Tonight, 8.30, Scubar. That's all you need to know. Now all you need to do is get yourselves there. I'm sure most of you know where it is, but for those of you that aren't exactly Mr. or Miss Current Affairs, it can be found just off Oxford Road, between the Footage, and the Manchester Aquatics Centre. The plan is quite simple a couple of hours sampling the delights of Scubar, which includes the infamous shooter menu, and Goldfish bowls, and then it is on to a clubbing location. Even at this late stage there is no definite location for the final destination, but there is a shortlist of three, and the decision will be made by those out depending on the mood. The three possible locations are 5th Ave, Jabez Clegg, and Northern Funk at Subspace. For those of you still not sure about coming out, it is still possible to arrange somewhere to crash. Just contact one of the usual suspects and they'll be able to help. If all else fails ring the Squirrel hotline on 0781 645 8542. Just look on the bright side, there is a better chance of being able to claim Squirrel's bed than Squirrel can possibly manage. This is due to the fact that the more alcohol he has the higher percentage chance of his final destination being the living room in Chez Didsbury, After all, there's more chance of a meteorite hitting Manchester than of Squirrel pulling.

First appearing in Issue Gamma, this has been the area where, births, birthdays, deaths, marriages, upcoming events and Blonde of the week has been announced each and every week, however, just remember that now that Surerandomality is moving to fortnightly, so is the Blonde award, and not only that, but it doesn't include just work, blonde marks can be achieved anywhere and at any time. Long may it continue.

Blonde of the week was won by Squirrel.

This weekend also sees the first anniversary of Surerandomality.

It's coming, no let me correct myself, it's here, it's the first birthday of Surerandomality today (tomorrow if you're a pedant), and the game is on. Scubar at 8.30, be there or don't get a mention in the next issue..

Yes people, this is your chance to win a genuine prize. Below are 25 questions regarding the events of the last year as they have appeared in Surerandomality. All the answers to the questions can be found somewhere on the pages of Surerandomality during the last year. The prize will be copy number two of the Surerandomality album (call me sentimental, but I want to keep copy one), plus another as yet unidentified piece of Surerandomality history, plus a £10 HMV voucher. (No Squirrel you can't enter). Entries have to be back to me by Wednesday 12^th November. Most correct answers will win. No correspondence will be entered into regarding the answers, and duplicate copies of Surerandomality will not be issued during the next two weeks.

Reader's letters first appeared in issue two, as I got feedback from the first issue. There have been some really strange letters sent in by all kinds of fruitcakes, but the ongoing theme has to be the unfortunate case of the Surerandomality obsessed Mr Perrin. He wrote in complaining about being on the mailing list, and then after refusal to take him off, cos he didn't meet the required stipulations for removal, he moaned. He got lawyers involved, then sent a mail bomb, was arrested and sent to Lincoln Prison. Once there he changed his tune and became an avid reader, and an avid letter sender, and tried to get a job after taking a creative writing course. Once out of Prison he tried to become a guide to show people the location of the Surerandomality office, but this wasn't financially viable so he returned home to Hunstanton, and seems to have got over his obsession.

There was of course of large number of letters through the whole case of Rex, with the appeal being started, the naming of him, the search for him, his rescue, and untimely death, the dispersion of funds from the appeal, and the memorial service. The last few weeks have seen the rise of letters again with some merchandising in the pipeline.

Apart from that there was a whole series of letters with people slagging off other peoples towns and cities, and counties. Letters on seventies and eighties cartoon characters. Letters stating the bleeding obvious. Letters commenting on the news, and for a while a disturbing trend of people writing in about soaps. And not to forget the on going tradition of printing foreign language correspondence. This despite being ostracised by both the French and German authorities for constant sniping at them. Along the way there have been numerous letters from solicitors as well, as some well known personalities have taken exception to me plagiarising them over the course of the year.

Then there has been a whole series of letters having a pop at yours truly, and this publication. Complaints have included, blatant Americanisation, corporate sponsorship, Inaccurate reporting of the previous week's events, decline in general quality, failure to keep the web site up to date at all times, fixing the fantasy football, being the son of Ron, and blatant sexism. All in all, all of these charges have been answered in the only way possible. By outright denial, followed by a swift f#ck off.

The letters have come thick and fast by both snail mail and e-mail, and to try and get any that make sense to put into each issue is an effort, which is somewhat hampered by the fact that it would appear that there is nothing resembling quality control out there in the real world. All I can hope for in the future is that you all stop trying to send in stuff relating to seventies and eighties children's programme characters, as there is absolutely, positively, no f#cking need to do it.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

Another section that appeared in the second issue of Surerandomality, and has since then had one or two news stories every week, taken from wherever I see them. There are no new stories this week, but instead there are two class stories picked up during the last year. Most of the time this section does little to disprove the fact that Americans are about as much use as a chocolate fireguard, and these two classics aren't an exception.

Not a news story, but a copy of an old very strange coroners report.

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

This shows just what great thinkers the Americans are.

Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new scientific theories."

THE RUNNERS-UP:

4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

A LIST 1. G Man 51 (388) 2. Squirrel 50 (411) 3. Hopalong 48 (262)

B LIST 4. Mr Perrin 47 (63) 5. Rex 45 (211) 4. Ricky Organ 45 (208)

C LIST 7. Wes 26 (101) 8. Becky 25 (64) 9. Mary 24 (43) 10. Garden 21 (49) 11. The Chemist 20 (66) 12. Kate 20 (38)

D LIST 13. Blondie 19 (38) 14. Jayne 19 (33) 15. Tessa 17 (47) 16. Kev 13 (15) 17. Wallace 12 (20) 18. Amanda 11 (19) 19. Morning 11 (14) 20. Phil 10 (15) 21^st= Seeks 10 (12) & Dancing 10 (12)

The next list is the top twenty destinations visited by the celebrities. This is based on the number of visits mentioned in Surerandomality. The number in brackets is the total amount of mentions.

1. XS 38 (56) 2. Casino (Viva Las Vegas) 20 (35) 3. Squirrels 18 (21) 4. 5th Ave 15 (33) 5. Jabez Clegg 15 (27)

6. The Friendship 15 (19) 7. Dog & Partridge 14 (15) 8. Powerleague 13 (13) 9. Parrswood 12 (15) 10. Clocktower 11 (14)

11. Abduls 11 (11) 12. Scubar 8 (30) 13. Ye Olde C0ck Inn 8 (13) 14. Slug & Lettuce (Didsbury) 8 (8) 15. Teasers 7 (9)

16. Hogshead (Didsbury) 6 (7) 17. Orange Grove 5 (8) 18. Sinclair's Oyster Bar 5 (7) 19. Walkabout 4 (11) 20. Rising Sun 4 (8)

The third list is the top ten rundown on who has won the most Blonde of the Week awards since it's inception back at the end of February. Just remember that now that Surerandomality is moving to fortnightly, so is the Blonde award, and not only that, but it doesn't include just work, blonde marks can be achieved anywhere and at any time.

1. Blondie 11

2. Morning 6

3. Seeks 4

4=. Garden 3

4=. Karen 3

6=. Squirrel 2

6=. Kate 2

8=. Sarah 1

8=. The Chemist 1

8=. Maggie 1

Attempting to shave eyebrows. G Man's birthday, Viva Las Vegas and Bar 38 toilets. Window shopping Amsterdam style. Ricky Organ's Darth Maul pulling pants. I'm the Drummer from Supergrass. The Jewel in the Crown Incident. Minda. Two days are more convincing than one. Parking trouble. The Getaway. Monday night, these are a few of my favourite things. Road trip to Newcastle. Christmas Parties and Tequila Roulette. Pub Crawls. New Year's Eve success. Squirrel on the wagon. Olympic training. Casino (Viva Las Vegas) weekdays. Fancy Dress parties. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Snowboarding. Great fire of Burnage. Donkey Porn. Old Trafford Football. Swiss Miss. XS nights and dodgy taxis. Squirrel off the wagon. Blondie's birthday, Teasers puking, and armpit licking. Bgerking. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, Yes worm boy. China. Speaking Pikey. Portuguese showers. Surerandomality night out. P155ed shopping. Blondie makes a goon of herself on live radio. Puking in girlfriend's hands. Temporary residents. Squirrel puking. Streaking at Alton Towers. Housewarming parties. Christening the porch. XS Fridays. Tiger Tiger and Shorts. Getting sacked. Thursday night 5th Ave. FA cup final and hip tosses. The Clocktower alldayers. Boring Tuesdays. Barbecue mayhem and fugal sticks. Squirrel's birthday and how many shots. G Man working with Squirrel. I have never in the Slug and Lettuce. Casino on Line. More temporary residents. No hot water. Five a side football. XS Saturdays. Nightmare dates. Punch ups, beatings and hospital visits. Jabez follow throughs. Hopalong's Birthday champagne extravaganza. Holiday balcony toilets. All weekend drinking bouts and Saturday afternoons in Ye Olde C0ck. Thursday night liaisons. Throwing drinks on people. England games and all day birthday drinking. Toilet flushing. Strike shooters.

Anyway, let's get this week's events started.

Friday night saw G Man and Hopalong in the Parrswood straight from work (after G Man had actually had a five o clock finish on a Friday - poor lamb). They were joined by their other halves (Amanda and Gemma respectively). After a while they returned to Chez Didsbury to find Squirrel, Ricky Organ and The Chemist lounging, drinking beers and playing Tekken bowl. Little did they know then that the game was going to heat up. From the dusty archives of Chez Didsbury the Tequila roulette wheel was found and was filled with the remnants of the Absinthe and Bombay Sapphire, plus Vodka, Irish Cream, Stella and Blackcurrant juice. Every strike in Tekken bowl meant a shot decided by fate and a loss meant two. Needless to say but this tip top idea led to things getting messy. The Bombay Sapphire disappeared quickly and was replaced by more vodka, the absinthe wasn't far behind with more Irish Cream taking over. Then disaster struck with the last of the blackcurrant going, which meant replacing it with more Stella. Hopalong was extremely tempted to join in, but, probably the best in the long run, decided to go back to his room with Gemma. Just after midnight the first victim was claimed with The Chemist having to retire to his comfortable floor. However it wasn't early enough to stop him puking into his suitcase and over his jeans and pillow. Regardless Squirrel and Ricky Organ pushed on, only for Ricky Organ to pass out in his chair, and Squirrel to eventually crash out on the sofa, performing his usual trick of sleeping and holding his beer upright. Ricky Organ awoke in the daylight hours and gave his moisturiser to Hopalong, though the reason for the need is unknown.

Saturday came with G Man up early and out and about. Squirrel woke still holding his beer, finished it in traditional style and then cleared out the remaining shots on the roulette wheel. He dozed as everyone else surfaced and football was watched. Movement was not the highest priority and the only person to leave the house for any great length of time was G Man who went to watch football and then spent the night at Amanda's. Hopalong surfaced mid afternoon demanding a fry up, and then went back to his room. Lots of sh1t telly followed all the way through to Squirrel going to bed after the clocks went back and after watching the final game of the Baseball World Series.

Sunday came with more sport watching and most of the residents going to the driving range again. Monday saw little motion, and Jayne coming round to see Ricky Organ. Tuesday saw Hopalong and G Man in the Parrswood straight from work again. Ricky Organ then joined them, and Squirrel met up with them when he eventually got out of work. Amanda arrived later, before everyone wandered back to Chez Didsbury, most of them via happy Garden. The Chemist meanwhile was doing the normal Tuesday night thing of Tae Kwon Do followed by Squirrels. Wednesday saw an early kick off for the five a side football, and another lifestyles of the rich and famous outing, this time to Luton. It also saw the first trick or treaters brave enough to tackle the door of Chez Didsbury. Somewhat surprisingly, they didn’t go around empty handed as G Man gave them the tin of shortbread biscuits that were in the house. However, this isn’t the generous act it would appear. The tin had been lying around the house for well over a month and only had one extremely soggy biscuit in it. The tin was found discarded a few yards down the road on the way out to football. In reality, with the anniversary night out coming up, Thursday should have been one of the quietest nights in history, but does anybody listen. Straight from work it was Morning, Karen, Blondie, Seeks , Squirrel and Bert, and a 5pm start in Brannigans. Alcohol, that early in the proceedings on any night in living memory is going to mean that things get messy, however seeing as everyone except squirrel had left by half seven, there was still the possibility of a quiet night. Especially seeing as G Man was going to Amanda's and Hopalong was waiting for contact from Gemma. The Chemist was off to Tae Kwon Do, which left Ricky Organ alone at Chez Didsbury, desperately ringing housemates up asking for peppers. After a monumental effort in Brannigans to secure a pink item, Squirrel headed to Fallowfield and managed to blag a pink fan in the friendship, before meeting up with Malc and the other cronies in XS, and a post midnight return to Chez Didsbury, chilling before a mad Friday out. Meanwhile Hopalong and Gemma had headed to Deansgate locks and hit Baa Bar and Loaf, before arriving back in the early hours.

Story time took on the mantle from the pre Surerandomality work the Weekend has Landed, and delved into a world of fiction, which sometimes was surreal, and for the most part random. The first issue told the story of Rex (as he became known later) a consciousness that found themselves in a golf ball in a reincarnated life, and his journey from birth to the bottom of a pond. His plight touched the hearts of many readers, which caused an appeal to find and save him. This eventually led to a section devoted to his cause, until after the memorial service.

Through the year there have been many stories, from 8 foot long snails, the secret thoughts of dogs, the man who turned into fruit and veg, and the boy who cried fire, to the multi part main story that continues to this day, and that will continue to go on as future editions of Surerandomality come out. Along the way there have also been two Plagiarism times, which made up mini stories but made up by having every word in them made from song lyrics, mainly from rap songs. Then there have been those occasions when the really random and surreal have taken over and random word association just flows onto the page.

Then there have been weeks when due either to being a busy little b'stard or having no creative juice at all that there hasn't been anything in story time at all. However with the move to fortnightly this should enable time to guarantee that there is content in this section every week.

Sometimes you may not understand what you have just read, but that's half the idea, Think about it.

Arriving in The Double Carpet Issue, it was felt that it would be good to record for posterity some of the really dumb a55 things that the residents of Chez Didsbury and people that they come into contact with. Due to the fact that nobody has really said anything quote worthy this week, here is a selection of the best to date.

Sarah (Talking about homeless people) - They always claim to have no money, yet they always have mint sleeping bags

Squirrel (to random woman struggling with heavy bags at Piccadilly) - Do you want a hand with them?

Random Woman - Yes please

Squirrel starts clapping as wandering off.

Morning (while talking about suitcase weight for her impending holiday) - I know how many kilo's I can take, but what is that in Kilograms?

The Chemist (talking about David Pleat) - He didn't look that old when he was younger.

After the evening’s five a side game

Squirrel - Next week’s game is a ten o clock kick off

D1ckie Boy - What, at night?

Ricky Organ - No in the morning, we’re all taking the day off work

The Chemist - Where was Nez?

Ricky Organ - He’s in Nottingham

The Chemist - Where’s Nottingham?

In from issue one, it does exactly what it says on the tin and every week three random facts appear here. For the anniversary edition here are the best five as chosen by the editor from the year (yes, unfortunately that's me again!).

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material of the indestructible black box?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Arriving in Issue IV, this was brought about after G Man's birthday weekend and the gift of the Profanisaurus swearing dictionary, as seen in Viz. As copied in Surerandomality.

Stellavision (n).

Beer goggles, but specifically with the help of Stella Artois. As worn by Squirrel every time he's ever been drinking.

In from issue one, and done as a way of collating the week's jokes, instead of just forwarded them on willy nilly when they arrived in my inbox. There have been some cracking jokes, and some really sh1t ones, but just about everything manages to find it's way in, with only three jokes over the last year that have been considered too dodgy to put in (and that should be a good indication of just how dodgy they were). Contrary to rumours there are some that aren't put in cos they're too crap.

Anyway for this anniversary issue I've trawled the archives and picked out 15 of the best jokes from the last year. Granted that is in my opinion and some of you may not agree, but tough. Basically, if you don't like it then try to subscribe to something else, as if you're going to get off this mailing list.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F#CKING DISHES!!"

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies, "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" Dave replied, "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says," Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the f#ck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day, the dog starts chasing butterflies and, before long, he discovers he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction, with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Irish Setter thinks, "Man, I'm in deep sh1t, now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately setting down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard, "that was close. That dog nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

Two women who are waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," explains the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they have requested an audience, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack, and the Pope says," Dopey my son, what may I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and says, "No Dopey there are no Dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling and Dopey turns and gives them a glare to silence them. Dopey turns back, "Your worship are there any Dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe?" The Pope puzzled now, thinks for a moment and replies, " No Dopey, there are no Dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all the Dwarfs burst into laughter, and once again Dopey silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "YOUR EXTREME Holiness are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, The Pope responds, "I am sorry my son but there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears stream down there cheeks as they began chanting....... "Dopey shagged a penguin!!!....Dopey shagged a penguin!!!!"

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "my elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor". His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." Peter figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in a fortnight. That evening whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

An Eskimo’s car breaks down and a Welshman stops to help. He tells the Eskimo the problem is you’ve blown a seal. The Eskimo replies, so what you f#ck sheep.

In a carriage on a train were 4 people. A young Englishman, A middle aged Frenchman, and old fierce looking woman, and a stunning 20 year old blonde. The train went into a tunnel and being a normal train the lights in the carriage didn't work. Whilst in the dark there was the sound of a loud slap, and when the train came out of the tunnel, the Frenchman was rubbing the side of his face where there was a red hand mark. The old woman thought the Frenchman must have tried to put his hands on the young girl and she slapped his face. The young girl thought that the Frenchman must have tried to put his hands on me, but touched the old woman instead and she slapped his face. The Frenchman thought that the Englishman must have tried to put his hands on the young girl, and she thought it was me, and slapped me. The Englishman thought, I hope there's another tunnel soon so that I can slap that French twat again.

Texas police have found a badly burnt penis up a tree... Experts reckon it's a shuttle c0ck

There are 100 nuns in a nunnery. One day the Mother Superior calls an emergency meeting. "Nuns" she says, "a terrible thing has happened. I have found a condom." At the news 99 nuns went "Oh no!" and 1 went "Ha ha ha ha." "If the Arch Bishop ever found out he would close us down!" the Mother Superior said. Once again 99 went "Oh no!" and 1 laughed. "It gets worse," the Mother Superior continued, "It was used!" Again, 99 went "Oh no!" and one laughed. "To top it all off," the Mother Superior finished, "It had a hole in it!" This time 99 laughed and one went "Oh no!!!"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his girlfriend are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy. As they walk through the ape and gorilla section, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the dress. The boyfriend, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his girl teases the poor ape some more. The man suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the man suggests that she let the straps fall to show a little more skin and cleavage. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars off his cage. "Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says, This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. The man then grabs his girl, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a f#cking headache!"

This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate. Where's your bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realizing the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin-man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?". "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man. "Mate" says the dustman... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?" "OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having w@nk"

Originally called And Finally, this is a section that actually takes it origins from The Weekend Has Landed, as I compared what my plans for the weekend were compared to those of the man in the story. Moved to being Crystal ball watch in The Score issue as part of the reorganisation.

Well? What else do you expect me to say? It's the Surerandomality first anniversary party tonight, so it is likely to get extremely messy. After that things will get extremely blurry to work out just what's going to happen for the rest of the weekend, though someone made the excellent suggestion of p155ed up trick or treating after the night out. You can picture the scene, It’s three in the morning, you open the door, and you’re faced by a p155head. Trick or treat they say, give me a beer else I’ll puke on your doorstep. The Chemist has the misfortune to be at a Tae Kwon Do seminar all day on Saturday, and Seeks is moving flats, so the chances of them performing at the highest level that day is minimal. I'm sure that a Saturday night XS trip might happen, and sports viewing on Sunday will happen, but apart from that, in the words of the Beasties, My crystal ball ain't so crystal clear. See y'all next week.

Fully updated table that includes the midweek games, which means I have been a busy little b'stard. Even with the transfers there doesn't seem to have been that much action in the places in the league, though I'm sure that now that injuries and suspensions are starting to take effect that those that have made good transfers will come through to shine. However it’s tighter than a duck’s butt from second place down to tenth, with only ten points separating them all. The major gaps don’t really start showing til you get into the lower reaches of the league, and unsurprisingly the whipping boys are cast adrift at the very bottom, and only a surprisingly high scoring midweek by Gudjohnsen stopped them being even further behind.

As an addition this week find below the table of the last year of Surerandomality, which shows those 14 people that have had a team in both competitions, and how many points they have scored in the calendar year of Surerandomality.

An eagerly awaited top versus bottom clash, saw Hit the Bar take on Banus FC. Soon a couple of goals down due to inept keeping, the team were struggling with the added zip on the surface and a greasy ball caused by a downpour just before kickoff. Then came the introduction of Boots, whose first three touches just bounced off him straight to opposing attackers and easy goals. Good work saw a goal from Owen, but a couple of late first half strikes saw Hit the Bar 7-1 down at half time. A better al round outfield display saw a more competitive second half, but they weren't helped by a negligent display of goalkeeping. Good goals from all around the team failed to make an impact and Hit the Bar finished up as 15-5 losers, which meant that four of the last five games have been lost by an exact ten goal margin.

Squirrel - F#cking atrocious. Failed to make a save unless by accident when the ball hit him. Responsible for at least ten of the goals. Normally good distribution was p155 poor and gave the ball to the opposition more than to his own team. Added the S to Hit the bar. - 0

The Chemist - Good awareness and passing but the trademark snapshot was somewhat lacking this week. Played with his head and tried to pick out the runners, unfortunately there weren't many of those. - 6

Owen - Made space for himself well but didn't always use the simple option when available. Couple of nice tricks, some good tackling, and a well-deserved goal capped a reasonable display. - 7

Hopalong - Useful when he came on in steadying the ship and was always on for the simple pass. Contributed to the scoring, played some good passes, but was lacking match fitness - 6

G-Man - typical busy performance, often nicking the ball off the opposition's toes. Scored a delightful solo-goal and created chances for others. Occasionally lost possession but always chased back to try and

regain it, just edges it as: SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Boots - The irony of his name was not lost as he struggled with inappropriate footwear. Had an absolute nightmare of a start to the game, conceding possession in front of goal 3 times, leading to 3 goals in as many minutes. Effort to the final whistle was not lacking though. - 4

Dancing - Accomplished yet patchy performance - neat passing and movement interspersed with some sloppy touches. Struggled with the stop-start team rotation but scored a well-placed goal from distance late on. - 7

Turkish - Back from a spell on loan in Spain, showed good determination early on in the torrid English weather. Scored a good goal but missed the odd sitter too. The amount of skin he left behind on the pitch showed his commitment. - 6

Scoring Chart. G-Man 12, Dancing 7, The Chemist 6, Ricky Organ 5, Nez 3, Hopalong 2, Owen 1, Turkish 1

Division 5

Below is the fixture list for the rest of the season

DATE OPPONENTS KO Time

05/11/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 7:00 PM

12/11/2003 Dehulberto LaCortina 10:00 PM

19/11/2003 Ashton Athletic 10:00 PM

26/11/2003 The Team with no name 8:00 PM

03/12/2003 Hilti FC 8:00 PM

07/12/2003 Banus FC 7:30 PM (NB changed to a Sunday)

10/12/2003 Edgeley Wreckheads 9:00 PM

14/12/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 6:30 PM (NB changed to a Sunday)

First appearing in The Tonne Maximum Load Issue, this section arrived as I dug out a load of the stuff I had written prior to me moving to Manchester in 2001. Having grew up in Leicester, I was always interested in the history and had written a load of stuff on it during the nineties, and in each edition there is a little part of what has been written included. People have suggested that this isn't read, but basically I don't care, it's a random addition, and after all, I edit this, so I put in just what ever I want to.

Founded in 1107 by Robert Prudhomme (de Beaumont) 1^st Earl of Leicester, as a collegiate church for a community of Canons (which are similar to monks, but don’t have such a strict regime). It was built within the Castle grounds, and originally had a nave and a chancel.

In 1143 it was ceded to Leicester Abbey, and in the 1180’s it was extended, with the chancel being lengthened with a Sedilla put in place to seat 3 priests, and the North Aisle was added.

In the 13^th century the tower was built, and the south (or trinity) aisle was added. The south aisle is unusual due to the fact that it is larger than the original nave and chancel. This is because it was built to be a separate church within the same building. The font that was built at this time survives to the present day.

It is said that Geoffrey Chaucer was married in the church in the 1360’s, and that John of Gaunt, 2^nd Duke of Lancaster was one of his patrons. In 1426 the future Henry VI was knighted in the church.

In the 15^th century the spectacular oak roof was fitted over the south aisle, and the spire was added to the tower. The spire however had to be replaced after the original was struck by lightning in 1753.

The college of Canons in the church was disbanded following the reformation in 1548.

The church was restored by Sir George Gilbert Scott in 1860, and from this most of the fittings in the church are Victorian. There and many plaques and monuments around the church that celebrate the lives of many Leicester citizens, who had connections with the church, and the graveyard has many fascinating tombstones.

The six main stained glass windows that stand at the far end of the chancel are by William Wailes and are said to be his best and most impressive work.

No random review this week. This was another of the sections that has been with us from the very first edition. Over the year there have been a number of reviews, mainly on films, but also covering music videos, albums, books, web sites, TV programmes, sporting events and other really random things. You can never tell from week to week what will appear as until I come to write it I don't know. It just comes down to whatever catches my fancy that week. It also has to be pointed out that the reviews may not always be factual, and there have been a number of Sarcastic \ Ironic reviews over the year as well. Despite many promises over the year, there is yet to be a guest review, as there are a lot of bone idle people out there.

Yet again a survivor from the very first issue. Every week there has been a competition, with a question that in some way relates to the issue title, or at least some major part in the issue. Three times over the year no one has managed to give a correct answer, which has saved a bit on prizes.

First the answer from last week. The correct answer is that there are three "one eyed" male cards. The winner was Liz Diamond from Chatham, Kent, who wins the snatch porno playing cards.

For this week’s competition, see the special anniversary quiz? Answers to the normal addresses through the normal channels, and the first correct answer drawn out of the Surerandomality hat a week on Wednesday afternoon (we're going to fortnightly now), wins the very real prize. No sh1t!

It has to be said that over the course of 52 issues there has been a number of contributors and inspirations, so it is only fair to mention as many as I can remember.

First up is all of those people that have sent me in jokes which have made it into various editions of Surerandomality.

Vic, Seeks, G Man, Ricky Organ, Hopalong, Me Laird, Wes, Becky, Kate, Tessa, Morning, Dancin, Little Mark, H, Malc, Gordon, Clumsy, and Nikki, and not forgetting Joke a day.

I would also like to thank both G Man and Me Laird for being bothered enough to do all user replies to various issues that have gone out.

I would like to thank Ricky Organ for his five a side match reports, and also Dancin for filling in when Ricky Organ is not available.

I can't go without thanking The Chemist and Morning for normally managing to come up with something dumb enough to make an entry for Quotes of the Week every week.

Obviously inspirations for what is written comes from all over the audio visual world. It would be amiss of me to let it go unmentioned just how many times I use Snatch quotes. I would also like to mention a few other films that seem to get quoted from time to time, they are Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Reservoir Dogs, Training Day, Major League, Happy Gilmore, Hard to Kill and Delirious. From audio, it would have to be said that's there's thousands of lines going through my mind, probably helped by the fact that I'm normally listening to music while writing this. There are probably hundreds of artists that should be mentioned but I'll keep it brief. Grandmaster Flash, Ice T, Paul Weller, NWA (and their descendants) and The Beastie boys go through more often than most.

And finally, I really cannot go without saying a massive thanks to the residents of Chez Didsbury, both permanent and temporary and visitors, plus everyone at work and those that we cross paths with whilst out and about, for doing so much partying and stupid stuff during the year, enabling many column inches to be written. Also thanks to everyone who reads Surerandomality every week, and for all the positive feedback I've received this year.

Thanks to each and everyone of you.

Here are a list of surprising and not so surprising statistics from the publication of Surerandomality over the first year. This is from issue 1 to The Deck of Cards issue inclusive. It does not include this issue or The Weekend has Landed.

The first year has seen 52 issues published (not including this one). In addition there has been an application form and a map attached. Not only that but there have been a total of 5 all user replies sent out by two different people. Issues have varied in length from just under 2000 words to just over 7000 words.

There have been a total of 19,406 lines of print, containing 263,462 words, containing 1,454,341 characters of which 259,330 have been spaces.

There have been 830 Snatch quotes used.

604 Jokes have been published.

259 Letters have made it into print.

Over 250 web pages have been created.

There have been 161 announcements.

160 Random Facts have hit these pages.

147 Random Thoughts have come out of this head.

103 News Stories have been hot off the press.

The critics have been busy with 74 reviews, which have been made up of 41 Film Reviews, 8 Music Videos, 7 sporting events, 3 Books, 3 TV programmes, 3 Albums, 2 Web sites, and 7 other random reviews.

A competition each week has added up to 52

50 times the profanisaurus has been robbed.

46 league tables have been updated.

36 quotes have left the mouths of fools.

28 different sections have been spawned, and some of them have died again.

22 awards were given for the calendar year of 2002.

19 different stories have made it into story time, and there have been 23 parts to the main story.

16 random lists have been collated.

And 15 pieces of Leicester's History has been passed on.

A year of Surerandomality has come and gone, and along with life in Chez Didsbury it has been accompanied by it's own soundtrack. This has been influence by things we have sang, danced to, listened to, and been unable to turn over when the video's been on MTV, and in memorial to this, we are creating Surerandomality - The Album. Soon to be available as a 21 track CD to those of you who know you have to purchase it, find below the track listing.

1. Spandau Ballet - Gold
2. Sabrina - Boys
3. Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!
4. Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows
5. Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
6. Tenacious D - Tribute
7. The Breeders - Cannonball
8. The Coral - Dreaming of You
9. Electric Six - Gay Bar
10. Elton John - Are you Ready for Love
11. TATU - All the Things She Said
12. Junior Senior - Move Your Feet
13. Skee Lo - I Wish
14. Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back
15. Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That
16. NWA - Express Yourself
17. 50 Cent - In Da Club
18. NERD - Lapdance
19. Prodigy - Out of Space
20. Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec
21. X-Press 2 Feat. David Byrne - Lazy

Originally a few lines in the first edition, this section contains all the details needed if anyone needs or wants to send anything to Surerandomality. Picked up the title in the reorganisation in The Score Issue. The information included has changed little by little every issue.

TOTAL = 16

CUMULATIVE TOTAL = 846