Surerandomality

The hardest thing to do is to disguise your feelings when sending a large crowd of visiting relatives home.

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Land’s End, Join the A30 at Trevescan, Continue on the A30 past Penzance, Join the M5 at junction 31 south of Exeter. Join the M6 at West Bromwich towards Stafford and Stoke on Trent. Leave the M6 at junction 44 Carlisle North and join the A74. Join the A74(M) at junction 22 near Gretna. The A74(M) becomes the M74 at junction 13 near Abington. Continue on the M74 until junction 4, and join the M73 north. At junction 3 of the M73, join the A80 east towards Cumbernauld and Falkirk. Leave the A80 at junction 4, and join the M80 north. Leave the M80 and join the M9 towards Perth. At junction 11 leave the M9 and join the A9 and continue north. Turn onto the A99 at Latheron, continue past Wick, Keiss and the Stacks of Duncanby until you reach John O’Groats.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

THIS FORTNIGHT IN THE NEWS

Nit picker Maurice Roberts, 50, has set up a spotter’s club in Newport, South Wales, to identify which TV sitcoms and dramas use the same wallpaper. - And one of the first members was Mogadon Man.

An irate woman arguing with her husband hurled all his possessions out of their second floor window, including his dog. As the 35 year old, named only as Walter L, left their Vienna flat, his wife Amra threw his clothes into the street. He then heard her shout, “you forgot something” and saw his beloved pet hurtling towards the ground. Despite hitting concrete, the dog survived with a broken leg and was treated by a vet. - I bet he wishes his wife had thrown herself out the window instead.

It is as unlikely as sending coals to Newcastle, but a British company has secured a deal to export sand to Arabs. Seawing international has been asked by the racing mad rulers of Dubai to supply 3,000 tons of coarse sand to build equestrian centres and training tracks for horses. More than 100 containers, each filled with 26 tons, will be shipped out by the Felixstowe firm. Boss Carl Day said, “you would have thought they had enough of there own.” - What have I told you about thinking?

A burglar who downed half a bottle of whisky got so drunk he climbed into bed naked with his victims. The thief, 28, drank the scotch then stripped and clambered into a couple’s double bed and fell asleep. The police were called and they arrived to find him still out cold. - I’ve known some tits in my time, but none as stupid as this one.

An honest, but forgetful motorist has finally paid a 60p parking fine – 38 years late. Gary peacock was given a ticket in March 1965 outside a clock factory in Athens,

Georgia

. The 63 year old, who now lives in Tempe, Arizona, found it in a box of old photos. He said, “Many people might say screw it, it’s only a dollar and they’ll never find me, but I decided to send it after all this time because I used to be a boy scout.” - You ain’t exactly from this planet, are you?

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Best wishes to Becky, who is still recovering in hospital in Malaga, and may be out in the very near future.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality Welcome to 2004. The party season is now officially over, there are just a couple of things that need to be said, although it is a good period for going out, it isn’t so good for my health or bank balance. Not only that but all the extra days off just make me lazy, and it’s been a struggle to write anything this time round. Not only has the additional nights out taken it’s toll on spare time, but the purchase of the new Tiger Woods game has seriously reduced any time to do anything. I’m a busy little bastard at work, and it’s got round to being a last minute rush again. Anyway there is an issue, and there are the 2003 awards to look out for, plus another new section from Schott’s Miscellany. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Wednesday 24^th December (Christmas Eve) – The Chemist made his way home for Christmas, which left Squirrel to his own devices and after getting out of work early he made good use of his time by heading to Fallowfield early, and got a few in the Great Central, before heading over to the friendship, where he later met up with Kate and Kev, and consumed large amounts of alcohol, before managing to get home some how.

Thursday 25^th December (Christmas Day) – A quiet day all round, with recovery time and lots of random film watching, and playing with decks.

Friday 26^th December (Boxing Day) – More of the same except replace films with sport.

Saturday 27^th December – Hopalong sneaked back to Manchester, and hid out at Gemma’s. Squirrel managed to leave the house, first there was the sales, and then there was drinking, and the destination was Fallowfield for a change. First stop The Friendship for a couple, before heading to XS, where there was lots more alcohol, some dancing, before a kebab and the beer scooter home.

Sunday 28^th December – Early AM and guess who wakes in the chair in the Chez Didsbury lounge? If you said Princess Leia you need your head looking at, however if you said Chewbacca then you were a lot closer. With more football than you could shake a stick at, what did the Chemist find when he got back mid afternoon? Loud music and Tiger Woods.

Monday 29th December – Doh, back to work. Ricky Organ arrived back, and Hopalong dragged himself back to Chez Didsbury. Drinking started early in the evening, and within a couple there was big talk of going out. Squirrel, Hopalong and Ricky Organ were definitely up for it, but the Chemist wasn’t convinced, and despite cajoling, begging, violence and threats, held firm, and left the trio to head into town. Brannigan’s was the somewhat random destination, where cheap drinks led to ordering taxis for the Chemist. They hit the dance floor, where Ricky Organ managed to attract a munchkin, that he brushed off. On closing time they went to get Hopalong’s coat, but found it impossible due to the fact that someone had collapsed on the stairs and everyone was waiting for the ambulance. In the meantime Hopalong decided he was going to abuse the biggest honey monsters he could find, but found that they had lots of friends and so ended up having to talk to them. On leaving Brannigan’s they looked for somewhere else to go, and Fantasy Bar was decided on. They got another taxi number and ordered another taxi for the Chemist. The fantasy bar was closed, so they headed to Teasers, and got turned away. The bouncers suggested that Long Legs might be open. They flagged a taxi, only to be told that Long Legs shut at 11 as well, despite this they made the driver go past it. Home was then the venue, however Fallowfield kebab shops called, and kebabs were bought, and Hopalong abused the server. Then another flagged taxi, where Hopalong abused the taxi driver, and as the trio exited at home, they were advised that they would be remembered. Once back at Chez Didsbury they banged the music on loud, and Ricky Organ tried to get the Chemist out of bed by prodding him with a golf club, and eventually succeeded.

Tuesday 30th December – Who’s bright idea was it to go out on a Monday? Squirrel, Hopalong and The Chemist all suffered all day at work, while Ricky Organ did fuck all at home all day, which would explain why he was so keen to go out the night before.

Wednesday 31st December (New Year’s Eve) – Tiger Tiger was the suggested location, and Ricky Organ, Hopalong, the Chemist, Jayne, Dancing and Dec were amongst those who got tickets and went. Squirrel meanwhile refused to pay £25 for a ticket, and went to Fallowfield instead, and started off in the Great Central, before heading to XS. Tiger Tiger was getting messy quickly, with Jayne feeling worse for wear before Midnight, and had to be taken home just after by Ricky Organ. Even worse off was Dec, who was doing a good impression of the exorcist and projectile vomiting everywhere, to such an extent that even the bouncers wouldn’t go near him to throw him out, and he had to coaxed out by Dancing. Not much after one Hopalong and The Chemist left and got a taxi back, and tried to get hold of Squirrel, but without success. This would have been due to the fact that he was busy dancing and chatting up women, with mixed results. The first attempt was going well, until some older Irish women had a word and scared her off. This led Squirrel to their niece, who come closing time he was getting off with, but the five minutes it took him to get his coat and say his goodbyes to the regulars, meant he got back to see her leaving with someone else. A bus followed, then Kansas fried chicken to arrive back at Chez Didsbury and join Hopalong and The Chemist in drinking pints of vodka and red bull.

Thursday 1^st January (New Year’s Day)– Recovery, somewhat unsurprisingly. Hopalong went to Gemma’s and for some bizarre reason everyone else watched Legally blonde

Friday 2^nd January – Doh, work again, except for Ricky Organ, Hopalong went round to Gemma’s in the evening, and Jayne came round. Tiger Woods and late nights followed.

Saturday 3^rd January – Lots of sport on TV, Hopalong went round to Gemma’s in the evening, Squirrel headed to Fallowfield, with a quick stop in the Great central, before quite a few in The Friendship, where he bumped into Kat, Nat, Emily and Esther. Meanwhile Ricky Organ and The Chemist headed into Didsbury, for a cultured evening in The Pitcher and Piano, and the Slug and Lettuce. Meanwhile Squirrel was back in XS, consuming the normal mix of alcohol, and doing the normal amount of dancing, before the obligatory trip to Abdul’s and a taxi back to Chez Didsbury, where Ricky Organ was still up watching the American Football.

Sunday 4^th January – Half seven and Squirrel goes to bed, eventually gets up for some of the football, and the overall level of movement in the house was minimal, Jayne was round for a bit, and the night was polished off by the spectacular darts final.

Monday 5^th January– No Monday night football, meant shit TV and no movement. Ricky Organ went out for a drink with Melvin.

Tuesday 6^th January – Hopalong went round to Gemma’s, and Jayne was round for a bit, leaving Squirrel and The Chemist watching football.

Wednesday 7^th January – G Man eventually returned from his trip to the states and the Caribbean, retrieved his belongings from the Moat house and stayed over at Amanda’s. Hopalong was absent presumed at Gemma’s again. Squirrel, The Chemist and Ricky Organ watched football.

Thursday 8^th January – Hopalong was lounged on the sofa suffering from going out the night before. G Man was looking forward to a quiet night recovering from his jet lag after a torturous first day back at work, but that illusion was shattered when Amanda rang and summoned him round to hers. The Chemist, who had joined the gym the day before, actually went to the gym. Ricky Organ was working late.

2003 SPECIAL AWARD ZONE

Below you will find the 2003 Surerandomality awards. Under no circumstances will I waste my time explaining the reasoning behind any of these awards. If you don’t know what they’ve been awarded for then you’ve not been paying attention over the last year, so basically, unlucky.

The “Tone Deaf” Karaoke anthem of the year – Jungle Brothers – Because I got it like that

The “Dancing Bear” dance anthem of the year – The Prodigy – Out of Space

The “Sunken Battleship” award for most alcohol (total volume) consumed – Hopalong

The “Armitage Shanks” award for mistaking a girlfriend as a toilet (1) Pissing - Seeks

The “Armitage Shanks” award for mistaking a girlfriend as a toilet (2) Puking - Hopalong

The “Good Charlotte lifestyles of the rich and famous” award for most countries visited – Ricky Organ

The “Dennis Norden, It’ll be alright on the night” award for least successful date - Squirrel

The “It’s good to talk” best comedy misdial / text at 3am award – G Man & Hopalong

The “Fuck off Santa” award for most embarrassing moment at a work do – G Man

The “I know a shortcut” most torturous route home from Bolton award – The Chemist

The “David Bailey” where’s my camera missed photo opportunity award – Anyone, on the Names have been changed to protect the innocent night.

The “Ernie, Fastest Milkman in the west” award for outstanding timekeeping (1) Accidental – Hopalong

The “Ernie, Fastest Milkman in the west” award for outstanding timekeeping (2) Purposely – Ricky Organ

The “Dog ate my homework” award for most original excuse for being off work – G Man for A Cricked Neck

The “Star Spangled Banner” award – Shared by Ricky Organ and Nick “Art Garfunkel” Varner

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

The Chemist (50 minutes into the film) – I’ve just worked out why it’s called Legally Blonde.

It’s chucking out time at Brannigans, and there is a crowd at the top of the stairs preventing access to the cloakrooms and toilets.

Hopalong’s reply – Friggin’ hell – how long’s he there for – do we know yet?

Hopalong – OH, I though he meant back Wednesday (for the second division title).

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 9^th January – Thursday 22^nd January – In possibly some of the most unplanned, unfocused weeks in living memory, the only known activities are a couple of 5 a side games, and that’s always assuming the opposition can be arsed to turn up. Elsewhere the post festive season lack of money kicks in, and I can see very little activity. Sorry, but my crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear for this fortnight and that’s all I can come up with.

READER’S LETTERS

The new year has started off the same way as the last one finished, with bone idle staff, too many letters who shouldn’t be given access to pens paper of e-mail, and more shit to deal with than the Scarisbrick toilet after a Rusholme night. I’m getting to old and tired to stand on ceremony, so let’s start the show.

First up is a Mike Westwood, from Birmingham, who complains, "Why did you publish a letter complaining about a letter complaining, complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, people now days will complain about anything, and it has to stop." At least you’re leading by example.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Jose Cueurvas from Tijuana,

Mexico

, who has this little contribution to add, “Es una dos camioneta de tonelada Tyrone que jode. ¿Su no como si su una bolsa de joder manís ahora son? Usted es siempre gonna tiene los problemas que levantan un cuerpo en un pedazo. Aparentemente la mejor cosa para hacer es cortado en pedazos un cadáver en seis pedazos y lo amontona todo juntos. ¿Usted ain' T de este planeta es usted, Vincent? ¿Quién es jarra de gonna dos fellas negro, teniendo pistolas, sentado en un coche que vale menos que su camisa? lo que lo deberá parar soplando su bollocks lejos cada vez usted se sienta? La manera de la Cima del ladrillo de hacer el negocio está con un fusil de aturdimiento, una bolsa plástica, un rollo de cinta, y de un paquete de puercos hambrientos.“ Did you understand a single word of what she just said? No? Well you’re not exactly Mr Current Affairs then are you?

Once again a mix up in the postal services has meant that we have received a letter to Santa, and I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get it in print here.

“Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26^th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, and electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football kit. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one n my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame whistle, and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year, to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn’t fucked me enough, you give that little quaff across the street so many toys that he can’t even walk into his house. Don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I’ll fuck you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the fucking north pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be you FAT COCKSUCKER. Sincerely, Little Johnny.” I take it he wasn’t a happy little camper then.

A Britney Groves, from Milwaukee confesses, “My best friend went on a trip to

Egypt

about 3 weeks ago. Two days after he left, I "borrowed" his dirt bike. Two days after that, it got stolen from my backyard while I was home. My best friend returns from

Egypt

in about a week.” Which gives you a week to get a decent excuse together. I’ve heard that the cricked neck excuse is a winner.

Meanwhile a C Ashcade, from South East London, whines, “They say that if you play country music backwards, your wife comes back to you, and you get your house and dog back. Now here’s the problem, I never had a dog. He’s black with white paws. Anyone know who he belongs to?” A couple of things, what the fuck are you doing listening to country and western anyway, and if it’s playing backwards it might suggest there’s something wrong with your equipment.

And coming straight to you from a psych ward is Andrew Roberts from Manchester who for some reason asks, “Can anyone tell me why Cribbage is not in the Olympics?” Mainly because no one under the age of 70 knows how to play or even cares, now fuck off.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He awoke to find that the controllers were serving food. He had no idea of what time it really was, or where in the world he was. He started to take off his sunglasses, wondering why he had them on in the first place, only to quickly replace them back over his eyes. The sleep had made him forget just how bright it was on the plane. His mouth had that dry, stale taste that always seemed to follow sleep, and he would be glad of any drink that came with the food.

When a controller brought his food to him, he looked at it in a state of amazement. This was no ordinary airline meal, but he remembered, this was no ordinary flight. The first thing no noticed was the tray. No miniscule plastic effort, it was a full sized metal tray, with large handles, like the kind of tray you saw in movies when kids struggled to bring breakfast in bed to their mothers on mother’s day. Not only that, but it was the perfect fit across the arms of his seat, and when he put it down he felt a slight pull on it, as some magnetic force held it firmly in place.

What was on the tray was even more amazing. To the left sat a large plate, with what looked to be a large well done T-bone steak, thick fries, and onion rings, and fresh from whatever they had been cooked in, as he could see the steam rising from the food. Alongside were a number of sachets of various condiments, all of which would compliment the meal. On the right side of the tray sat a plate with a large piece of apple pie, and again, steam was rising from it, and next to it sat a jug of custard, with a lid on it. Then in the corner sat a twenty ounce bottle of Pepsi. He doubted whether he could have come up with a better selection if he had taken the time to choose what he wanted before hand.

A brief look around told him that people had different meals, and therefore told him that each passenger had been catered for separately. It was probably based on information that had been extracted from them some five years before, or even from being observed over time by unseen watchers. The strange thing was that he wasn’t surprised by that. It was just another part of the awesome planning that had gone into this exercise.

His mind came back to the present and he started on the food and drink, which was just as good as it looked. In what seemed like just a couple of minutes he finished off the meal and sat back sipping from his bottle of Pepsi. He noticed a couple of controllers, sat on fold down chairs, eating what seemed to be regulation airplane food, off grey plastic trays, and he managed to suppress a laugh. It made him feel strangely good, that even though they were in charge, they weren’t being treated as well as the passengers.

He sat there not really doing anything, just letting himself relax. Time slipped by, and what seemed quite soon, the controllers were coming round and collecting up the mainly empty trays. He kept the bottle of Pepsi, as there was still some in it, and there was no telling when there would be anything else to drink.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

Although it is normally seen as a boring pub sport, the World Dart’s Championship (PDC version – the one with the good players) final was three hours of top class entertainment. Phil “The Power” Taylor was the odds on favourite against the number 10 seed Kevin “The Artist” Painter, though Painter was one of only two players to beat Taylor in a ranking event in the last 5 years. The first two sets were tight, but both went to Painter, who won against the throw in the last leg of the second to wrap it up. Taylor came back to make it 2-1,before losing his throw to lose the fourth set. Despite chances to take the set against the throw Taylor lost the 5^th set as well and found himself in the same position as the year before 4-1 down. He took the next two sets in quick time, but again faltered with chances in the 8^th set and found himself 5-3 down. Taylor then showed where his The Power nickname originates, with some awesome darts to surge into a 6-5 lead, and with the throw in the 12^th set, it looked like this was the end for Painter. But no, what’s this? Painter stormed through the set, to set up the final set in a 6-6 game. Both players slugged it out and with the win by two clear legs rule in effect in the final set, neither player could make the breakthrough against their opponents throw, and it went to 5 a piece, and the sudden death final leg. First up, was nearest to the bull for who would throw first. Both players hit the outer bull, and so they had to throw again. Painter then let the pressure get to him and threw a loose dart and was no where near the bull, and Taylor made no mistake in securing the throw. Taylor held his nerve and nailed the double 5 to win his 11^th world title, but on the whole could consider himself a lucky man, as he was outplayed for most of the game.

The human eye has more than two million working parts and blinks some 4.2 million times per year

Started in 1068, all of the original Castle buildings have disappeared or been replaced over time, the only part that remains is the Castle Motte, which is accessible from the Castle Gardens. It stands at just about 40 feet high, but when started it would have been several feet higher, and would have had a timber fort stood upon the top of it. Next to the motte would have stood the castle bailey (or enclosure) which would have consisted of a number of buildings surrounded by a ditch and a timber fence on top of a bank.

Over the years the defences were rebuilt and the timber fences were replaced by a stone wall. In the bailey as well as the general buildings, a great hall was built from around 1070, and in 1107 the church of St. Mary de Castro was built. Along the walls around the Castle were built two gateways, both of which survive today.

The Castle itself fell into disrepair and was eventually demolished at some stage during the middle ages.

Built in the 15^th century this gateway was badly damaged by fire in 1445/6. The timber work in the current gateway, and the adjoining Castle house, that can be seen today, date from the renovation work required after the fire.

Originally the rooms above the gateway continued across and were joined to St. Mary de Castro’s church, however this part of the building was demolished in 1848. To the other side of the Castle house stands a further building which, is now part of Castle house, and was added in the Georgian style in the 18^th century.

This gateway connected the Castle to the Newarke. It was built in 1423, and had a portcullis, the signs of which can be seen today. It is also known as Rupert’s gateway, named after Prince Rupert, who based himself in Leicester during the Civil war, however the gateway survived the civil war due to the fact that fighting during the siege of Leicester took place some 150 yards away from the gateway. The poor state of repair that can be seen today is actually due to damage caused to it in an election riot in 1832.

The Great Hall was originally built just after the Castle was started in about 1070. It was originally built with stone walls and no roof. The roof was added later onto the great oak aisle posts in about 1150. The roof was later replaced in the early 16^th century, but the original post survive, and must have been growing as oak trees at the time of the Danish invasion of Leicester in 877.

It is likely that on at least one of the 3 occasions that parliament met in Leicester, they met in the Great hall, most likely in 1425/26.

The Great Hall survived the demolishing of the rest of the Castle, probably because it was used at the local court. In the late 1600’s a new brick frontage was put onto the building, and is the frontage which can be seen today..

The hall itself was separated in to two separate courts, one used for criminal cases and one for civil cases., and were used as such right up until 1992, when new courts were built and ‘power’ transferred to them. Part of the reason for this is that the Great Hall itself had become too small to hold all those waiting for cases, and the narrow roads and gateways into the Castle courtyard made it more difficult for the modern vehicles necessary to get in and out.

The medieval cellar is all that is still there of the original stone kitchen / chamber at the south of the great hall. However the building that is above the cellar has long since disappeared. The cellar is named after John of Gaunt, 2^nd Duke of Lancaster, however it was built over 200 years before he came to be resident at the castle.

Holiday – It’s New year’s eve in

Italy

(not the sharpest tools in the box)

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, Liz Hurley played the female hijacker in the film passenger 57?. The winner of a Copy of the Passenger 57 on DVD. is a Martin Mandle, from Maersws, Mid Wales. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, According to 2000 figures, which European capital is the 58^th most populated city in the world with a population of just over 4 million. The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 21^st January wins

JOKES

A man is laid up in hospital, his nurse by his bedside. “hey, give me a kiss,” he asks. “No” replies the nurse, “I will certainly not.” “Go on,” pleads the man, “just one kiss.” “No” insists the nurse, “I’ve told you already, I won’t.” “Don’t be such a spoilsport,” says the man, “just give us a kiss.” “I’ve told you already, no” replies the nurse, absolutely adamant, “I shouldn’t even be wanking you off.”

A couple are driving down a country road, not saying anything to each other after an earlier “discussion” had gotten out of hand, and neither was willing to concede their position. As they pass a farmyard of pigs, the wife pipes up, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” replies the husband, “The in laws.”

A doctor of psychology id doing his normal evening rounds. He enters a patient’s room, only to find his subject sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with his hand. At once he also notices another patient in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. “What’s going on here?” enquires the doc. “Can’t you see?” huffs the patient, “I’m sawing this piece of wood in half.” “I see, “ says the doc, “and what about him up there, hanging from the ceiling?” “Oh, he’s my best friend, but he’s a little crazy,” shrugs the saw man, “thinks he’s a light bulb!” “If he’s your best friend,” questions the doc, “don’t you think you should tell him to get down from up there before he hurts himself?” The man stops sawing, “What, and work in the dark?”

A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, "GO REDSKINS!"

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered. "No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on Earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

A man walked up to an attractive girl on a busy street and said, “Excuse me, I seem to have lost my wife, do you mind if I talk to you for a while?” “How’s that going to help?” asked the girl. “Well,” replied the man, “every time I start chatting to some good looking woman, my wife seems to turn up.”

The new primary school teacher was on playground duty one morning when she spotted one of her class making faces at a little girl. “Now Johnny,” she told him gently, “when I was your age I was told that if I made an ugly face it would freeze and I would stay like that forever.” “Well miss, “ replied Johnny, “you can’t say you weren’t warned!”

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

CROSSWORD

Annoyed

FANTASY FOOTBALL

How many points have been scored over the last couple of weeks? Fucking shitloads. There have even been quite a few position changes. I’ve been a busy little bastard and have managed to include all the midweek games in as well. Advance warning that the transfer window is coming and it will be upon us the day after the next issue hits the stands, so sort your thoughts out as you only have one week to get them sorted ready for the last games in January.

Yet again, the question about last year’s fantasy league being rigged has surfaced, with the third placed team claiming he was conspired against and that last year’s winner was given extra points to ensure that the Cherokee Hair Tampons couldn’t win. Let me state for once and for all that this was not the case, and if anyone would like to go through all the details for last year then they can have all the details and quite happily sort through them to check. Furthermore, the allegations were made by someone who wasn’t even in last year’s competition, and who despite being a temporary resident of Chez Didsbury at the end of last season at the time of the alleged irregularities, proceeded to enter a team for this year’s competition.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Chelle's Allstars	906
2nd	Tip Top Team	899
3rd	Cherokee Hair Tampons	888
4th	Molyneux Misfits	871
5th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	847
6th	Seek'em & Destroy	836
7th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	831
8th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	826
9th	Magpie City FC	819
10th	Wednesday Wannabes	803
11th	Westside XI	794
12th	Andy	792
13th	Full Gun Lollipops	765
14th	Nic	757
15th	Reigning Champions	739
16th	No use for a name	737
17th	Owen	721
18th	Requiem For A Team	715
19th	MUP(pet)S	711
20th	Russian Gold	709
21st	The World's Smallest Violin	693
22nd	Shit or Bust	650
23rd	Nez	630
24th	The Unidumpers	580
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	509
26th	Whipping Boys	444
	Upto and Including 7th January

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Ashton Athletic tried to wriggle out of action with an early Monday call, trying to get the game rearranged to 7pm on the Tuesday, a day and an hour early. But Hit the Bar weren’t buying that, especially with both Squirrel and G Man unavailable for this rearranged tie. As the 48 hour rule has been changed, as it stands at the moment it’s not sure how things stand with regards to the result of the game, and whether it will have to be played or not. The table suggests that the Powerleague has left the fixture open to be rearranged.

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	2	2	0	0	21	5	0	6
RIDGE ROVERS	2	1	0	1	10	0	0	4
HIT THE BAR	1	1	0	0	19	6	0	3
ASHTON ATHLETIC	1	1	0	0	8	7	0	3
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	2	1	1	0	17	26	0	3
EDGELEY WRECKHEADS	2	0	1	1	0	10	0	1
EXPOTEL	2	0	2	0	12	22	0	0
INTER PIE & CHIPS	2	0	2	0	7	18	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Climbs in the pecking order for his A5 victory last weekend. Lurks with intent. Thereabouts at the final bend he’ll take some stopping.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. H, Seeks, Blondie & Ricky Organ.

Liverpool
Founded						1892
Turned Professional						1892
Admitted to the League						1893
Previous Names						-
Nickname (s)						Reds , Pool
Ground						Anfield
Capacity						45,362
Previous Grounds						-
Seasons in Each Division
1						89
2						11
3						0
4						0
Trophies
League Champions						1900-01, 1905-06, 1921-22, 1922-23, 1946-47, 1963-64, 1965-66, 1972-73, 1975-76, 1976-77, 1978-79, 1979-80, 1981-82, 1982-83, 1983-84, 1985-86, 1987-88, 1989-90
Division 2 (new Division 1)						1893-94, 1895-96, 1904-05, 1961-62
FA Cup						1965, 1974, 1986, 1989, 1992, 2001
League Cup						1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1995, 2001, 2003
Charity Shield						1966, 1974, 1976, 1979, 1980, 1982, 1988, 1989, 2001, and shared in 1964, 1965, 1977, 1986, and 1990
League Super Cup						1986
European Cup						1977, 1978, 1981, 1984
European Fairs Cup (UEFA)						1973, 1976, 2001
European Super Cup						1977, 2001
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in 1892, by John Houlding, the Landlord of Anfield, after a dispute with the then tenants Everton, who left for pastures new. Liverpool FC was founded to play at Anfield, and have been there ever since
Synopsis - Major Events						Elected into the league in 1893, they quickly became a major club, and have spent the majority of their life in the top flight. The first ten years they were a bit of a yo-yo club, but apart from that there is only an 8 year spell in the fifties where they haven’t been in the top flight, and from the mid seventies they went through a fifteen year spell that made them the most successful club in English football, and during that time, in European football as well
Synopsis - Recent times						Since 1990 they have failed to win the league, and that is seen as failure by the Liverpool faithful. They have had a great deal of success in cup competitions, and won five trophies in 2001.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						Went unbeaten in the 1895-96 season when winning the second division. They have won the League Championship a record 18 times. They have won the league cup (in its various guises) a record 7 times. They have qualified for European football more times (31) than any other English club.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	130		51		34			413		183		77		59		79		291		266		731
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
6^th		8^th		4^th			3^rd		4^th		3^rd		7^th		4^th		3^rd		2^nd		5th