Blonde of the week was won by Seeks, who seems to be getting to grips with this winning thing.

Well done to Spurs, who managed to get a draw and a clean sheet, despite being unable to pass or defend.

Congratulations to Seeks who became 22 on Monday.

It's coming, the first birthday of Surerandomality is nearly upon us, and the date is set for Friday 31^st October, keep your eyes peeled for further updates.

OK, so perhaps my opening comments last week were a little bit harsh on one of our regular correspondents who has recently spent time in correctional facilities, cos some didn't agree with how he do it. Elsewhere there has still been a normal amount of post, despite post office workers in London taking a day off during the week, but there again that wouldn't really affect the post here as everyone knows that c0ckneys can't f#cking read or write. Anyway, without standing on ceremony, or anything else come to think of it, let's start the show.

First up this week is all Maureen Glenister's fault, as a Glenn Hatton, from Louth in Lincolnshire, writes, "Who cares what the height of a womble is, surely a much more important question is how tall is a clanger?" Are you taking the p155? Please no more of this, no more "What's the height of" questions about seventies model based children's programmes. It has to stop, before someone mentions Chorlton or the Wheelies. Doh!

Next up is a pedant, Mr Banjo from Swanton Morley in Norfolk, who in response to the letter last week writes "Surely you could have put the spellchecker on the letter from Ms Malpas last week, it would have made reading it a lot easier." Yes, you tit, you told me, as did a few others, but you’re all missing the point. It was written like that deliberately to prove a point.

Next up is my man Sanchez Noriega from Managua, Nicaragua, who writes, "Não, Tommy. Há um revólver em seuas calças. O que um revólver faz em seuas calças? Entendeu uma palavra de o que que ele acaba de dizer? Sente-se e feche para cima, você fac calvo grande. Eu não gosto de partida meu Doug rural, e eu especialmente não gosto de partida ele para qualquer coisa praias menos então arenosas, e coqueteisél com chapéus pequenos de palha! Mostra-me como controlar um cigano selvagem de f#cking e eu o mostrarei como controlar um criminoso desvairado de porco-alimentação! Então, são obviamente o d1ck grande. Os homens no lado de ya são seuas bolas. Há duas tipos de bolas. Há bolas corajosas grandes, e há bolas pequenas de faggot de mincey." No I didn't understand a single word of what's just been said, but as far as I can tell it's safe to print as I can't find any words relating to generals or presidentes.

Meanwhile a Simon De Beauvier, from St. Helier on the Channel Islands, brings us the following, "Non, Tommy. Il y a un fusil dans votre pantalon. Qu'un fusil fait-il dans votre pantalon? Vous avez compris un mot de ce qu'il vient de dire? Assied et fermer en haut, vous grand, fac chauve. Je n'aime pas partir mon Doug de pays, et je n'aime pas surtout partir il pour n'importe quoi les plages moins alors sableuses, et les c0cktails avec les pet1ts chapeaux de paille! Vous me montrez comment régler un gitan sauvage de f#cking et je vous montrerai comment régler un destabilisé, le gangster de cochon-nourrissage! Si, vous êtes évidemment le grand d1ck. Les hommes sur le côté de ya sont vos balles. Il y a deux types de balles. Il y a de grandes balles courageuses, et il y a les petites balles de fagot de mincey." Come again. Hasn't anyone told you that the channel islands are British? Speak English for fac's sake.

Alison Hutchinson, From Glasgow, asks the following, "Is it true that Gordon Brown gatecrashed the Mobo awards, demanding that 50 cent be introduced as 0.42 euros?" How the fac would I know, but I can tell you that John Prescott gatecrashed the Hobo awards, but was eventually turfed out for being too scruffy.

Meanwhile Joanne Lapworth, from Stokenham, Devon asks, "Does anyone know who the footballers involved in the London hotel thing at the weekend were? I'd love to know." I'm shocked that there is anyone out there who doesn't know, but just to clarify, they are Miner, Colourer, Thorn, Cribbins, Tennis, Jackson, ul, and David.

Back by unpopular demand, it's that man again, the man from Hunstanton, Mr Perrin, who asks if it's alright if he names his newly bought box of golfballs, rex 1 through to rex 12, out of respect. I have to ask why?

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Glenn Hoddle has sacked his faith healer, and psychic, Eileen Drewery for not telling him he was about to be fired.

Employees at a supermarket in Marietta, Ga., stopped a woman who tried to leave with $60 worth of groceries without paying for them. The woman jumped into a minivan and sped away, but her 10-year-old daughter fell out of the van's open door and was then run over by her mother. The woman still didn't stop until another car blocked her path -- at which point she got out and tried to run. Witnesses held Sherrie Leigh Thayer, 36, until police arrived. Thayer was charged with shoplifting, serious injury by vehicle, leaving the scene of an accident, cruelty to children, and driving under the influence. The girl suffered internal injuries but is expected to survive. - No matter what make sure you get the alcohol.

Politicians in Canada are working to show the differences between the parties to help voters decide who to vote for in the upcoming elections. In Ontario, Tory Ernie Eves issued a press release that called Liberal Dalton McGuinty "an evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet." When reporters asked Eves to elaborate, he said the statement was "an ill-advised attempt at humor [but] I'm not apologizing." McGuinty responded that "I love kittens, and I like puppies too." - Doesn’t everyone like puppies?

1. Bombay (Mumbai)
2. Shanghai
3. Calcutta
4. Lagos
5. Sao Paulo
6. Karachi
7. Tianjin
8. Istanbul
9. New York
10. Madras

Well the votes are in and it's official, it is likely to get messy, as Squirrel is out to get absolutely, positively more p155ed than any other muthaf#cker in Manchester over the weekend, which isn't going to be pretty, especially if, as normally happens, he drags someone else down with him. Elsewhere there are various people thinking up various excuses not to go out drinking with Squirrel for their own health and general mental state. They were the opening words from last week's crystal ball. How true, and people managed to devise a shift system to get round the problem. Friday night saw Squirrel out straight from work to meet up with Kate and Kev in Anthaeneum. Meanwhile G Man was claiming illness and was refusing to leave the house. Hopalong had done the impossible and persuaded The Chemist to move and they met up with Squirrel in Squirrels to watch the football, after quite a few pints Squirrel wandered off to go to 5th Ave. This left Hopalong and The Chemist to go to The Queen of Hearts, where somewhat unsurprisingly Hopalong managed to get into an argument (not the bouncers this time), but was rescued by The Chemist. Meanwhile Squirrel arrived at 5th Ave somewhat worse for wear, and can remember little after this until waking the next morning. However Amanda and her friends were there, and they report that although there in body, the mind and spirit had vacated the building. Squirrel even managed to throw one of his drinks all over Jen for no apparent reason. The next memory is being in the kebab shop in Didsbury, and somewhere along the way managed to fall heavily after twisting his ankle.

Saturday morning saw everyone in Chez Didsbury up at unreally early hours for them on a Saturday. Hopalong went out before noon with Gemma, and Phil came round to meet The Chemist so that they could go flat hunting. Squirrel managed to coax G Man from his sick chair and into going to the Friendship to watch football, have all day breakfast and drink. Just after five Amanda joined them and then took G Man away to go and get ready to spend the evening at a private party in Baa Bar, where he managed to bump into Mogadon Man. Squirrel went and had another drink with Emily, Kat and Nat, before doing some drunken shopping in Sainsbury's and getting the Chemist to come pick him up. Back at Chez Didsbury, Gemma was just leaving, and Hopalong and The Chemist were in no mood to join in drinking with Squirrel, and suffered a number of hours of torture before Squirrel went to XS. In XS they were some of the usual suspects, and Squirrel managed to stay off the dancefloor, before leaving at chucking out time to hit Abdul's for a kebab. Back at Chez Didsbury there were no signs of life so Squirrel sat watching MTV and drinking.

Half seven Sunday morning and Squirrel goes to bed, but peace doesn't last long with early risers in the house. Granted the cause of the noise to wake everyone was from a strange source as some g0dd@mn scout marching band was warming up in the next cul-de-sac. After a fry up, The Chemist gave Squirrel, G Man and Amanda a lift into town, whereupon Squirrel realised he was supposed to be in Didsbury. He met up with H (no not the one from steps) and another mate in the Clocktower for an afternoon of football watching, which was followed by an evening of more pints in O'Neill's before getting back to Chez Didsbury and a night of total non movement.

Monday saw Squirrel go to work, decide that it wasn't the wisest thing to do on a weekend of drinking like that and went back home again. Tuesday saw G Man at Amanda's for some quality soap watching, and Hopalong was out in town with Gemma, hitting, Bar 38, Square Bar and Rain Bar, before deciding that the trip back to Didsbury would be too much and staying at the Ibis in town. Anyone would think that the residents of Chez Didsbury were living the lifestyles of the rich and famous and had money to burn. Wednesday saw Hopalong take the day off work with a classy Mickey mouse, spurious and non genuine excuse, and then complain he was too tired to play five a side in the evening despite the fact that the Chemist and G Man both made it while ill. Thursday saw Squirrel, Blondie and Garden planning to go to 5^th Ave, so g0d only knows what time that session went on til, but if the normal pattern is followed, things will have got messy. All in all a Tip Top week.

Saying that I was going to do a short story about football players and a London Hotel, but due to an amazing coincidence, my lawyers have advised me, that it probably isn’t the best time to run it. Spooky that. So you just get the opening line. "There were two teenage girls in a bar".

Who else but The Chemist (watching MTV again, Madonna is on) - Who's this?

Hopalong and Squirrel - You are joking aren't you.

The Chemist - I've got a good idea, but I'm not sure.

Hopalong and Squirrel - Tell us who you think it is then.

The Chemist - No, I'm not sure.

Hopalong and Squirrel (eventually after the video has finished) - It was Madonna.

The Chemist - That wasn't who I was thinking of.

Hopalong and Squirrel - Who were you thinking of then?

The Chemist - (after a long silence) I'm not saying.

Squirrel - You were going to say Kylie weren't you?

The Chemist (somewhat sheepishly) - erm, yeah.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

A group of whales is called a pod.

Time may be a great healer, but don't forget it's also a lousy beautician.

How can eating a quarter pounder lead to a weight increase of half a stone?

Hornbag (n).

1. A bag for keeping your horns in. 2. An extremely attractive woman, i.e. one who gives you the horn.

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, 'Wheres the g0d d@mn manager you c0ck sucking piece of p155'? The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f#cking manager of this hill billy run joint?' "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fac off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f#cking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "F#cking deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling sh1t, show us your f#cking piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I f#cking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "Why, that's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fac your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a w@nk over the washin' machine but my b0ll0cks got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fac you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her t1ts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her ar5e. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed chimp'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice... "Where's that bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?". "Know it," the pianist replies, "I f#cking wrote it!"

What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black? A nun roasting on a spit!

Once there was a little boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to p155.'' The mother said, ''Son don't say p155 in church. Next time you have to p155, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite. The next Sunday, the little boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby? A: Your dad's a w@nker.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, Make me one with everything.

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

What does a fish smoke? Sea weed

What do Glenn Hoddle and the Titanic have in common? Neither of them should have left Southampton.

Three old fans are in a church. The first asks, "Lord, when will England win the world cup?" G0d replies, "In the next five years." "But I'll be dead by then," complains the old man. The second fan asks, "Lord, when will Ar5enal win the European Cup?" G0d replies, "In the next ten years." "But I'll be dead by then," the old man complains. The third fan then asks, "Lord, when will Spurs win the league?" G0d answers, "I'll be dead by then."

What is Newcastle United’s favourite drink? 7-up.

A family of Liverpool supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in JJB Sports the son picks up a Manchester United shirt and says to his ten year old sister, "I've decided to become a United supporter and I would like this for Christmas." His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her carton of Embassy Regal and says, "Go talk to Mum". Off goes the little lad with the Manchester United shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum", "Yes son", "I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this and throws her slippers and a full can of lager at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Let's go talk to your father". Off they go to Walton Prison during visiting hours with the Manchester United shirt in hand to speak to his Dad. "Dad", "Yes son", "I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with his fists and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT" and then kicks him from one end of the visiting room to the other for further good measure. About half an hour later they hotwire a car and head towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today". The son says, "Too bloody right I have". "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Manchester United fan for an hour and already I hate you scouse b’stards!"

After the astonishing accuracy of last week's little masterpiece, I'm going for the conservative appraisal this week, so that I don't make it look like a one off. Therefore I predict that there will be drinking, eating, dancing, and sleeping. All of which will be wrapped around a solid diet of football watching, and token attempts at trying to be healthy. It has to be said that a dirty Burnage pub crawl has been mentioned, and that will only get messy. See y'all next week.

Match ratings.

Squirrel - A very accomplished first half but hopelessly exposed in the second, unlucky not to save the dubiously awarded penalty  - 6

G Man - Impressive stamina allowed constant jockeying and tackling.  However, composure in the final third could be improved upon - 7 - SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN

The Chemist - Not at full health and this showed.  Too often caught in position but still unleashed the occasional belter, did well to shake off a late reckless challenge - 5

Turkish - Organised the team well in the first half but could do nothing to stop the second half slide.  Struggled to keep his temper under check when the opponents got dirty - 6

Dancing - Nowhere near his best - miscontrolled the ball too often and gave away cheap possession, one or two good touches but spent most of the second half trying to suppress the urge to vomit - 4

Nez - Occasional flashes of brilliance, proved he has more lollypops than a paedophile in an adventure playground, but drifted out of the game too often and was guilty, by his own admission, of whingeing at team-mates - 6

Boots - Good tracking back and played the simple ball well but couldn't match last week's performance.  Touch sometimes let him down, astro boots may help the cause - 6

The scoring charts after this week's game stands as follows. Leading with three goals apiece are The Chemist and Nez. Only one other goal has been scored.

Below is the fixture list for the rest of the season

DATE OPPONENTS KO Time

08/10/2003 The Team with no name 9:00 PM

15/10/2003 Hilti FC 7:00 PM

22/10/2003 The Firm Wed 10:00 PM

29/10/2003 Banus FC 7:00 PM

05/11/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 7:00 PM

12/11/2003 Dehulberto LaCortina 10:00 PM

19/11/2003 Ashton Athletic 10:00 PM

26/11/2003 The Team with no name 8:00 PM

03/12/2003 Hilti FC 8:00 PM

10/12/2003 The Firm Wed 9:00 PM

17/12/2003 Banus FC 9:00 PM

24/12/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 8:00 PM

What stands today as Leicester Cathedral, started out, in Norman times as the parish church of St. Martin’s. The name St. Martin’s is first mentioned at the time of the Domesday Book in 1086. It is said to have been built on the site of a Saxon church, but there is little evidence of this, however remains of what is thought to have been the Roman temple have been found on the site. It is now a large church with many parts to it, which have been built, and added over the years.

The original church would have consisted of the nave, which has a wooden roof to it with a number of coloured angels around it. In the 13^th century the aisles were added to the church, however the south aisle was completely rebuilt in 1343 by the recently formed Guild of Corpus Christi (a small powerful group of local businessmen), and was used by the guild for worship, and until they built the Guildhall next to the church, for meetings.

The chancel dates from 1409, and each of the seats around it carries the name of a famous person connected with the church or with Leicester. Some of the names include, St. Augustine, Simon De Montfort, Handel, and Gabriel Newton. Later on in the 15^th century the chancel and the nave were extended to the size they are today. On the floor in the chancel is a memorial to Richard III.

With the reformation in 1548 came the wholesale stripping of the church of anything in value. All the statues, vestments, screens, and stained glass were removed from the church, leaving it somewhat bare. Just after this time, the belfry of the church started to be used as the town library, and was used as such until 1632, when it was moved to the Guildhall. The library is the third oldest surviving library in the country.

Within the church are three chapels, St. Katherine’s, on the North side of the Chancel, which is dedicated to the Herrick family (former lords of Beaumanor Hall). St. Dunstan’s, on the south side of the Chancel, which is named after the 10^th century Archbishop of Canterbury, and is dedicated for the local people to offer prayers in. St. George’s, named after the patron saint of England, which is at the west end of the south aisle, and which was rebuilt in 1921, and stands memorial to the Royal Leicestershire Regiment (The Tigers).

In 1757 a spire was added to the old Norman tower, and the spire was changed into the 220ft high spire that exists today during the restoration of the church in the 1850’s and 1860’s by Raphael Brandon. In fact the nineteenth century saw much restoration and some additions. From 1846-48 the south aisles were re-roofed, and the clerestory and the east part of the chancel were rebuilt, a new font was added in 1849. In 1851 new corbels and reredos were added along with a new west window, and stained glass was put into the east window. 1861-62 saw the tower being rebuilt and the north porch renovated. In 1865 both the north and south chapels were completely rebuilt, and two years later the spire was rebuilt. 1880 saw GE Street restore the north aisle and porch (again), and the south porch was added in 1896.

The Vaughan porch, which acts as the south entrance was built by JL Pearson in memorial to the four Vaughan’s who were parish priests during the 19^th century, especially David Vaughan (parish priest from 1860-1893) who was famed for his charitable works, and after whom the Vaughan college is named.

During the 1920’s many additions and improvements were made in line with St. Martin’s becoming the new Leicester Cathedral, with Leicester being given a Bishopric again after a 1050 year gap in 1927. The sanctuary at the east end of the chancel was added, and the high altar and the bishop’s chair sit in this part of the church, the great east window at the end of the sanctuary was built to commemorate those who had died and suffered during World War I. The Gallery above the west end of the nave was also added at this time, and the organ was rebuilt by Harrison’s of Durham, and incorporated the original Snetzler organ from 1774.

The bells in the tower were all recast to mark the coronation of King George VI, and two new ones were added, and just after a 13^th flat bell was added. In 1939 the song school and vestry were added, leaving the church as it stands today. In 1946 George VI and his daughter, the future Elizabeth II visited the church, however they were not it’s first royal visitors, as Charles I had worshipped here twice in 1634 and 1642.

The church is named after St. Martin. Martin was a Roman soldier in the 4^th century, whilst out riding one day he saw a very cold beggar, to help he cut his own cloak in half and gave half of it to the beggar. Then one night he had a dream during which Jesus visited him and said that he was pleased. After this Martin left the Roman army and became a monk. He later became the bishop of Tours.

Here’s this week’s random review

A book this week. Considered a modern classic, Joseph Heller's Catch 22 is a study in the lunacy of war. Reading the dialogue between the characters will certainly remind you of trying to get any sense out of Squirrel. Highly amusing and irreverent yet just goes to show that you have to be mad to go to war. If you haven't read it then do so as it's well worth it.

First the answer from last week. The correct answer was that Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte were the two stars of 48 hours and another 48 hours. The winner was a Drew Manners from Tonbridge, Kent, who wins the two DVD's.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, In which year did the San Francisco win the Superbowl for the first time? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins a replica SF49ers helmet.

TOTAL = 24

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 758