Blonde of the week was won by Maggie, for her first ever title.

Happy Birthday to H (not the one from steps) who was 29 on Thursday.

Congratulations to Hit the Bar, who recorded their first win (on the pitch), on Wednesday night.

It's coming, the first birthday of Surerandomality is nearly upon us, and the date is set for Friday 31^st October, yep that's next Friday, so sort your costumes out, get your money and your crash out pads sorted.

You were expressing with your full capabilities this week, and judging by some of the things you have written, you should really be living in correctional facilities.

First up this week is a Ed Bowden from Harpenden, Hertfordshire, who writes, "There are some mental images I think the public should be spared from. David Mellor bonking in a Chelsea shirt was one. Richard Whiteley covering his girlfriend in raspberries during another string of romps is another. I think that publications have a duty to put some kind of chunder warning before the start of similar articles in future." And of course, you writing in and moaning about it helps matters doesn't it you f#cking half wit.

Then we've got a Janet Driver, from Cromer, Norfolk, who adds her thoughts to the dumb a55 question asked in last week's issue. "It would depend on the terrain. If it was on land then the sheer number of 100 duck sized horses would overwhelm the horse sized duck. However if the horse sized duck was able to lure the duck sized horses into water then it would be a different story." Thanks for that you moron.

Next up is Alison McDonald, from Aberdeen, in Scotland, who writes, "I am in no doubt that many envy the superstar lifestyles of the rich and the famous. But fame comes with a price, and part of that is worrying about weirdo such as the one stalking Kylie Minogue. I hope this nutter is caught quickly. Nobody should have to live their life under this sort of threat." You think that's bad, you should see some of the weirdo that try to find Chez Didsbury. And that's only the residents after a night out.

A Hans Stuck, from Leverkusen, Germany writes the following, "Diese sind Ihre letzten Wörter, damit sie ein Gebet macht. Ich sorge mich nicht, wenn er Muhammad ist, den ich hart Bruce Lee bin! Sie können Kämpfer nicht ändern! Wenn es Sie immer nicht arbeitet, ihn können damit schlagen. Sie sind gonna Probleme immer hat, die einen Körper in einem Stück aufheben. Offensichtlich ist das beste Ding, zu machen, auf eine Leiche in sechs Stücke geschnitten und ist es alle zusammen angehäuft. Sind Sie auf die Straße, und Sie und eines Autos fast auf Ihnen je geschritten drehen? etwas sehr fremd geschieht. Ihr Leben leuchtet nicht auf, bevor Ihre Augen, co Sie auch hat erschrocken ficken, - Sie zu denken, nur frieren. ......and zieht ein dummes Gesicht!" See I told you it was better to write about some subjects before ze Germans got there.

Miguel Cordoba, from Alicante in Spain, tries to make sense of things with the following explanation, "Estos son sus últimas palabras, así que los hacen una oración. ¡Yo no cuido si él es Muhammad yo soy Sotavento duro de Bruce! ¡Usted no puede cambiar a combatientes! Si no lo trabaja siempre lo puede golpear consigo. Usted es siempre gonna tiene los problemas que levantan un cuerpo en un pedazo. Aparentemente la mejor cosa para hacer es cortado en pedazos un cadáver en seis pedazos y lo amontona todo juntos. Ha dado un paso jamás usted en el camino, y usted gira y un coche es casi en usted? algo muy extraño sucede. ¡Su vida no destella antes sus ojos, co usted es demasiado joder espantó de pensar - usted acaba de congelar. ......and tira una cara estúpida!" No people, I didn't understand a single word of what' just been said, and yes people you may tell me, it doesn't clear anything up at all.

I can't believe how literal some of you are. Of course getting pissed is one the ideas of next week's party, and no it can't be transferred to Brussels, there's already far too much transferred there as it is.

OK. Finally, Mr Perrin, can name his golf balls rex1 to rex12, but there will be no more mention of either Mr Perrin or Rex in the letters page from this point forward. However please look out for the merchandise section from next week, where official Rex golf balls will be available.

That's it for the letters for this week, BUT there will be more next week. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

A couple of items that caught my eye this week

A judge in Beaver County, Penn., has thrown out an appeal of a school expulsion. The appeal, filed by the mother of a 13- year-old girl, argued that the girl should not have been disciplined since school rules don't specifically prohibit girls from performing oral sex on boys on the school bus. She apparently did not dispute that her daughter committed the offense, which was witnessed by several other students. The 13-year-old boy who was the recipient of her attentions was also expelled. - Sh1t, I went to the wrong f#cking school

Mayor Stephen P. Laffey of Cranston, R.I., says he did nothing improper when he hired a private detective to make videos of city employees sleeping on the job. "That's a public building and there's not a reasonable expectation to privacy there," the mayor said after being criticized by the American Civil Liberties Union. "There is no civil liberty to sleep on the job." - No, but wouldn't it be good if there was.

1. USSR 12/04/1961
2. USA 20/02/1962
3. Czechoslovakia 02/03/1978
4. Poland 27/06/1978
5. East Germany 26/08/1978
6. Bulgaria 10/04/1979
7. Hungary 26/05/1980
8. Vietnam 23/07/1980
9. Cuba 18/09/1980
10. Mongolia 22/03/1981

Friday night started early, with Squirrel meeting Kate and Kev in Simple in the city, and on the whole he was taking things fairly easy. Meanwhile back at Chez Didsbury the entire residents a55ociation were in full effect, and were getting ready to head into Didsbury to meet up with Jayne. After a few beers Squirrel left Kate and Kev in Simple in the city and headed to Kro2 to meet up with Tessa. At the same time, Hopalong, G Man, The Chemist, Ricky Organ and Amanda were getting to the Pitcher and Piano, where they seemed to stay for the rest of the evening. After a few beers Squirrel and Tessa headed to XS as a kind of nostalgia thing, and met with the usual locals in the corner. Tessa left after a couple as she had a journey to Suffolk early on the Saturday morning. Squirrel left at throwing out time to head over for the obligatory Abdul's, before heading home. Back at Chez Didsbury Ricky Organ, for some inexplicable reason was asleep on the sofa, and Squirrel couldn't resist the temptation to put on MTV at a very loud volume and then ask Ricky Organ "Why don't you go to bed then." What Squirrel didn’t know until the day after was why Ricky Organ was there in the first place. It would seem that while at Jayne’s, the arrogance kicked in again and he took it upon himself to criticize her taste in music. This led to a bit of an argument, which led to the attempt by Ricky Organ to flush Jayne’s CD’s down the toilet. This, somewhat unsurprisingly, didn’t go down too well, and after copping an elbow in the face from Jayne, he was ejected by her parents and had to return to Chez Didsbury, where he found that the Chemist, for the first time ever, had actually taken up the invitation to use his bed.

Saturday saw most of the Chez Didsbury residents up and around early on, and heading to the new Saturday afternoon location of the Olde C0ck Inn to watch the football. The notable absentee was Squirrel who despite phone calls from Hopalong and G Man and text messages from Wes decided it was best to stay in bed til half four. The residents returned from the pub, along with Phil after the football had finished and proceeded to attack the baby. Phil left in the early evening, and the residents had a return to the old fashioned days of sitting around drinking, watching sh1t TV and playing poker and Sh1thead. Ricky Organ went to try and apologise but was turned away.

Sunday saw various things happening. An afternoon visit to the driving range by everyone apart from Squirrel. Lots of watching football, and basically a lot of lounging. Monday saw more football watching and lounging. Tuesday saw Squirrel punish the other residents with the chilli from hell. G Man managed to avoid the brunt of this by going to Greens with Amanda, and Paul resisted, due to the fact that he was going to Tae Kwon Do. Wednesday saw visitors to watch the united game, with Dancin round before going to play football, and D1ckie Boy. It led to an hour during which, there was the strangest echo sensation, with most of the conversation being repeated twice, due to the fact no one was listening to what had just been said. After the match everyone went to play late night football, and then returned and watched late night poker.

The hijacker let out a small laugh, before replying, "No, there are no deaf mutes here, so bearing that in mind, I think the best place for you is sat just here in front of me, seeing as there seem to be a lack of your fellow passengers over here."

He walked over to the seat indicated and wondered just what had got into him today. He had always been sarcastic, but had normally kept this to himself, and yet all he'd done all day was be sarcastic to people with guns, that were threatening both himself and every one else here. He found that he just couldn't help himself, and that the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Perhaps he should ask for the gag that he had been threatened with on the plane, at least that way his mouth couldn't get him any more trouble today.

He sat down on the seat, and within seconds found himself doing what he's noticed every other one of the hostages doing. He was just sat there staring off into the distance in front of him. He shook his head and focused his vision out into the airport. He could see a number of people moving around on the tarmac outside, and it looked as if they were preparing the refuelling lorries, and the sets of steps that are used for embarking and disembarking planes. Pretty soon he could see the reason for the activity. Coming in to land was a strange looking plane, which although he recognised it from films, he couldn't think what it was called. It just looked like a long cardboard box with some wings stuck on as an afterthought.

It took a few minutes for the thing to land and taxi up to virtually outside the airport lobby. The men outside sprang into life, and the refuelling rig was hooked up in double quick time. The steps were rolled up to the side door of the plane, but someone from the plane opened the door, and gesticulated for a few seconds, before closing the door again. The steps were towed away out of sight.

A voice broke through his watching the goings on. "Ladies and Gentlemen, could you all please stand and move to the doors. You are about to embark on the last part of today's journey. Yet again, let me stress that if anyone tries anything then we will shoot."

As if to emphasise the point, one of the hijackers fired once, and the TV screen at the far end of the lounge disintegrated in a pop of shattering glass.

The man continued. "All the men are extremely accurate, so it is best not to try their patience. Just walk out to the rear of the plane and up the ramp, and the men on board will show you to where you are to be seated."

With that the doors to the tarmac were opened, and the hostages began their walk out to the plane. Nobody tried anything, and nobody said anything. They all just got onto the plane and headed to the indicated seats.

The Chemist – If you spray anti-freeze on your windscreen when it’s not frozen, will it clean the windscreen?

A group of larks is called an exaltation.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII.  If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy."  Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Chorus from Mama Jo's bongos (n).

An early morning fart that sounds like someone from Scooby Doo running on the spot before scarpering from the ghost.

A man is holidaying in the Holy Land with his wife and mother in law. Sadly, just hours after they arrive, the mother in law is taken seriously ill, and tragically, she passes away. The very next day, the grieving couple visit an undertaker who explains that while they can ship the body home it will cost over £5,000. To bury the old girl here in the Holy Land, will strip them of only £500. "We'll ship her home," insists the husband. "Are you sure," asks the undertaker, "that seems a huge expense when we could perform a wonderful burial right here?" "You listen to me," reiterates the husband, "two thousand years ago, they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Every Saturday for 30 happy years, a man gets up early in the morning and goes fishing. It's his little ritual. He wakes up, prepares some lunch, hooks his boat to the truck and heads out for a day's ocean plucking. One Saturday he wakes as usual, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and hooks the boat up. He opens the garage door… and disaster! There's a torrential downpour outside! Worse, the wind is blowing like a hurricane! It's a tough decision, but wisely the old boy skips fishing for the first time in 30 years - it's just too risky. Miserable, he creeps back upstairs, undresses and climbs into bed. "The weather out there is absolutely atrocious, " he whispers to his wife. "Can you believe it?" she replies, "My husband is out there fishing in that sh1t!"

A little old man boards a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can't help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It's a few uneasy minutes before finally, the little old man can take no more. "Golf balls," he nods reassuringly. The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she pipes up, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A curious lad approaches his father, Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? Well son, begins dad, a little taken aback, There are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties a woman's breasts are like melons, firm and round. In her thirties they're like pears - still great but a little bit hanging. Anytime after that, they're like onions. Onions? Asks the lad. Oh yes replies the dad, she peels back that bra and you cry your eyes out.

A mother and her young son are flying from London to Chicago. After staring out of the window for some considerable time, the boy asks a question. Mum, he asks, if dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes. Certain she'll have to fess up all the mucky details of sex, mum avoids the question. Go and see the stewardess, she replies, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to answer your question. Off the boy skips down the aisle to the stewardess. Excuse me miss, he says, if dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes? Did your mother tell you to come and ask me that? Asks the stewardess, realising the dilemma she faces. Sure did, said the little boy. Well then, starts the stewardess, tell mummy, there are no baby planes because this airline always pulls out on time. Now let her explain that to you.

What do women and clouds have in common? Sooner or later they fac off and it's a beautiful day.

A young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it! They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"

Rumours have abounded about just what is going on this week, but as most of them are spurious and not genuine, then they are probably worth fac all. I've heard Blackpool mentioned, but that might just have been me listening to football results and getting a little confused. The plan on the whole should be a take it easy weekend, so that the body and mind is perfectly tuned ready for next week's extravaganza. Chances are though, that somewhere along the line it will get messy. See y'all next week.

Below is the complete list of transfers. Somewhat unsurprisingly though it would appear that everyone has dumped Alpay quicker than someone with the sh1ts. On the whole it seems there is a one track mind out there as he seems to have been replaced by Kenny Cunningham. There have been a number of teams that haven't made transfers, due to the fact that they think they're too good, or that they're so sh1t they don't think it's worth it.

Squirrel - Made some great blocks, and caught the ball cleanly. 6

G-man - A composed display; ran, tackled and finished will an 11 goal haul. 8 SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN

The Chemist - Played a significant part in frustrating the opposition early on - although lost interest in the second half. 6

Ricky Organ - Missed as many as he put-away; if only he played as well as he shouts. 5

Hopalong - Always provided an passing option and made it onto the score sheet for the first time in a rare appearance. 6

Dancing - Created space well, but too often caught in possession. 6

Division 5

Below is the fixture list for the rest of the season

DATE OPPONENTS KO Time

29/10/2003 Banus FC 7:00 PM

05/11/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 7:00 PM

12/11/2003 Dehulberto LaCortina 10:00 PM

19/11/2003 Ashton Athletic 10:00 PM

26/11/2003 The Team with no name 8:00 PM

03/12/2003 Hilti FC 8:00 PM

10/12/2003 Edgeley Wreckheads 9:00 PM

17/12/2003 Banus FC 9:00 PM

24/12/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 8:00 PM

Set in the ancient Briton settlement of Belgrave, which lies to the north of the city, and was swallowed up by the city during its expansion in the 20^th century.

Belgrave Hall, was built from 1709 to 1713 by Edmund Craddock, and his wife Anne, and his initials can be seen on various parts of the structure. It was unusual for a property of this rather modest size to take so long to build, but the plans for it were changed during it’s construction, which can be seen in the brick work, and by the design and layout of the house, and would explain the rather unusual positions of the stairs and the kitchen. The stables were built in 1710, and today houses the Beaumanor Coach, which Sir William Herrick of Beaumanor Hall had made in 1740.

The Craddocks died in 1715, and the house left the family, and in 1721 it was purchased by John Simon of Thurmaston, and the new owners acquired the large gardens to the front of the property, that now stand as Belgrave Gardens. In 1767 Thomas Southwell of Nottingham purchased the estate to lease to his in-laws, the Vann family, whose head William Vann was the High Sheriff of Leicestershire. It passed to his brother James, who was also the High Sheriff, and then to James’ widow. The Vann family built the Belgrave house, which stands opposite the front of the house, and actually moved in to this to live.

After her death in 1844 to house was acquired by John Ellis, the foremost name in the driving of the railways in Leicestershire, he was the principal sponsor of the Leicester and Swannington Railway, and by the time of his death in 1862, was the chairman of the Midland Railway. When he died the house was kept by his seven daughters.

When the last of the Ellis women died in 1923, Thomas Morley bought the house, and was the last private owner of the house, as in 1936 the Leicester Corporation bought the house, and turned it into the museum it is today, showing the family life of a reasonably well off family in early Georgian times.

The grounds hold a couple of interesting monuments. There is a statue, simply known as the statue of religion, which was made by Louis Roubiliac from white Carrara marble in 1760, and was presented to the city of Leicester in 1857 by Richard William Penn Earl Howe, and was moved to the gardens when the hall was opened as a museum. It was originally dedicated to Edward Houldsworth and was in Gopsal Hall, as was the Cenetaph that stands at the end of the gardens. This was made in 1764 by Richard Hayward, and bears the image of Virgil's tomb, the reclining figure of Genius, Virgil's bust, and an inscription paying tribute to Edward Houldsworth in Latin.

Here’s this week’s random review

Eddie Murphy - Delirious. Film made from one of his stand up shows during the "delirious" tour in 1983. Without doubt the best ever stand up show ever to make it to video, and one that is harder to find than rocking horse sh1t, since being deleted in 1988. Some of the then topical jokes are a bit dated (and American as well), and there are bits of rampant sexism, homophobia, and racism, but it doesn't make it any less funny. It still has me laughing out loud some 18 years after first seeing it. If you can get a copy then snatch it up, even if you don't like it, you're bound to find someone who'll quite happily pay £20+ for it.

First the answer from last week. The correct answer is that Area 51 is in Nevada. The winner was Fox Scully from Detroit in the US, who has mysteriously disappeared since entering the competition.

For this week’s competition, all I want to know is, how many male cards only have one eye showing? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat next Wednesday afternoon, wins the porno cards from snatch.

TOTAL = 25

CUMMILATIVE TOTAL = 830