Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

Cops are hunting a smartly dressed woman in her 40’s who stands on the pavement and flashes her boobs at drivers in Pontardawe, South Wales. - They’re not the only ones.

Fast food giant KFC risks offending thousands of vegetarian Buddhists with its plan to open an outlet on the “roof of the world”. The fried chicken seller even insists the restaurant will be welcomed by Tibetans. “Experience has shown that when we get into cities, people are so excited KFC has finally arrived we attract crowds,” a spokesman said. - Especially in the Deep South.

A driver watched his car explode after attempting to warm it up by lighting a fire under the engine. Zlatko Grden lit some old newspapers after the Opel Kadett failed to start in freezing temperatures outside his home in Donja Stubica, near the capital Zagreb. The 52 year old said, “I realized that the engine was frozen so I decided to warm it up a little. Maybe I used too much paper.” Mr. Grden, who had owned the vehicle for 20 years, said, “My lovely car is now destroyed”. - I’ve known some tits in my time, but none quite as stupid as this one.

A couple caused a furor by naming their by naming their baby Jesus Christ. The boy was registered as Jesus Christ Vladimrovich last year. The justice ministry said, “The parents have not expressed their wish to change the name.” Under Ukrainian law, parents can call a child by any name they want. - It could have been worse, they could have called him Jesus Wept.

More than 7,000 gamblers will spend a day watching insects scuttle in the dust. Brisbane is hosting the 23^rd annual cockroach races on

Australia

day next week. “It’s a short term success and glory”, said an organizer. “The cockroaches meet varied ends. One year a steward threw a handful into the crowd, another time a punter was talked into eating one.” - Don’t worry, Sky have picked up the rights, and it’s going to be on channel 431, straight after the virtual horse racing.

A train driver has had to go on indefinite sick leave after running over a garden gnome. The figurine was apparently placed on rail tracks in Tauranga, North Island, New Zealand, as a prank. But when the driver’s train hit it, he believed he had killed someone and called the police. Train operator Tranz Rail had to send relief staff to take over from the seriously traumatized driver. A small pair of boots was found on the line, but the penny dropped when they turned out to be made of pottery. Other pieces of the shattered gnome were found nearby. - So now you all know how to get rid of all those ugly gnomes your neighbor has.

A Thief escaped the clutches of the law by faking a heart attack. The 40 year old was taken to hospital after apparently collapsing in custody. But when police freed him from handcuffs so he could have a scan, he bolted half naked through an emergency exit, and was missing last night. "He started complaining of chest pains and said he was having a heart attack", said police in Düsseldorf, Germany. "He gave a convincing performance and you can't be too careful in these situations." - Sneaky fucking Kraut. You're not going to find a thief that doesn't want to be found, he could be halfway to Kampuchea by now.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Blonde of the fortnight was won by a random bloke in Fog Lane Post Office (see Quotes).

Advance warning of the next Surerandomality venture out. This time it’s not a Friday night, this time it’s a Saturday all dayer on February 28^th doing the infamous Didsbury Dozen.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality The Brighton Line. In what should be the quiet post holiday period, things have been manic, it has got messy, people have been busy little bastards, well with the exception of the rest of the staff round here. Now, here’s a shock for you, there are more sections this time around, in fact not only more sections, but another part added as well. I know you weren’t expecting that, as you are already getting outstanding value for money, and yet once again I have managed to expand the publication, and keep it at the same low price. You will however notice that the quality of the paper used has deteriorated, but rest assured this is something I will be talking to the printers about. Yes people, it’s the opportunity you’ve all been waiting for, it’s the next Surerandomality venture out. This time it’s not a Friday night, this time it’s a Saturday all dayer on February 28^th doing the infamous Didsbury Dozen. Trust me, the amount of times this has been mentioned and not done is unreal, but finally it’s on. Starting at midday at The Didsbury, and moving on through at least eleven other pubs, the next Surerandomality event is not for the faint hearted. As usual there will be crash space available, book able in advance through the usual channels, so clear out your diaries and get to Manchester. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

EDITORIAL RANT

Freedom of speech, that’s a muthafucking bullshit, you write the wrong thing, they edit it out quick. Yet again the powers that be have edited out perfectly good copy from the latest edition of Surerandomality. Unfortunately this isn’t the first time that this has happened, as at the latest count this is the fifth time that the content has been edited to protect the public interest. Surely the public would be more interested if they could read what actually happened instead of a sterile edited adaptation of the real events. The campaign for the freedom of the press to be reality instead of something that is just paid lip service starts here. I call upon every reader to start a petition to ensure the liberty of the press.

THE DIARY

Friday 9^th January – A quiet night in was the forecast, however it has to be said that I fail to recognise the correlation between a quiet night in and what actually happened. First of all though, Squirrel, Karen, Blondie and Garden went to the Hogshead at lunch for a few drinks for Karen’s birthday. Then in the evening, with all the Chez Didsbury residents in residence for the first time in a long time, the baby raiding started early. In addition to the residents Gemma was also there. After much discussion taxis were booked, but in line with previous form The Chemist was refusing to leave the house. Therefore it left Squirrel, G Man, Ricky Organ, Hopalong and Gemma to head to 5^th Ave. (I know, I could hardly believe it myself, a totally new venue) after quite a few, Squirrel was the first the hit the dance floor (and for a change not literally). Everyone else soon followed. Hopalong got into a bit of an exchange with a random on the dance floor, and turned to G Man and said what a tosser the guy was. This prompted G Man to punch the random and knock his glasses off. Squirrel was torn between keeping an eye on this and the woman he’d been talking to. Eventually he went and dragged G Man to the bar to but drinks. After things had calmed down everyone went back to dancing, and Squirrel went back to chatting the woman up, this was going well until her mate ran in and dragged her out saying their lift was there, a typical kind of guard dog move. Not long after the famous five left (I’m surprised they got in, with them all being under age, and the fact that Timmy’s a dog), then Squirrel, G Man, Ricky Organ, Hopalong and Gemma left and got a taxi to Fallowfield for the customary kebab, and then another taxi back to Chez Didsbury, where for the first time in quite a while Snatch got an airing, while at the same time the baby raiding started again, and the mainlining of spirits started. Elsewhere it wasn’t such a good night for Hew, who got pistol whipped and robbed in Fallowfield after an argument with the occupants of a passing car. Back at Chez Didsbury, the alcohol was beginning to take serious effect and Ricky Organ was passed out on the kiddies chair in the corner, Hopalong went to bed, and after Snatch, some loud volume Beastie Boys videos was a tip top idea to round off a textbook night.

Saturday 10^th January – What is all that fucking noise? It’s a muthafucking ridiculous. Sleep. Noon saw Hopalong, Ricky Organ and The Chemist in the Parrswood, they were joined mid afternoon by Squirrel and G Man. Not long after Ricky Organ left to go and meet Jayne, and The Chemist left to go to the gym. Before you all die of shock it has to be pointed out that he didn’t actually end up going as the car park was full. G Man then left to go round to Amanda’s. This left Squirrel and Hopalong having a few beers, watching football, playing pool and darts. Gemma arrived just after 6, and then left with Hopalong before 8. Squirrel, still suffering from that last three quarters of a bottle of tequila from the night before decided solo drinking in the Parrswood wasn’t the way forward, and headed back to Chez Didsbury. A night of NFL playoff followed for Squirrel and The Chemist, with Ricky Organ and Jayne in his room, and Hopalong and Gemma coming back later on, and hiding out in his room. Elsewhere, after a night out, Blondie managed to slip over whilst showing off, landing on her arse and banging her head and getting a nice egg shaped swelling. Quite possibly the only time ever that Blondie could be referred to as an egg head.

Sunday 11^th January – Gemma and Hopalong were back in the Parrswood soon after opening time. The Chemist actually made it to the gym. G Man arrived back at Chez Didsbury, and picked up Squirrel and Ricky Organ and went to see United. After the match G Man went round to Amanda’s, and Ricky Organ, The Chemist and Squirrel watched the quintessential Sunday night film in Irreversible and more NFL playoff action

Monday 12th January – G Man went to Amanda’s, and Hopalong to Gemma’s, the others, for a change watched shit TV

Tuesday 13th January – See above, the only difference being that Squirrel had had the day off.

Wednesday 14th January – Hopalong was at Gemma’s yet again, as the rest of the residents headed to their late 10pm kick off in the 5 a side league, and then came back and lounged and had the Surerandomality album as the celebratory soundtrack.

Thursday 15th January – Basically see Monday and Tuesday. The only thing of note was the rare sight of Ricky Organ dragging his carcass out of bed and out of the house before 7 in the morning.

Friday 16th January – Ricky Organ worked late and went out with Jayne. Hopalong completed the set for the week and was at Gemma’s. Squirrel went straight from work to Moss O Growlie to meet Kate and Kev. Meanwhile G Man and The Chemist headed to the Woodstock to meet up with Nez, Owen, Hew and Chris. Squirrel joined them later after leaving town, and they all stayed there until kicking out time, when the route back to Chez Didsbury involved a surprising stop at a kebab shop.

Saturday 17th January – Squirrel went to work, and met up with G Man, Ricky Organ and The Chemist, who were in town shopping. A trip to Sinclair’s Oyster Bar quickly followed, and after a drink there they headed to the comfort of leather armchairs in Waxy O Connor’s. It was a dangerous period which could have led to a messy unplanned evening. However they all headed back to Chez Didsbury. G Man went straight back out to pick Amanda up and headed to the Didsbury for something to eat. Ricky Organ also went straight out to meet Jayne for something to eat, which left Squirrel, The Chemist, and Hopalong sat around watching films and DVD’s.

Sunday 18^th January – G Man and Amanda were in and out all day, and went to see the Last Samurai. Hopalong went out in the afternoon to view a flat with Gemma, and didn’t return. There was the usual watching of football. The Chemist went to Tae Kwon Do, there was a Sunday night film, and then NFL playoffs. All in all a textbook Sunday.

Monday 19^th January– In somewhat of a rarity, everyone was in Chez Didsbury at the same time, though Ricky Organ was in his room with Jayne while everyone else watched football.

Tuesday 20^th January – Ricky Organ was off on another jolly, this time though, only to London. G Man went to Amanda’s, and Hopalong went to Gemma’s after watching football.

Wednesday 21st January – Hopalong went round to Gemma’s and Ricky Organ came back from his latest jolly in time for five a side, another late night watching shit TV.

Thursday 22nd January – A fairly quiet nigh, with Hopalong round at Gemma’s, and Jayne round to see Ricky Organ, The Chemist was out with Phil, and yep rubbish TV was watched.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

The Chemist (talking about American Football) – I quite like the Cowboys, but I wouldn’t want to go to Tesco’s. (He meant Texas)

United Fans’ retort – You’ve got a team full of rapists, team full of rapists

Seeks (one can only hope sarcastically, as Karen and Garden were talking about Avon prices) – God, I wish I was a girl.

Planty (as response to a Wedding invite from Zoë) – Sorry, but I’m in Barbados then. (A rival to the cricked neck excuse!)

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 23rd January - Peace and quiet? Well that’s the plan, but as you all know there really is little hope for this

Saturday 24^th January – See above, except the spectre of a few daytime beers in Didsbury has arisen, so there are only two hopes of peace and quiet, and Bob’s dead.

Sunday 25^th – Tuesday 27^th January – Mmm Let me guess, not a lot of motion, shit TV and sport watching

Wednesday 28^th January – Hit the Bar Vs Delhulberto La Cortina, Another game against old foes, another victory here would be so sweet

Thursday 29^th January – Early rumours indicate that 5^th Ave may be calling, seeing as it’s just past payday, and there’s only one day left at work. Granted not everyone may be agreeable to this, but who cares.

Friday 30^th January – Danger Squirrel alert, you are now entering the zone where things can, and probably will get messy, take your pick from any of the usual suspect locations, if not more than one.

Saturday 31^st January – It continues, with a brief respite for shopping and hair care, the Squirrel weekend will continue, the well rehearsed shift system may well be in effect.

Sunday 1^st – Tuesday 3^rd February – Mmm Let me guess, not a lot of motion, shit TV and sport watching, oh yeah, and recovery. Though what kind of state certain people will be Monday morning after watching Superbowl Sunday night is anyone’s guess.

Thursday 5^th February – Deep breaths, calm down, the weekend is coming, you have been warned.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ(s) of the Fortnight - Hit The Bar, for their brilliant 13-8 win against long time foes Ashton Athletic

Chump(s) of the Fortnight – Hit The Bar, for their capitulation in the second half against The Team With No Name (AGAIN!!!!!)

READER’S LETTERS

Honestly people, it really isn’t that difficult. The concept of reading and writing is a fairly simple one, and after all the majority of letters are from adults, and they really should have picked up the knack by now. In fact the English used by the kids in their Santa letters published a couple of issues ago was a hell of a lot better than what most of you Muppets can manage. Shit, even the foreign correspondence makes more sense than some of you. Not only that but it is quite disturbing thinking about what you’re thinking, I mean just where do you think some of these things up. Anyway enough rambling from me, let’s start the show.

First up is a Petula Rosebud, from Barton upon Humber, who moans, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, how long will this go, every issue sees this string of Complaining about complaining getting longer, where will it all end." At first glance you could be accused of not exactly being Mrs Current Affairs, however I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and accept the fact that you might not have been a long time subscriber. If you had been then you would surely know by now that once I get an idea then I will use that idea until such time that the flogging of the dead horse has to stop due to the fact that all the remains have disintegrated. In this case, that’ll probably be at some time in 2006.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from Marco Numan, from Haarlem, Holland who writes, “Hebt u een woord begrepen van wat hij net zegde? Ik krijg heartburn. Tony doe, iets verschrikkelijk. Neerzet zich en sluit op, u grote, kale fuck. Ik mag verlaten van mijn land Doug niet en ik mag voornamelijk verlaten het voor iets minder dan niet zandige stranden en cocktail met kleine stro hoeden! U toont mij hoe te besturen een wilde fucking zigeuner en ik u tonen zal hoe een unhinged, zwijn-voeren gangster te besturen! Boris Het Lemmet, anders bekende als Boris "de Sneaky Fucking Rus" als boog als het eigen sickle is en als hard als de de hamer die het kruist. Schijnbaar is het onmogelijke de bastard te doden. Hebt u een woord begrepen van wat hij net zegde? Ik krijg heartburn. Tony doe, iets verschrikkelijk. Neerzet zich en sluit op, u grote, kale fuck. Ik mag verlaten van mijn land Doug niet en ik mag voornamelijk verlaten het voor iets minder dan niet zandige stranden en cocktail met kleine stro hoeden! U toont mij hoe te besturen een wilde fucking zigeuner en ik u tonen zal hoe een unhinged, zwijn-voeren gangster te besturen! Boris Het Lemmet, anders bekende als Boris "de Sneaky Fucking Rus" als boog als het eigen sickle is en als hard als de de hamer die het kruist. Schijnbaar is het onmogelijke de bastard te doden.” No people, I don’t know what he’s saying, but it appears that, seeing as everything is repeated that this is in double Dutch, and not the Malcolm McLaren version.

A Sally Meola, from Inglewood, California confesses, “I got really drunk one night and called our local Chinese place and started reading the menu off to the guy on the phone in a very seductive voice. He was just sitting there, not saying anything. I even pretended to orgasm when I got to the combo platters. He actually stayed on the line, laughed, then hung up. Me and my friends all had a good laugh, but the next day I realized that their computers store all of the phone numbers along with the addresses for delivery and of course, I was calling from my home phone and I lived with my parents at the time. I had to throw away all of the menus and even ripped out the page in our phone book in case my parents were to ever call there. Thankfully, there was no big scene and an alternative Chinese place to order from!” Well, thanks for that, that was highly informative, now if you wouldn’t mind telling me just what the hell you were thinking.

Tom Oliver writes, “After reading the latest edition of Guinness World records, I was disappointed to find that two facts were missing. Can anyone help? Here we go, How tall are the tallest dwarf, and the shortest giant?” What are you on? Who cares? Except you of course, my suggestion is to get a fucking grip.

Meanwhile Steve Ainger has this contribution, “If it is true that Greg Rusedski took performance enhancing drugs, he should really should sue whoever supplied them as they don’t seem to have done him much good.” Ooh, you bitch, when you should know the real reason he’s shite is cos he’s really a Canadian, and as we all know all Canadians are shite.

Continuing, we have a Bethan Collins from Alnwick, Northumberland, who writes, “Many papers have referred to Dr Shipman as Britain’s worst serial killer. He is in fact Britain’s best serial killer, given that the courts found his actions were intended. The term Britain’s worst serial killer could be more accurately applied to someone like me, who has never killed anybody.” Yeah, but I bet you’ve thought about it.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

He sat there absent mindedly sipping his Pepsi, not really focusing on anything around him, or actually thinking about anything. He just sat in a semi fugue state on the edge of the void of nothingness, an odd sense of calm surrounding him, as if he was cocooned away from the rest of the world. But it seemed that nothing was going to let him be at rest, as he was jolted from his safe calm little world by a scream.

As he came back to reality it took a couple of seconds to figure out where the scream had come from. He had just about got his bearings when another scream arose, this time from behind him, somewhere to his right. He stood and quickly scanned the plane. It was not immediately obvious what had caused the screams, but the one thing he was expecting was to see the controllers rushing to deal with it. The only thing was, there were no controllers to be seen anywhere. In fact the only one he had seen was sat slumped in a fold down seat.

He moved over to where the second scream had come from, passing as he did so, a number of the other hostages, who looked to see who it was moving among them, and then looking away when they realised that it was him. He felt a slight rush of anger that the other hostages felt uncomfortable about him, and that they were reluctant to make eye contact with him. Did they feel that he was a trouble maker, and that by being associated with him, he might cause them additional problems? He reached the location of the scream, and felt his blood turn to ice. He could plainly see why there were such screams. On the floor in front of him lay two of the controllers, both obviously dead, with pools of blood and tissue emanating from their mouths. It looked as if some of their major organs had exploded and expelled themselves out of their mouths. The bloody tissue sat in a dark red pool, starkly contrasting with the brilliant white carpet in the kind of grisly scene that would often be portrayed on TV, in films and in books.

Even in the short time spent walking over to, and taking in the scene, more screams had been raised, and he quickly moved around the plane taking in the devastation in a surprisingly calm manner. It seemed that everywhere he looked, there was a controller, dead, and in the majority of cases with the same pool of blood and tissue coming from their mouths. The screams had turned hysterical, and those that weren’t screaming were sat motionless, stunned, as if unable to take in the scenes around them. He noticed that no one else had even left their seats, and felt a strange sense of detachment from the rest of the hostages, as if he was the only sane person in a world gone mad. In the few seconds he stood there in the midst of the mayhem, he came to the conclusion that the controllers musts have been drugged or poisoned, and he thought back to their uniform plastic trays of food that had amused him at the time.

If they had been poisoned, it was a scary proposition. They had all been working for the man behind this whole enterprise, and they had obviously reached the end of their usefulness, and therefore had been terminated. If this is what happened to the staff, what on earth was going to happen to him, and the rest of the hostages.

His musings were disturbed by a sudden jolt by the plane. With the peace and quiet, the blindingly bright light, and the smoothness of the journey so far, it was almost possible to forget that they were even on a plane. He wondered what caused the jolt, and a small degree of panic kicked in when he jumped to his conclusion, the pilots had been poisoned as well. He stood for a moment taking in the dimensions of the insides of the plane, working out the direction of the front of the plane, and therefore the cockpit. He headed off in that direction and when he got to the front of the passenger section he started the search for the door to the cockpit. With everything being white on white, it took a couple of minutes before he found the carefully disguised handle.

He turned the handle and pushed the door, it opened a little way and then stopped. He pushed it again and it gave a little bit before stopping. He then shoulder barged the door and it opened a little bit more, another two charges at the door and there was a gap large enough for him to get through. Once he had squeezed through the door he found the reason for his difficulties. Just inside the door was the dead body of the co pilot. The pilot himself was dead at the controls, and a number of the controls and dials had the same blood and tissue on them. The plane itself seemed to be on some kind of automatic pilot, though he couldn’t be certain of that.

He looked around the cockpit for the radio and after a brief search found it. It was turned on, and he grabbed the microphone and spoke into it, well shouting would have been a more accurate description, “Mayday, Mayday, is there anybody out there listening?” He certainly wasn’t expecting the reply he received.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

First up is Irreversible. The general consensus that this is the most disturbing film seen, is a bit overstated. French, with English subtitles, it keeps your eyes on the screen throughout. The story unfolds in reverse, which led the way for Memento a couple of years later, and as the end credits tilt round the screen, there is a loud thudding noise, which goes right through you. Violent and sexually explicit, there are some nasty parts to the film, but there is a dark sense of humour, as who else would call a gay club Rectum? Highlights include, using a fire extinguisher to turn someone’s head to papier mache (which made the sudden appearance of a fire extinguisher in the hall in Chez Didsbury a bit disturbing). Abuse of a taxi driver, and the trashing of the taxi and threatening a prostitute to find she’s a hermaphrodite follow on from a 10+ minute rape scene. Then if that isn’t enough, off go the strobe lights at the end to set the epileptics off. Definitely worth watching if you’re not a sensitive soul.

Then the week after came The Last House on the Left. Wes Craven’s first directorial outing, was banned for nearly thirty years, due to the sex and violence, which now looks fairly tame and dated. Escaped maniacs kidnap two girls and abuse them in the country, and eventually kill them, before seeking rest in the nearest house, not knowing that it is the house of one of the two girls. Things get grisly when the girl’s parents get medieval on their asses, with a spot of chainsaw work, and a bitten off penis part of the punishment. The police turn up just too late, through a broken down car. Now that is a major plot flaw, as it took them god knows how long to get to what was a venue 25 minutes drive away (10 if you put your foot down). They drove some of the way before the car broke down, and in reality couldn’t have had more than about 10 miles to go, yet it must have taken them well over 8 hours. Not as horrific as the hype would suggest, and certainly not helped by the strangely upbeat soundtrack that reminds you more of a Scooby Doo episode than a horror flick. Difficult to see what all the fuss was about.

Lightning bolts generate temperatures five times hotter than the 6,000 C heat found on the sun.

A bolt of lightning can strike earth with a force as great as 100 million volts.

St. Mary’s - Humberstone

Humberstone is an ancient village approximately three miles to the north east of Leicester city centre, which was swallowed up by Leicester as it expanded in the early 20^th century.

St. Mary’s dates back to the 13^th Century, though little of the original structure remains, in fact only the base of the tower can be seen from this date, the tower and spire were completed in the 14^th century. The large continuous nave and chancel date from the late 14^th and early 15^th centuries, and the roof from this date still survives. The font, although damaged still survives from the 13^th century, and the 3 seat sedilla still survives, although it has been moved to the new chancel. There is a Tudor arch to what was the former south chapel

The interior remains from the elegant and suburban work done by Raphael Brandon in 1857-1858, and the eight windows date from 1859 to 1895 and were done by Hardman of Birmingham. The north porch was added in 1876, and the church was much restored by Ewan Christian in 1894.

The church had a much needed enlargement done between 1960 and 1962, by G.A. Cope, the old church effectively became the north aisle, and a new large nave, and a south aisle were added. The old south windows were moved from their original positions and were incorporated into the new south aisle positions.

Holiday – In the US, it’s Stephen Foster Memorial Day (No I have absolutely no fucking idea who he is either)

“I will punish them severely and take full revenge on them. They will feel my anger. Then they will know that I am the Lord.”

Now regular viewers may not recognise this as the same one that is normally quoted, and therefore I have also included Ezekiel 25:17 from the bible of Jules Winfield.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, Madrid is the European capital which is the 58^th most populated city in the world with a population of just over 4 million The winner of a bag of oranges is a Noreen Noble, from Newark, Nottinghamshire. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, Which airport is a stop on the Brighton Line? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 4th February wins a scale model of a British Rail livery 4-6-2 steam locomotive.

JOKES

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.

Amanpreet was visiting the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the immigration desk, he's visibly puzzled filling in the paperwork. The Immigration Officer looks over his shoulder and sees old Lizard Pecker trying to write, "Twice a Week" into the small space labelled SEX. The officer taps Preet on the shoulder and says, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by the question. We're asking, 'Male or Female.'" Preet says, "Does it matter?"

Judi was talking to Carly. "I suspect Chuck used to visit hookers before we met." "Why do you say that?" "One night we were just playing around downstairs. He picked me up and headed for the bedroom." Carly nodded. "Uh huh. So what happened?" "Well, I giggled and said, 'Should I struggle?' And he replied, 'I don't know. Does that cost extra?'"

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There only 3 survivors: Ian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with Ian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but Ian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Ian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So.... They buried her.

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says, "Shit..."

Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are talking when Donald turns to Mickey and says, "I cant believe you have split up with Minnie just because she has big teeth" To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she is fucking Goofy!"

What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common? Neither of them can finish a sentence.

Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a Nan.

They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.

Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."

The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".

CROSSWORD

RANDOM LIST

RANDOM THOUGHTS

No really great man ever thought himself so. (Something to take on board for Ricky Organ)

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys. They are all on different limbs at different levels. Some are climbing up. Some are climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of assholes.

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Formed in 1966 as the brainchild of Hollywood TV producers Bob Rafelson & Bert Schneider, as a band to be in a sit com. They comprised Davy Jones, Mickey Dolenz, Mike Nesmith, & Peter Tork. This was their second single release but the first to chart in the UK. It got to number one in it’s third week on the charts, and stayed at number one for four weeks. The B side was I’m not your stepping stone, which was covered by both the Sex Pistols and The Farm with chart success. The Monkees went on to be the world’s biggest selling artists for the year 1967

Belinda Carlisle – Heaven is a Place on Earth (Virgin VS1036) – Written by Rick Norvells & Ellen Shipley

Originally a member of the infamous LA punk band The Germs, Belinda Carlisle really made a name for herself as lead singer of the all girl group from the early 1980’s, The Go-Go’s. This was her second solo single released in the UK, with her first effort failing to reach the charts. It took six weeks to reach the number one spot, and stayed there for two weeks. It was one of the singles that was part of the top five from early February 1988, that was the only time in British chart history that all of the top 5 singles were by Solo Female artists.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Formed in 1985, they consisted of Eric Barrier (Eric B, surprisingly enough) a DJ, and William Griffin (Rakim) a rapper. Their first release was the amazing Eric B for President. This featured on the Streetsounds Electro 13 album, and attracted the attention of the Fourth & Broadway label. Their first album, Paid in Full was released in 1987, and by which time the first single had changed name to Eric B is President. The album saw the first ever use in hip hop of a James Brown track as backing music, something that would be copied to death over the next three years. It also saw them have two top twenty hits with remixes from the album, with both Paid in Full (Featuring the first use of the Pump up the Volume sample) and I know you got soul getting major airplay, something that was rare for Hip Hop records at the time. Their second album brought a harder, more intense sound, that was ahead of the game again, and saw them move to MCA records. By the time their third album Let the Rhythm Hit ‘em in was released in 1990, the whole scene had changed with the advent of gangsta rap, and the pair’s message of peace had seen them get somewhat left behind in terms of sales, despite some of their most complete work. 1992, saw their final album release, Don’t Sweat the Technique, and they split soon afterwards, with Eric going back to being a radio DJ, and Rakim taking a few years away from the scene before coming back in the late nineties with some solo material. They were responsible for raising Hip Hop to a new level and can be considered along side Grandmaster Flash and Run DMC as true pioneers, and are the most sampled artists within Hip Hop, and so their legacy lives on.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

FANTASY FOOTBALL

First up, I suppose we should deal with the issue of last year’s fantasy football. After all hell broke loose after last week’s edition, a few revelations came to light. It does need pointing out that I should have noticed that a team had three players from the same side, however it wasn’t the first time during the season, that the more complicated transfer system had meant that someone had slipped a dodgy transfer through. As with the first one, it didn’t come to light until someone else had grassed them up. The worst thing being is that this came to light eight months after the end of the season, and that it involved the winner. In line with the punishment that was given out to the first offender, the penalty is that for the month where the third Leeds player was transferred in (Harry Kewell in April) no points are scored for that player. Having dredged out last year’s records it can be determined that Harry Kewell scored 30 points in April, meaning that the winner has 30 points deducted from his final total, meaning that he is dropped from first to third. Herein lies the problem, this means that the winner of last year’s fantasy league was in fact me. By rights that means that I should claim the £90 prize, but at this late stage and due to the fact that it was in part my error, I have decided not to claim it back, but just to have the honour of having won it. Here is the revised final table for last year.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Shhoooooottt!!!	1793
2nd	The Cherokee Hair Tampons	1780
3rd	Relegated By Christmas	1777
4th	Free Transfer XI	1734
5th	Bonus F.C.	1711
6th	Heald Place Harriers	1683
7th	And Sergei Rebrov Wins The Golden Boot	1675
8th	Nottingham Saints	1655
9th	SMB Arsenal	1608
10th	Steps Into Jansen's Ring	1574
11th	Wednesday Wannabes	1538
12th	Geordies On Top	1517
13th	Big Unit's Cherries	1515
14th	Maine Road 1923-2003	1421
15th	Banjo Wielding Strikers	1400
16th	Helen Chamberlain's Body Stocking	1350
17th	Premiership Rejects	1317
18th	Cartman's Heroes	1271
	Final Table

Back to this year and it’s here, the final transfer window is open, and all transfers have to be back with me by midday on Saturday 31^st January. No ifs buts or maybes. If you want a transfer get it in by then or suffer from the consequences. There are some new players available, the full list has been updated on the website, is available in the sun, or on request if you e-mail me and ask nicely. For clarification, if a player has transferred to another club, for the purposes of the two player per team rule, he is still classified as playing for his original club; i.e. Louis Saha is still classed as being a Fulham player even though he is at Manchester United now, meaning you could still have two other Manchester United players in your side.

Anyway, below you’ll find the current league table and the last one before the transfers take effect. It might just be me, but there doesn’t appear to be a great deal of movement in the table, and it would seem that everyone has kind of drifted into their proper position. However the transfers should mix it up a bit, and you never know, we might eventually get a new leader. (About bloody time too).

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Chelle's Allstars	990
2nd	Cherokee Hair Tampons	982
3rd	Tip Top Team	968
4th	Molineux Misfits	946
5th	Seek'em & Destroy	927
6th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	910
7th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	903
8th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	896
9th	Nic	889
10th	Wednesday Wannabes	869
11th	Magpie City FC	859
12th	Westside XI	850
13th	Full Gun Lollipops	835
14th	Andy	807
15th	No use for a name	799
16th	The World's Smallest Violin	797
17th	Owen	796
18th	Reigning 3^rd Placers.	791
19th	MUP(pet)S	788
20th	Russian Gold	786
21st	Requiem For A Team	774
22nd	Shit or Bust	731
23rd	Nez	657
24th	The Unidumpers	625
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	540
26th	Whipping Boys	490
	Upto and Including 21st January

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

It would appear that Expotel aren’t exactly Mr Current Affairs when it comes to seeing what times games kick off and they turned up for this week’s game two hours early and couldn’t be arsed to wait around and therefore forfeited, and Hit the Bar got their 2^nd victory of the season 10-0. However as luck would have it Ashton Athletic’s opponents had also cried off and had an identical 10pm kick off, and so the chance was on to play the fixture that needed to be rearranged.

There is no finer sight than when the East- and Westside of Didsbury combine their talents to take on a team of local rivals on the footy pitch. And that is exactly what happened when Hit The Bar found themselves up against bitter, bitter rivals, Ashton Athletic. With a no-show from recently relegated Expotel, and the same fate bestowing Ashton, it made sense for the two teams to play their postponement from the previous week.

Ashton lined up with their usual crew, and Hit The Bar had all six of what some on-lookers now regard as the core of the squad: Squirrel between the sticks, The Chemist leading from the back, Ricky Organ prowling the flanks, G-Man bossing the midfield, Dancing spraying the passes and Nez dribbling his way to glory. The game kicked off with both teams in high spirits, with Ashton laughing and joking with their pal the ref. Within a couple of minutes G-Man, apparently on Cruise control, had lost the ball in front of his own net with a goal resulting. Undeterred, Hit The Bar soon recovered their recent good organisation and form and by half time had opened up a small lead. The start of the second half shaped the outcome of the match. Hit The Bar scored a couple of goals but each time Ashton struck back within seconds. Instead of losing heart however, Hit The Bar dug deeper and gradually broke Ashton down. It wasn't long before Ashton turned on the ref and berated every decision against them (the fact that the ref missed a vital decision whilst giving the ball back to a neighbouring pitch was neither here nor there). With Ashton becoming increasingly frustrated by Hit The Bar's excellent marking and counter-attack play, the air soon turned blue as they resorted to foul language and dirty tricks. The end of the match saw Hit The Bar take the piss with repeated substitutions and general antagonism of the Ashton scum, with a comfortable and thoroughly deserved 13-8 win the result.

Pre-pubescent keeper: the little scrote made some good saves and initially got some fine praise from his daddy. However, by the end he was made to look a right dick by a superb dummy shot from G-Man - 5

Old fat grey one: previously thought to be a good bloke, he was seen in a different light when things weren't going his way. Constantly moaned at the ref and spent ages after the game gathering up all the toys from his pram - 3

Short old grey one: lived up to his complete tosspot status with a few fouls and insults, including calling Dancing the c-word. Couldn't shoot for toffee and has as much skill on the ball as Jamie Carragher - 3

Very short bald one: whinged and moaned with the rest of them, did a bit of goal-hanging but to no effect - 4

Steve: their ringer seems to have lost his touch and there was nothing he could do to stop Hit The Bar's dominance - 6

Non-descript one: didn't notice him do anything much apart from trying to cheat his way to a penalty - 4

Player ratings: Hit The Bar (generous marks have been awarded but future sloppiness will be punished)

Squirrel: A superb performance yet again - always seemed to be in the right place at the right time, which could be attributed to the amount he ate over Christmas. In any other match this display would have earned him star man - 9

The Chemist: Was always available to provide cover at the back and helped set up a fair few counter-attacks. Chipped in with a goal in this good all-round performance - 8

Dancing: A surprisingly feisty performance, helped by his determination to beat Ashton. Scored a hat-trick but should have had more. Did well in closing down the opposition to turn defence into attack - 9

Ricky Organ: A solid performance from the gangly Eastsider. Was fired up for this one and worked hard despite not being fully fit. Scored a brace and was heavily involved in winding up the opponents - 8

G-Man: Despite the shaky start he soon settled down into his usual goal-scoring ways. Was top-scorer and worked hard to get them. All-round game was good, notably his marking and tracking back - 9

Nez: This lad just seems to keep improving. His mazy runs were a pleasure to watch and he scored a couple of beauties at crucial times. His work rate was excellent and his passion at the usual level. Set up numerous chances and defended too. By the narrowest of margins he edges from a the others and earns SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN – 9

This week's opponents were The Team With No Name, a not-particularly strong team who somehow beat Hit The Bar last time round. An extraordinary 8 players turned up for Hit The Bar, which left onlookers wondering whether 8 into 5 would go. Before the match even started, things were not looking good - a small pile of fresh vomit located in the goal was hindering HTBs much-needed shooting practice. Luckily, the Powerleague staff were on-hand with the standard vomit-removal equipment: water, a brush and some printer paper, and the game could eventually get underway. It started well enough, with HTB scoring some good goals, and defending and saving shots reasonably well. However, the defence soon started to creak, and HTB's triple substitutions only seemed to disrupt any fluidity they may have had. With only a two-goal cushion at half time, the match was delicately poised. The start of the second-half saw HTB go from bad to worse as some soft goals were conceded and chances went begging. The ref's disallowal of a Ricky Organ goal seemed to deflate the team further and they went out with a whimper, losing 11-8. Overall, a highly disappointing and frustrating display by HTB which seemed to undo the previous 5 or 6 weeks of hard work.

Squirrel: a mixed bag this week from old Astrohead, some truly great stops were undermined by a couple of weaker goals. Seems to have eliminated the A-class blunders but didn't quite live up to recent high standards - 6

Owen: a non-descript display with the exception of one good goal from wide on the right. Lost possession too easily and needs to work on developing his footballing brain - 5

The Chemist: A reasonable game although by no means outstanding. Added a couple of goals to his tally, including silencing Ricky Organ's cries for the 'simple ball' by blasting it into the top corner and did the simple things well. With not much competition, earns himself SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 6

Turkish: a very average performance with a couple of highlights. First touch was often found wanting and was guilty of not tracking back when possession was lost - 4

Nez: a lack-lustre performance this week with the addition of just one goal to his tally. Needs to learn the value of an intelligent pass after beating his man as too often he ran himself into trouble - 5

Dancing: an average performance but nothing much to write home about, with a well-placed goal the only memorable event. Tended to drift in and out of the match and still needs to add a clinical finish to his game - 6

Ricky Organ: a reasonable performance, neither outstanding nor woeful. Was unlucky to have a perfectly legal goal disallowed but amusingly was unable to protest to the ref as he had already subbed himself off before he realised - 6

G-Man: sparked into life on occasion but didn't really get into his game and probably suffered more than most with the constant subbing. Tucked home the penalty with ease and added two more but sloppy mistakes elsewhere marred his performance - 6

Scoring Chart. G Man 9, Nez 7, Dancing 6, The Chemist 4, Ricky Organ 2, Owen 1

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	4	3	1	0	48	19	0	9
HIT THE BAR	4	3	1	0	39	26	0	9
VASKO DE GATLEY	4	2	1	1	35	21	0	7
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	4	2	1	1	20	16	0	7
ASHTON ATHLETIC	4	2	2	0	41	34	0	6
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	4	2	2	0	32	55	0	6
INTER PIE & CHIPS	4	1	3	0	24	44	0	3
EXPOTEL	4	0	4	0	18	42	0	0

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Very fast through the sectional period. In all three top flight ventures to date he’s ended up a sitting target. Longer lead is required.

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW See if you can do a better job than the plastic surgeons and rebuild Jacko’s face from scratch, just click on the following link http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. Dancing, H, G Man, Seeks, Eddie Murphy & Ice T. I would also like to remove and credit that was mistakenly given to Ricky Organ in the last issue, he was due to contribute, but he claims that he was to much of a busy little bastard to get his piece in before the deadline, however his credit wasn’t removed.

Manchester City
Founded						1880
Turned Professional						1887
Admitted to the League						1892
Previous Names						Ardwick FC, West Gorton, Gorton FC
Nickname (s)						Blues, Citizens
Ground						City of Manchester Stadium
Capacity						48,000
Previous Grounds						Clowes Street, Kirkmanshulme Cricket Ground, Queens Road, Pink Bank Lane, Hyde Road, Maine Road
Seasons in Each Division
1						75
2						25
3						1
4						0
Trophies
League Champions						1936-37, 1967-68
Division 2 (new Division 1)						1898-99, 1902-03, 1909-10, 1927-28, 1946-47, 1965-66, 2001-02
FA Cup						1904, 1934, 1956, 1969
League Cup						1970, 1976
Charity Shield						1937, 1968, 1972
European Cup Winners Cup						1970
Synopsis – Founding						Founded in 1880 as a football club by West Gorton CC, They merged With Gorton Athletic in 1884 to become Gorton FC, when they changed grounds in 1887 they renamed themselves as Ardwick FC, Ardwick were declared bankrupt in 1894 and Manchester City FC was formed to take their place.
Synopsis - Major Events						One of the original members of division 2, they are one of the all time yo-yo sides, they have won the second division (now the first division) title a record 7 times, their most consistent period came in the late sixties when they won the league for a second time (the first in the thirties saw them relegated he season after), and then the FA cup, league cup and European trophies, before poor management and panic buying saw them go back to the yo-yo syndrome and nearly 30 trophy-less years.
Synopsis - Recent times						After a good start to the life of the premiership they were relegated on the last day of the season in 1997 they spent the next 6 years with the unenviable record of not spending more than a single season in the same division. They even dropped to Division two, and only escaped via the playoffs after 2 injury time goals led to a penalty shootout. Back in the premiership again, they managed to qualify for Europe this season.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They are the only team to get relegated from Division 1 after winning the League Championship the year before. They are also the only team to be relegated despite scoring 100 goals in a season. Furthermore they are the only team to score and concede 100 goals in a single league campaign.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
240	41		37		42			160		151		27		33		60		108		190		274
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
9^th		16^th		17^th			18^th		-		-		-		-		18^th		-		9th