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Surerandomality The Minutes

Covering the period Friday 23rd January to Thursday 5th February

THE NEWS HEADLINES

THIS FORTNIGHT IN THE NEWS

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A PENSIONER needed hospital treatment today after being hit by a milk float driven by a DOG. Monty the black Labrador was thought to have been travelling in the cab of the milk float in Wirral when his paw hit the accelerator. Merseyside Police said the pooch's move propelled the float forward into the unlucky victim, before it crashed into a lamppost. A spokesman for Merseyside Ambulance Service said that a 75-year-old man had been taken to hospital suffering from a grazed knee. Monty also hurt his paw in the accident and was taken to a vet for treatment. Norman Harrison, managing director of the dairy which runs the milk round, denied that Monty had caused the accident. He said: “The milkman was doing his rounds with his dog, as he has done for years The dog is something of a celebrity and all the neighbours pop out and feed him titbits. “The milkman was at a door when a local man got into the cab of the milk float and tried to feed him. As he was doing this he accidentally hit the accelerator and was hit by the float.”                       -            Bet the dog could still drive better than Squirrel

Police are hunting a gunman who burst into a classroom and forced teachers to give pupils top marks in their exams. The youth insisted on the grades being put in writing and sent to the exam board. Teacher Ljilja Aleksic of the Maritime School in the town of Kotor, Montenegro, said he did not know if it was a joke. “I was in a state of shock,” he added. The culprit said he would return next month if the grades were not honoured.            -            Now we know how Squirrel passed his driving test in the first place.

Granted, it can be frustrating conceding a late goal in a game but we still felt the La Gonzalina player's reaction to El Rulo's 90th-minute winner for Bandera in a rather fiery Chilean amateur match was a touch over the top: he pulled a revolver out of his shorts and shot the celebrating forward. Three times. Mercifully, the would-be assassin had all the accuracy of a Diego Forlan or Emile Heskey, missing with two shots and "only" hitting El Rulo's shoulder with the third. The victim was taken to hospital, the shooter fled, but the police say they are confident of catching him because they "know his identity". Well, in truth, you'd hardly need to be Hercule Poirot to glance at the La Gonzalina players left on the pitch, look at the team-sheet, and then figure out who's missing. One question remains, though: how did the culprit run about for 89 minutes with a gun stuffed down his shorts? -            In the mean time Hit the bar have been perfecting the technique for next time they play Inter Pie & Chips

Sweet maker Wrigley’s is chewing over a new idea – Viagra gum. The company has patented the idea of adding up to 100mg of Viagra’s pleasure enhancing ingredient, sildenafil citrate. Experts reckon chewing the enhanced gum minutes before making love could have a similar effect to Viagra pills. But the Chicago based firm will not be able to make the gum until 2011, when Pfizer’s patent for Viagra runs out.                   -            Just in time for Squirrel in his forties.

Meg the border collie has turned out to be a great sheepdog, despite having only two legs. The six year old moves with ease round a small flock and responds perfectly to farmer Ian McDonald’s calls and whistles. The only drawback is that she falls over when she stops running. Meg had to have her front left and rear right legs amputated after she was hit by a car and a quad bike in separate accidents. Mr McDonald said, “She’s a bloody expensive bitch, but she is strong eyed and does the job.”            -            I’m surprised that the dog isn’t called lucky.

The Cooper Gallery in Barnsley has withdrawn a 19^th century painting of a monkey in a fez playing a violin because it is demeaning to animals and possibly offensive. The picture has been hanging in the gallery for more than 100 years without complaint. Jenny Page of Tate Britain supports the move, “It is important to remember these paintings were first done for a particular audience of a particular era. Whether there is a place for them in today’s society is a question of taste in my opinion.            -            I didn’t realise G Man was that old.

A motorist left his wife at a rest area, and realised she was missing only when he arrived home an hour later. The 75 year old’s wife flagged down another driver and was taken to a police station. “The man rang later to ask if anyone had found his wife,” said a police spokesman in Rhineland-Pfalz, Germany.            -            How did he not notice the lack of whining coming from his car on the journey home.

THE GLUTTON REPORT

After months of deliberating, the final report has been issued by Lord Denning into the Government ordered inquiry, dubbed the Glutton Report. The main question that the report set out to answer was, Who ate all the pies? After 374 witnesses had given all their evidence, and photographic and video evidence had been viewed, Lord Denning went into hiding to reach his findings. In what may come as no surprise to many observers, Tony Blair has been absolved of any wrongdoing, as have the majority of the cabinet. However it wasn’t all good news for the Labour party, as the finger of blame has been firmly pointed at John Prescott and Claire Short. In the words of Lord Denning in his summing up, You fat bastards, you fat bastards, you ate all the pies.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Congratulations to Ben Affleck who finally saw sense and dumped the silly bitch.

Blonde of the fortnight was won by Zac (see Quotes).

Happy birthday to Tom, who was 22 yesterday.

Don’t forget it’s Valentine’s day next Saturday, so you’ve got plenty of time to send those cards to me.

Advance warning of the next Surerandomality venture out. This time it’s not a Friday night, this time it’s a Saturday all dayer on February 28^th doing the infamous Didsbury Dozen.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality The Minutes. Strangely enough, there have been more additions, but not very many, which is down to the fact that I really have been a busy little bastard. It’s been fairly manic all over the place, with little time to pause for breath in between drinks. Meanwhile at work, the agency sent a man who can only be described as a freak on a leash. Now although he had a different surname, we are quite sure that he is in fact Vinny’s dad, yes that freak that use to live in the same Chez Rusholme as Squirrel, Hopalong and G Man, and if you never managed to meet him you were lucky. Seeks has kindly done the Freak on a Leash factfile for everyone, which can be found in It’s a Social Whirl, just after the quotes. Yes people, it’s the opportunity you’ve all been waiting for, it’s the next Surerandomality venture out. This time it’s not a Friday night, this time it’s a Saturday all dayer on February 28^th doing the infamous Didsbury Dozen. Trust me, the amount of times this has been mentioned and not done is unreal, but finally it’s on. Starting at midday at The Didsbury, and moving on through at least eleven other pubs, the next Surerandomality event is not for the faint hearted. As usual there will be crash space available, book able in advance through the usual channels, so clear out your diaries and get to Manchester. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

EDITORIAL RANT(S)

Oi, John Motson, there is no fucking C in the name Doherty, you fucking cock

Bouncers, or as they like to be known, doormen. People who get paid to make up the most bizarre excuses not to let people into clubs. There are some places that actually have doormen, that open the doors to let you in, and keep a count of how many are coming in and out. And then there are places that have bouncers. With the mental capacity of a dead gnat they are too stupid to get a job as a warehouse assistant, and take their frustrations out on random people by thinking up random reasons for not letting people in. In the last four months there have been four places where the bouncers have refused entry, the Clocktower, for dress standards is one that really takes the piss, as the Clocktower is scally central in Didsbury, and yet has a dress code, whereas all the “smarter” bars will let anyone in. Then there is the printworks, where both Lucid and Tiger Tiger are anti men and run the sexist policy of if you’re not a woman your not coming in. The most recent addition is M2 where they refused access because Squirrel wasn’t dressed funkily enough. Beside the point that at this stage they are making their own words up, it has to be said that Squirrel was actually dressed smarter than when he goes to work. Furthermore they seem to have the ability to state the bleeding obvious by pointing out that Squirrel had green hair in such a way that they thought he didn’t know. Basically bouncers should be lobotomised to increase their IQ, and dress standards should be abolished as it is normally the case that jeans and trainers cost more than shoes and trousers.

IT’S A SOCIAL WHIRL

THE DIARY

Friday 23rd January – A quiet night in was the forecast, however it has to be said yet again that I fail to recognise the correlation between a quiet night in and what actually happened. After a couple of quiet beers from the baby, Squirrel, G Man, Ricky Organ and The Chemist headed into town, with first stop Bar 38, after a few in there they headed out, and met up with Amanda, Jen and Jo, and headed to M2, however entrance was denied due to Squirrel not being dressed funkily enough and the fact he has green hair, after a short pointless exchange, they all headed to Teasers, which for some strange reason had the upstairs dance floor bit shut off, and therefore left no dancing room. Therefore another location was sought, and found in Barracuda (Springbok, by a new name, but with the same décor). After a few more drinks, the strains of Out of Space were heard, and Squirrel and G Man were off, and when they finished dancing, so were Jen and Jo, which probably says a great deal about Squirrel and G Man’s dancing. Just before last orders Ricky Organ, The Chemist, G Man and Amanda rushed round the corner to the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), to try and catch the end of the free buffet, leaving Squirrel to finish all the drinks. When Squirrel arrived in the Casino (Viva Las Vegas), he found that  they had been denied food cos they were too late, and that the others were all on losing streaks. With a combined £150 loss they headed off, with G Man going to Amanda’s and the other heading back to Chez Didsbury.

Saturday 24^th January – The concept of taking it easy is a difficult one to comprehend, and after a Gregg’s breakfast, and bets, Squirrel and G Man headed to the Clocktower to meet up with Owen, Nez and a whole host of their mates. Again, I fail to recognise the correlation between a few quiet drinks and what actually happened. Ricky Organ and Jayne joined them in the pub briefly before heading off, and despite G Man heading back to Chez Didsbury under orders, Squirrel was going to continue. When it came to time to leave the Clocktower, Owen headed home to smoke, but everyone else headed into Fallowfield and for the nice cheap drinks in The Great Central. Then it was across the road for a few more in Revolution, and in what was probably a mistake some Tequila Slammers. At this point, Squirrel got separated from everyone else and the homing beacon set in and he went to XS, meanwhile everyone else was off to Robinskis. The XS odyssey didn’t last long, as the beer scooter came and took Squirrel home not long after midnight, but not before he downed his own pint, then someone else’s and donned his sunglasses and headed to the dancefloor.

Sunday 25^th January – Hopalong was out early to view flats, which was interspersed with visits to pubs, of which the Clocktower was one. Elsewhere Ricky Organ was out with Jayne, The Chemist went to Tae Kwon Do, G Man went to the cinema with Amanda, and Squirrel did absolutely, positively fuck all.

Monday 26th January – Ricky Organ was off on his travels again, this time the warmer climes of Lisbon were the destination, meanwhile everyone else was just chilling.

Tuesday 27th January – With expert timing, G Man and Amanda left the restaurant just as the heavy snow fall started, and were therefore covered in it by the time they got back to Chez Didsbury, much to the amusement of Squirrel. Apart from that another quiet night in.

Wednesday 28th January – No football, meant there was the rumour of going to the Dog and Partridge to do the quiz, however the afternoon enthusiasm had subsided by the time it was dark and cold, and a few quiet drinks in followed.

Thursday 29h January – Speaking of a few quiet drinks, why does it never seem to happen whenever Squirrel and Kate meet up. One drink turned into “a couple” turned into three bottles of wine and 10 stellas, and being ushered out of the Square Albert as the staff attempted to lock up. After three quarters of an hour just sat in Albert Square they managed to get a taxi to their respective homes, and all without falling on the icy snow once.

Friday 30th January –.Squirrel and Seeks (who had also been on the piss the night before) thought it was a good idea to hit the pub at dinner and had a few swift ones in the Waterhouse. G Man escaped early afternoon, and headed to Scotland to get a weekend’s snowboarding. The Chemist was in a non movement mode for a change, and with Ricky Organ on his way back from Portugal, it left just Squirrel and Hopalong to do the drinking. The Parrswood was the first destination, where quite a few beers accompanied the watching of the Sheffield Wednesday game, before some more accompanied some pool playing. At last orders they got a taxi to Fallowfield and a trip to XS, where lots more beers, a few tequilas and some reefs accompanied quite a bit a dancing before heading to Abduls where Hopalong refused to get food, and managed to get in an argument with some random, before they got a taxi back. Once in the taxi Hopalong started to beg for some kebab, but Squirrel point blank refused to give any away, so once back at chez Didsbury Hopalong found some microwave pasta meal in the fridge and proceeded to cook and eat that.

Saturday 31st January –.After finding bits of pasta all over the floor of his room Hopalong realised that he’d nicked The Chemist’s pasta, but there wasn’t a chance of replacement before going out with Gemma, as they headed to the Golden Lion to watch the football. Squirrel found bits of his kebab on the floor, and was tempted to eat it, but thought better of it. Ricky Organ had gone into work and made it back for the start of the football. Zac made it over from Leeds and after the football him and Squirrel headed to O’Neill’s in Didsbury to meet up with a whole host of people, with Dancing and Dec being among the 20+ people who were out (the rest allegedly being Matt, Alex, Woody, Phil, Greg, Alison, Liz, Kerry, Stella, Austin, Gemma, Ruth, Andy, Coley, Rob, Welsh Rich, Maybs, & Alice). The Chemist was at the same time heading to Tae Kwon Do, and Ricky Organ was staying in “working” before going out with Jayne in the evening to a birthday party of one of her friends. Meanwhile in O’Neill’s there were plenty of jugs been drunk, and some pool playing going on, until just after 7 everyone headed to OP bar, where even more people (Sarah, Hazel, Tim, Naomi, Smelly Anna, Siobhan, & Stella's brother), as well as Wes joined up. After quite a few more Wes and Squirrel headed to XS, while everyone else was heading into town, using a mixture of taxis and good old UK North, they headed for Walkabout, but whilst those that were walking there from the bus stop, met the ones that had gone in the taxi walking back having been put off by the size of the queue.  Unfortunately, the point at which they met was where they ended up... the scally-ridden Square Bar. Meanwhile The Chemist had met up with Katy and Dan, and they ended up in One Central Street. In XS Wes and Squirrel met Becky, who had made it back to the country, and was looking remarkably well considering how ill she had been. After a couple of drinks in XS Wes and Squirrel headed to Jabez, where lots more drinks, and a little bit of dancing followed, before heading home. Back at Square bar, after a couple and just after midnight, Dancing, Alison, Stella and Austin headed home, and at some stage a host of others, including Zac and Dec, headed to Rusholme and Al Bilal, where for the second time on the trot Dec managed to fall asleep. Squirrel headed to Fallowfield and Abdul’s again, and was waiting for a taxi when Zac rang, to say he was on the way back. However it seems that Zac’s journey wasn’t the easiest as he didn’t arrive back at Chez Didsbury until half five, after managing to puke 5 times on the way back, this despite the fact he left Rusholme in a taxi heading to Didsbury with a number of others. However he jumped out at some point on the journey home, after giving the impression he knew where he was going.

Sunday 1st February –.Not a great deal of early motion, with Hopalong back from Gemma’s early, and Zac managed to drag himself up to start the journey back to Leeds just after midday. Both Ricky Organ and The Chemist got up during the football, and Hopalong went out just after the first match with Gemma. G Man got back after missing an afternoon’s worth of Football in time to inspire a Wicker Man viewing, before The Superbowl, and another very late night started.

Monday 2nd February–.Quiet night in, with G Man round at Amanda’s.

Tuesday 3rd February – As above but Amanda in with G Man and Hopalong out at Gemma’s

Wednesday 4tht February – The Chemist point blank refused to play 5-a-side and stayed in with Hopalong to watch football, and when the rest of the residents got back from 5 a side, Hopalong was preparing to go to Gemma’s. The euphoria of the win wore off, and the rumoured drinking spree failed to materialise.

Thursday 5th February – Absolutely anything could have happened, but due to work commitments, I’m not exactly Mr. Current Affairs myself, and can’t with any degree of certainty tell you exactly what has gone on.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Bouncer (To Squirrel) – You’re not dressed funkily enough.

Ricky Organ – Did you say Funky? What do you want us to do? Timewarp back to the seventies and come bouncing back on space hoppers?

Ricky Organ (during the same conversation) – What does it take to get in? A rub down and a Shiatsu?

Blondie – Can we accept a change of address?

Long pause, expecting something else to be said before,

Karen – That is what we do.

Jose Reyes (Arsenal's new signing) - I am joining the best club in England.

Followed by - To be honest, I know nothing about English football.

Zac – So what date is Valentine’s day then? 15^th? 18^th? 12^th?

Squirrel, Dancing & Woody – The 14^th!

Zac – Well I don’t need to know.

FREAK ON A LEASH FACTFILE

Name: Duncan

Age: Mid 50's

Born: Unknown

Children: Vincent Blake

Address:            Room 666

                        Manchester Mental Asylum

                        Manchester

                        M44 NOB

Fact File:

Accompanied by a strange stench which I believe to be BO' mixed with sh1t which is thought to originate from the mouth, this cronie is definite someone to watch out for.  Duncan has all the characteristics of a flasher and I wouldn’t be surprised if he has experimented with Animals.  He can easily be identified by such features as MASSIVE glasses (Should have gone to Specsavers) held together in the legendary Jack Duckworth fashion using tape, a mouth containing a total  of 3 teeth spread out approximately 1 inch apart, a comb over Sir Bobby Charlton would be proud of and enough food lodged in the side of his mouth to feed the third world.

Classic Quotes:

Most of these were made to Seeks who had the pleasure of being seated next to the Freak…

Duncan: Francis Lee  was caught speeding on the motorway.  The police man said to him “I’m afraid I am going to have to give you 3 points” to which Lee replied (In a dodgy gay accent provided by The Freak) “3 points, I haven’t had 3 points all season”

Duncan:  Who do City play at weekend? Seeks:  Birmingham. Duncan: Oh you should beat them.

Duncan: Name a singer who sings about Dogs. Seeks: Don’t know, Who? Duncan: Frank Sinatra Seeks: Oh right.  I don’t get it. Duncan: Well in one song he says “Dooby, Dooby Doo” but it sounds like “Scooby, Dooby, Doo”  Ho, Ho, Ho  (Gimpish freaky laugh)

Duncan:  Who do City play at weekend? Seeks:  Birmingham. Duncan: Oh you should beat them.

Duncan: Is your mum a weightlifter? Seeks: No, why? Duncan: Because she raised a dumb bell like you.

Duncan: Ding, Dong. Seeks: What? Duncan: Ding, Dong, Colin Bell

Duncan:  Who do City play at weekend? Seeks:  Birmingham. Duncan: Oh you should beat them.

Duncan: Red Rum walks into the bar and says to the barman, “Can I have a drink please” to which the barman replies, “Yea sure, hey we’ve got a drink named after you called Red Rum” (Think he got a bit confused with that one.  Bless)

Duncan: You like my jokes don’t you Seeks.

Duncan:  Who do City play at weekend? Seeks:  Birmingham. Duncan: Oh you should beat them.

Duncan:  Its pretty appropriate that’s a bear isn’t it (Referring to Seeks’ M.C.F.C. cuddly toy on his desk.) Seeks:  Why is it? Duncan: Because nobody can bear to be a City fan.

Duncan: Do you watch that Jungle thing? (I’m A Celebrity) Seeks: Sometimes, my girlfriend watches it. Duncan: You should do that with everyone in the office.  Make a jungle and put them all in it. Would be dead funny that would. Each week you can vote someone out, some places do that you know. (Yea, every fucking place you have been to votes you out you fucking weirdo!)

Duncan:  Who do City play at weekend? Seeks:  Birmingham. Duncan: Oh you should beat them.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 6th February  - Friends and family has been mentioned for this weekend. As has many different venues by many different people.

Saturday 7^th February – XS has also been mentioned but a weekend doesn’t go by without that happening. Work has also been mentioned for this weekend.

Sunday 8^th February – Hit the Bar Vs Dehulberto La Cortina in a rearranged fixture

Monday 9^th – Tuesday 10^th February – Pretty much a case of collecting cobwebs

Wednesday 11^th February – Hit the Bar Vs Vasko De Gatley

Thursday 12^th February – No Squirrel, Thursday night is not a good night to go out

Friday 13^th February – Friday however is, but apart from the usual suspects there is nothing exceptional planned.

Saturday 14th February –.Valentines day which will mean that Ricky Organ (in Nice), G Man(in Essex) and Hopalong will be out with their respective partners, meanwhile The Chemist and Squirrel will sit sadly at home.

Sunday 15th – Tuesday 17th February – More cobwebs, less spiders.

Wednesday 18^th February – Hit the Bar Vs Inter Pie & Chips

Thursday 19^th February –.If anyone has any sense there will not be a great deal happening, however.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – Ben Affleck (See announcements)

Chump(s) of the Fortnight – The M2 bouncers.

Chimp of the Fortnight – G Man. Does it really need any further explanation?

IN THE REALM WITHOUT SENSES

READER’S LETTERS

Most of what is in here is from the first week’s post bag due to the fact that I have been king bastard of the busy little bastards this week, as I have made pains to point out many times in the last year, if I had a dozen chocolate teapots they would be more use than the so called staff here. I’m not sure but I think that Ethel may actually have died. Granted, her level of conversational output hasn’t actually changed, but she is beginning to smell more than normal. If it carries on like this I might actually consider calling a doctor. Anyway, let it roll, get bold, cos I just can’t hold back the fold, and let the letters start.

First up is a Damian Norden, from Kingston Upon Thames, who moans, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, it’s a just so ridiculous". And of course, you’re really helping matters aren’t you? Dickweed.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from Paulo Bontempi, from Verona, Italy, “Siede ha chiuso su, lei grande, calvo fuck. Non amo Doug di paese di mio di lasciare, e non amo soprattutto l'esso di lasciare per niente le spiaggie meno poi sabbiose, ed i cocktail con i piccoli cappelli di paglia! Questi sono le sue ultime parole, dunque loro fa una preghiera. Qualcuno baderebbe a per dire me, chi lo sono? Guido giù la strada con la sua testa conficcata nella mia finestra. Che guarda come faccio?! Lei l'ain' t da questo planet lo sono, Vincent? Chi è la tazza di gonna due fellas nero, tenendo le pistole, sedute in un'automobile che vale meno della sua camicia?” Did you? Well, did you? Did you understand a single word of what he just said?

And a Woody Keller, from Portland, Oregon confesses, “I once snuck into my friend’s house while they were on vacation to watch one of his pornos. Little did I know that his mom would be coming home early. I did not hear the car pull up so when she opened the front door open I had mere seconds to shut off the TV and dive into the nearest bathroom. She literally only had to turn around to see me as she strolled into the kitchen. I hid in the bathroom closet for 30 nerve racking minutes contemplating an excuse if she decided to go to the bathroom, which luckily she did not. Finally, I managed to sneak out of the house while she was at the computer. I have never told anyone of this.” Ha, and you thought you were writing to the Samaritans.

Terry Francis from Liverpool writes, “So, NASA’s spirit rover has found mud on Mars. I’d often wondered where the seventies group went. After Tiger Feet, they vanished off the face of the Earth.” You’re not exactly mr current affairs are you? They’re not talking about that type of mud.

Meanwhile Sam Cooke (wasn’t he a soul star?) from Croydon asks, “Has anyone ever found a double yoker in a Cadbury’s crème egg?” You are Yoking aren’t you

And finally a somewhat less than sane Andy B, from Glasgow, pontificates as follows, “I’ve been saving for a rainy day for ages, and finally bought one. It was grey, boring and useless. A vastly overrated experience. How do I get my money back?” Sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. Did he just say what I thought he said. Shut up and Fuck off you loser.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

Is unfortunately missing in action this week, as I really don’t have time to type up what I’ve written.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

From the Sunday night range come the Superbowl.

After Beyonce sang the national anthem (the US one just in case there are some right tits out there), the teams started, with first possession going to the Carolina Panthers, but they were unable to move the ball at all and the New England Patriots took over, they didn’t do much better, and for the first 26 minutes there was no score, the longest spell without scoring in any superbowl. During that time the Patriots had failed with two field goal attempts, but they were first on the board with a well word touchdown. Carolina quickly equalised, only for the Patriots to score again. In the dying moments Carolina scored a field goal to bring the half time score to 14-10. Then there was the half time show, which kicked off with Jessica Simpson, before moving on to Janet Jackson, then P Diddy, Nelly and Kid Rock, before returning to Janet, who was joined on stage by Justin Timberlake, and the now infamous boob exposure as a finale. The players were all obviously shell shocked following the show and they failed to score at all in the 3^rd quarter. But just into the fourth, the Patriots then extended their lead with another touchdown to lead 21-10. This kicked Carolina into life, and two quick touchdowns gave them the lead, but they attempted two point conversions both times, and failed both times, so they led by a single point 22-21, which was the first time since early November that the Patriots had trailed in any game. Straightaway the Patriots marched down the field and scored a touchdown, and they went for the two point conversion themselves, and with a brilliant trick play of snapping straight to the running back got it. The score was now 29-22 with only three minutes left, but once again Carolina came back and got the equalising touchdown and conversion with only a minute left. It looked as if there might be overtime for the first ever time in the superbowl. However the restart saw Jon Kasey kick the kick-off straight out of play, an obvious mistake on his part, and gave the Patriots a great chance to get into field goal range, and sure enough with just 4 seconds left Adam Ventieri, the Patriots kicker kicked the winning field goal, to leave the final score 32-29. The MVP went to Tom Brady the Patriots Quarterback, for the second time in three years, after their 2002 victory, which also came on an Adam Ventieri field goal as time expired. The initial reaction from most quarters is that it was the best superbowl ever, and as it is fresh it does seem that way, but even as the fuss dies down, it can definitely be considered as in the top three in history.

A VALENTINE’S POEM

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.  Ruined the whole fucking thing.

THE RANDOM FACTOR

RANDOM LIST

The top 10 songs ever as voted for by Q's panel of experts

1. U2 - One

2. Aretha Franklin - I say a little prayer

3. Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

4. Beatles - A day in the life

5. Elvis Presley - In the ghetto

6. Eminem - My name is

7. Radiohead - Creep

8. Destiny's Child - Independent Women

9. Oasis - Live Forever

10. Ike & Tina Turner - River Deep Mountain High

RANDOM THOUGHTS

You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist

You can’t tell which way the train went, just by looking at the tracks

You can’t win arguments by interrupting speakers

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

Under the Riot Act 1714, once a magistrate had read the passage (below) within the hearing of a crowd greater than twelve, the “rioters” had one hour to disperse before their presence ceased to be a misdemeanour and became a felony, ultimately punishable by death. The wording had to be read exactly as written, since at least one conviction was overturned because “God save the King” had been left out. Hence the phrase reading the riot act. The Riot Act was repealed in 1973.

“Our sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King.”

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

Gingle (n).

The forlorn state of being both ginger and single

THE LEARNING ZONE

RANDOM FACTS

The first ever Greyhound race in this country took place at Belle Vue in Manchester in 1926.

The letter "J" does not yet appear anywhere within the periodic table of the elements.

The Benin national football team are known as the Squirrels. (That'll explain why they're crap at football)

LEICESTER'S HISTORY

William Wygston

Born in 1467, he was a native of Leicester, and was a wealthy merchant. He was twice married, however neither of them produced any children, and therefore he went about devoting his money to charitable works in Leicester.

He was twice the mayor of Leicester, in 1499, and in 1510, and in addition to this and through being a merchant he was also four times the mayor of the staple of Calais. In 1512, he built the Chantry house on the Newarkes which today forms part of the Newarke Houses museum, for two priests that sang masses for him at the now disappeared Church of the Annunciation of St. Mary that stood across the road.

In 1513 he founded a hospital for 12 poor men and 12 poor women, and provided a chaplain and confater. Originally sited to the west of the cathedral, they were moved to the corner of Fosse Road and Hinckley Road in 1869, the endowments made for the hospital were so large that they enabled the establishment of both a boys and girls school (wyggeston - the perceived spelling of his surname at the time).

Stands as one of the four benefactors’ on the base of the Clock Tower, he died in 1536.

ON THIS DAY

January 29th

Born – 1945 – Tom Selleck

Died – 1964 – Alan Ladd

Event – 1845 – Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven is published

Event – 1979 – Brenda Spencer kills 2, and inspires the Boomtown Rats’ I don’t like Mondays

Holiday – In Kansas it’s admission day

Saint's Day – St Francis of Sales, bishop of Genoa

February 4th

Born – 1973 – Oscar De La Hoya

Died – 1983 – Karen Carpenter

Event – 1585 – Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, becomes governor of Netherlands

Event – 1969 – John Madden is name head coach of the Oakland Raiders

Holiday – In Angola, it the celebration for the Outbreak of fighting against the Portuguese

Saint's Day – Cornelius the Centurion

SPIRITUAL HEALING

This issue’s verse from the good news bible is Job 3:16

Or sleeping like a still born child

As opposed to the various interpretations that were in Ethan Hunt’s Gideon’s bible.

THE DEMON’S DICTIONARY

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

ACHIEVEMENT

The death of endeavour and the birth of disgust.

BREAK TIME

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, Gatwick is the airport that has a stop on the Brighton Line. The winner of a scale model of a British Rail livery 4-6-2 steam locomotive is a Olive Ong, from Oxford, Oxfordshire. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, how many minutes are there in a leap year? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 18th February wins a stopwatch.

JOKES

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for £5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled £20 note and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"

In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product. It was called "Y2K Jelly." What was special about it? It allowed you to get four digits in your date instead of two

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the two take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the Middle East, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the Middle East is the loss of the hand that steals." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

What’s ET short for? Cos he’s got little legs.

Why have elephants got big ears? Cos Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom

What’s the difference between Michelle from Pop Idol and Harold Shipman? Michelle's still hanging.

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Do you know  that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was impressive.  But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The Queen seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and ALL Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So he slapped the bitch.

A chimpanzee walks into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic with two slices of lemon. The bartender pours the drink and gives it to the chimp, who takes it to a corner table. “Blimey, you don’t see that every day,” exclaims a regular leaning on the bar. “Too right,” replies the barman, “Most customers are happy with just the one slice of lemon.”

An elderly woman is left widowed and the neighbours gather round her house to offer their sympathies. One woman’s curiosity gets the better of her and she asks the grieving widow how her husband met his end. “We were getting ready to host a dinner party,” sobbed the widow, “and I sent Bert to get a fresh head of cabbage from the garden. I waited and waited but there was no sign of him, so I went to look, and found him lying dead in the cabbage patch. It was such a shock.” “How awful for you, “ whispered the neighbour. “What did you do then?” “Well,” replied the widow, “it was getting late and the guests were arriving, so I decided to open a tin of peas instead.”

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

Judi decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain. The teacher took Judi to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the mail man!"

A police car pulls up in front of grandma's house and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. Grandma looked at her husband and said, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a  cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks. About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He

couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his 4X4 over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the vehicle. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pants leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your 4x4 rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

CROSSWORD

Victoria

MUSICAL MADNESS

RETRO CHART

This time it’s the chart from this week in 1966

1 Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

2 Overlanders - Michelle

3 Crispian St Peters - You Were On My Mind

4 Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass - Spanish Flea

5 Rolling Stones - Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown

6 Cilla Black - Love's Just A Broken Heart

7 Mindbenders - Groovy Kind Of Love

8 Spencer Davis Group - Keep On Running

9 Herman's Hermits - A Must To Avoid

10 Pinkerton's Assorted Colours - Mirror Mirror

NUMERO UNO

The first of this time’s two number ones comes from this week in 1983

Men at Work - Down Under Epic EPC A 1980 written by Colin Hay and Ron Strykert

This Australian five piece group led by lead singer Colin James Hay, and including Ron Strykert, John Rees, Greg Ham and Jerry Speiser, hit number one with this, their second single release in the UK. It crawled up the chart and hit number one in its fourth week on the chart, staying there for 3 weeks, and during this spell they became only the second act (after the Beatles) to simultaneously have the number one single and album (with Business as Usual) both in the UK and the US. Nothing else they released had anything near the success of this track, and they failed to have another top ten hit.

The second of this time’s two number ones comes from this week in 1974

Mud - Tiger Feet RAK 166, written by Nicky Chinn & Mike Chapman

Les Gray, Rob Davis, Ray Stiles, and Dave Mount made up Mud, who were one of the big Glam Rock groups of the early seventies. This was their fourth single release, and hit number one in only it’s second week on the chart, and spent four weeks at the top of the charts, and was the first of 3 number ones the group had. Nearly thirty years on Rob Davis is still writing chart topping songs, including one for Kylie MInogue.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

This issue’s artist is Secret Affair.

Formed in 1978 after the demise of the New Hearts by it’s members Ian Page and David Cairns, they added Dennis Smith and Seb Shelton. They were the shining stars of the late 70’s Mod revival (Not including the Jam who were different things to different people), and led a mini chart invasion by similar styled and sounding bands. Their sound was influence by the Tamla Motown sound, and by such sixties mod groups as The Who, The Kinks and Them. Their debut album, Glory Boys was released early in 1979, and hit the top ten, while at the same time their debut single Time for Action was in the top ten. They were also the headliners on the March of the Mods tour, which saw them tour the UK, and then the US two years later with great critical success. The next eighteen months saw another four hit singles and a second album entitled Behind Closed Doors, which also broke into the top twenty. However Seb Shelton had had enough of the touring by this stage and left the band, and they just drifted along for a while, until in 1982 they released their last album Business as Usual, and a non charting single, Lost in the Night, and soon after the remaining members of the band went their separate ways. It is unfortunate that they brought out their material on their own label I-Spy, which was under the Arista umbrella, as no sooner had they started the label then Arista were bought out, and the newly founded label was left without any promotional funding, hampering the quality music they were making. Years on and the sound is still as emotional as it was when released, and the fan base is still there, and it is a shame that they went unnoticed by the masses, as for 18 months they were as good as the Jam, and from me that is high praise indeed.

Recommended Album – Time For Action , The Best of

Recommended Single – My World.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

Here’s what’s been worrying the neighbours in the last fortnight.

Mr On vs Jungle Brothers – Breathe Don’t stop

Fatman Scoop – It takes scoop.

Transplants – Transplants

2 Many DJ’s – As heard on radio soulwax all volumes and the hang all DJ’s mixes.

THIS SPORTING LIFE

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Well, that’s it, you’re all on your own from this point in. The final transfer window has come and gone in the blink of an eye, and you’re all now stuck with the teams that you’ve got. Not only have the transfers come and gone, but there was almost a new leader. Until some Wednesday night heroics it looked like Chelle’s Allstars were going to drop to second after a four month reign at the top, but on they go for another week at the top of the pile.

Just for the record because, inquiring minds want to know, here’s a total list of everyone’s transfers. Well all the people that could be bothered to make transfers.

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

Wednesday January 28^th

The match against Dehulberto La Cortina was postponed due to the snow, and rearranged for Sunday 8^th February

Wednesday February 4th

In a game against totally new opposition, Hit the Bar took on The Parrswood Old Boys, who had joined the league since the new year, and had shown promise in their two games by winning them both. They turned up in black and white stripes, and looked like a team that meant business. Hit the Bar were down to a bare five after the late withdrawal of the Chemist, but started the game in fine style, and found themselves 7-0 up in the first half after some very slick passing and shooting, and some decent saves. Half time came about with Hit the Bar leading 8-2, but feeling the effects of playing with only 5. Not only were they obviously tired but, the memory of throwing it away against the team with no name in their last outing, would have been on their minds. However some sterling work saw that, even though the Parrswood Old Boys scored some early goals they were never closer than three goals. Even with the injury stricken Ricky Organ being a virtual passenger for the last two minutes, Hit the bar ran out 13-9 victors.

PLAYER RATINGS

Squirrel – Made a string a vital saves, including a sliding lunge across his goal, when things were getting tight. Managed to make a couple of blunders in keeping with tradition, but a solid display. 9

G Man – Not his most memorable performance, and like most of the team ran out of steam in the second half, but scored some important, if not deflected goals. 9

Ricky Organ – Grabbed a first half hat trick as Hit the Bar ran in to an early lead, suffered as the game went on and was a virtual passenger for the last few minutes, as he tried to loosen up his very tight hamstrings. 9

Nez – Another all round tip top performance, with six goals, numerous lollypops, countless interceptions, and the usual amount of verbals, didn’t stop running, with either his legs or his mouth, and is (yet again) deservedly SURERANDOMALITY STAR MAN. 9

Owen – Despite no goals, an awesome defensive display, with an amazing amount of tackles, and some simple passing. Again felt the pace in the second half, but held on. 9

Scoring Chart. G Man 13, Nez 13, Dancing 6, Ricky Organ 5, The Chemist 4, Owen 1

Division 5

    DATE                  OPPONENTS                KO Time

08/02/2004            Dehulberto La Cortina                 5:00 PM

11/02/2004            Vasko De Gatley                      9:00 PM

18/02/2004            Inter Pie N Chips             7:00 PM

25/02/2004            Ashton Athletic                         9:00 PM

03/03/2004            Expotel                                     10:00 PM

10/03/2004            The Team With No Name    9:00 PM

17/03/2004            Dehulberto La Cortina                 10:00 PM

24/03/2004            Parrswood Old Boys                  9:00 PM

31/03/2004            Vasko De Gatley                      7:00 PM

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Exit Quickly

Not exactly living up to his name at the moment. Imperative he brings along those trapping boots. Soon realise his fate.

SURERANDOMALITY STUFF

WEB LINKS

Find the homepage for the website at surerandomality.20fr.com

For everything to do with the fantasy football then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ff2004.htm

For everything to do with the 5 a Side then click on the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/5aside.htm

For all random facts go to surerandomality.20fr.com/ranfacts.htm

To get more jokes then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/jokes.htm

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To get the full version of the main story go to the website at surerandomality.20fr.com/story.htm

To get rid of the annoying pop up messages go to http://www.panicware.com/popupstopper.html and download and install the free version onto your PC.

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW To plan a pub crawl go to http://www.beerintheevening.com/ and enter your planned location and let it work out a route.

NEW You gotta see the ultimate Star Wars geek’s car at http://www.roadsquadron.com/Cars/Hwing/

NEW See if you can do a better job than the plastic surgeons and rebuild Jacko’s face from scratch, just click on the following link http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm

NEW See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

1. Ricky Organ             323.5

2. Squirrel                     323.4

3=. G Man                     322.9

      Benjamin Rappaz             322.9

5=. Seeks                     321.0

      Tom                        321.0

7. Dancing                     319.7

8. Karen                        316.7

9. Blondie                      315.5

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders  - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Back Issues available at the very reasonable price of £1 per issue.

A bumper edition of the First year’s editions is also available at £30.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

WHORES. Pandora’s (allegedly). Above Karma in Fallowfield.

BEER. Pubs are normally good for this.

FIGHTS. Outside XS from 2.15am any Saturday or Sunday morning.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

E mail contributions to surerandomality@hotmail.com or surerandomality@yahoo.co.uk

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston  & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

Squirrel hot line 0781 645 8542.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. Blondie, H, G Man, & Seeks. I would also like to apologise for missing Hopalong from the credits last week.

TOTAL = 25

THIS YEAR’S TOTAL = 188

CUMULATIVE TOTAL = 1018

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