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Surerandomality Everything’s Gone Green

Covering the period Thursday 27^th November to Thursday 11^th December

THE NEWS HEADLINES

THIS FORTNIGHT IN THE NEWS

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight.

A writer sccoped the literary award no one wants, for the worst sex scenes in fiction. Indian writer Aniruddha Bahal, triumphed beating off some stiff opposition. The Literary review award honour’s the year’s most embarrassing and inept description of sexual intercourse in a novel. The wining passage was “Your thumbs are at her ears regulating the speed of her head as she swallows and then sucks up your machinery.”        -           Left thumb faster, Right thumb slower.

A poor pensioner has complained after a TV station’s horoscope predicted she would get a big sum of money but none arrived in Maramures, Romania.    -           Obviously wasn’t a reality TV show.

In a follow up story to an earlier edition this year, reports have reached us of a 2^nd Great Fire of Burnage where on Sunday night the recycle paper bin near the co-op was set alight. Eye witness Mark Gill, said “It was the biggest fire I’ve ever seen, even bigger than the one earlier in the year, the flames got to about 6 inches high, and there was a globule of molten plastic on the floor, we were so glad when that pigeon came and shat on the fire and put it out.      -           Yet again all signs of any fire were missing the next day.

A motorcyclist who found he had forgotten his wallet after filling up with petrol paid with his nephew instead. The uncle offered nine year old Dy, who was with him on a trip to look for his father, as surety that he would return with the 90p he owed. Nearly two years later the petrol station owner has given up hope of him coming back. “I have decided to raise Dy as my own grandson,” she said.”    -           Does this mean that we can pay for curry by leaving Ricky Organ behind?

Bitter Bill Jones has started pulling down his terraced house in a desperate bid to stop his ex wife getting half of it in a divorce settlement. Bill, 50, is demolishing the house he has lived in for 20 years brick by brick because he fears he will be forced to sell it by former wife Zelda. So far he has removed the contents and roof of the two bed roomed home in Wednesbury, West Midlands, and is living rough. ‘I’m the one laughing now,’ he said. ‘When she sees the pile of bricks it will wipe the smile off her face.’    -            Makes me think I went about things in entirely the wrong way.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Blondie after a considerably long period of no victories.

Best wishes to Becky, who is recovering in hospital in Malaga.

Congratulations to Hit the Bar, who completed the double over the Edgeley Wreckheads.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Everything’s Gone Green, and before you start it’s not a tribute to the New Order single from 1983, but to the fact that Squirrel has had his hair dyed green, and it is a bit of a shock when you first see it. It was with much relief that I made the decision to go fortnightly after last week. It was the busiest this little bastard had been for ages, and if there had have been an issue last week, it would have been about three lines long and full of spelling mistakes. Well, the Christmas party season is upon us and there are a couple of major opportunities for the usual suspects to make things very messy. In fact it’s such a major party time that it’s going to be difficult to keep up with all the action, and a network of secret spies have been sent out to make sure that I get good reports back from everywhere. Then the next issue will be a couple of days early, and will hit the stands early on Wednesday 24^th December, yep that’s Christmas Eve for the less well informed of you. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

IT’S A SOCIAL WHIRL

THE DIARY

Thursday 27^th November – Despite a vigorous recruitment campaign, Squirrel only managed to persuade G Man that it was a good idea to go out drinking, and even that didn’t last very long. They got dropped off at the Slug and Lettuce, and after a couple of pints headed back to Chez Didsbury after finding that the baby had been freshly restocked. Hopalong decided that he’d rather go round to Gemma’s than carry on drinking and got a taxi round there after midnight. Ricky Organ arrived back from work just before 1 and had a couple of beers before heading off to bed, as did everyone except Squirrel who carried on drinking until falling asleep on the sofa.

Friday 28^th November – In a somewhat bizarre turn of events Ricky Organ was up and out of the house before 7.30 instead of his normal 10.30, Squirrel woke G Man at just after 8, and G Man just rang up work and asked for the day off. Just after 9 Hopalong rushed in and ran about as he was supposed to be at work, and managed to persuade G Man to give him a lift in. After a day of shopping Squirrel arrived back at Chez Didsbury to find that Amanda was round. Hopalong went out on a leaving do straight from work, starting at the Didsbury before heading into town. Ricky Organ and The Chemist went to see Eddie Izzard at the MEN before ending up somewhat surprisingly in the casino (Viva Las Vegas), where unsurprisingly both came out down. G Man managed to drag himself off the sofa and go to Revolution for another leaving do, along the way depositing Amanda back at home. He then managed to finish the night off by going to a house party in Swinton, and managed to christen another house with his puke. Squirrel, after being left alone at home, suddenly remembered that G Man had invited the neighbourhood weirdo Justin to over for a drink, and therefore exited sharply for the bright lights of Fallowfield. A quick stop in the friendship was followed by a large amount of alcohol in XS before transporting home via a kebab shop.

Saturday 29th November – Squirrel was awoken from his slumber in one the chairs by the movement of The Chemist in the living room. “What are you doing up at this time?” was answered by “It’s half eleven.” Next to surface just after midday was Hopalong who was somewhat put out to find Squirrel and The Chemist consuming food from Gregg’s. If he looked rough it was nothing compared to G Man when he arrived home shortly after. After waking in Swinton just before midday he got a taxi back to Chez Didsbury, and proceeded to crash on the sofa, with one arm of his shirt rolled up to hide the puke marks. Ricky Organ was the last to surface, and was soon travelling with Squirrel to Blackburn to pick up decks. There was a severe lack of motion from most residents, with G Man still motionless on the sofa, and Ricky Organ and The Chemist back in their rooms. Hopalong went out with Gemma into town and was impressed by M2 before going for a Cantonese, then a brief stop at the casino (Viva Las Vegas) to get a taxi, but Hopalong couldn’t resist £40 on black, and having won returned to the waiting Gemma. Meanwhile Squirrel was heading to Chortlon as Wes and Fiona were having a house party, as a joint birthday / housewarming bash. Revise and The Bar (yep that really is the imaginative name) were pre party locations before things kicked off just before midnight. Lots of people and lots of alcohol.  A little siesta for Squirrel was to be expected after mainlining spirits, and the last to leave left at 6 in the morning, with no major bust ups, and no major liaisons.

Sunday 30th November – After a party finishing at 6 in the morning there is absolutely, positively no fucking need for someone to be cleaning up, opening curtains and windows at 9. Unperturbed by this Squirrel found any remaining punch and started drinking again. By half eleven everyone else was in the process of moving, and after a couple of refresher beers, Wes and Squirrel headed to the Royal Oak to watch the football, though at half time Squirrel headed home to watch the rest of it.

Monday 1st December – A quiet day, and with the residents of Chez Didsbury taking it easy, Squirrel went round to see Garden’s new flat. Meanwhile, still feeling the effects of the flu, Kate managed to puke all over some unsuspecting woman on the bus home from work. Now that would be messy.

Tuesday 2nd December – This is where things start to blur into one with late nights blending into each other. Football was on the TV, and The Chemist was at Tae Kwon-Do. Hopalong was down in Bracknell for a meeting, or a course, or something.

Wednesday 3rd December – 5 a side football with the exception of Squirrel and Hopalong, who through work both made it back too late to play

Thursday 4th December –  G Man had the day off so that he could travel down to Essex with Amanda for a wedding over the weekend. Meanwhile Ricky Organ was also heading down south, first to pick up Jayne from Luton and then onto see his family in London. Hopalong stayed at Gemma’s which left just The Chemist and Squirrel watching shit TV.

Friday 5th December – Ricky Organ and G Man still being away, the only person out was The Chemist, who along with Phil was out on the Tae Kwon-Do social at the Footage. Meanwhile Hopalong was raiding the baby, and Squirrel embarked on a tidy up / move around to accommodate his decks and this led to the unearthing of the Christmas tree and disco ball, which were both set up in the lounge.

Saturday 6th December – G Man was at the wedding with Amanda feeling like a spare part not knowing anyone, Ricky Organ and Jayne were seeing Phantom of the Opera. Squirrel had his hair dyed green, and got back to an empty Chez Didsbury after working for most of the day, with Hopalong being out and about in town with Gemma, and The Chemist being out and about with Dan, Dickie Boy and others from his course. They did have similar problems to a couple of weeks before, being unable to get into Lucid (Dan wearing trainers), but did manage to get into Tiger Tiger by smuggling him in the middle of a group of girls. Squirrel headed for Fallowfield for a change and after a quick one in the Friendship, headed to XS for a few, speaking to the regulars, and then Wes and Steve when they arrived from playing pool in Chortlon. With it being Wes’s birthday they then headed off to Jabez, where things got a little bit hazy and messy. Squirrel woke up to find himself on the bus at the terminus.

Sunday 7th December – Hopalong and The Chemist combined to cook a fry up, and Squirrel managed to drag himself from his bed (which he found the night before for a change) to eat it. The Chemist went to Tae Kwon-Do, and Hopalong went to Gemma’s which meant they both missed the rescheduled 5 a side, which Ricky Organ managed to get back in time for, but G Man didn’t as he had more difficulties with the traffic.

Monday 8^th December – Hopalong went straight out from work with Gemma and had a somewhat unsuccessful attempt at the quiz. Everyone else was just lounging at home.

Tuesday 9^th December – Squirrel had a day off playing loud music and fucking with the decks. Meanwhile Seeks had a few public transport problems and ended up walking in from the Kellogg’s factory in Old Trafford to work, this was due to the fact that his train couldn’t get into Manchester and he had no cash, cash card or phone credit and so was an hour and a half late instead of his normal half an hour. The Chemist had Tae Kwon-Do, and football watching was the main evening theme.

Wednesday 10^th December – 5 a side in the evening against the little scallies, and more lounging watching shit TV. Hopalong was working late again and then was out with Gemma.

Thursday 11^th December – All quiet on the western front, with everyone reserving their strength for the partying ahead. That is except Garden and Blondie (amongst others) who were at the Justin Timberlake gig.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Morning (talking about printing off pictures on the printers at work) – I’ve managed to get them so they are full page, but they still print off in black and white.

Blondie – Is Essex in Cambridgeshire?

Morning – Isn’t Essex in Essex?

Seeks (upon seeing Squirrel’s green hair) – It’s Afro turf

During a discussion on drinking milk.

Seeks – I don’t like sterilised milk, it’s like water.

Squirrel – No, that’s Skimmed milk.

Blondie – So what is sterilised milk then?

Seeks – Isn’t that what comes out of women’s boobs?

Blondie – What date is it on the 17^th?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 12^th December – This will get messy, as it’s the work do for Squirrel, Garden, Blondie, Morning and Seeks, with Squirrel and Seeks straight out from work, before meeting up for the food part at Brannigan’s at 9. Doubtless there will be more locations, and plenty of incidents. Ricky Organ and Turkish are also on their work do, at the salubrious surroundings of Chicago rock bar in Macclesfield.

Saturday 13^th December – So how do you follow that then? Well of course by having the Chez Didsbury Christmas party the very next day. With the Manchester derby on at lunchtime, and the Ricky Hatton fight on at night, things are likely to get very messy, and with the threat of Tequila roulette hanging over them when they get home after the inevitable trip to the casino (Viva Las Vegas), the chances that any of them can speak or move on Sunday are spurious, not genuine and worth fuck all. Not only that but under no circumstances can Hopalong be allowed to wimp out, the excuse of “I’ve got work the next day”, doesn’t wash, seeing as you managed to do the fucker last year. Elsewhere Seeks is off to Dublin for the weekend (if he manages to get up after Friday night), so there will doubtless be tales of the stupid next time.

Sunday 14^th December – See above, not the most coherent of households, though Hopalong has promised to cook a roast, and there is another 5 a side game to get through, which happens to be the last match of the season.

Monday 15th to Thursday 18^th December – Doubtless many different drinks in many different bars as Christmas spirit is at the forefront.

Friday 19^th – G Man will be trying to taking it easy as he has to be at the airport early in the morning, but doubtless the rest of the Chez Didsbury Reprobates will be trying to get him as drunk as possible.

Saturday 20^th December to Tuesday 23^rd December – Nothing planned, but as those regular readers will know, that will not stop things getting messy, people will be making arrangements to head home for Christmas.

IN THE REALM WITHOUT SENSES

READER’S LETTERS

You really wouldn’t believe the amounts of post that keeps arriving, not only that but now the Christmas cards have turned up things are getting a bit out of hand. The staff are in the Christmas spirit and are therefore doing fuck all. Well at least I’ve got the new company laptop to sort all this shit out on. Well I suppose there’s little left apart from to get this party started.

First up is a Graham Marsh, from Leeds, West Yorkshire, who moans, "Why did you publish a letter complaining about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, is that the only thing that people can do now?" Well it would seem that if it is you certainly haven’t wasted any time jumping on the bandwagon have you?

A Kasey Simpson, from Alabama, USA, writes to confess the following, "I just want to have sex with my next door neighbour, but she is about 55 and looks like my grandmother, this is so wrong, I feel so dirty, but she turns me on so much. I’ve taken pictures of her tanning in the yard, and you do not want to know what I do to the pictures, I feels dirty. " Too true we don’t want to know what you do with the photos.

James Fisher from Northampton, Northants, writes the following, “ A common justification for doing something a little crazy is the saying, You could get run over by a bus tomorrow. Does anyone know the statistical chances of being run over by a bus  or how many people are run over by a bus every year.” More importantly does anyone really care????

Sheila Hunter from Romford, Essex, writes, “Four blade razors? Where will it all end? Five blades? Six?! Please stop this insanity now!” Fucking hell, what’s got your goat, chill, they’re only trying to make it easier for you to shave your moustache and chest hair.

Elaine Bonaface, from Lancing, West Sussex, makes the following point, “It was no surprise that David Beckham thought that the actor playing an estate agent was genuine, after all he thinks that Posh is a singer.” Ouch, back in the knife drawer for you miss sharp.

Meanwhile an Anne Firm, from Rushden in Northants, rants, “It could only happen in Britain, on one of the wettest days of the year we are told to prepare for a drought. Wrong type of rain I suppose.” Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity when it comes to letter writers.

A Francois Le Pen, from Le Harve, France, adds the following contribution, "Vous ne devez jamais sous-estimer la prévisibilité de stupidité. Vous me montrez comment régler un gitan sauvage de fucking et je vous montrerai comment régler un destabilisé, le gangster de nourrissage de cochon! C'est un deux Tyrone de camionnette de tonne de fucking. Son comme si son un sac pas d'arachides de fucking l'est maintenant? Un moissanite est un diamant artificiel, Lincoln. C'est Mickey Mouse, l'homme. Faux. Pas authentique. Et c'est la valeur.. Fuck-tout. Boris La Lame, autrement connu comme Boris "le russe de Fucking Sournois" comme a courbé la pour ainsi dire propre faucille, et aussi dur que le marteau qui les crosses il. Apparemment, c'est impossible de tuer le bâtard. " Did you understand a single word of what he just said? No, well you aren’t exactly Mr Current affairs then are you?

Finally, Mark Miniot, from Ely, Cambridgeshire, says, “I’m not buying this.” That’s a good fucking job, cos I’m not selling it.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

            It took little time for the bright lights to send shooting pains to his brain. He closed his eyes, but even then there wasn’t really any respite. He looked up and glanced around to see what the controllers were doing about the light, and saw that they were all wearing sunglasses. They had come prepared for this. It suddenly dawned on him that he had brought his sunglasses with him when he had left the hotel that morning, and although it felt like a different life time, he was fairly sure that he hadn’t lost or abandoned them anywhere else.

            He felt around in the pockets of his jacket and sure enough, he found them in the left inside pocket. He took out the Ray Ban wrap rounds, and put them on, and felt the relief almost immediately. The light was dimmed to an acceptable level, and his eyes began to relax from the sensory overload that he had been feeling.

            The throbbing in his head started to decrease and he strained to look around to see where the two women were in relation to himself, and although he nearly tied himself in knots turning to try and see them, he could not see any sign of them. However the vastness of the inside of the plane and the positioning of the chairs were almost certainly to blame for that. As he was straightening himself out, he caught a glance of the head controller. It looked like he was looking at him, watching over him, but with him wearing sunglasses as well it was difficult to tell exactly where he was looking.

            Once back in a comfortable position he closed his eyes and felt himself relax all the way through his body. Although he had been asleep a couple of times during the day, he had never actually felt relaxed, and yet here he was on the strangest plane journey of his life, and there had been many, and yet he felt at ease with everything.

            His mind wandered from thoughts of Claire, his parents, his school life, to his work, and how he became freelance and a specialist in computer security systems. Everything that went through his mind was memories of things that were good, and times when he was happy. The thoughts were a stark contrast to those that had clouded his consciousness during the day, and with what he felt sure would be a silly contented smile on his face, he drifted off to sleep yet again.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

Now normally I get all the reviews from somewhere inside the black hole that is my head, but I couldn’t resist the following review for a single release I saw this week.

Selfish Cunt – Britain is Shit – Mildly amusing art school nonsense. Where else are you going to get machine gun fire drums, a man using never mind the bollocks as his vocal coach, and lyrics urging you to put the kettle on? Like a lo fi Sigue Sigue Sputnik, but without the choruses.

Then we have this guest review from Patrick Bateman.

I attended Phantom wearing a casual Nicole Farhi cashmere sweater, boot-fit jeans from Gap and a pair of shoes from Base, London. It was classic Lloyd-Webber, featuring a phantom, an opera, and the most famous ice-hockey mask seen since Halloween. Lengthy interludes are peppered with powerful passages and the storyline is about as thin as Karen Carpenter after a fortnight on the Atkins diet.  You should probably see this once, but I won't be putting the DVD box set on my Christmas list (note to Ed: don't even think about it).  The Simpson's episode featuring the Martin Prince parody is probably a better bet, but if it has to be a show, it has to be Les Mis. 3/5

A few viewing delights have hit the screens of Chez Didsbury in the past week as well. First up there was Crash, on Sunday night. A David Cronenberg film based on a JG Ballard book, was always going to be a combination for something a little freaky, and it didn’t disappoint. Sex and car wrecks was the theme from the outset, with the worse the crash, the more the participants got turned on. Everyone was at it, with bloke on bloke and woman on woman action in wrecked cars, and just after crashes. Viewing for the disturbed mind.

Not to be outdone, was the Monday night DVD offering “You gotta see this – too hot for TV”, and there is a good reason for that, some of the sickest sporting injuries imaginable, had the normally strong stomachs turning, and although it was balanced off by topless boxing and naked wrestling, the highlight reel at the end catches the viewer unaware again. Not to be watched while eating or if you suffer from a nervous disposition.

Finally on a lighter note there is the new KFC advert, all it needs is an appearance from G Man, and it would be complete, you’ll know the one as soon as you see it, and it certainly made the residents laugh.

THE LEARNING ZONE

RANDOM FACTS

In 1863, Robert Lincoln, son of the president, was saved from death when he was pulled from the path of a train by Edwin Booth. Two year’s later the hero’s brother John Wilkes Booth shot and killed Abraham Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre in Washington.

The most golf balls stacked on top of each other without the aid of adhesive is 9 by Don Athey in 1998.

Jonny Wilkinson's grandfather played for Norwich City

LEICESTER'S HISTORY

St. Denys, Evington

Evington is a Saxon village to the south east of Leicester , which was incorporated into the city of Leicester during it’s expansion in the 20^th century in 1935.

The current church was begun in around 1200, and consisted of the nave, chancel, and a tower and spire, it is believed that the tower dates from 1190, and if so then it would have been a part of an older manor church. In 1219 the church was dedicated to St. Denys, and opened.

The south aisle was built in the early 14^th century (1300-1305) with the south porch, and the north aisle was added in 1340, by the Grey family. When the aisles were built they caused a lack of light in the nave, which was solved by a new roof being constructed for the nave in the early 15^th century, this was likely to have been paid for by the Grey family.

The tower has four bells in it, dating from 1605, 1637, 1797, and 1906, and the tower and spire are the original ones built in the 13^th century with the exception of the top six feet of the spire and weather vane which were replaced in the 1950’s after being struck by lightning.

The south porch was removed and the entrance blocked up in 1840, and by 1867 the chancel needed to be rebuilt, and it was replaced by a larger Victorian gothic structure. The North porch was added in 1919, and the doorway completely renewed as a memorial to those that had died during World War I.

The vestries were added in 1957-58 by Henry Herbert & Sons, and for them to be built required the moving of 32 of the graves in the churchyard. At the same time the south entrance that had previously been blocked up was reopened.

St. Denys

St. Denys was the first bishop of Paris. How he came about his martyrdom has two different stories.

The first is that he was sent by Pope Clement I into Gaul to evangelise during the 1^st century, and was killed by Dominition and Trajan.

The second is that he was murdered during the persecution of Emperor Decur in the 3^rd century. He was tortured and decapitated, and his body was thrown into the River Seine, the body was recovered by his disciples and buried.  The famous Abbey of St. Denis, being built on the burial site.

The second theory is more likely, and the Bishop of Lincoln at the time of the building of the church had served at this abbey, and it thought that this is why the church was named so.

ON THIS DAY

December 1st.

Born – Pablo Escobar Gaviria (The man responsible for most Columbian Marching Powder) 1949

Died – Phillip Larkin 1985

Event – 1976 Angola admitted to the UN

Event – 1987 Digging begins to link England and France under the English Channel

Holiday – Liberia has the Matilda Newport Day

Saint's Day – Edmund Campion, One of the English Martyrs

December 9th

Born – Clarence Birdseye 1886

Died – Danny Blanchflower 1993

Event – 1783 1^st Execution at Newgate Jail

Event – 1990 Lech Walesa wins presidential election in Poland

Holiday – Tanzania has it’s Independence day

Saint's Day – St Peter Fourier, French Priest

THE RANDOM FACTOR

RANDOM LIST

The top ten biggest spenders on advertising for the year 2002 (food and drink).

1 McDonald's £42m

2 Coca-Cola £15.5m

3 KFC £15.1m

4 Burger King £11.1m

5 Pizza Hut £9.3m

6 Diet Coca-Cola £7.3m

7 Pringles £6.7m

8 Kit Kat £6.4m

9 Weetabix £6.3m

10 Kellogg's Corn Flakes £6.2m

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday

Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.

If you get corn oil from corn, linseed oil from linseed and vegetable oil from vegetables, where the hell does Haemorrhoid cream come from then?

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Sausage Wallet (n).

A wallet fro putting sausages in. A fanny.

BREAK TIME

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition. John Smith’s feature a fifty five year old mum in one of their adverts. The winner of the model Mercedes SL 55 is a T McMahon, from Kensington, Liverpool. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows. How many people signed the American Declaration of independence? The first correct answer out of the hat on Monday 22nd December wins a Copy of New Order’s Everything’s gone green.

JOKES

There’s guy sitting in the bar just looking at his drink. He sits there just staring at it for half an hour. Then a big bloke comes in, snatches it and downs it in one. The man bursts into tears, so the big bloke say, “Sorry mate, it was only a joke, let me get you another one.” The little fella says, “No it’s not that. Today is the worse day of my life. First I overslept and was late for work, so my boss fired me. When I got out to the car park I found that my car had been stolen. So I got a taxi and left my wallet in the cab. And then I discovered my wife in bed with the gardener when I got home. So I came to this pub for a drink and was wondering whether to end it all. And then, just as I decide to go through with it, you show up and drink my poison.”

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what' You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what''''' ''''What, my dear''''' she asked gently. ''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''

What is Helen Keller's favourite colour? Corduroy

After God had created Man he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself." Then he turned and looked at the Woman. After he had been studying her for a while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up."

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning. He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?" "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing. "I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor. Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed. The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?" Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!" So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?" Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!" Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36." Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34." "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life. "I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

What is worse than letting Michael Jackson put your kids to bed? Letting Ian Huntley bath them.

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another''' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.'' The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here: Number 1: It's martini, not martooni. Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, 'You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.' 'But I'm not pregnant,' she says. 'Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,' he says.

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvellous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighbourhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind!"

CROSSWORD

Crucifix

THIS SPORTING LIFE

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Not quite fully updated table that doesn’t include the midweek games due to the fact that this was written in one sitting, on Tuesday, and it’s too much trouble to have to update it all again, however the web site will have the fully updated table on it. Despite the glut of games there still isn’t that much movement in the table, and it’s getting fairly tightly packed in the top half. Meanwhile, some things never change, the whipping boys are still getting whipped and look like they will never drag themselves off the bottom.

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Wednesday 3rd The team turned up amid an air of apprehension as top-of-the-league Hilti FC were the formidable opposition.  With a potential pasting on the cards, Hit The Bar brought in yet another free signing, who unusually possessed previous Power League experience.  Without the familiar presence of Squirrel in goal, a rotation system was employed by the outfield players. The game got underway superbly for Hit The Bar - going 2-0 up in 1 minute, with neither Ricky Organ (in goal) or Dancing (still warming-up) touching the ball.  An inspired first half performance was somewhat marred right at the end when stand-in keeper, Ricky Organ, changed his mind at the last minute about where he was going to roll the ball, resulting in a looping, girly-effort straight to the opposition's striker, with a goal resulting. The second half was also a tightly fought affair with Hilti slowly gaining the upper-hand thanks to mistakes by Hit the Bar, a slightly harsh penalty decision and general fatigue.  The dying moments saw a deflected goal

handing Hilti FC a perhaps undeserved, 9-8 win. No fannying around in the player ratings this week, despite a good performance, this reviewer decided a healthy dose of bluntness was needed to spur the players on

Nez - full of ideas, running and some goals early on, but when the tide turned in the second half, started moaning like a cheap whore.  3 goals were just enough to earn SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

G-Man - an average performance but failed to live up to self-appointed Star Man rating of previous week - 6

Ricky Organ - good work in goal ruined by A-class blunder, got knackered on the pitch as usual - 6

The Chemist - started well on the pitch but faded, started well in goal but then forgot to stay within the boundaries of the penalty area - 6

Wazza Boy - thunderous dipping goal was the highlight, shame about the other wasted chances - 7

Dancing - lost out on 50-50s due to having the body strength of Bambi, threw himself about in goal with mixed results - 6

Sunday 7th The first Sunday fixture of the season (rescheduled to allow coverage by Sky Sports) saw Hit The Bar up against second-in-the-league Banus FC.  With a threadbare squad, the match was always going to be a tough one.  Squirrel was reinstated between the sticks but the previously ever-present Chemist was absent. The match started as they usually do - with Hit The Bar creating chances, scoring goals, saving shots and marking well.  However, it all went pear-shaped when Banus FC started to use their sub to maximal effect (the bastards).  Needless to say, by the start of the second half legs were getting heavy and runs were not being made.  The increasingly injured, and consequently decreasingly mobile, Squirrel could do nothing to stop the late onslaught which gave Banus FC a flattering 14-6 win.

Squirrel - initially the green hair he was sporting did the job of putting off the opposition.  Unfortunately, an ankle injury in the second half severely limited his mobility (the QE2 had a faster turning circle) and he was powerless to stop the increasing volume of shots - 6

Nez - a determined performance from the fiery youngster.  Showed real passion and made some fine passes, runs and was solid in the tackle, but needs to play with his head a bit more.  Tried to keep going to the end but, although the mind was willing, the body was weak. - 7

Ricky Organ - an excellent first-half display capped by a couple of good, team goals.  Was always on the look out for the runners although the pass didn't always match the intention.  The signs are that match fitness is slowly improving and should be there or thereabouts for the start of the new season.  SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Dancing - turned up late and took a while to get going.  Helped the team keep valuable possession by playing the simple ball out of defence. However, must have left his shooting-boots at home as too many chances to score went begging, especially as tiredness set in. - 6

Owen - a much improved performance on recent weeks.  Is starting to pass the ball around well and was caught in possession much less frequently than on previous occasions.  If he continues in this trend, could become a valuable member of the team, although fitness still needs some work. - 6

Wednesday 10th Hit The Bar's third game in 8 days meant that some weary legs took to the field against the bunch of scrawny scallies, known collectively as the Edgeley Wreckheads.  Ricky Organ was approaching the game with a perhaps unjustified feeling of confidence and seemed to be under the bizarre impression that a win was on the cards. The game started at a lively tempo with both sides hitting a few well-worked goals, and few mistakes being made.  Some dubious challenges from the scallies towards the end of the first half earnt them a well-deserved rebuke from the ref.  As the second half began, with the sides pretty much even, there was a sense of "been here before" for Hit The Bar as the scallies scored a training ground move straight from the kick-off, resulting in heads beginning to drop and legs tiring further.  Suddenly, as if from nowhere, Hit The Bar stumbled across something they had been searching for all season - a real desire to win.  Steadily, they got their game together and some great goals were scored, last ditch tackles went in, and outstanding saves were made.  As the game approached the dying minutes, Hit The Bar refused to lose this one, and clung on to a brilliant 10-8 victory, thereby completing the double this season against those local lads.

Squirrel -  Dennis Norden turned up to watch but went home early as there wasn't a blooper in sight this week.  Time and again he kept Hit The Bar in the game with a series of first class saves, in addition his distribution was accurate if not somewhat illegal.  The unsung hero of the match, and deservedly: SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Nez - Another fine performance.  Showed real passion to win the game and was determined to win every tackle.  Scored a couple of excellent goals and is starting to show some staying-power throughout the match.  Almost ruined his effort by getting involved in some heated exchanges with, well, anyone that

would listen really. - 8

Turkish - His recent absence from the team was evident, as at times he lacked sharpness and fitness.  However, late on he provided a valuable outlet up front and did some sterling work in holding the ball up and winding down the clock.  Constantly fouled by the opposition, he did well to cap his display with a couple of goals. - 7

Dancing - A good all-round performance although still needs more conviction in the tackle.  Scored a clever goal by working out the angle required to strike both posts and then the back of the keeper's head in order to land the ball in the back of the net.  Made some valuable interceptions and good runs, but should perhaps have put away more of the chances on goal - 8

G-Man - Slotted straight back into the team after Sunday's absence and straight back onto the score sheet as well.  Was instrumental in the come-on-boys-lets-win-this attitude of the second half and rarely stopped running.  A couple of wasted chances, including a glorious "spooner" were the only obvious  faults. - 8

Ricky Organ - His confidence before the game may well have instilled some much needed self-belief in the team.  Despite a few chances, there were no goals to his name.  However, provided some selfless and valuable support work to allow others to score and chipped in with some excellent defending. Good stamina throughout, but needs to add the clinical finish to his game. - 7

Scoring Chart. G-Man 27, Dancing 17, Nez 13, The Chemist 12, Ricky Organ 11, Turkish 4, Hopalong 2, Owen 1, Declan 1, Wazza Boy 1

Division 5

Below is the fixture list for the rest of the season

    DATE                  OPPONENTS                      KO Time

14/12/2003        Inter Pie & Chips                        6:30 PM (NB changed to a Sunday)

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Dog Ruff

Up in grade tonight. Led from the first bend and just managed to hang on in A4 on Tuesday. Could find the opposition too hot here

SURERANDOMALITY STUFF

WEB LINKS

Find the homepage for the website at surerandomality.20fr.com

For everything to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2004.htm

For all random facts go to surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To get the full version of the main story go to the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm

To get rid of the annoying pop up messages go to http://www.panicware.com/popupstopper.html and download and install the free version onto your PC.

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, though there is now a hold-up with the art work for the inlay, but I have been reliably informed that they will be available for Christmas. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders  - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Back Issues available at the very reasonable price of £1 per issue.

A bumper edition of the First year’s editions is also available at £30.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

CONTACT INFORMATION

E mail contributions to surerandomality@hotmail.com or surerandomality@yahoo.co.uk

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston  & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

Squirrel hot line 0781 645 8542.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. Dancing, Blondie, H, Vic, Ricky Organ, Seeks, and Patrick Bateman.

TOTAL = 25

THIS YEAR’S TOTAL = 92

CUMULATIVE TOTAL = 922

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