Covering the period Friday 31^st October to Thursday 13^th November

A lawyer representing a man jailed for 25 years for killing a policeman has apologised for singing the Bob Marley hit I shot the Sheriff as he left the courtroom. Christian Gauthier was overheard as he went on to sing the second line: 'But I swear it was in self defence'. 'It's the story of my client,' he told a journalist who warned him his performance was recorded. Convict Stephane Boucher claimed he killed the officer in Montreal after being shot at while trying to escape. - At least he didn’t shoot the deputy.

A lost hiker who survived five days by eating snow has been sacked for missing work. Thomas Milnik was laid off as doctors were deciding whether to amputate his frost bitten toes. The 41 year old engineer got stuck on Germany’s highest peak - the 9731ft Zugspitze - when a storm blew in and he hid in a crevice to await rescue. Boss Florian Schroeder said: 'It is the second time this has happened. On his second day here, he went hiking, cracked two ribs and had to take a week off to recover - and now this.' - Puts a cricked neck in perspective.

Officials out to ban dancers from stripping within 6ft of punters, need to hold a referendum after protesters got 100,000 signatures in Los Angeles. - I’m surprised that that many of the strippers could write.

Guy Fawkes would have wrecked central London if the Gunpowder plot had succeeded, research revealed yesterday. Westminster Abbey and Westminster Hall would have been flattened - and streets a third of a mile away badly damaged. Experts say the 5,500 lbs of gunpowder in Parliament's cellar would have had a similar effect to the same amount of TNT. The University of Wales scientists add, that it is because the explosives were tightly packed. Fawkes was caught before the devastation could take place on November 5^th 2003. - Of course, of course he was trying to cause damage, I mean, it wasn’t exactly a tickling competition was it?

A motorist stopped for drink driving grabbed a cop's gun and blew his own brains out. Two officers had pulled over the German man, in his thirties, after his car veered off the road near Hossegor, France. He tried to flee after failing a breathalyzer test. Then the man, who was travelling with a woman, snatched the gun, threatened the cops before turning the weapon on himself. - Eat your heart out Derren Brown

Four men were arrested yesterday on suspicion of inciting racial hatred after a model caravan with a gipsy family painted on the side was burned at a bonfire party. Onlookers at the Firle bonfire in East Sussex, were shocked to see the effigy, with a fake number plate reading P1KEY, go up in flames. Last week, bonfire society chairman Richard Gravett met police for an ‘informal discussion’. The society then apologized but insisted its motivation was not racist. It was claimed it was traditional to burn an effigy of things which trouble the community. Last summer the village had a dispute with travelers. The men were released on bail. More arrests are likely to follow. - Can you believe it, I couldn’t make this shit up. I fucking hate pikeys. What wrong with this caravan? Oh, nothing, I’m just not sure about the charcoal effect.

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Morning.

Congratulations to G Man who hits 25 at the weekend. Check out the social calendar for details of the events for the weekend.

A minute's silence for the passing of Hooch. The original alcopop has been phased out after 9 years service.

Welcome to Surerandomality Gotta have Teeth.

Well the more eagle eyed amongst you may way have noticed that there has been a little bit of an overhaul since the last edition went out to weeks ago. Well you’ll find that most things have been shifted around at least a little, but don’t fear, all the old favourites are here. Granted, some of those old favourites have got a bit of a revamp, and are now masquerading under new names, but the basis is the same. In brief what has happened is that each edition is now split into 8 sections, each with 3 parts to. Trust me, once you get used to it, it will be a lot easier to navigate around. In addition to all this there are a number of new sections, that have been added to upgrade the whole publication. You can find the "On this day" item in "The Learning Zone", where each edition has two in spotlight dates. Then in "Break Time" you’ll find the new "Crossword" feature. Later on in "This Sporting Life", you’ll be able to find the brand spanking new "Club Fact file" which will feature (In time) all those clubs supported by you the readers. Then at the end of each issue is the new "Surerandomality Stuff" section, in it you will find all the links to the various web pages that had been previously scattered around willy nilly over the length of Surerandomality. In addition the Contact details have been cleaned up and modified. Then there is the new Merchandising section, in which you can find all your favourite Surerandomality goodies at rock bottom prices every fortnight.

Not only has the whole layout of Surerandomality been updated, but, I've used the opportunity that two weeks gives me to actually get the web site fully up to date, so that the links actually take you to new and current information.

Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

Saturday 1^st November – Saturday saw the somewhat worse for wear Ricky Organ up and out early to meet Jayne. G Man, Hopalong, The Chemist (who somewhat unsurprisingly not made it to the Tae Kwon Do seminar) and Zac headed to burger king, with Zac holding his head out of the window all the way as a dog would. Me Laird left after suitable recovery time, and left Squirrel at Chez Didsbury, to await the return of the rest from Burger King. Hopalong went and met Gemma in the pub, as the other three came back to suffer for most of the afternoon. When Zac got up to go back to Leeds mid afternoon, he still didn’t look in tip top form. Hopalong returned about sixish, while G Man and Squirrel started on the baby before going out to meet Amanda, Jen and her sister for a curry. But, typical of women, they managed to pick the only curry house in Rusholme not to serve alcohol. After a speedily eaten curry, Jen and her sister headed off to a party, and Squirrel, G Man and Amanda went for a couple in The Whitworth, before bringing carry outs back to the dead zone of Chez Didsbury.

Sunday 2^nd November – Well, the pace certainly hadn’t been picked up, and a bit of golf was the only non TV related activity.

Monday 3^rd November – G Man went round to Amanda’s, but from the rest of the inhabitants it was a textbook evening of doing absolutely fuck all.

Tuesday 4^th November – Motion everywhere. Rab was visiting to cheer on his beloved Rangers, and fairly early, G Man, Hopalong and Rab, were in the Parrswood, Despite a late panicked call to The Chemist, they managed to get to Old Trafford before kick off. Ricky Organ had Jayne round, and The Chemist headed for the normal Tuesday of Tae Kwon Do and Squirrels. After the match the trio searched somewhat in vain for a drinking establishment that was open in Manchester and ended up having to go to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas) to get a drink. After about four hours they wandered out, with the virtually unknown state of affairs of Hopalong been up £200.

Wednesday 5^th November – Wednesday saw a very early five a side kick off, and with so much of the evening left, Hopalong went round to Gemma’s and the other talked absolute shit while watching late night poker.

Thursday 6^th November – The Chemist headed for the normal Thursday of Tae Kwon Do and Squirrels, but wasn’t the last to arrive home. G Man had gone straight to the Olde Cock with Chris from work, and after about seven pints, met Amanda and her mate for a meal in the Didsbury. After going back to The Olde Cock, Amanda and her totally non speaking mate went home, and G Man and Chris arrived back at Chez Didsbury. Halfway through his second bottle Chris started falling asleep and within a few minutes had slumped all the way over so that he was asleep on G Man’s lap. Something which was last seen when the Blonde Bombsite did the same in the days of Chez Rusholme.

Friday 7^th November – Chris the sneaky fucking bastard had failed to mention that he didn’t have to go to work, which left G Man feeling a bit ropey at work all day, and with Amanda back home in Essex for the weekend, decided the best way to deal with this was to meet Squirrel straight from work and sample a few pubs. First up was the Slug and Lettuce, followed by the Ape and Apple, and then onto the Giraffe and Grapefruit. (Whoops, sorry that last one isn’t really a pub name, I just got carried away there.) Next up was Mr Thomas’ Chop House, and then to Sinclair’s Oyster Bar. Food followed on the way back to Chez Didsbury, and the total lack of willing volunteers to carry on drinking. Undeterred Squirrel, headed to XS to meet up with Wes and his housemate Fiona. After the usual Stellas, Reefs and Tequilas they headed out at closing time. While stood outside waiting for Fiona to come out a bitch fight kicked off, and as Wes tried to stop it, he got a slap for his troubles. Things kicked off big style and Squirrel managed to get Wes out unscathed, and everyone wandered home when the police turned up.

Saturday 8^th November – Another Saturday morning and another daylight waking for Squirrel while sat in the Chez Didsbury lounge. Football watching was the order of the day, then when Ricky Organ returned from town with Tiger Woods golf for the play station, the inevitable happened, 5 in the morning came before playing finished.

Sunday 9^th November – Little motion again, with a rip roaring football double on, but Hopalong who had been at a revision lecture, went straight to Yates for a few afternoon drinks, argued with some Aussies, before heading to Gemma’s for the evening. Meanwhile a DVD viewing was followed by the residents of Chez Didsbury getting sucked into watching the 100 greatest number ones.

Monday 10^th November – G Man was straight round to Amanda’s but managed to make it home just before Hopalong, who after a day’s hard revising had gone to meet Gemma in Didsbury, before coming back home and continuing drinking, meanwhile Tiger Woods was back.

Tuesday 11^th November – The Chemist headed for the normal Tuesday of Tae Kwon Do and Squirrels. Hopalong was at Gemma’s, Ricky Organ was on another lifestyles of the rich and famous trip, this time to Bonn, but only for a day. G Man had Amanda round, and for the second night on the trot when Squirrel arrived home, it was like walking onto the Marie Celeste again.

Wednesday 12^th November – The tedious latest possible kick off meant a late night for all, but didn’t stop the late night poker again.

Thursday 13^th November – The Chemist headed for the normal Thursday of Tae Kwon Do and Squirrels. Everyone else just chilled, in preparation for the weekend. Hopalong at Gemma's, G Man with Amanda, and Ricky Organ with Tiger Woods.

The Chemist (watching the credits to Get Carter) – Britt Eckland? Is that the same one?

Squirrel (discussing the effects of Stella) – Well, it’s not really a case of wife beater, it’s more a case of egg beater.

The Chemist (as Homer Simpson) – Mmmm Eggs.

Squirrel – You growing your hair then?

Jackie (the blonde bombsite) – Yeah!

Squirrel – Is that so you can sweep it over your face then?

The Chemist (during a conversation about the royal family) – So does anyone know what the story is about Prince Charles?

Ricky Organ, Squirrel, & G Man (pointing out the front page headline in the news of the world right in front of The Chemists face) – What? That one?

Chelsea Fans, during the Chelsea 5 Newcastle 0 game on Sunday – You only score in a hotel! Score in a hotel!

Hopalong & Gemma (Looking at Prince – Hits 1) – What’s the name of the track that has the line about When Doves Cry.

Ricky Organ & The Chemist – Don’t know.

Hopalong & Gemma (Eventually) – Would it be "When Doves Cry"?

Friday 14^th November – Yes people, I know you may have heard this one before, but there is a plan to take it easy, so that the Saturday can be attacked properly. And this time I do mean it.

Saturday 15^th November – Dags? Oh Dogs, yeah I like dags. Belle Vue Dog track is the venue for the start of what could get very messy, G Man birthday shenanigans. Doors open at 6pm, and the "restaurant" opens at 6.30. First race is at 7.18pm (honestly, they are that exact.) so get there early, as it tends to fill up quite rapidly. Drinking and betting, and it’s not even the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), but don’t rule that out for later. The Last race is at 10.33, and then it would seem the plan would be to head to Lucid in the Print works, so come smart enough to get in, and if you look kind of young, bring ID, as it’s over 21’s only. All the usual suspects are invited. Not only that but with the jocks playing the Dutch in the afternoon, things may start early.

Sunday 16^th November – G Man’s birthday, more drinking and an England match, what can I say except book Monday off.

Monday 17^th – Tuesday 18^th November – Your guess is as good as mine, and in fact probably better.

Wednesday 19^th November – Hit the Bar Vs Ashton Athletic, which due to the absence of Turkish is likely to be less violent than first feared.

Thursday 20^th – Tuesday 25^th November – Nothing major in the offing, but with holidays, the end of exams, and general stir craziness, things definitely have the potential to get very messy. The usual suspects may apply (XS and 5^th Ave).

Wednesday 26^th November – Hit the Bar Vs The team with no name.

How else to start, but with the moans and niggles about changes and the first year. First up is Kol Nolting, from Manchester, who complains, "I’m writing to complain, that in your review of the year, you failed to mention my series of complaint letters." Yeah, whatever.

Some of you on the mailing list are again wondering how people have access to everyone on the list. Miss Davina Ward, from York, writes "I signed up to get Surerandomality, not to get random rubbish from anyone else who can access your mailing list, how do they manage it?" Well, have you ever heard of the Reply to all button? All I can say is that I have no responsibility over the actions of others, and if they feel inspired to respond or write items themselves, then that can only be a good thing.

Then I have a fairly serious letter of complaint regarding the Surerandomality night out, from Alan Rogers, from Worksop, in Nottinghamshire, "I e-mailed you two weeks before the night out, asking for help in finding somewhere to stay in Manchester, and despite a reminder, I had no response. By the time I realised that I wasn’t going to receive a response it was too late to get things sorted for the night, and therefore missed out on the event. I am not happy that you have failed to respond to my e-mail, and therefore cost me the chance to meet up with the people that I read so much about." All I can do is apologise. I can offer little excuse, despite the fact that it was a very hectic time for me. I’m sorry that you were unable to make it, as it is always good to meet the readers.

Leslie Spedding, from Chopwell, Durham, asks, "Why are novelty socks always so thin that you have to wear two pairs?" Novelty socks, that’s a great idea for the next line of Surerandomality merchandise.

Yes it’s foreign correspondence time, and a Gretzen Schlessenger, from Kiel, in Germany writes, "Setzen Sie sich hin und schließen Sie auf, Sie groß, kahl fickt. Ich mag mein Land Doug nicht verlassend, und ich mag besonders nicht es für irgendetwas weniger sandige Strände, und Cocktails mit kleinem Stroh Hüten dann verlassend! Diese sind Ihre letzten Wörter, damit sie ein Gebet macht. Jemand würde Erzählen mich, wer Sie bedenken sind? dies ist Tommy. Er erzählt Leuten er genannt für ein Gewehr, aber ich weiß er genannt für ein berühmtes 19 Jahrhundert Bauch Tänzer. Sie sind gonna Probleme immer hat, die einen Körper in einem Stück aufheben. Offensichtlich ist das beste Ding, zu machen, auf eine Leiche in sechs Stücke geschnitten und ist es alle zusammen angehäuft." No I didn’t understand a single word of that (apart from cocktails – alcohol is good).

Sears Appalsamy, from Fulham, London, writes, "Why is it traditional to eat popcorn at the cinema?" I don’t know, what do you think this is? Traditionalist’s corner.

Steve Green, from Solihull in the west Midlands, writes the following solution to recent post problems, "Royal Mail - avoid future strikes by paying staff weekly, with a cheque in the post." OK, very funny, we already have one item each week, in the profanisaurus, that is straight from the pages of Viz, I have no intention of getting a second one in top tips. (Yes people, those two words are the correct way round.)

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

Well, he tried to get to a seat, as did most people, but he had a numb sensation the moment he turned to walk up the cargo ramp into the plane. Everything was pure brilliant white. The only items that took away from the pure white vision on front of him were the other people already on the plane.

With each leaden step into the bowels of the plane, his sense of dread increased, until in a space of time that seemed like minutes, but was probably in reality little more than a couple of seconds, he came to a complete halt.

His mind was cast back to that room he had spent so much time in over five years ago, and that until moments ago, seemed like another lifetime. Now, as then, there was no perception of size or depth amongst the whiteness. Although it was almost blindingly bright, there were no obvious light sources, and no shadows of any sort to give a depth to the space he was in. Whatever had happened then was starting again and as he remembered back, he felt the world around him start to disappear.

He was however, jolted from this with a shove from one of his "controllers" as he suddenly thought of them.

"Keep Moving, Over to that seat there." The controller said, pointing to what at first look appeared to be nothing, but some more whiteness, but he felt sure he could vaguely make out the rough shape of a seat..

He looked around and the looks of distress, fear and panic on the other passenger’s faces, and in their eyes, told him that most of them, if not all of them had been in a place like this before. In a place like he’d been before.

He found his seat, and felt his way into it. Even close up it was difficult to get a reasonable view of the seat below him, without it blurring into the general whiteness. From his seat he looked around, and found that from where he sat he could see other people, but it appeared that the seats weren’t arranged in a regular pattern, as would normally be the case, but if they were arranged at all, they were arranged so that no one was really sat near to anyone else, or sat in a way that they were not facing anyone else.

He could see other passengers looking around too, but they all seemed unwilling to make eye contact with him, and after a brief period, they stopped looking around, and just stared into the whiteness, alone with their thoughts. He thought to himself, that perhaps the seats had been set up in such a way as to discourage eye contact and interaction, and therefore to leave everyone with their own thoughts, alone in the whiteness.

Ah, shit, PANIC, here I am, late on a Thursday night, just hours before publish time, and there is no review. Therefore a number of short ones will have to make up for the fact that I’ve been a bit of a lazy little bastard on this section. A bit of a bad show considering I’ve had three weeks to do one.

Blade II – Still sharp

Colors – Not everything is black and white

The Croupier – Bet on it.

1. Vatican City 5,740.0
2. USA 734.4
3. Sweden 502.8
4. France 442.8
5. Finland 396.5
6. Austria 371.6
7. Belgium 344.1
8. Norway 338.0
9. Luxembourg 336.1
10. Denmark 334.7

Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.

Only the doctor can suffer from good health

Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s called Sexual Harassment, yet, when a woman talks dirty to a man it’s £3.99 a minute.

Five-to-two-er (n).

Five minutes uglier than a ten to twoer.

A slug has a maximum speed of 0.0007 miles per hour.

A slug can stretch itself to eleven times its body length.

This 70ft high monument stands at what is considered now to be the ‘centre’ of Leicester, but what in medieval times would have stood at the East Gate just outside the town walls. It stands on what was known alternatively as the ‘east gates block’ or ‘the Haymarket obstruction’ which was an eyesore that the public wanted removing. As the site was considered central, it was suggested that this was changed in to a piece of land that would house a monument and be a ‘traffic island’.

A petition was started to get this, and met with a limited response, however by the council meeting on 1^st October 1867, 195 signatures had been collected. On the 25^th of the same month an initial meeting was held to get people to subscribe to getting something built, and after the meeting it was said that ‘It is proposed to erect an ornamental structure on the old Haymarket site, in height of 35 to 40 feet to contain four illuminated dials, four statues or medallion busts of ancient benefactors to the town, with a platform surround.’

From a long list of designs, and after a certain amount of controversy the contract was awarded to the architects Henry Goddard & Sons. Henry Goddard died in July 1868, and the tower is considered to be the work of his son Joseph Goddard. The statues and ornamental stonework was to be commissioned by Samuel Barfield, and the clock was to be supplied by Gillett and Bland of Croydon. The clock lasted nearly 100 years until in the late 1960’s it was replaced by a new electrically operated mechanism. The old movement was taken out, and is displayed in the Newarke Houses Museum. It was eventually completed in 1869, although it had been officially unveiled at the end of 1868 in line with the promise of the council at the time.

It stands 70 feet high, with an 11 feet base width, and the four statues stand at a height of 10 feet 8 Inches from the base of the platform. It was built on a platform (island) that was 18 feet in diameter from the tower. The four statues on the tower are of four people who are said to have been benefactors to the town, and the date of the gift is on their plinths, however in all cases the date is inaccurate. They are Simon de Montfort (1208-1265), William of Wygston (1467-1536), Sir Thomas White (1492-1567) and Alderman Gabriel Newton (1683-1762).

November 7^th.

Born - Leon Trotsky - 1879

Died - Steve McQueen - 1980

Event - London Gazette, the oldest surviving journal, is founded - 1865

Event - Constitution of Jordan passed - 1951

Holiday - In Mexico it is National Railway Memorial Day.

Saint's Day - St. Willibrord, archbishop of Utrecht, and Missionary to Frisia.

November 12^th.

Born - Neil Young - 1945

Died - Canute (King) - 1035

Event - This is the date in 1955 that is returned to in Back to the Future and Back to the Future II

Event - Yuri V Andropov succeeds Leonid Brezhnev as Soviet Leader

Holiday - In Saudi Arabia it is Coronation Day.

Saint's Day - St. Josaphat Kuncevyc, bishop/martyr.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering have you ever cheated on me " "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three. When were they " "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked " "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2 " "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again " "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3 " "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short "

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a new scooter. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going " Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking scooter!"

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

The FBI have just raided Michael Jackson's ranch, they found class A drugs in the kitchen, class B drugs in the bathroom and class 4c in the bedroom

2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking..... ....one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'

Similarity between a three pin plug and Arsenal? Both are no use at all in Europe

An assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska - Missouri game. When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for a while " "Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon." "Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now

and then and keeping me posted on the game " "Sure thing." Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Nebraska."

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born " "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born " he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born " he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to

stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can be different depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse. Further studies are expected

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick " "My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny. "Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting " the old lady retorted. "No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, 'Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc '' The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbours' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, I need a good guard dog. And the clerk replied, Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate. The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair. The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said Karate my ass!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs, sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean " asked his wife "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Why did the squirrel lay on its stomach? A: To keep it’s nuts warm.

Angry

Ricky Organ - Solid performance between the sticks early doors and did a job on the pitch as well. 7

Hopalong - What I would call an Insurance Man, looked assured at the back and made some rampaging runs forward towards the end. 7

The Chemist - Always does the simple things well. Full gun finish capped a great move in the first half. 8 SURERANDOMALITY STAR MAN

Nez - I'll tell you what, he's full of lollipops, but too frequently caught in possession. 8

Dancing - Found space with some of the most incisive runs in captivity. Held the ball up well. 8

G Man - Another display full of energy. Best of his four goals was running onto an Organ ball at the second post. 8

Wednesday (12/11) Upbeat after their previous weeks performance, Hit The Bar headed down to Stockport Powerleague with a definite spring in their step. A squad of six had been assembled, with Owen (laying down some tracks) and Nez ("watching cartoons") notable absentees. The opposition was Dehulberto LaCortina, a team well-known for the defensive approach, and limited attacking ideas. As is so often the case, Hit The Bar were ahead early-on after some great moves involving G-man, The Chemist, and Turkish, going into the break on level terms. The second half saw sloppy passing, wasted opportunities and a failure to effectively shackle Dehulberto's star forward - finally culminating in a 10-7 defeat. The result was disappointing after the promise shown seven days prior, but positive signs in terms of team fitness and spirit were in evidence, suggesting that victory against Ashton next week is well within their grasp.

Squirrel - A typical mix of inspired shot-stopping and characteristic howlers; we really saw the best and the worst of the big man. 7

The Chemist - Solid enough in the middle, but a somewhat muted performance. 7

Turkish - Always looking for goal, but lacked support in the final third. 6

Dancing - Struggled against the well marshalled Dehulberto defence, but kept on running. 6

Ricky Organ - Never looked threatening going forward, but chipped some important interceptions at the back. 6

G Man - Another gutsy display from the pint-sized marvel, and almost picked up the teams first booking to boot. 8 - SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN

Scoring Chart. G-Man 20, Dancing 9, The Chemist 8, Ricky Organ 7, Nez 4, Hopalong 2, Turkish 2, Owen 1

Below is the fixture list for the rest of the season

DATE OPPONENTS KO Time

19/11/2003 Ashton Athletic 10:00 PM

26/11/2003 The Team with no name 8:00 PM

03/12/2003 Hilti FC 8:00 PM

07/12/2003 Banus FC 7:30 PM (NB changed to a Sunday)

10/12/2003 Edgeley Wreckheads 9:00 PM

14/12/2003 Inter Pie & Chips 6:30 PM (NB changed to a Sunday)

The Surerandomality album should be available within the next fortnight after a hold up at the pressing plant. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec, X-Press 2 Feat. David Byrne – Lazy. The cost is a measly £5.

Back Issues available at the very reasonable price of £1 per issue.

A bumper edition of the First year’s editions is also available at £30.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as "Editor – Private and Confidential" as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

Squirrel hot line 0781 645 8542.

TOTAL = 24

THIS YEAR’S TOTAL = 40

CUMULATIVE TOTAL = 870