edward IV managed to negotiate a peace treaty between the two.

Edward IV died in April 1483, and he voted for the King's brother Richard, Duke of Gloucester to be the Lord Protector for the young Prince King Edward V, as opposed to the Woodville family, who he had fell out with over being made lieutenant of Calais. He came to realise that Richard really wanted to usurp the throne, and was tricked into saying that he would remain loyal to Edward V, and by that signed his own death warrant. Richard thought him too powerful to oppose, and so arranged a meeting of the council, where William was accused of treason against the King, Edward V, along with the dowager queen, and was beheaded in the Tower courtyard within minutes without any trial taking place. He died on 13^th June 1483.

He was buried in St. George's Chapel, as per the instructions of the his will that he had written in 1481, and also had a mass sang to him every year as also stipulated in his will. Upon his death in 1483 building work at Kirby Muxloe stopped, it was briefly restarted the following year, but work stopped again in the December of the year, and was never started again.

Here’s this week’s random review

Striker - An 18 year old legend of a comic strip that retired from the pages of the Sun, and has now moved on to start it's own comic, (the first new comic in the UK in 20 years). Nick Jarvis is a legend, and his activities and scams have kept me enthralled for as long as I can remember. Not only that but the new comic starts the Nick Jarvis story from scratch, with the original strips from 1985 on wards. Go out and buy it. £1 every Thursday from all seedy back street newsagents.

First the answer from last week. No correct answers, but closest to the correct total of 903 singles (in Squirrel's record collection) was a Fiona Glover from High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, who guessed 888, and wins a £10 HMV voucher

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, Who makes the CH46 Sea Knight Helicopter? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins the entire works of Plutarch.

TOTAL = 14

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 621