Surerandomality

A woman with a camera phone who took candid snaps in a female sauna and sold them to a website has prompted a clampdown. New laws say the phones must make an audible beep if a picture is taken. "Phones must beep at 65 decibels or more, even in silent mode", the government said. South Koreans own about 4 million camera phones. - No people, I haven't got the web site address

A writer who spent almost 40 years trying to get his book published has finally succeeded - at the age of 79. Back in 1965, Denys Sissons quit his job as a sales manager to follow his dream of penning a bestseller. But he had no luck in getting a publisher and over the years, rejection letters piled up. Now, Murder is no accident is hitting the bookshelves after he chipped in to pay part of the printing costs. The pensioner from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, said: "This business is difficult to break into unless you are a pop star, nude model, or footballer." - Had he never heard of the saying don't give up your day job?

Mourners paying their respects to a dead relative were horrified when a mobile phone started ringing inside the coffin. The family of Marc Marchal were so startled that some members ran out of the chapel of rest while the undertaker opened the coffin to empty the dead man's pockets. Mr. Marchal died when his motorbike hit a tractor. His family want the undertaker arrested, saying he did not prepare the body correctly. - Come on, own up, who thought it would be funny to ring the dead guy?

Stressed turkeys will be calmed down this Christmas - by listening to a relaxation CD. The national farmers union has created the disc to play to flocks awaiting the chop. It features soothing sounds like wind on the moors, whale song, dawn chorus and wind chimes. There is even one track called Happy Turkeys - the sound of contented birds after feeding. NFU poultry specialist Paul Cooper said: "Turkeys are quite panicky, so anything to calm them will help. Calmer turkeys grow fatter and their meat is more tender." - Could it be they're panicky cos it's coming up to Christmas and they're for the chop, and I'm not talking about their foreskin.

A husband who had a row with his wife jumped on his bicycle and pedaled furiously for 20 miles to "put at least one border between them". But the 46 year old, from the Serbian town of Kanjia, was arrested by border guards shortly after he illegally crossed into Romania. He faces up to three years in jail. The man, named only as Rudolf M, told police: "All I wanted to do was get as far away from my wife as possible - and that meant putting at least one border between me and her". - Fuck it, I've had a row, let's emigrate, tip top idea.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Happy Birthday to Wes and Claire who both get a year older in the next fortnight.

We note the sad passing of Snowflake, the Albino Gorilla, who died of skin cancer in the last week.

Squirrel would like to make the following statement "I'd just like to point out that "I'm Tiger Woods!""

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality The Speed Limit. Yes people, another fortnight (well just under this time, due to another day of leisure), another issue. The added time between issues has done wonders for my mental state, and I'm not seen walking round in a fugue state every Thursday. Yep, it's only every other Thursday now. I've had a lot of time off recently, and normally it would have been put to use to make this bigger and better each fortnight, but I have succumbed to the dark side, and have very rarely been very far from the PS2. Therefore, despite all the additional time available to me you'll find that this is still the same old pile of slapdash shit it's always been. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 14^th November – In a remarkably quiet evening for a Chez Didsbury Friday, the only absentee from the house was G Man who was out for a quiet meal with Amanda. Meanwhile Hopalong was actually working at doing some revision. After much cajoling Ricky Organ managed to persuade Squirrel to break with tradition and play a PS2 game, in the shape of Tiger Woods. Little did he know what he was starting. Four in the morning and still playing is a rough indication.

Saturday 15th November – The day started off from where the night before left off with Tiger Woods playing. Meanwhile all the residents of Chez Didsbury assembled and smartened themselves up, and were joined by Dancing, and it really was a case of everything going to the dags. Two taxis to Belle Vue followed and after going for the tokens off the local scallies it was off and betting. Squirrel and The Chemist won on the first race, but generally things went downhill from there. Hopalong did win a tricast, but it only returned £14 the lowest of the night, to rub things in the next race's tricast would have brought in £187. Leaving before the end of proceedings, there were two taxis to the printworks, and the "pre" queue for Lucid. However this brought about the zone of narrow minded dumb sexist muthafuckers that were masquerading as bouncers. The six usual suspects were told there were too many lads. They headed to Tiger Tiger and split up, but were turned back cos it was couples only, despite letting a group of 8 girls in just in front of the lead two. Somewhat disgruntled they headed for a quick pint in Sinclair's Oyster Bar, and the decision was then made to head to the casino (Viva Las Vegas), and after a fairly calm start the wheels fell off after the free buffet, and everyone headed home reasonably sober and with Hopalong bringing his gambling losses for the evening to a round £400.

Sunday 16th November – Sport watching in all forms. The England game was the main thing, with Amanda taking G Man to Old Trafford to watch the England game, while everyone else watched it at home. Squirrel managed to put in another 6 hours of Tiger Woods.

Monday 17th November – Squirrel had the day off, with only one possible outcome. The house was fairly quite, but meanwhile, in Cambridge Seeks was causing chaos, after nicking the hotel bar / restaurant sign and running round the hotel being chased by the night porter with it, before finding his room. The only problem being that he forgot to remove the evidence in the morning and got rumbled.

Tuesday 18^th November – Another day off for Squirrel, and Hopalong was on more Study leave. The evening saw little motion except for the Chemist going to Tae Kwon Do.

Wednesday 19^th November – Hopalong had a day filled with exams, The usual suspects had another 10pm football kick-off, which meant watching late night poker on their return. Meanwhile continuing the great week of work trips Maggie managed to fall and scrape her nose while completely bladdered.

Thursday 20^th November – The following morning saw Maggie wake with no memory of the cause, but with a bright red swollen nose, but did mange to pull two decent excuses to tell people. Slipped while on the Treadmill - yeah right, that's even less likely than Squirrel on a treadmill. The second was the kind of genius that even G Man would be hard pushed to beat. Excess fumes from hairspray caught alight when she lit a fag and burnt her nose. Hopalong finished his exams, which led to drinking and going to the dags with Gemma. G Man was out in Didsbury with his cousins, and it was generally late nights all round.

Friday 21st November – More Squirrel days off, joined by The Chemist, Ricky Organ, and Hopalong, leaving the somewhat unlikely position of G Man being the only worker, something that not even the casino(Viva Las Vegas) would have given you odds on. Hopalong and Gemma headed off to Edinburgh for the weekend mid afternoon, and Ricky Organ and The Chemist went to the driving range. Meanwhile the stress of being the only worker led to G Man going straight out from work, though the drinking came to an abrupt halt, when Amanda turned up unannounced and dragged him out for a curry. Ricky had Jayne round, and Tiger Woods figured along side some rather poor TV.

Saturday 22nd November – The Rugby World cup final saw The Chemist in agony as he had to go to Tae Kwon Do just as extra time started. G Man had to rush to Old Trafford after watching the end, and Squirrel got up mid afternoon oblivious to everything. Meanwhile after the match G Man headed to Bradford to pick up his car, and thinks that he got pictured speeding within the first 20 minutes. Severe lack of motion except for Ricky Organ who was with Jayne.

Sunday 23rd November – Well the day came and went, and nothing memorable happened.

Tuesday 25^th November – G Man went to get fed at Amanda's, Hopalong went to college then had Gemma round. The Chemist went to Tae Kwon Do, and the football was watched.

Wednesday 26^th November – Blondie managed to run out of petrol on the way to work. Hopalong absconded for the evening, as everyone else played footie, and then watched it, before progressing to the late night poker scene.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Scene - Morning and Blondie had been bitching about their other halves all afternoon, and had moved on to talking about the rampant rabbit.

G Man (at the dags.) - It tells you which number they are, but how do you know which trap they've been drawn in?

Hopalong - So, that big group of girls you've just let in are all lesbians then.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Thursday 27^th November – Squirrel's payday, and a day off after, it can only get messy, and 5^th Ave will be calling loud and clear.

Friday 28^th November - More alcohol fuelled antics. It's a leaving do for someone at G Man's work, which means mid afternoon drinking and a rumour of final house party destination. It's also a leaving do at Hopalong's place, but with a somewhat older crows. Meanwhile Ricky Organ is off to see Eddie Izzard, with The Chemist being his normal comatose self on a Friday night this leaves Squirrel to be up to no good all by himself, which will get very messy for someone.

Saturday 29^th November – G Man has escaped the drive up to Glasgow to see Groove Armada and a bit of a piss up, and has mooted Lap Dancing. It's Wes's houseparty, which is a bit of an early Birthday do, and a housewarming for new resident Fiona, the plan being to hit a few Chorlton bars, and then back to theirs for late night drinking.

Sunday 30^th November – If the last Wes party is anything to go by, Squirrel and Wes will be on the tinnies mid morning. Meanwhile G Man has to drive back from Scotland to attend the family Christmas meal. Lots of good football.

Monday 1^st & Tuesday 2^nd December - What better way to see in the new month than with some bone idle lazing around?

Thursday 4^th - Saturday 6^th December - Lots of opportunity for things to get very messy, especially as the festive season warms up. No solid plans yet. However Claire has booked a hostel on the Island of Aran in Scotland for her birthday. G Man is supposed to be going to a wedding in Essex with Amanda, and Ricky Organ is going to London.

Wednesday 10^th December - Hit the Bar Vs Edgeley Wreckheads, yep it's time to play the scallies

Thursday 11^th December - Taking it easy prior to Squirrel's (and a cast of many others) Christmas party.

READER’S LETTERS

Lots of letters, lots of e-mails, no fucking sense whatsoever. I've no idea why my readership is so far away from being Mr. or Mrs. Current affairs, but I'm quite sure you could land a jumbo jet in the space between their ears. Anyway let's start the show.

First up is a Graham Marsh, from Leeds, West Yorkshire, who moans, "The state of people's shoes is a disgrace these days. Nobody seems to use polish anymore. This is the thin end of the wedge." Shut up you tart.

Anyway speaking of moaning a Stephen Jamieson, from Glasgow, complains, "Why did you publish a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, it only makes it seem like a good thing to complain." Well it certainly didn't stop you did it. Cock!

A Chuck Keller, from Arkansas, USA, writes to confess the following, "I'm sleeping with my girlfriend's sister, without her knowing about it of course. The worst thing is that I wanted to end it long ago, but now she's threatening to tell my girlfriend if I don't well.. fuck her. So we're still at it, even though I'm not really into it." If you're not really into it, that would suggest you're doing something wrong.

Paddy Maxwell, from Southampton, Hampshire, writes, "Sir Alex Ferguson and John Magnier are both very wealthy men, so why do they need to fight over racehorses? It's like two bald men fighting over a comb" What? What have you been reading?

Meanwhile G Mansfield, from Sittingbourne, Kent, tries this, "I've got a bet with a mate at work that I can get a letter published while he's on holiday. How's my luck" Not bad for a beginner.

A Luis Goncavles from Oporto, Portugal, adds the following contribution, "Sente-se e feche para cima, você fuck calvo grande. Eu não gosto de partida meu Doug rural, e eu especialmente não gosto de partida ele para qualquer coisa praias menos então arenosas, e coqueteisél com chapéus pequenos de palha! Mostra-me como controlar um cigano selvagem de fucking e eu o mostrarei como controlar um criminoso desvairado de porco-alimentação! Pensei que você disse que ele era motorista de fuga. De o que o fuck pode escapar? Se jogo um cachorro um osso, eu não quero saber se prova bom nem não. E se você jamais me interromper enquanto ando, cortarei seu é jacobs de fucking fora. Era dois minutos há cinco minutos." Sounds tip top, whatever you said.

Finally, Sarah Durrow, from Banbury, Oxfordshire, replies to a question last week, "The reason it's traditional to have popcorn at the cinema is cos it's the right size for throwing at people, but it's not heavy enough to do any damage." I'm not convinced that's strictly true.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

The rear door of the plane slowly raised until it closed snugly into the gap that was there for it. Once shut he felt the loudest silence he had ever come across in his life. His initial though was that he’d gone deaf, and a brief panic took over him. He breathed out and thought he could vaguely here his own breathing, and he tilted his head to see if he could pick up any sounds from inside the plane. However there were no sounds coming from anywhere, so he clapped just to make sure he hadn’t gone deaf. The sound that he heard was reassuring, though his peripheral vision had picked up that a couple of fellow passengers flinched at the sound, and a couple of his controllers looked in his direction, though not with their normal air of composure.

He smiled to himself as he realised how much like a gunshot his clap might have sounded to those of nervous disposition, especially in sure a quiet environment, and with armed controllers walking around.

He felt the motion of the plane and took a couple of seconds to realise that they were actually moving. Whatever had been used to soundproof the interior of this plane was doing a sterling job. The motion had took him by surprise because there had been no indication that the engines had even started. He strained to see if he could hear the engines, but although he thought that he could, it could just be his sub-conscious knowledge of what he should be hearing playing tricks on him. He knew how loud these planes sounded from the outside, as he’d heard this one coming in from inside the terminal, and wondered how much it cost to get this quality of soundproofing.

It struck him just how much money must have been involved in this whole operation. He quickly scanned the cabin and from that and his recollection of the terminal there appeared to be between thirty and forty people that were, like himself, captives. The planning to get all these people, who didn’t obviously know each other on two flights on the same day at the same time was astronomically complex. He wondered how much his life may have been manipulated in recent months to get him here today. Then there was the hired help, of which in total there must have been at least double the amount of captives. With this plane, the satellite feed into the terminal at the airport, and what had happened those 5 years ago, this was an operation that wasn’t going to be cheap. In fact he didn’t think there could be that many individuals who could shell out for a project like this.

“Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Let me welcome you aboard this special charter flight. For the most part of this trip we shall be cruising at approximately 100 feet above sea level, and shall be travelling at approximately 450 knots. The expected flight time this afternoon is 10 hours. Your gracious hosts will be round later with meals and refreshments to help the journey go smoothly. If you have any special dietary requirements, please don’t worry, as your hosts are fully aware of these. Unfortunately there is no in flight movie, due to the refitting of the cabin area, but please feel free to sleep during the journey.”

Five thousand miles gave no real indication of where they were headed. With being so near to the north pole that put them within range of anywhere in the northern hemisphere. Eastern America and Western Europe were probably out of the equation, unless the captain was lying, apart from that the only certainty was that he wouldn’t be getting off this plane in Australia.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

Public Enemy - It takes a nation of millions to hold back. Definitely Public Enemy's best album, and one of the top three rap albums of all times. It was a catalyst for heavier and darker records to be made, and is the source of inspiration for a whole generation of rap artists that have followed, with most artists to come out in the 15 years since it's release sampling at least one track from it. Two artists started their chart careers with dance records based on samples from Bring the Noise. All the way through Chuck D shows why he is the best rapper ever, and this despite the constant distraction of having Flavor Flav next to him, shouting "Yeeeaaahhh Bwoooyy" and "What time is it?" at every opportunity. And this despite the fact that he permanently has a giant clock hanging round his neck. Twice on the album, Chuck D and Terminator X leave him going and fuck off taking the music with them, and how Chuck D managed to keep going on Bring the Noise without cracking up at what crap was coming from Flavor Flav's mouth is a modern miracle. Despite this, musically and lyrically, this is one of the best albums of all time. 5/5.

The Eurythmics only had 10 top 10 hits, but every one of them charted in a different position, meaning that they had hits that charted at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10!

Set on Regent Road, close to Leicester prison, stands the rather impressive 13^th century gothic looking church of Holy Trinity.

Looks however are deceiving, and the church was built originally in 1838, two years after the land on which it stands was purchased. Built by Sydney Smirke for a cost of £3,000, it started life as a Georgian church, it was enlarged by Flint & Wickes in 1853-54 for a further £2,300, but was turned into what we see today by a total remodelling undertaken by S.S. Teulon in 1871-72 at a cost of £5,700.

The roguish gothic 13^th century look created by Teulon is like nothing else in the country, and represents the art of high Victorian church building at it’s most flamboyant, and could be considered over the top. It had a wide interior, and lacked a separate chancel, it had a flat ceiling, and the reredos was added in 1901 by Purcell & sons.

Alterations continued throughout the twentieth century, and a reduction in the parish meant that a radical sub division of the church took place. The galleries were removed, and the nave was partitioned to make an upper and lower hall.

However come the 1980’s the parish was on the increase, and work had to be done to build a west gallery. This was done by buying the neighbouring building, and incorporating this into the structure of the church.

Event – 1928 Mickey Mouse makes his first appearance in New York premier of Steamboat Willie

COMPETITION TIME

Below you'll find all the answers to the quiz of the year, which nobody won, as you were all too lazy to be bothered. Therefore the Album, gift voucher, and special memorabilia will be left to be used as a prize at a later date. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows. Which product's advert features a fifty five year old mum in it? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 10^th December wins a Model Mercedes SL 55.

THE QUIZ OF THE YEAR

1. In what month was the Manchester meeting of www.fatminger.com held in XS? (Every week is not an acceptable answer no matter how true.) December

2. How many people were out in Scubar on the first Surerandomality night out? 18

5. What excuse did G Man ring in sick with to go snowboarding at Aviemore? Cricked Neck

7. Which issue was all jumbled up due to a "fault by the printers"? Issue E (5)

9. What issue saw everybody's name changed after a particularly manic Friday night out? The Tropics (23)

10. Which issue saw a major change in form and layout of Surerandomality? The Score (20)

12. Which two pubs were visited on Squirrel's birthday? Dog & Partridge, and The Hogshead

13. How many different countries has Ricky Organ visited in the course of his work? 7

14. Which two bars did G Man go to on the night he got sacked by Chubb? Baa Bar (Deansgate Locks) & 5^th Ave

15. In which club did the residents of Chez Didsbury end up on the Chez Didsbury Christmas party? Jumping Jaks

16. What occasion led to the first ever visit to the casino? G Man's Birthday

19. Where did Squirrel, G Man, Ricky Organ and The Chemist end up on New Year's Eve? Jabez Clegg

21. Which month saw Squirrel puke for the only time in living memory after an extremely messy session at 5th Ave? May

22. The aftermath of which sporting event saw Ricky Organ remove the fuses in Chez Didsbury? FA Cup final

23. Who did Squirrel throw a drink all over for no apparent reason in 5th Ave in September? Jen

24. On his return journey from the festival of speed, how many hours did it take Hopalong to get from Swindon to Manchester? 13

25. In which month did Hopalong and Squirrel end up crashing at Tessa's? August

JOKES

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes sweetie, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No sweetheart, it's because you're 25."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least two minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.. "Disregard," he says, "She got in the back seat by mistake."

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she's 18.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A woman was very distressed at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all

your crose". The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room". Again the woman did as instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me". So she did. Dr Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem velly bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman said anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr Chang looked her firmly in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ar#e".

A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks "Why?" He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different." She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs. After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag? A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!

Knock Knock! Who's There? Little boy blue! Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson!!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? A: Michael Jackson.

Q: He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. A: The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

Q: Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John? A: It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."

Q: What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called? A: "The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

Q. What does Jackson have in common with whisky? A. They both come in small tots

Q. What do Michael and Wal-Mart have in common? A. They both have boys briefs half-off

Aging Mildred is a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom". To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush". Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little p1ssed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"

CROSSWORD

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Fully updated table that doesn’t include the midweek games due to the fact this is going out, as some of the midweek games are being played. Not a great deal of motion from two weeks ago, but there has only been one set of matches played, and it was a fairly low scoring weekend. However the next couple of weeks see a glut of games with two European, three premiership and a Carling cup set of fixtures to boost everyone’s points.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Chelle's Allstars	648
2nd	Tip Top Team	618
3rd	Seek'em & Destroy	596
4th	Cherokee Hair Tampons	594
5th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	580
6th	Molyneux Misfits	578
7th	Magpie City FC	576
8th	Westside XI	575
9th	Andy	572
10th	Wednesday Wannabes	570
11th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	569
12th	Nic	566
13th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	562
14th	Owen	555
15th	Reigning Champions	537
16th	Full Gun Lollipops	531
17th	No use for a name	501
18th	MUP(pet)S	499
19th	Russian Gold	494
20th	Requiem For A Team	479
21st	Shit or Bust	415
22nd	The World's Smallest Violin	410
23rd	Nez	406
24th	The Unidumpers	363
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	340
26th	Whipping Boys	283
	Upto and Including 24th November

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Wednesday 19^th With the team down to its bare bones, and a new signing in the line-up, it was never going to be easy against old enemy Ashton Athletic. The match began in familiar circumstances, with Ashton employing their OAPs - the Hacker and the Blocker in their usual positions. Some uncharacteristic neat passing and movement from Hit the Bar cumulated in a couple of well-worked goals. With little to set the two teams apart at half time, Hit the Bar started the second half with a spring in their step. However, a combination of poor finishing and lack of subs meant, try as they might, they couldn't stop the all-too-familiar narrow-ish defeat 9-4

Ricky Organ - one of his better games, was instrumental in many of the neat, simple passing moves and showed good marking and tackling skills early on. However, mistakes crept in as tiredness set in late on. - 7

The Chemist - also started strongly with some neat touches and crisp shooting, helped the team keep it's shape well and made some key passes. As the match progressed though, the shooting became wayward and the marking a little loose - 7

Squirrel - often kept the team in it at times with some inspired saves when the defence had been beaten. Distribution was quick and accurate but unfortunately one or two soft goals blotted his copybook - 7

Dec - a useful debut from the foreign import. Showed some much-needed tenacity and helped link the team together via fluent passing. Kept running to the final whistle and was a constant harassment to the opposition. Finishing could have been better but did enough to earn SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Dancing - thrived on the simple pass-and-run tactics the team had stumbled upon. Often covered the back whilst others went forward but was found wanting in the final quarter of the game when his fuel reserves hit empty - 7

Wednesday 26^th In a bottom of the table 6 pointer Hit the bar lined up against The team with no name for the first time after previously gifting them all three points by not having a full side. If ever the cliché a game of two halves was fitting then this was it. After falling behind to two early goals, Hit the Bar hit top gear with a slick display of passing, movement and finishing, rarely seen all season, and despite being robbed by a lazy ref of a blatant goal they went into the break 7-3 up. However the second half saw possibly the worst ever Hit the Bar performance. There was more dogshit than a council run poop scoop patrol. Poor passing, little movement, Taibi like keeping, the inability to hit a cow's arse with a banjo, and poorly worked substitutions saw Hit the bar fall to a spirit crushing 9-8 defeat.

First Half

Ricky Organ - Good passing and movement, and chipped in with a goal. - 7

The Chemist - Comfortable on the ball, and made the opposition chase thin air, good goal. - 8

Squirrel - Solid performance, not a lot he could do about the three goals. - 7

Nez - Usual livewire self, full of running and moaning, still needs to pass more, but good goal - 7

Dancing - Played the simple stuff well, and showed some good finishing with a couple of goals - 8

G Man - All action display, which saw another two goals and unlucky to be robbed of his hat trick by a dodgy reffing decision - SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Owen - Solid defensive display, not afraid to get stuck in - 7

Second Half

Ricky Organ - Missing in action, get sidetracked by questioning the ref's decisions. - 2

The Chemist - Got into good positions to score, wasted the fucking lot. - 3

Squirrel - More bloopers than Dennis Norden. - SURERANDOMALITY BLACK HOLE - 1

Nez - Play the simple ball catchphrase would have been a good plan - 2

Dancing - Scored the consolation for a bittersweet hat trick - 4

G Man - Not his best ever display, frustratingly stuck on the sidelines as time ticked away - 4

Owen - Stick got stuck in the tackle, but piss poor distribution and own goal were not what the doctor ordered - 2

Scoring Chart. G-Man 22, Dancing 13, The Chemist 11, Ricky Organ 8, Nez 5, Hopalong 2, Turkish 2, Owen 1, Declan 1

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
HILTI FC	10	7	3	0	96	61	0	21
BANUS FC	10	6	3	1	114	66	0	19
EDGELEY WRECKHEADS	10	6	4	0	100	100	0	18
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	10	5	3	2	76	65	0	17
ASHTON ATHLETIC	10	5	5	0	75	79	0	15
INTER PIE & CHIPS	10	4	6	0	71	95	0	12
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	10	3	6	1	74	114	0	10
HIT THE BAR	10	2	8	0	65	91	0	6

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

None more frustrating than this bitch. Failed to go anywhere near her 28.88 time in September. Trapping as she is able - won't be caught!

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album should be available within the next fortnight after a hold up at the pressing plant. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec, X-Press 2 Feat. David Byrne – Lazy. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. G Man, Dancing, Vic, Seeks, Blondie, Morning, H and Helena.

RANDOM LIST

The top ten selling brands of beer and lager for the year upto August 2003. The figure is the sales in Millions.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

If we were intended to talk more than we hear, we’d have two mouths and only one ear.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

~holding an apple. Descriptive of a substantial penis, ie 10 inches long with a bend in the middles. Sometimes covered in jam.

Manchester United
Founded						1878
Turned Professional						1885
Admitted to the League						1892
Previous Names						Newton Heath
Nickname (s)						Red Devils
Ground						Old Trafford
Capacity						68,210
Previous Grounds						North Road, Monsall Road, Bank Street, Maine Road.
Seasons in Each Division
1						79
2						22
3						0
4						0
Trophies
League Champions						1907-08, 1910-11, 1951-52, 1955-56, 1956-57, 1964-65, 1966-67, 1992-93, 1993-94, 1995-96, 1996-97, 1998-99, 1999-2000, 2000-01, 2002-03
Division 2 (new Division 1)						1935-36, 1974-75
FA Cup						1909, 1948, 1963, 1977, 1983, 1985, 1990, 1994, 1996, 1999
League Cup						1992
Charity Shield						1908, 1911, 1952, 1956, 1957, 1983, 1993, 1994, 1996, 1997 & Shared in 1965, 1967, 1977 & 1990
European Cup						1968, 1999
European Cup Winners Cup						1991
European Super Cup						1991
Inter-Continental Cup						1999
Synopsis – Founding						Originally formed as Newton Heath Lancashire and Yorkshire Railway Cricket and Football club in 1878, the original club were declared bankrupt in 1902, and reformed as Manchester United.
Synopsis - Major Events						Starting out in the local Manchester league, they moved into the northern league, and then were admitted to the league as one of the founder members of Division 2. Despite winning the league in the early 1900's they were somewhat of a yo-yo club during the early years, and it wasn't really until after the second world war that they became the major club they are now. Having probably assembled one of the best sides in history during the 1950's they were sadly ripped apart by the Munich air disaster on their return from a European Cup semi final in 1958. After a brief spell in the second division in the early seventies, they went on to be the biggest club in terms of income in the world.
Synopsis - Recent times						The team since the advent of the Premier league, having won the title 8 times in 11 years, they are a money making machine on and off the pitch, and are always likely to be the title favourites.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They won the first ever Charity Shield, were the first English winners of the European cup, and were the first team to win the double twice, and have gone on to win three doubles in total. The only British winners of the Inter-Continental cup.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	155		42		18			471		141		114		59		42		392		253		908
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
1^st		1^st		2^nd			1^st		1^st		2^nd		1^st		1^st		1^st		3^rd		1st