Surerandomality

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister who surrendered to U.S. forces, stunned the world today by revealing that the man captured last week isn’t in fact former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, and that in fact former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is alive and well and dating the Hollywood actress Demi Moore. According to Mr. al-Sahaf, aka "Baghdad Bob" or "Comical Ali," the Iraqi strongman narrowly escaped a missile strike on his fortified bunker in April and hopped onboard the next plane to Ketchum, Idaho. There he met Ms. Moore, with whom the brutal dictator had been enamoured since her memorable turn in the 1985 film "St. Elmo's Fire." After a whirlwind romance, Mr. al-Sahaf told

U.S.

officials, the Iraqi strongman had radical plastic surgery to make him "a dead ringer" for "That 70's Show" star Ashton Kutcher. But Mr. al-Sahaf hinted that the Iraqi madman's romance with Demi Moore might mask more sinister intentions. "Saddam is convinced that the road back to power goes through Demi Moore," Mr. al-Sahaf told the officials. According to Mr. al-Sahaf, Saddam has a three-point plan: "One: Marry Demi Moore. Two: Appear with Demi Moore at 2004 MTV Movie Awards. Three: Return to power in

Iraq

." While

U.S.

officials conceded that Mr. al-Sahaf is a "less than reliable" source, they worried that his revelations could make the reconstruction process in

Iraq

more difficult. "Whether Saddam is dating Demi Moore or not, as long as that rumour’s out there it makes it hard for the Iraqi people to move on," one official said. In another of his typically upbeat assessments, Mr. al-Sahaf said today that the new Charlie's Angels" film would be "the best movie ever released." - Sneaky fucking Iraqi, no wonder it was suddenly so easy to capture him.

Oregon state minimum-security prison inmate Jason Hayes, 29, was doing his assigned job when he noticed the guards were looking the other way. "He just walked," a prison spokeswoman says, making an escape. After walking for half an hour he passed by the state Department of Corrections headquarters building in Salem. As it happened, a DoC employee was getting into her car and noticed his prison uniform. Her job: chasing down escaped fugitives. She confronted Hayes and he ran, jumping over a barbed-wire-topped fence -- landing in the middle of a training exercise for the police SWAT team. He was quickly arrested. - I known some tits in my time, but no one quite as stupid as this one.

When Larry Eastep couldn't go to Terlingua, Texas, to compete in a chilli cook-off, his brother, Don, 64, went instead. Don wasn't a chilli chef, but he enjoyed the event anyway. As he went around from booth to booth to sample the various entries, he put a spoonful of each cook's effort into a pot and, at the end, submitted the mix as his entry in the competition. He won. Eastep was too stunned to protest. "I was afraid if I would have said something at the time, a Texas lynch mob would have come after me," he said later. Other cooks protested, since they didn't see Eastep cooking, so he quickly 'fessed up and turned the trophy over to the runner-up. Judge Tom Nall called Eastep a "rotten, no-good scoundrel" who is banned from future competitions. - Now we know how Squirrel makes his chilli.

After a Farmington Hills, Mich., shoe store was robbed, police found the robber had dropped something: his cell phone. They traced the phone to Wilbert Boswell, 49. They called him to say that a citizen had turned in his lost phone, and he could come to the station to get it. But Boswell is "dumber than dumb," said Police Chief William Dwyer -- he "didn't even make it to the right police station." Boswell stopped at a neighbouring town's police station, "where officers stalled him until our guys could go over and pick him up." - Sorry, my earlier statement may have been incorrect, I do now know a bigger tit.

George Pulido, 29, of Queens Village, N.Y., was bringing his children home from an afternoon birthday party when his son Christopher, 9, lost the grip on the Winnie the Pooh balloon he was carrying. When it hit the sidewalk, it popped. "Three cops were at the curb in a car and one of them called me over," Pulido says, "and said he was giving me a ticket." When Pulido asked the officer if he was serious, "the cop gave me a hard look and asked me, 'Do you think popping a balloon is funny?"' The officer cited Pulido "making unreasonable noise." - Good job he can’t hear The Chemist sneezing then.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was retained by Blondie in an attempt to go back to the old days.

Congratulations to Dominic Matteo who, on Monday night broke the record for the amount of times “you know” was used during a single interview.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all readers and contributors, and celebrities alike. May you get everything you deserve.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality The Heinz Variety passenger. Well it’s Christmas Eve, and the holiday season is now in full swing. Everywhere seems busier, pubs, shops, buses, and brothels. It has been a fortnight where everyone you meet seems like they are a busy little bastard. The surerandomality staff have been winding down for Christmas since about August, and I worry that they have now wound down to such a level that I am going to struggle to get them moving again when the new year comes around. Elsewhere it has been good to see that there has been a vast reduction in the amount of Muppets wandering round in Santa hats, well with the exception of those yanks in the Mosconi cup. Meanwhile I am looking forward to the additional time off, and will be taking every opportunity to take the time to relax and recharge. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

RANDOM LIST

The top ten bestselling grocery brands in the

(for the year ending 2001) and the value of the sales

RANDOM THOUGHTS

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

THE DIARY

Friday 12^th December – They let G Man out early from work and along with Wayne and Chris an all dayer was started on. Works parties were the order of the evening, and the first out for theirs were Squirrel and Seeks, who started at 6 in the Square Albert. They were joined after 7 by the already somewhat worse for wear G Man, Wayne and Chris. After a couple more drinks they headed to Brannigans. Next to turn up was Karen, which was shortly followed by Chris puking on the dance floor, and then proceeding to dance in it. Garden and Blondie then turned up, and then Morning and Maggie. Entrance to the VIP area and food followed, and Chris was at the food before it was even on the table. For some reason a bloke making stuff out of balloons was wandering round, and Seeks wandered round for quite a while wearing a balloon gladiators helmet. After food came dancing, with Seeks getting up on the stage to twirl round like a dervish. First to go were Morning and Maggie, and G Man wasn’t far behind them, though the 10pm deadline he’d been given to be at Amanda’s was a distant memory, and it was after midnight when he arrived there, where he managed to crash out in the starfish position almost straight away. Back at Brannigans, Dale arrived, and the drinking continued, and things became a bit hazy. Elsewhere Ricky Organ and Turkish were getting hammered at the AZ do and were trying to track down and other Chez Didsbury residents to meet up with. Hopalong and The Chemist were keeping a low profile at home, G Man had passed out, and Squirrel wasn’t ever going to hear his phone in a club, so they headed home instead. For some reason Brannigans closed at 1, Seeks had already left, though Blondie saw him in Teasers. Karen fell into the car of her lift. Garden and Dale went to queue for a taxi. Squirrel took quarter of an hour to get from Brannigans to Teasers, where he was refused entrance, partly because of his green hair, and partly because of the fact that he was completely wankered. Blondie left Teasers and found Garden and Dale still queuing for a taxi, and went back with them.

Saturday 13^th December – Somehow Seeks managed to make it to the airport to go to Dublin without any hitches, something that Squirrel, who woke in the chair at 8 with no idea of how he managed to get home, might have had difficulties with. G Man was off to the football for the Manchester derby. Everyone assembled in the lounge in the evening, but the previous day’s exercions meant that the full Chez Didsbury Christmas party wasn’t going to be moving much. There were a few beers had, and the boxing was watched, though the night was a bit of a damp squib. Squirrel though did manage to carry on watching boxing from the states until 6 in the morning.

Sunday 14^th December – The roast didn’t materialise either as Hopalong was working. Sport watching was the main occupation for the day, with the 5 a side cancelled cos the opposition pulled out, early nights all round followed.

Monday 15th December – No idea, my brain is so addled by this point that I haven’t got a clue what’s been happening

Tuesday 16th December – Nothing immediately strikes me as happening. G Man is in the middle of a long period off work this week, and therefore is likely to have been with Amanda. Hopalong will have been working late.

Wednesday 17th December – An early 5 a side kick off was done without Ricky Organ, who was away on another work jolly, with drinking til 5 in the morning at some plush hotel somewhere in Cheshire.

Thursday 18th December – Quiet night in, except for G Man who was out somewhere with Amanda.

Friday 19th December – Squirrel had the day off, and G Man had only half a day (the only half day he’d been at work all week), and used to time to get ready for his forthcoming holiday and for his work do which was at the moat house that evening. One by one the residents came back home and the beers were started on, while watching the pool. There was a Christmassy feel in the house, and it is quite difficult to try and describe just what it was like. A game of family fortunes was started, the TV was turned off, and some quality mellow music was put on, with Frank Sinatra, Elton John, The Beatles and The Rolling Stones providing the soundtrack. The lights were turned off, with the Christmas tree lights, the spinning disco ball and outside lights providing a very homely feel. More drink was consumed, Scrabble was played and a very civilised evening (and so far removed from the image of Chez Didsbury it was quite spooky) followed as the residents waited for G Man to come home so that the present opening could take place. At 3am that was considered to be a lost cause, and everyone traipsed off to bed but within half an hour G Man arrived back in, and was intent on causing chaos and mayhem, wherever he’d been things had obviously got very messy. He’d been in two minutes when there was a knock on the door. It was the taxi driver who was waiting for G Man to return to pay him. Squirrel paid the driver, and along with Hopalong sat while G Man opened his presents. G Man had failed in his attempt to get Ricky Organ and The Chemist up again to join in. The Surerandomality album went on at a loud volume, and G Man passed out on the sofa just after 4.

Saturday 20th December – Early morning and Squirrel is trying to get G Man to get up as his parents are arriving to take him to the airport for their holiday to the states and Caribbean. Despite repeated efforts nothing moved G Man until his dad arrived, and shouted at him. With G Man still being pissed as a fart a bit of a slapdash packing followed, during which it is quite possible that there was no underwear packed, and certainly the cutlery put in his case by Hopalong the night before wasn’t removed. It was also discovered that he’s left his jacket, phone and keys at the moat house the night before. To say his dad wasn’t impresses was somewhat of an understatement. Little movement in the house during the day, with only Ricky Organ exchanging and opening presents, as the last evening they would all be there together. No really late nights, meaning a fairly quite weekend all round.

Sunday 21st December – Hopalong was off to Gemma’s for the day and night. Ricky Organ was out shopping again, this time with Jayne. The Chemist and Squirrel didn’t do a great deal. Another late night watching sport followed.

Monday 22nd December – Hopalong was at Gemma’s again, which left The Chemist, Squirrel and Ricky Organ watching football and other random TV.

Tuesday 23rd December – Hopalong went to Edinburgh for Christmas. The Chemist and Ricky Organ were spending their last nights in Manchester before going off home for Christmas. Ricky Organ went out for food with Jayne, and then came back to watch a DVD. The Chemist and Squirrel watched more boxing.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Blondie – When they have the boxing at the MEN, do they put the ring in the middle?

Ricky Hatton (in his post fight interview) – It’s not a tickling competition.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Wednesday 24^th December (Christmas Eve) – With everyone else having departed to go home for Christmas, Squirrel is out and about by himself to cause mischief, and will probably be ensconced in the Friendship.

Sunday 28^th December – See above again, some people will be starting to make their way back to Chez Didsbury

Monday 29th to Tuesday 30^th December – Lull days, as in the quiet before the storm, some people working, and trying to keep a low profile prior to.

Wednesday 31^st December (New Year’s Eve) – What should be the biggest night of the year and no one has the slightest clue what the fuck is going to happen. Nothing has been organised and it’s not even certain who’s going to be around. The only certainty is that G Man will not be in the country.

Friday 2^nd to Tuesday 6^th January – This seems so far away that it’s almost impossible to foresee what’s going to happen next year, as the saying goes, my crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear.

READER’S LETTERS

You really wouldn’t believe the amounts of post that keeps arriving, not only that but now the Christmas cards have turned up things are getting a bit out of hand. The staff are in the Christmas spirit and are therefore doing fuck all. Well at least I’ve got the new company laptop to sort all this shit out on. Well I suppose there’s little left apart from to get this party started.

First up is a Susan Hatton, from Chelmsford, Essex, who complains, "Why did you publish a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, is complaining the new fashion or something?" If it is then you’re certainly at the forefront aren’t you?

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Jaltil Rjektal from Bergen,

Norway

, who has this little contribution to add, “Ja. Dra ikke til

England

. Seter og et styrende hjul. Fuck vender mot jeg liker den Errol. Jeg huske den neste gang jeg krabber av yer mum. De er alltid gonna har problemer som løfte en kropp i et stykke. Tydelig skjærer den beste tingen gjøre opp et lik inn i seks stykker og stabler det all sammen. Ha De som noensinne trådd opp på veien, og De vender og en bils nesten på De? noe meget merkelig skjer. Deres liv avgasser ikke før Deres øyne, co De er også fucking skremt tro - De fryser akkurat og drar et dumt ansikt! “ Did you understand a single word of what she just said? No? Well you’re not exactly Mr Current Affairs then are you?

Once again a mix up in the postal services has meant that we have received a number of letters and replies to and from Santa, and I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get them printed here.

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your Friend, Thomas. Dear Thomas, All toys get made in

China

. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little fuckers!

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy. Dear Teddy, What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I’ll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Lego in the mean time and let's see if you can build up a family with those.

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love from your friend Susan. Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice to Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny walker and some toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love Sarah. Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. So how do you get into our home? Your mate Marky. Dear Marky, First of all, stop calling yourself Marky. That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low rent apartment complex in Mt Druitt. I can get inside your shit hole just like all the crims do. I'll mail your mum some crack the week before Xmas and she'll leave me a key. I'm sending you food stamps for Xmas.

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Your Friend, Jessica. Dear Jessica, Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I'm skipping your house.

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some GI Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love Francis. Dear Francis, I'll tell you what, I’ll send you a round trip ticket to the north pole so when you get here I can kick some sense into your fucking head. Who names their kid Francis anyway? I bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village People album instead.

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. Yer Frend, Billy. Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in trash disposal. How about I send you a fucking dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least he can spell! P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Your best friend, Timmy. Dear Timmy, That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't fly up here. Your getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.

A Rocky Wepner, from Portland, Oregon confesses, “Right after high school I moved in with two roommates that were close friends. I met an ugly girl at a party and pretended I was interested in her so I could fuck her. She was a virgin. I popped her cherry on my roommates couch and got blood all over the cushion. Instead of cleaning it I just flipped the cushion over. I told the girl I didn't want to see her anymore.” And the moral of the story is?

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

They sat in front of the hearth, with the coal effect gas fire roaring, well gently hissing, to keep them warm. Claire was opening her presents, working her way through the various bits and pieces that she had received from her work colleagues and other friends, it was the first such opening of the day as there would be another set of presents when they went over to her parents house for Christmas dinner later on, and joined up with the rest of her family. The whose family to visit? thing had ended earlier in the year with the death of his mother, the last of his living relatives that he actually knew or spoke to, he had some distant relatives but he’d never met them and he had no contact with them.

She looked up and got him to open one of his presents, but he wasn’t really that interested in them, the only important gifts would be the ones from Claire anyway, besides it wouldn’t take long to open the couple he had. His friends had a tradition of not buying each other presents, but instead using the money to go out, have a slap up meal, lots of drinks, then off clubbing, Zanzibar Blue again, and then early morning breakfast at Jim’s Steaks just a bit further down South Broad Street. This year they’d all gone on to catch a Flyers game the following afternoon, and on reflection it would have probably been cheaper to buy each other presents, but it had been a good 36 hours.

Basically he enjoyed watching Claire open her presents, and to watch the expression of joy on her face whenever she opened anything. It didn’t matter what it was, everything she opened would draw an excited gasp as if it was the most wondrous item in the world. It wasn’t fake emotion either, she genuinely loved anything she received and was always grateful. He knew that she would spend much of the followed afternoon writing out thank you notes with gushing enthusiasm.

She started to open some of the smaller items that he’d bought her, the new Patricia Cornwell novel All That Remains, the third such novel featuring Kay Scarpetta, as he knew that Claire was a fan. He read the first two himself and had enjoyed them, and he’d probably read this one once Claire had finished with it. He’d also got her recent Whitney release from The Bodyguard. Definitely not his taste, as he though her to be a bit of a screaming witch, but Claire was a big fan, and he’d found it a bit surprising she hadn’t already got it. The final item for opening was a matching scarf and gloves set that he’d seen her admiring in JC Penney’s the week before. As she was opening this he produced the final item from it’s hiding place, and passed it over to her.

He watched with baited breath, knowing that she would love it, he’d spent all his generous bonus from Trebling on it. It was a gold, diamond encrusted Cartier watch, with a personalized inscription on it. She had unwrapped the outer layer of paper, and was then faced with the plain protective layer of cardboard, then underneath to the plain black box with just the word Cartier engraved in gold leaf on it. She opened the box lid, and her face lit up. He felt himself smiling, but he also felt himself shaking. He closed his eyes, and paused for a couple of seconds, then reopened them.

He woke to see the bright whiteness all around him, and it took a moment to register that he was on the plane and the situation he was in. It was all just a memory of his last Christmas with Claire.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

First up is a guest review, which comes from Ricky Organ and is on Love Actually.

They heralded it as this year’s must-see romantic comedy - I wasn't convinced by the oxymoron. As the credits rolled by... Hugh Grant (floppy-haired twat)... Emma Thomson (maybe 20 years ago)... Alan Rickman (sans Hans)... Martine McCucheon (Grant's fat bird)... it didn't look much better. But then wait... Tim from the Office... Rab C Nesbitt... Keira Knightley - perhaps things were looking up. I'd love to say that this was a typically lame chick flick, but to be honest it's uplifting, if slightly schmaltzy in places, and overall very entertaining. If you only watch one film this Christmas, then make it The Return of the King. However if you're at a loose end for a couple of hours during the sales, then you could do a lot worse, actually.

Then it’s the Mosconi cup, live from the MGM Grand, (viva) Las Vegas, which was billed as the Ryder Cup of 9 ball pool. It features teams from Europe and the

in the race for 11 points. The first two days were for the players to get used to the table, and there were a mixture of singles and doubles games. All game were the first to 5, and after day one the

led 3-2. For some reason only four games were played on the Friday, and the US won the day again 3-1 to take an overall 6-3 lead. Day three saw the atmosphere and the level of play go up a notch, with the European team whitewashing the US team 5-0 on the day to take an overall 8-6 lead, with the definite highlight of the day being Steve Davis drubbing the 4 time world pool champion, world champion whiner and overall poor sport Earl “The Pearl” Strickland 5-0 in quick time. Day 4 saw an all singles day. Leading off for Europe was the reigning world champion Thorsten Hohmann, who went down against Rodney Morris, the hyper Hawaiian. Meanwhile Nick Varner, the

team non playing captain, was cranking up the crowd, with chants of U-S-A after what seemed like every pot. It is worth mentioning that Nick Varner is in fact an elderly midget Art Garfunkel in disguise, and despite being only four and a half foot tall, still had trousers that were 3 inches too short. Next up was Steve Davis, who lost to an extremely annoying Johnny Archer, who removed more invisible specks of dust from the table during his 5-3 win than the rest of the players during the rest of the tournament. King of the arsy bastards Earl Strickland then put the

in the lead for the first time that day, which brought up the fourth game of the day and the Unbeaten Mika Immonen for Europe, however that record went east, and the

led 10-8. Ralf Souquet dragged it back to 10-9, but Jeremy Jones ended the torture by beating Marcus Chamat (nicknamed Napoleon due to his lack of stature) at quarter to three Sunday morning. Cue Art Garfunkel on speed, and Earl Strickland actually smiling instead of being the paranoid Muppet he’d been the rest of the time. A disappointing result, but some quality pool.

Well, just a set of interrelated facts about the two most famous assassinated presidents of the

USA

Son of Henry III , became the first Earl of Lancaster in 1265, after becoming the 7^th Earl of Leicester. Didn’t visit Leicester much and died in 1296.

Earl of Lancaster from 1296-1324. Became Earl on the death of his father, and was the richest man in

England

, however still borrowed from the townspeople and drove a very hard bargain. He was executed for treason against his cousin Edward II in 1324, and the town was left to pay a hefty fine (again!) for guilt by association.

Third Earl of Lancaster from 1324-1345. Had problems with his eyesight and retired to live in Leicester. In 1330 he started his “new work” (which became the Newarke), this was a fortified enclosure to the south of the town outside the original town walls, near to the castle. He established the Trinity hospital, and clergy house (both of which still exist today) and an almshouse, which housed up to 50 people. Died in 1345.

Fourth and last Earl of Lancaster, due to his usefulness to King Edward III was Made Duke of Lancaster in 1345.

Event – 1915 – Albert Einstein publishes his “General Theory of Relativity”

Event – 1988 – New York bound Pan Am flight 103 explodes over Lockerbie,

Scotland

, killing all 259 people on the plane and 11 people on the ground

Event – 1989 – Vice President Dan Quayle sends out 30,000 Xmas cards with the word beacon spelt as “beakon”

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition. 56 people signed the American Declaration of Independence. The winner of a Copy of New Order’s Everything’s gone green is a Maxine Puddlefoot, from Didcot, Oxfordshire. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows. Who played the female hijacker in the film passenger 57? The first correct answer out of the hat on Monday 22nd December wins Passenger 57 on DVD.

JOKES

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied............. "They're Carols".

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny answered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

An elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up gain, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught YOU at it, too!"

Paddy Doyle buys some new wellies, and when he gets home he notices that one has R printed on it and the other has L printed on in. He goes back to the shop to find out why. He walks up to the assistant that had sold the wellies to him and asks, “Can you tell me why one of my wellies has R on it and the other has L on it?” The shop assistant replies, “it’s to help people, as R is for right and L is for left.” That’s great exclaims Paddy, and it explains why my wife’s knickers have C and A on them.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin. What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband number 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband number 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband number 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband number 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband number 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband number 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband number 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband number 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband number 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband number 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own. "It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."

One night Jake was in a tender mood. He coaxed his wife April upstairs to bed early, turned the lights down low, and made love to her lovingly. Afterwards he held her close, stroked her hair, and ran his fingers all over her body. He said, "I love you terribly." She said, "You certainly do."

CROSSWORD

Peeved

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes people, it doesn’t include any games since Sunday, which is probably due to the fact that this is earlier than a muthafucker to hit the stands this time round. However between now and next time there are going to be a shitload of games, and the real life transfer window will have opened. This can only mean one thing, and that is that the fantasy league transfer window is fast approaching. The last week in January isn’t that far away, so get your thinking caps on now.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Chelle's Allstars	804
2nd	Tip Top Team	789
3rd	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	764
4th	Cherokee Hair Tampons	753
5th	Andy	753
6th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	737
7th	Molyneux Misfits	736
8th	Westside XI	723
9th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	721
10th	Seek'em & Destroy	720
11th	Magpie City FC	709
12th	Wednesday Wannabes	697
13th	Full Gun Lollipops	697
14th	Reigning Champions	674
15th	Nic	671
16th	Requiem For A Team	643
17th	Owen	641
18th	No use for a name	641
19th	Russian Gold	615
20th	MUP(pet)S	599
21st	The World's Smallest Violin	564
22nd	Shit or Bust	558
23rd	The Unidumpers	541
24th	Nez	525
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	439
26th	Whipping Boys	411
	Upto and Including 21st December

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Sunday 14th The planned opponents, Inter Pie and Chips, managed to bottle out of the contest yet again, and so a clean sweep of 10-0 default victories was gained. Not only that but the powers that be at powerleague managed to get the scores wrong from the previous week, and as you can see from the table below, Hit the Bar managed to get off the foot of the table on the last day of the season.

Final Scoring Chart. G-Man 27, Dancing 17, Nez 13, The Chemist 12, Ricky Organ 11, Turkish 4, Hopalong 2, Owen 1, Declan 1, Wazza Boy 1

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
HILTI FC	14	10	3	1	141	80	0	31
BANUS FC	14	9	4	1	156	97	0	28
EDGELEY WRECKHEADS	14	8	5	1	139	136	0	25
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	14	6	5	3	102	107	0	21
ASHTON ATHLETIC	14	6	7	1	109	112	0	19
INTER PIE & CHIPS	14	5	7	2	85	116	0	17
HIT THE BAR	14	4	10	0	101	122	0	12
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	14	3	10	1	95	158	0	10

The new season followed on from the old at a pace rarely seen out on the pitch, as everyone managed to get started for the 17^th December. However after the initial game (which was bizarrely against the previously chicken shit Inter Pie and Chips, there is a three week break before the next game.

Wednesday 17^th It's not often that late December heralds the arrival of a new football season, but this was the case as Hit The Bar lined up against the unknown quantity that was Inter Pie and Chips. Aiming to improve upon last season's seventh place (ok, second bottom), the team were keen to get off to a good start. As the match got underway, it appeared the opposition and the referee had been issued with a new set of rules which stated that all tackles should lead with the elbow, a follow-through was essential and the ball immaterial. With a squad of just five, Hit The Bar started strongly but tired quickly and did well to maintain a one-goal advantage for large periods of the match, especially as the team had accidentally agreed to the opponents continually swapping keeper. As the final whistle approached, with Hit The Bar one to the good, two things happened: the referee dug out his old rule book and began to award free-kicks, and Hit The Bar displayed their new-found gritty determination to cling on to a well-earned 8-7 victory.

Squirrel - things started ominously as an early ball trickled through his legs at 1mph, however he soon rediscovered his recent form and made valuable saves throughout the match to keep the team in the game - 7

The Chemist - slightly lacking match fitness, he mostly played a valuable holding role at the back and made some important interceptions. Scored a good goal but the rest of his shooting was often wayward and he was sometimes guilty of not playing the easy ball, although to be fair the options were often limited - 6

Nez - still a few lingering temperament issues as he understandably berated the ref for ignoring every highly illegal tackle. Despite this, he played well - scoring some excellent goals from distance, chasing down the opposition and encouraging communication within the team. Scored the winner, which helped earn him SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

G-Man* - threw himself around the pitch with the aid of outstretched legs and timely shoves from the opponents. Displayed terrier-like aggression and was not deterred by the fouling bastards dirty tricks. Unusually only scored the one but played some good one-twos and set up a large number of the goals - 7

Dancing - was on the receiving end of a couple of punch-tackles (not a new type of tackle, but literally being tackled and punched at the same time) and was dismayed by the poor standard of reffing. Got in good positions to score and tucked a couple of them away. Was guilty being caught in possession too often though. - 7

* apologies from this reviewer who mistakenly implied in a previous report that G-Man had awarded himself the Star Man rating when this was not actually the case. Such an act would surely require an extraordinary amount of cockiness and arrogance. That reminds me, where was Ricky Organ this week?

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
ASHTON ATHLETIC	1	1	0	0	19	6	0	3
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	1	1	0	0	11	5	0	3
HIT THE BAR	1	1	0	0	8	7	0	3
EDGELEY WRECKHEADS	1	0	0	1	0	0	0	1
RIDGE ROVERS	1	0	0	1	0	0	0	1
INTER PIE & CHIPS	1	0	1	0	7	8	0	0
EXPOTEL	1	0	1	0	5	11	0	0
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	1	0	1	0	6	19	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Not exactly living up to his name at the moment. Imperative he brings along those trapping boots. Soon realise his fate.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies have gone out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. Dancing, Seeks, H, Morning, Blondie, Vic & Ricky Organ.

Newcastle United
Founded						1881
Turned Professional						1889
Admitted to the League						1893
Previous Names						Stanley, Newcastle East End
Nickname (s)						The Magpies
Ground						St. James’ Park
Capacity						52,193
Previous Grounds						South Byker, Chillingham Road Heaton.
Seasons in Each Division
1						74
2						26
3						0
4						0
Trophies
League Champions						1904-05, 1906-07, 1908-09, 1926-27
Division 2 (new Division 1)						1964-65, 1992-93
FA Cup						1910, 1924, 1932, 1951, 1952, 1955
Charity Shield						1909
Texaco Trophy						1974, 1975
European Fairs Cup (UEFA)						1969
Anglo Italian Cup						1973
Synopsis – Founding						Formed in 1881as Stanley, but changed their name to Newcastle East End to avoid confusion with other local clubs. Then merged with Rosewood, and following the demise of Newcastle West End they were invited to merge with Newcastle Rangers, and moved to St James’ Park and became Newcastle United in 1892
Synopsis - Major Events						Elected into the league in 1893, they quickly became a major club, and have spent the majority of their life in the top flight. Although being close on many occasions the big prize of the league has eluded them since the 1920’s, and a bad spell in the late 1980’s saw them escape relegation to division 3 only by a last minute deliberate own goal from Leicester’s Steve Walsh
Synopsis - Recent times						Under Kevin Keegan, the club’s fortunes have seen a great revival over the last ten years. Promotion to the premiership after the first season saw them become one of the major forces. Twice runners up, they have also been runners up in the FA cup twice in recent years as well, and there has been a glut of European football.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						Have such a fanatical following in the northeast that their nickname “magpies” has been banned as being used as a password by the DSS as it is such an obvious choice, with over 100,000 workers in the Tyneside area.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
388	120		39		35			381		185		58		55		81		234		282		628
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
-		3^rd		6^th			2^nd		2^nd		13^th		13^th		11^th		11^th		4^th		3^rd