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Surerandomality Issue E
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Absolutely no fucking idea what is happening this weekend, so I’ll run through a few of the usual suspects. XS, 5th avenue, drinking too much, fry ups, kebabs, attempting to go to Scubar, talk of going to the casino (Viva Las Vegas) to carry on drinking while in no state to actually speak, attempting to go for a curry, watching football, going to work, running a quiz Sunday night, lack of sleep, failure to find way to my bed, random people stopping at our house, loud music and dancing. Basically shake that lot around and come out with any variations you can, but whatever, it will get messy. See y’all next week.
First of all last weeks winner. With 73 king size marshmallows squeezed into their nose was a D. Westbrook from London, who receives the copy of the Ghostbusters DVD.
For this week’s competition all I want to know is which of these films has the most ridiculous surfing scene? 1. Escape from LA, or 2. Die Another Day, answers to the normal address. This week’s prize is 73 green, second hand marshmallows.
Welcome to issue E of surerandomality, and yet again it’s full of shit, and yet again it’s been a tip top week. After a slow start on the Friday with the Squirrel and G man not going out til after 8, things managed to heat up quite nicely, after a quick one at Oak house, and a posh one at something blu (not named after hopalong’s favourite boy band), they raided XS where they tried the we’re not from Manchester can you tell us where’s good to go? approach that worked so well in Preston, but wasn’t such a success in XS, well trying it on 1st year students wasn’t the best move, especially when they came back an hour later and accused them of nicking their phone. Somewhat put out by this they moved to 5th Ave, where the I’m the drummer from Supergrass and this is my minder approach was more successful, as was the buy the barmaid drinks approach. G man had to leave early as Daddy and Mummy G were coming to town the next day, but did manage to try to persuade 2 young Greeks to return to the madhouse, without success. Squirrel made it to Jewel in the Crown with the barmaid, but fell asleep, and was deserted. In the mean time Ricky’s Darth Maul pulling pants were successful for the second Friday on the trot. Saturday was lounging, and brought about a new addition to the household, the baby beer fridge is doing well and is greatly appreciated. Saturday night meant next door’s house party, and another long night, though the G man, Ricky and hopalong wandered off to Friday’s. More lounging on Sunday, just watching football again. Monday night turned out to be mad again with the final destination being 5th ave again, with squirrel, G man, Hopalong and Ricky all making it, Ricky tried getting in a fight, and they all had to be escorted from the premises into a waiting taxi. They also managed to abuse nearly everyone they came into contact with. G man was in such a bad way that he had to shell out £25 to get a taxi to work the next morning (at 11). Work’s been hectic again, and I’ve been a busy little bastard all week, but there have been some exceptional contributions from the usual suspects, So here it is.
TOTAL = 5
CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 28
To unsubscribe from surerandomality then please send an e-mail to surerandomality@hotmail.com naming all the Earl’s of Leicester and I’ll think about it. If you wish to make contributions to surerandomality then send them to the same address. Births, Marriages, Deaths and other important messages also considered. If you know someone who deserves to receive this shit then let me know. If you would like to receive back copies of surerandomality (hurry as stocks are running out, Issue 2 already sold out) then please send a cheque or postal order for £5 per issue ordered made payable to Surerandomality UK to the following address Surerandomality UK, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP. If you wish to donate to the save the golf ball appeal then please send donations to the same address, but made payable to Surerandomality Golf Ball Appeal. Votes for the golf ball naming should be header Golf Ball Vote. Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you? All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s lawyers. S. Crude & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 5AM.
A couple of stories that have caught my eye this week
Did you know that 2002 is an Olympic year? Yep -- if you're a rat. Next week, the Rat Olympics return to the Lincoln campus of Nebraska Wesleyan University. The rodents will be competing in all sorts of Olympic events like track, weight lifting and long jump. Trainers and their rats will be vying for gold, silver and bronze medals. Competition for the big cheese begins a week from Thursday. Psychology Professor Spencer Morrison says training rats is a great way for students to study animal behaviour. Morrison adds the spectators will be amazed by the rats' ability and agility. - Now I know why I wanted to subscribe to ESPN
Ross Watt, 33, has been caught having sex in the middle of the street in Edinburgh, Scotland -- with a traffic cone. Police from the Gayfield district caught him in the ...uh... act after multiple passers-by called to report the incident. Despite an earlier offense involving a training shoe, Watt was given probation and a suspended jail sentence. - Must be something to do with people from Edinburgh, as I’ve heard that umbrellas are popular as well.
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service". "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms such as "Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations." And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. One day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "service" a few of his cows. It all came into perspective.
Glen Roeder was caught speeding on his way to the Upton Park today. I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The West ham Chairman is considering replacing Glenn Roeder with Ronnie O'Sullivan. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
Virgin trains have decided to start sponsoring West Ham. They think they are a suitable team because of their regular points
Rumour has it that West Ham have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.
A guy is fishing when he finally hooks a massive salmon, he pulls it on the shore and is about whack it on the head when the salmon shouts "don’t kill me". The guy is shocked "Fuck me a talking fish". The fish says "Hello my name is Rusty, please don’t kill me!" The guy decides to put the fish back and let him live, and soon forgets about his experience. A few years later the same guy pulls out another large fish and is about to hit it on the head and have it for his tea. "Don’t kill me" says the fish "Fuck me is that you rusty" says the man. "Where have you been" The fish replies " I have been swimming around the artic and set up home next to the wreck of a big cruise liner, whilst there I have been writing poetry and have published a book" "oh what’s it called" replied the man. " The Titanic Verses" by Salmon Rusty
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said. The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. "But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Congratulations to Andy Wallace who finally managed to make it all the way home last Tuesday without accosting any schoolgirls.
An extra special round of applause for Squirrel, who managed to send out the most ill-advised, dumbass, completely fucking stupid e-mail in the history of electronic communication this week.
Happy birthday to Karlidow Roodle (Speedy), who reached the grand old age of 14 this week.
Deepest sympathies to the family of regular reader Emmylou Newby of Belper, Derbyshire, who died early in the week in tragic circumstances. The unfortunate Miss Newby died of an allergic reaction to peanuts, when one of the marshmallows she accidentally swallowed happened to have been dipped in peanut butter.
Another full post and e-mail bag this week. The response to the Save the Golf Ball Appeal is still going amazingly well, with the grand total now standing at £67.89, 5 second & 2 First class stamps, 23 euros, 97 US cents, 8 drachma, 13 Yen, 6 Luncheon Vouchers and £120 worth of HMV money off vouchers, thanks to all those that have contributed, and please keep those donations rolling in. The response to the name the golf ball has been outstanding as well, so much so that I’ve had to narrow the selection field down from 77 suggestions to the top 10 (based on most suggestion received). The top ten are (in alphabetical order) :- Archimedes, Dimples, Huey, Joey, Mark (as if there aren’t enough fucking Mark’s round here), Pericon, Rex, Tiddles, Whitey and Zebedee. Thankfully they are some of the more sensible suggestions. For the next two weeks I need you the readers to vote on the name for the golf ball, picking one from the above list to vote for. Send your votes to the normal address headed Golf ball name vote.
In fact Ms Rhona Ramsbottom of Alnwick, Northumberland, wrote to suggest that to name a golf ball was a stupid idea, as it’s only an inanimate object and it wouldn’t know the difference. Well Ms Ramsbottom (there’s gotta be a joke in there somewhere), you are obviously a latecomer to Surerandomality, and not exactly Ms Current affairs, as if you’d have read issue 1 then you would know that in fact golf balls do have feelings.
It wouldn’t be the same without some correspondence from Mr Perrin of Hunstanton, however with him banged up for mail bombing, I have received correspondence this week from his lawyers who are writing to me to let me know that they are suing me for provoking their client into sending me a letter bomb. Well all I can say on the matter is FUCK OFF.
In fact it seems that a lot of correspondence this week has been legal documentation, as I have had letters from the legal representatives of all of the following ; O’Shea Jackson, Tracy Morrow, Andre Young, (all from Los Angeles), Erik Schrody, (from Chicago), Joseph Saddler, Eric Sermon, & Joseph Simmons (all from New York). All of them are asking for royalties from last week’s edition of Surerandomality, with regard to the Plagiarism time. Well due to the amount of legal correspondence I have been forced to enlist the services of the local solicitors firm, who’s address can be found in the footnotes. In future please send all legal documentation to them. Thanks.
As he turned from the bottom of the stairs and stepped onto the platform, the tube’s doors slid shut, it didn’t really matter, he always missed the fucking tube by seconds, it didn’t matter what time of day or when he was going, whenever he arrived the doors were always shutting. It was the same with all public transport all over the world, it was almost as if the driver had sensed him coming and knew it was time to leave. It was a good job that his sense of paranoia had reduced, as he might have believed that it was part of a global conspiracy to drive him to distraction. The good thing today was that he had plenty of time to get to Heathrow and on this service the tube was frequent. As the tube pulled out, he saw her, sat staring into space, oblivious to him again. In the 5 years since he had met her, he had seen her maybe 30 times, always in a different city, always on public transport leaving him behind. She never changed either, Hair and make up always immaculate, though always the same style, length and colours. He wondered whether he was imagining it, as it seemed she hadn’t aged either. Then again if he thought about it, nor had he in the same time, his hair was always the same, it hadn’t needed cutting since that first meeting, though he welcomed the fact that he no longer needed to shave.
At first it had freaked him out big time, he had tried to style it, only to find it back the original way in the morning, he’d even had it all shaved off, but it was back to it’s current length and style when he woke the next morning. He had learnt to live with it, thinking that at least it was a fairly non-descript hairstyle, and not some fucking style nightmare such as pink streaks or dodgy weave in dreads. As for the rest of him, it didn’t seem to matter what he did nothing changed, no matter what he ate or drank, every morning he was exactly the same, almost as if he was living some kind of permanent groundhog day, but with the actual date, and his life moving on.
He thought back to the woman, and thought back to the first time he had seen her. They were in some kind of strange white room, white as far as the eye could see, with a strange lighting method that threw no shadows, it was difficult to try and estimate how big the room was as there was no contrast to use to get a judgement. The only things in the room that weren’t white were their heads, their own and those of another 4 people. He hadn’t seen any of the other faces at all in the last 5 years, but had seen the woman at regular intervals. Always in front of him, as if escaping, always the same, from the first time in Kuala Lumpur, just a few days after he found himself awake in his apartment with no recollection of how he got there, through 4 different continents, in his home town of Philadelphia, and now here in his latest client’s home of London.
He had spent much time thinking whether it really was the same person, as there was no pattern, to the location, or to the frequency of sightings. It had been 3 months since the previous sighting, just a short hop away in Manchester, where he’d been a guest of his previous client at the commonwealth games, which in itself hadn’t been bad, just that with no Americans there it was hardly world class competition. The longest gap had been about a year which had ended with that sighting in Manchester, the shortest being just a day, between her being in his hometown, and then in San Francisco the very next day. The shock of that one had caused him to come to a grinding halt, and as his consciousness returned to him, he turned to see the tram was only a couple of hundred yards away. He had ran like a maniac after the tram, and caught up with it just as it was leaving it’s next scheduled stop, the good thing being that he could still get on even though it was moving. The seat that had only moments before housed the woman was empty, and she was not on the tram, he had jumped off and raced back to the stop, but there was no sign of the woman in any direction. If only he hadn’t frozen he might have been able to speak to her, though there was a large part of his consciousness that wondered whether he had just imagined it.
The rush of air and noise that greeted the arrival of a tube hit him, and he flashed back to the present. How long had he been stood there motionless, it seemed like an eternity, but looking at his watch indicated only 3 minutes had gone since he had arrived on the platform. People were staring at him, and he wondered what he had done while his mind was elsewhere to attract the attention, it had happened before, but only on a couple of occasions. He jumped on to the tube and occupied a seat next to an extremely attractive brunette, partly just because of that, and partly because of its convenient location near to the doors.
For a reason he couldn’t explain he always felt the need to be as near to an exit as he possibly could, almost as if he could make an escape at any moment, though by nature he was a rational calm man, recent years had added an edge to him that, although unnoticeable to strangers, had been picked up by those who knew him reasonably well. His closest associates, he found it difficult to go the whole enchilada and call them friends, as he couldn’t bring himself to confide in them, could pinpoint the change in him to roughly 5 years ago, and had tried to get inside him to help, but who could help, and who would have believed what he had to tell them. It was probably a good job that he had no surviving family members that he knew of, as to deny bloodlines would have been a lot tougher.
He casually glanced at the woman sat next to him, his initial estimation being somewhat off the mark. Extremely attractive was somewhat of an understatement; her hair was perfectly coiffured into a bob that allowed her striking features to be accentuated. Well-mascaraed eyelashes outlined the kind of perfectly green eyes that you could drown in. The remaining make up was minimal, with just a hint of pink lip gloss, on full, but not pouting lips, and a perfectly formed nose. She was slim, but not one of those horrible stick like creatures that graced so many a magazine cover, and wore a tailored cream suit, with a knee length skirt that showed shapely legs. Underneath was a smart white blouse that made the image of a perfect businesswoman, though still allowing her full feminity to show through. If he hadn’t been such a tongue-tied fool when it came to women he might have tried to declare his undying love there and then. However, she looked back at him, catching him looking at her, and he reddened visibly and turned away.
To be continued…
Everton are the only team in the football league whose name does not come from a location where the club is from.
The month of May takes it’s name from one of the daughters of the Roman God, Atlas.
Winnie the Pooh’s real name is Edward Bear.
Alaska became the USA’s 49th state in 1959. It was originally purchased from Russia for $7.2 million in 1867.
Due to time and space constraints, only a few short reviews this week.
Fight Club – Knockout. 3/5
Heat – Scorching. 4/5
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest – Crazy 4/5
Total Recall – Unforgettable. 3/5
Change at Baker Street (v).
During intercourse, to decide to play the b-side. From the only station on the London Underground where it is possible to change from the Pink Line (Hammersmith & City) to the Brown Line (Bakerloo ).
After a close tense week it has come to pass that not a lot has changed, the leader is still the same and the Cherokee Hair Tampons’ owner is still moaning about not being top, and only a midweek hat-trick from Henry prevented him dropping out of the top 2 due to the continued upward motion of Shhhoooooottt!!!!!!. Banjo Wielding Strikers are still bottom, and the Heald Place Harriers seem to be in free fall since they’ve been caught cheating. Well all that now has the chance to change as it’s transfer week again, and there is a bit of a tight deadline this week, you need to get your transfers in by 7.45 next Tuesday evening, by one of the normal methods. I.E phone, text, e-mail, word of mouth or carrier pigeon. Oh yeah, and here’s the table.
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Annual Table |
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Position |
Team |
Points |
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1st |
Free Transfer XI |
747 |
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2nd |
The Cherokee Hair Tampons |
725 |
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3rd |
Shhoooooottt!!! |
704 |
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4th |
Relegated By Christmas |
700 |
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5th |
Nottingham Saints |
647 |
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6th |
And Sergei Rebrov Wins The Golden Boot |
644 |
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7th |
Cartman's Heroes |
632 |
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8th |
Bonus F.C. |
614 |
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9th |
Big Unit's Cherries |
614 |
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10th |
Wednesday Wannabes |
592 |
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11th |
SMB Arsenal |
582 |
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12th |
Steps Into Jansen's Ring |
576 |
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13th |
Heald Place Harriers |
574 |
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14th |
Premiership Rejects |
560 |
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15th |
Geordies On Top |
548 |
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16th |
Maine Road 1923-2003 |
514 |
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17th |
Helen Chamberlain's Body Stocking |
501 |
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18th |
Banjo Wielding Strikers |
440 |
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Upto and Including 28th November |
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