Blonde of the week was won by Seeks who came back from his holidays and took a few days to adjust to being back at work.

It's coming, the first birthday of Surerandomality is nearly upon us, and the date is set for Friday 31^st October, keep your eyes peeled for further updates.

Bombardment came quickly with the sudden return of full e-mail capabilities last Friday afternoon came the inevitable backlog of absolute sh1te, not only that but there’s been further bad news this week with the postmen voting not to strike, meaning that all your lousy letters will get through. F#cking unions, can’t trust them to do anything right. So many random observations, so little time and space, so lets shuffle on.

And to start us all off this week is a Sue Bartlett from Benfleet in Essex who writes, "I moved away from Barking with my family in March 2002 and it’s one of the best things I have ever done. The people of the town who have said this week that it’s a great place to live obviously failed to mention that most of the area now looks like Baghdad, with abandoned cars, piles of filth and run down council estates." Two things, wouldn’t you have had to been Barking to live there in the first place, and Benfleet is an improvement?????

Next up is a Pauline Campbell from Malpas, Cheshire, with the following "Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is that frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe." Did you understand a single word of what’s just been said? An illiterate monkey with St Vitus' dance could write better than that.

Foreigners are up next, first up is a Miguel Sanchez from Santander, Spain with the following, "El perro. El perro lo debe haber comido. El es sido el disparo en la cara, Lincoln. Tendría eso sería obvio. ¿Bien usted abundancia jode estúpido, yo lo diré eso? ¿Sabe usted por qué ellos le llaman Franky "Cuatro Dedos" Doug? ¡Porque él hace apuestas estúpidas con personas peligrosas, y cuando él no paga, ellos lo dan el corta! ¡Y yo no hablo acerca de su joder temió pela cualquiera! Ahora yo no quiero poner una bala en su cara, pero si usted no nos da *exactamente lo que queremos, habrá los asesinatos. ¿Usted no es exactamente Señor los Asuntos Actuales son usted? El "Pez Loco" se volvió loco, y "El Fusil" se disparó. ¡Usted levantará el Infierno! ¡Nunca pulsos de mente!" God only know.

Then it’s Gabrielle Le Pen from Rhiems, in France with this offering, "Donc le mis-traduit biblique de lettrés le mot Hébraïque pour "la jeune femme" dans le mot grec pour "vierge, dans lequel était une jolie erreur facile pour faire, puisque il y a seulement une différence subtile dans l'orthographe. Mais soutenir alors c'était le "vierge" qu'a attrapé de l'attention des gens. Ne ce pas est tous les jours un vierge conçoit et porte un fils. Donc vous gardez que pour quelques cent années, et la chose prochaine que vous savez, vous avez l'église catholique Romaine. C'est une allumette non autorisée de boxe. Ne ce pas est une compétition chatouillant. Ces garçons seront obligé à endommager hors chaque autre. Vous ain' t de cette planète vous est, Vincent? Qui est la grande tasse de gonna deux fellas noir, tenant des pistolets, assis dans une voiture qui vaut moins que votre chemise?" It’s probably better I don’t know what the fac’s being said for most of this.

Ellen Wilkinson from Cosham, Hampshire writes "You’ve got to hand it to Mark McGowan, who protested at student loans by rolling a monkey nut seven miles to Downing Street using only his nose. The feat deserves a place in the record books. I hope our Prime Minister takes note of his efforts and his reasons for doing so. The situation with University education costs is a disgrace." Hold on, I though I’d found the most pointless exercise ever in last week’s letters, and what do you know, someone comes along and beats it hands down.

A Lawrence Daniels from Ely, Cambridgeshire, writes "Can we make suggestions for what we want to see happen for the Surerandomality first birthday celebration?" Yep, by all means, you can make all sorts of tip top suggestions, as I am a busy little b’stard and time is getting tight. It is worth pointing out that I probably won’t take any notice of any suggestions made, but go ahead and knock yourself out.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Victoria, B.C., Canada, police Const. Graeme LeBlanc was investigating car break-ins at an apartment complex when a 25-year-old man invited him into his apartment to see a video tape of "evidence" to help solve the case. The apartment "smelled of fresh marijuana and he had been recently smoking it," LeBlanc said. Officers returned with a search warrant and found $100,000 worth of marijuana, hashish, magic mushrooms and other drugs, cash, growing equipment, and other paraphernalia. Why did the man invite him in? "I think that because he had been around the marijuana for so long his senses were just used to the smell of it," LeBlanc says, "whereas when I walked in I was almost overwhelmed by the smell." And the video tape? "It was, oddly enough, of no evidentiary value." - Yeah, a natural f#cking idiot.

Charles Lee was asleep in his Des Moines, Iowa, home when he heard his 87-year-old mother screaming in her bedroom. He rushed in to find a burglar had come in through the window. "I snatched him and was dragging him through the house to take him outside and [whip] him a little," Lee said, when the burglar offered him $100 to let him go. Lee looked at the $100 bill and noticed its portrait depicted president George W. Bush. "Yeah, the guy was trying to bribe me with fake money," Lee says. Police charged Michael Castiglione, 37, with second-degree burglary. - Mickey mouse money would be more likely to pass as real than anything with Dubya’s face on it.

1. Smith
2. Jones
3. Williams
4. Brown
5. Taylor
6. Davies/Davis
7. Wilson
8. Evans
9. Thomas
10. Johnson

What do you think is going to happen when all the residents of Chez Didsbury are at home and the words 5^th Avenue are mentioned? Ricky Organ goes to bed, The Chemist curls up in his chair, and Squirrel starts gibbering like Gollum, and we are sure that he mumbled about his precious before succumbing to temptaion and joining Hopalong, G Man and Amanda in going out. Thingts were likely to get messy. First stop was the Pitcher and Piano for some overpriced drinks before a taxi to 5^th Avenue, where the drinks were in a more reasonable price band. Lots of vodka and red roosters and dancing later and it was at the unbelievable time of 3 in the morning and time to leave. No one is ever sure of how time goes so quickly whilst in 5^th Avenue, except for the time flies when you’re enjoying yourself thing. A taxi back to Didsbury and a kebab, and another taxi home saw them get in just after 4, and in true style Squirrel woke in daylight hours asleep in the chair, having managed to wake the Chemist up at half 5 by full volume MTV.

Saturday saw a lot of promise of movement with not a lot of substance to back it up. Squirrel made it his mission to spend the entire day torturing Hopalong who was suffering from a monster hangover. Jayne came round, and hid in Ricky Organ’s room, and everyone wandered off to bed having not done a great deal. Except for the Chemist that was, who had gone into town to meet up with Phil and others. They went for a Thai (not a bride) and then headed for Tribeca. After a lot of beers The Chemist headed for the Ibis that he’d booked as he was too f#cking lazy to get a taxi back to Chez Didsbury.

Sunday saw Hopalong and G Man head out early to hit a few golf balls in the company of Gemma, and saw them arrive back at Chez Didsbury late in the evening in a somewhat pissed state. The Chemist went to Buxton for some bizarre reason, almost as if he’s doing a delayed reaction follow G Man round the country. Squirrel didn’t move from the house, and there wasn’t a lot of movement on the Ricky Organ front either.

Monday saw Squirrel with a rare day off, only to find that the other residents had set the alarm, and taken his keys with him, therefore preventing him from really doing anything, so it was a day of tidying and watching MTV. It turns out that G Man had accidently picked up Squirrels keys in his hungover state, and the day for him and Hopalong was a bizarre one. Hopalong got to work, after not being able to find his wallet before leaving, and found he hdn’t been paid, and upon ringing the wages department was asked "Do you work for us?" With his boss abroad on holiday it looked like they’d sacked him on the sly, but they did pay him eventually. He met up with G Man to go to the gym, and after the circuit training while G Man went for a swim Hopalong tried to get into the locker using the code G Man had given him, but it was the wrong code, so he had to wait 45 minutes for G Man to finish his swim. That evening G Man had to go out with Amanda and went to Greens to try and make up for his Sunday on the piss session. Gemma came round to see Hopalong, The Chemist went to tae kwon do, and Ricky Organ worked late, while Squirrel didn’t move from his chair in front of the telly.

Tuesday saw G Man round at Amanda’s, still grovelling for Sunday. Hopalong was out for a few stella’s with Gemma at the Slug and Lettuce, while the other residents watched the football at home. Wednesday saw Hopalong at college and the rest of the resident out playing football and watching the second half of the great Ar5enal humiliation.

BANG.

That must be Walter leaving for work, he manages the same thing every morning, he manages to creep round the house getting ready for work and then i'm sure he intentionally slams the door on his way out, just to wake me up and to try and disturb Speedy. Jesus, it's not even light yet, Walter works ridiculous hours, and what do i see from it? Nothing!

Need to focus for a minute and think what day it is….Friday, that’s good I don’t need to get up for a bit, I can just relax for a bit, and Speedy will be up to curl up on the bed now that Walter’s gone to work.

I don’t know why Walter bothered getting a dog, let alone a whippet. He doesn’t treat it well, and drags it out for a walk just once a week, and I know full well that he’s not really gone to take Speedy for a walk. I know he’s gone to the playing fields to perv over the schoolgirls laying netball. Not that that bothers me, in fact I wish the old f#cker would get caught and hauled off to the police station. I’d love the peace and quiet on a Friday afternoon.

Looking back I don’t know why I bothered marrying him in the first place, my parents warned against it, saying that he wasn’t a nice person, and that he’d never amount to much. But who listens to what their parents say? If only I had done, he’s a nasty ignorant sod, and I’ve never seen him be nice to anyone, well except for those f#cking winged vermin of his. I’ve half a mind to let them all go, but at least with them there it keeps him out of the house longer than if he didn’t have them.

I can remember my mother’s words on my wedding day, saying "it’s not too late you, know, you can always back out. No good will come of it, you mark my words." Did I listen? Did I fac as like, I’ll tell you what though, if my mother was alive now, she'd be spinning in her grave. Well she would if she hadn't been cremated.

I’ve been thinking of getting a divorce or just upping and leaving, but in all honesty, this is my house as well, and I’m too f#cking lazy to start all over again, especially at my age.

The only way to get any peace and quiet would be to do the old sod in, hit him over the head with the coal shovel and lock him in the coal shelter, it’s not as if anyone would miss the boring old b’stard.

The Chemist (5 minutes after coming out of the shower and wrapped in towels) - Why aren't I dry yet?

Hopalong and Squirrel - Have you ever thought about using the towels to dry yourself?

The Chemist - No i just usually wait til i'm dry

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

In California, it's against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.

Among the Abipone people of Paraguay, individuals who abstain from alcohol are thought to be "cowardly, degenerate and stupid."

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody ever ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Reveille (n).

An early morning brass eye fanfare delivered with military precision, that makes your company jump out of bed.

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

A man was going through a long divorce saga, At one time he attempted to reconcile with her. He said to her, "You know I love you. Say those three little words that will make me walk on air." She said, "Go hang yourself."

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice t1ts!!!

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow

Q. How does every ethnic joke start? A. By looking over your shoulder

Q. What do women and prawns have in common? A. Their heads are full of sh1t but the pink bits taste great.

Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday? A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get f#cked.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt - then he's a goblin'

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A. Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q. What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? A. Air pockets

Q. How can you tell that you have a high sperm count? A. Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q. What is the politically correct name for a Lesbian? A. "Vegetarian"

Q. What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog? A. When driving in the fog you can't see the asshole in front of you

Q. What do Kodak and condoms have in common? A They both capture the moment

Q. What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat? A. Bingo

Q. What's 100 yards long and smells of piss? A. The Post Office Queue on Thursday mornings

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers A. Well endowed

Q. What's the difference between PMT and BSE? A. One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem

Q. What do you call a fish with no eye? A. FSH

Q. Why was the washing machine laughing? A. Because it was taking the piss out of the undies

Q. Who is the only man, weighing over 11 stone, who has ridden a derby winner since 1945 A. Lester Piggott's cellmate

Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes? A. Piiig

Q. How do you make a dog drink? A. Put it in a liquidizer

Q. What's got 500 legs and no hair? A. The front row of a Boyzone concert

Q. What's got four legs and an arm? A. A Rottweiler

Q. What do you call bears with no ears? A. B

Q. What goes up and down Nelsons Column? A. Winnie Mandela

Q. What's the difference between bogies and Brussels sprouts? A. Kids won't eat Brussels sprouts

Q. What is the definition of confusion? A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market

Q. What is the definition of disgusting? A. Siamese twins joined at the mouth, and one throws up

Q. Why do they call it PMT? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date A. Patient

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. "Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law." The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?" The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"

What's worse than a bull in a china shop?? A Hedgehog in a condom factory!!!

How do you make a door scream?? Twist it's knob!!!!!!

What's red and sits in the corner??? A Naughty Strawberry!!!!!!!

What's green and gets a scouser pissed???? His Giro

Why do blondes leave empty milk bottles in the fridge?? In case anyone asks for a black coffee!!!!!..

OK, I’ll try to be a bit more expansive than last week. G Man is likely to be doing something with Amanda. Squirrel will be claiming that he’s not going out, even though he’s got the day off on Friday. Hopalong will be texting Gemma to try and get her to come round. Ricky Organ has a business meeting in Copenhagen on Saturday (such a hard life). Five a side football will be played on Wednesday. Somewhere along the line it will get messy, bets will be made, football will be watched, and general laziness will break out. See y'all next week.

Situated in what is now a run down part of the city centre, in it’s own grounds, virtually hidden from the casual passer by, stands the church of St. George. It is from this church that the nearby road, and retail park take their name.

Built from 1823-1827 by William Parsons at a cost of £16,600, it was the first church in Leicester, and only the third in the county to be built after the reformation. It had a large open nave and the tower with a spire, aisles with galleries, plaster ceilings, and a small sanctuary. In 1835 the stained glass windows were added by the firm Ward & Nixon.

In 1846/47 the spire was destroyed by lightning, and was rebuilt, again by William Parsons. The sanctuary was replaced by a chancel in 1879 by A.W. Bloomfield, in a much more sombre and contrasting style to the rest of the church. The church yard has gravestones dating up to 1850, due to the fact that Welford Road cemetery was then opened, and no further burials took place at the church.

In 1892 the tower screen was added, and in 1908 the south chapel was fitted up. In 1911 there was a fire, which destroyed the galleries, and damaged the spire, in 1912-1913 the spire was removed, and the nave and chancel were rebuilt by W. D. Caroe.

The parish dwindled during the 20^th century until in the early 1970’s the parish was disbanded. The church was taken over in 1983 by the Serbian Orthodox Church, which it remains to this day.

Here’s this week’s random review

The singularity is a concept first raised by Sci Fi author and maths professor Vernor Vinge. It is the belief that there will come a point where the increase in the rate of technological advance will get to a point where it will change the face of evolution and life for humans will change for ever. The given year for this to happen is 2035, though Vernor himself reckons that it will happen sooner, though he reckons it will be no earlier than 2005, and no later than 2030. Weird sh1t as seen in the movies terminator and the Matrix, and a featurette on it took up 10 precious minutes of my life Tuesday night.

First the answer from last week. The correct answer is that it is made by Boeing, but is more commonly known as being a Chinook. The winner was a John Gilbert from Hatfield, who wins the entire works of Plutarch.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, Who makes the AK47 assault rifle? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins an AK47.

TOTAL = 18

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 639