Blonde of the week was won by Blondie after a return to form.

Congratulations to Dancing who is 25 on Sunday.

A mention to the discerning females of Manchester who, this weekend, bring about a first anniversary of enforced celibacy on Squirrel. S'pose it goes to show that Leicester women have lower standards.

It's coming, the first birthday of Surerandomality is nearly upon us, and the date is set for Friday 31^st October, keep your eyes peeled for further updates.

Saturday – Flew back in from the States.

Monday – Got bottle of Champagne for turning up at work.

Tuesday – Jetted off to Sweden

Thursday – Jetted back from Sweden

Lots of letters, not a lot of sense, now I don’t know how many times I’ve said that over the course of the last year, but I’m willing to bet that it’s more than once. So I’ve decided to do what any normal person would do, and just let you get on with it. Trust me, it’s easier that way.

No no no people! I am not going to go down the road of printing anything regarding the height of kid’s program’s characters. On while I’m on the subject, Rod, Jane and Freddy were human, no matter what the evidence to the contrary.

Meanwhile, following on from Mrs Malpas’ letter from a couple of weeks ago, I’ve had at least three people send me the exact same content, trying to pass it off as their own. Please stop. It really does help if you actually read this f#cking thing. You never know you might learn something.

Sven Svensson from West Spitzbergen, Norway, writes the following’ "Disse er Deres siste ord, så lager dem en bønn. Jeg bryr meg ikke om om han er Muhammad jeg er hard Bruce Lee! De forandrer ikke kjempere! Om det ikke arbeider De alltid slår ham med det. De er alltid gonna har problemer som løfte en kropp i et stykke. Tydelig skjærer den beste tingen gjøre opp et lik inn i seks stykker og stabler det all sammen. Ha De som noensinne trådd opp på veien, og De vender og en bils nesten på De? noe meget merkelig skjer. Deres liv avgasser ikke før Deres øyne, co De er også f#ckin' skremt tro - De fryser akkurat. ......and drar et dumt ansikt!" Yes mate you told us, I’m just not sure about the language.

And the next is a Luisia Luciano, from Maritimo, Portugal, who rambles on like this, "Estes são seus últimas palavras, então os fazem uma oração. Eu não cuido se é Muhammad eu sou Lee duro de Bruce! Você não pode mudar lutadores! Se o não funciona sempre pode bater nele com ele. São sempre gonna tem problemas levantando um corpo em um pedaço. Aparentemente a coisa melhor fazer é corta um cadáver em seis pedaços e amontoa todo junto. Você jamais pisou sobre a estrada, e você vira e um carro é quase em você? algo muito estranho acontece. Seua vida não reluz antes dos seus olhos, cias que você são demais f#ckin' espantou pensar - acaba de congelar. ......and puxa um rosto burro!" Don’t think I haven’t thunk about what they are on about, it’s just I don’t give a sh1t.

Next up is a letter that I don’t think was meant for us, but in the time honoured traditions held so dear here, we opened it anyway. It comes from somewhere in Israel as far as I can make out, but it seems to be written on some very old paper, anyway, "Yikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn. (His carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!) So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what? I go right into labour! "No problem," my obstetrician said, "make the trip." Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special, but it's been a madhouse ever since. first, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Immanuel; I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough already!). At least these three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?). We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling. Well, got to go. Joseph had another one of his goofy visions, so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations! All my love, Mary" Come again?

Still lots of suggestions for what to do for the first anniversary, but none that I can be ar5ed to print, as I can’t see me taking any of them up, although there does seem to be some things mentioned that are nagging at me. Mmm, we’ll see.

A number of you wrote in complaining that I printed a letter from Mr. Perrin about Rex. The basis of your complaints is that I promised if people continued to send in letters regarding Rex, I would be soaking them in cyanide and sending them back. So what, I’ve had one of my legendary changes of heart, so fac off.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

Shannon Williams, 37, has pleaded not guilty after being arrested in a prostitution sting in Oakland, Calif. A high school teacher in nearby Berkeley, Williams' defense is apparently that she thinks prostitution should be legal. "Not that I set out to be the poster child for prostitution, but this will certainly get people to focus on legalization," she said. "Sex is not a crime and sex workers should be allowed the same rights as any other profession. Women in the sex industry are entrepreneurs." She says that she thinks that "if the law is wrong, it must be challenged." - No people, there is no mention of her working for Pandoras

Mayor Gwendolyn Faison of Camden, N.J., has finally agreed to give up her chauffeured black Lincoln Town Car. Not because it's pretentious, but because it's stolen property. Camden police had recovered the car the same day it was stolen in nearby Pennsauken, but the police never notified the 70-year- old victim that they had found his car. Instead, Faison, 77, used it as her official vehicle. Even when the car's true ownership was revealed, Faison refused to give it back to the victim until weeks of bad publicity forced her hand. Camden County Prosecutor Vincent P. Sarubbi cleared the mayor of any wrongdoing and ordered an audit to see if any more stolen cars were being used by city officials. So far, investigators have found that the city's police department is using two other stolen cars. - In the words of Ice T, "When the cops are crooks, who can you trust?"

1. The Beatles - Sgt Pepper's lonely hearts club band
2. Oasis - (What's the story) Morning glory
3. Michael Jackson - Bad
4. Dire Straits - Brothers in arms
5. Simply Red - Stars
6. Michael Jackson - Thriller
7. Queen - Greatest Hits (Volume 1)
8. Spice Girls - Spice
9. Abba - Abba Gold Greatest hits
10. Shania Twain - Come on over

Friday morning saw some very unsteady forms leaving Chez Didsbury, after the shenanigans of the night before. Suffice to say there is no way on god’s green earth that Blondie should have been driving. Garden wasn’t fairing much better, but at least she didn’t have to have a couple of hours kip at work. Meanwhile Squirrel was annoyingly chirpy. After work saw G Man leap into action at half three, on a freebie booze session with his work colleagues. Hopalong and The Chemist were entrenched at Chez Didsbury and seemed reluctant to move or drink, and Squirrel went to meet up with G Man, however G Man’s phone took that moment to complete it’s journey to no power. This meant that Squirrel was left with the task of trying to find G Man in a pub somewhere in Didsbury. Thus began the quickest ever completion of the Didsbury dozen. (With the exception of the Clocktower, who wouldn’t let him in cos he was wearing trainers. How come the pub that is scally central in Didsbury is the only one with a dress code? Yes mate, come in, fight and smash the place up, you’re OK, you’ve got shoes on. F#cking d1cks.) Granted there were no drinks taken on board. He should have known he was up against mission impossible. I mean have any of you tried finding a midget in a packed pub? After a fruitless search, Squirrel then headed to the safe haven of XS, and got talking and drinking to the regulars, and therefore failed to meet up with Wes and Linda in Jabez. Kicking out time saw the normal journey over to Abduls, and then the bus ride home, where there was actually someone else up.

Saturday saw Most of the residents head out early to get subway, however this soon led them to the Olde C0ck inn to watch the football. The Chemist and Squirrel went to pick Little Mark (a different and littler Mark) and met the rest of them in the pub. They were joined by D1ckie boy, Dan, and Amanda, and more drinks were taken on board. G Man and Amanda were the first to leave, and the rest left in dribs and drabs, with Hopalong and Squirrel going to do p155ed shopping at Tesco. Back at Chez Didsbury the drinking restarted, and pretty soon there was just Hopalong and Squirrel there as G Man and Amanda were still out and the other residents and guests had gone to a party, (and not the animal fancy dress one that had been suggested the day before). Gemma came round, and at some stage G Man and Amanda came back. This prompted Squirrel to stop being a gooseberry and go to XS for a change. More dancing and drinking followed, and the closing time exit and trip to Abduls followed. Back at Chez Didsbury, Squirrel’s rest on the sofa was ended with a forcible ejection, by the return of the party goers.

Sunday came with no one in a particularly tip top state, after all the weekend to this point had got messy. The promise of fajitas subsided with the fact that Squirrel wasn’t functioning properly. Not much motion, football watching, and a DVD was the order of the day. Monday saw lots of work, and not much after. Tuesday was much the same, but with Squirrel and Garden going for a curry, and Hopalong taking it on himself to cook the fajitas, and the Chemist leaving the house to go to Tae Kwon do, and a stop in Squirrels. Wednesday saw a night off from football, and very little motion. Somewhat unsurprisingly, Thursday was a little different, with Gemma coming round to see Hopalong, G Man out with Amanda for a curry and The Chemist at Tae Kwon Do.

A young boy is asked to write about his grandparents as part of his fourth grade English class. Here is what he wrote:-

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

First let me draw the scene. Morning is on holiday with her other half Simon (pronounced as if he was Spanish). They are stood outside a restaurant looking at the menu.

Simon - Do you want to eat here then?

Morning - Mmm, I don't know, I fancy Mexican.

They are stood outside the biggest Tex Mex restaurant in the resort, complete with large sombreros on the wall.

The first elevator, called the Flying Chair, was erected in King Louis XV's private apartments in the Palace of Versailles in 1743. It gave him ready access to his mistress, Madame de Chateauroux, on the floor above. The Flying Chair was operated by weights.

A group of ravens is called a murder.

Africa has 11 official languages

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a sh1tzu, would it be called a bullsh1t?

Hairy Handshake (n).

A firm five fingered greeting that costs £10 from a woman behind a skip, after which there are no hard feelings.

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin' Catholic.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh1t that he really was."

Two aging Palestinians are sitting in a bar in Gaza one day chatting over a pint of goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and tearfully starts flipping through some old photos, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Ahmed. Looks just like me, doesn't he? He's a martyr. Here's my second son, Mohammed. What a good looking young man. He was a martyr, too, you know..." After a long pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says: "They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs!

What do you call a woman that’s up early every morning? Dawn.

What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward.

What do you call a man with three wooden heads? Edward Woodward.

What do you cal Edward Woodward if you can’t use the letter D? Ewar Woowar.

What do you call a woman that’s terminally ill? Di

What do you call a man who goes to exercise a lot? Jim

What do you call a woman that sings at Christmas? Carol

What do you call a man that everyone wipes their feet on? Matt

What do you call a man that’s just burnt himself? Ash

What do you call a woman with cow sh1t on her head? Pat

What do you call a man with no lower legs? Neil

What do you call a man with a bowls ball on his head? Jack

What do you call a woman that throws all her bills into the fire? Bernadette.

What can I say, things will get messy. A nigh on all day drinking session lined up on the Saturday to watch the England game, and to celebrate Dancing's birthday (everyone is invited - The Olde C0ck Inn in Didsbury 5pm start, 3pm if you want a good seat, and 8pm if you don't want to watch the football.). Anything could happen and is likely to. All I can say is I'm glad I'm not working Monday. See y'all next week.

Below is the fixture list for the rest of the season

DATE OPPONENTS KO Time

TBA The Team with no name TBA

15/10/2003 Hilti FC 7:00 PM

22/10/2003 The Firm Wed 10:00 PM

29/10/2003 Banus FC 7:00 PM

05/11/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 7:00 PM

12/11/2003 Dehulberto LaCortina 10:00 PM

19/11/2003 Ashton Athletic 10:00 PM

26/11/2003 The Team with no name 8:00 PM

03/12/2003 Hilti FC 8:00 PM

10/12/2003 The Firm Wed 9:00 PM

17/12/2003 Banus FC 9:00 PM

24/12/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 8:00 PM

Set in the ancient Briton settlement of Belgrave, which lies to the north of the city, and was swallowed up by the city during it’s expansion in the 20^th century. There may have been a Saxon church on the site, but there have been no remains found.

The first reference to a church is in 1082, when a much smaller building stood where the south transept of the current church stands. There is a coped tomb in the sanctuary dating from 1170, the font is Norman, and some of the sedilla and piscina from the late 12^th century can still be seen. Hidden behind the south porch is a 12^th century Romanesque doorway built into a 13^th century wall, which is due to the fact that it was moved from the original south wall when the aisle was widened. Just inside is a medieval tomb from the 13^th century, which has no markings, and no records exist for whom it was made for.

Roger de Belgrave enlarged the church and built the tower during the early 13^th century, the bottom part of the tower still remaining from this date, and the Norman archway on the south doorway still remains, covered and protected by the south porch added as a memorial to William Bradley in 1816. The tower originally had a spire but this, and most of the stained glass were damaged and later removed by a gale in 1824. The nave is from the early English period and has four bays, and the clerestory above is built in perpendicular style. The church was restored in 1857 by Ewan Christian, and the Jacobean style pulpit was removed and given to St. Michael’s, and replaced with the current stone one.

Inside are a number items from various times through it’s history, there is a Tudor monument on the north wall of the nave that shows damage likely to have been done to it during the civil war, the parish chest dates from 1550, the communion table in the sanctuary from 1819, the lectern from 1863, and the Chinese style screen across the chancel is from 1879.

The tower has eight bells, which date from 1630, three from 1631, 1871, and three from 1888, the clock dates from 1760, and although it no longer works, the movement is still in the belfry

Here’s this week’s random review

Jacob's Ladder. An early nineties film starring Tim Robbins as a Vietnam vet who consistently fails to distinguish between the real world and the world he has created for himself in his mind. Somewhat confusing in places, the first time I watched it, I thought I had a duff copy of it, as it ends somewhat abruptly. Only after securing a second copy did I realise it's supposed to end there. Probably need full concentration to watch it, could play havoc after any amounts of alcohol.

First the answer from last week. The correct answer is that the San Francisco 49ers won the first of their five Superbowl titles in 1982. The winner was a Gerald Rice from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, who wins the replica SF49ers helmet.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, Which record label is the artist 50 Cent on? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins the In Da Club CD single.

TOTAL = 24

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 782