Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A man called 911 from his cell phone inside an electronics store in San Marcos, Calif., to complain the store's clerk refused to return his credit cards. San Diego County Sheriff's deputies found at least one of the cards were fake. Michael Broome, 20, who had made the call, was arrested, and two other men from what they called a "sophisticated" identity theft ring have also been arrested. The trio face multiple felony counts, including conspiracy, burglary, grand theft, identity theft, possession of stolen credit cards and manufacturing fraudulent credit cards. - Tits, but they obviously didn't have special Dutch accounts

A survey of Britons found that 65 percent couldn't name the city that the musical "Chicago" was set in. And 57 percent could not name the locale of the popular TV show "Dallas", 64 percent don't know where the French Alps are, and 70 percent don't know where the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra is based. But don't conclude Britons only focus their sights close to home: 66 percent don't know what city the popular Roger Whittaker song "Streets of London" refers to either. - And 68 percent of people i have to deal with couldn't find their arse with both hands.

Dwight Steidel was sitting at a red light in Allentown, Penn. When it turned green, the car in front of him didn't move -- the driver was chatting with a pedestrian on the sidewalk. "I rolled down my window and told him to move or pull over," Steidel says. "He immediately began to curse at me. I believe he did not know I was a police officer." Steidel, who was driving an unmarked police car, pulled the man over. The driver, Rico Cordero, was driving with a suspended license. And he was carrying cocaine and a large amount of cash. And the car he was driving was stolen. - This guy makes the previous tits look like professionals.

A man of 75 who married a dog to bring him good luck died three days later. Plulram Chaudhary was following an ancient custom which says anyone who re-grows teeth must take a dog as his bride. - And you though I’m a celebrity was being held in Australia.

A customer stripped naked outside a bank in a protest over its metal detector. Antonio Coghetto set off the security device every time he tried to go in the building. He said, “I took off all my clothes, my boxers, everything.” The alarm still went off when he tried to go in. Police in Brazil arrested him for indecency. - Security guards, eh, what jokers. Hey, watch what this guy does if I press the buzzer every time he walks through here.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball has been kidnapped. He would be grateful for any information that might lead to its return. So if you have any then please let me know.

Advance warning of the next Surerandomality venture out. This time it’s not a Friday night, this time it’s a Saturday all dayer on February 28^th doing the infamous Didsbury Dozen. Yes people it’s less than a week away

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality The Tottenham Double. Busy little bastard week, Busy little bastard weekends, and then a quiet week. What does that lead to? Well, basically, this fortnight’s issue, and don’t forget to check out the TV listings on page twenty three to see what coming up in the next couple of weeks. Yes people, it’s the opportunity you’ve all been waiting for, it’s the next Surerandomality venture out. This time it’s not a Friday night, this time it’s a Saturday all dayer on February 28^th doing the infamous Didsbury Dozen. Trust me, the amount of times this has been mentioned and not done is unreal, but finally it’s on. Starting at midday at The Didsbury, and moving on through at least eleven other pubs, the next Surerandomality event is not for the faint hearted. As usual there will be crash space available, book able in advance through the usual channels, so clear out your diaries and get to Manchester. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIDSBURY DOZEN

A legend to those in the South Manchester area, the Didsbury Dozen is a legendary pub crawl, which, somewhat unsurprisingly takes in twelve Didsbury pubs. However there are many different ideas to what pubs make up the Didsbury Dozen, but it’s generally felt that the poncy café bars such as Est, and Café Rouge shouldn’t be included. Then there is the school of thought that it should be a straight line crawl all the way down Wilmslow Road, and then there is the school of thought that thinks that the two pubs at the south end of Didsbury (The Didsbury and Ye Olde Cock) are too far away from any of the other pubs, and that two just off the Wilmslow Road in the centre of Didsbury (Pitcher & Piano, and the Fletcher Moss) should be included instead. Therefore to stop any arguments, both routes will be covered, and all 14 will be included in the Didsbury Dozen. (And before you start Squirrel, yes technically that would make it the Didsbury Fourteen.) The route and the timings are as below. Please note that the extended amount of time in pub 1 is to allow for food to be partaken in first, and the slight additional time for pub 2 is to allow for the trek from there to the third pub.

As you will see from this, it is a nice steady pace, and will therefore allow for a late venue to finish the night off.

Right, there are rules and shit for this. Females, get to drink, well basically whatever alcohol they like, whether it’s a half, a bottle, wine, or a spirit mixer, hell if they want to they can do pints. Males, 1 pint per pub, whether it be lager, bitter, Guinness, or cider. None of the Female drinks are available. If you want to drink anything listed under the Female list then you can, as long as you come in a dress or a skirt and are wearing make up. This is to stop some jokers from starting on pints , and then moving onto spirits after about 4, and then complaining about how long it’s taking to drink up. Yes Me Laird, I’m looking in your direction with that one.

Next, there is a steady pace for a reason, and therefore it is only one drink per venue. No getting a few pints in the first few pubs and necking them at record pace before running out of steam at pub 8 and going onto Vodka Red Bull. Yes Hopalong I’m looking at you.

Furthermore one drink per venue applies to spirits, shots and shooters. This is to prevent lunatics getting everyone chasers in each pub, and having everyone completely ratted by pub 6. This also includes getting shots for yourself only. This time I’m looking at you again Me Laird, but especially you Squirrel. The object is to get everyone to the last pub, not to see how many people you can make puke.

Unfortunately, I am left with little option apart from to declare that the official timekeeper for the event is Squirrel. When he calls next pub, it will be officially time to move on. I can see some worried faces on that news, but he has promised that he will not walk into any pub down his pint in one and scream next pub, and that he will actually behave himself .

THE DIARY

Friday 6th February – In another planned quiet night, Squirrel got back to Chez Didsbury, and announced to the audience of The Chemist, G Man and Amanda that he was meeting Hopalong for a couple in the Parrswood. Hopalong arrived from a stop at the Clocktower, and during their stay at the Parrswood, managed to cane Squirrel at pool. They jumped into a waiting taxi, and let a bloke with Alzheimer’s share it, before getting out in Fallowfield, only for Hopalong to realise that he’d left his wallet in the car. However a call and some lying to the taxi firm saw it’s delivery back, and then allowed entrance to XS, where needless to say things got very messy, before kebab and home, where Ricky Organ was still up playing on his laptop.

Saturday 7^th February – After a quiet day, during which Hopalong had gone out with Gemma, the evening came, and Ricky Organ was out with Jayne. The Chemist was attached to the sofa, and Squirrel and G Man headed into Didsbury and the Dog and Partridge. Dodging rain they got to Fallowfield and the Great Central, where they met up with Amanda and after a few drinks there they headed into town with the intention of going to Funkademia. However the queue encouraged them to go in Font for a few first, and after a few in there they came out and headed back to Chez Didsbury. Once back Squirrel finished the tequila, while attempting a viewing of tank girl. Needless to say sleep came before the end of the film.

Sunday 8^th February – A Sunday game, broke up a day of watching sport, and once back from five a side, an old favourite of the Sunday night film genre, The Wicker man, was the evening’s viewing.

Monday 9th February – It’s at this point that you realise that perhaps this section should be written on a day by day basis, as at the end of a fortnight, events have blurred into one, and you can’t quite pinpoint what happened when.

Tuesday 10th February – Same as above, but there was definitely some football watched.

Wednesday 11th February – Football, both of the watched and played variety. G Man, after a half day from work, and a drinking session had to meet up with mummy and daddy G, and try to appear sober while at Old Trafford.

Thursday 12th February – I did know this when I started writing this section, but I’ve forgotten now, no hold on, Crap TV and Ricky Organ to his next destination on his world tour, this time Nice.

Friday 13th February – Yeah of course we believe you Squirrel, you’re not going out. With G Man off to Essex with Amanda for the weekend, The Chemist met Hopalong in the Parrswood, and were later joined by Squirrel after a late finish at work. The Chemist headed back after a couple, and Squirrel and Hopalong headed to the Clocktower, where they met up with a few of Hopalong’s work colleagues, and the tequilas started. For a change on a Friday XS was the final destination, where they saw Becky, and more tequilas followed, as did dancing, and then the obligatory trip to Abduls.

Saturday 14th February – Hopalong was out of the traps early to meet Gemma in the Parrswood to watch the derby game. Wes struggled over to Chez Didsbury to watch the game after a heavy night in 42^nd Street to find Squirrel quite happily eating the reheated remains of the previous night’s kebab. Wes headed home after the footie to recuperate before a night out. Ricky Organ returned from Nice and spent the evening with Jayne. Squirrel headed to Fallowfield and the Great Central where he was joined by Morning and Wes. After a few quiet ones, some more quiet ones followed in the Friendship, before tequila time was announced by entry to XS, where they again met Becky. Many drinks later saw Morning heading home, and at throwing out time there was mingerville.

Sunday 15th February – A quiet non drinking day saw lots of football, and a strangely upbeat Sunday night film in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Monday 16th February – Squirrel sneaked off to Chorley for a date, and elsewhere the normal lounging thing was taking place.

Tuesday 17th February – G Man was hiding in his room with Amanda, The Chemist and Hopalong were out, presumed at the gym, and hours of MTV.

Wednesday 18th February – After 5-a-side, Ricky Organ, G Man, Dancing and Turkish met up in the Dog and Partridge for a few quiet ones to watch the England game.

Thursday 19th February – Ricky Organ’s parents made an appearance and in a bid to fool the masses, he took some bottles to the bottle bank. G Man was out presumed with Amanda. Can’t believe Spiderman was the film of the evening.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

Ricky Organ – I’ve worked in a gym, and they’re right thick bastards that work there.

Blondie (Looking out of the window overlooking Lincoln Square) – No way is that saddo drawing a picture of Albert Lincoln.

Seeks (Talking about his elastic band ball) – It’s like the child I never had. (Editor’s Note – This was before it was kidnapped)

Blondie – I had a prawn curry last night and it was minging. It was really fishy.

Hopalong – You know if you have a mouse on your computer, what if you have more? Are they mouses or mice?

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 20th February - I know you may have heard these words before, but the rumours are that it’s going to be a taking it easy night. Especially as Squirrel will need to behave a little bit more than usual.

Saturday 21st February – Casino (Viva Las Vegas) night at Dickie Boy’s, for some reason save as many 10p pieces as possible

Sunday 22nd February – A Sunday night film, plus a bit of football watching, unless there is something wrong with the Chez Didsbury TV

Thursday 26^th February – Thank the stars this is before Squirrel’s pay day.

Friday 27^th February – Unfortunately this is not, but there’s also a party at Amanda’s, which could obviously get messy.

Saturday 28th February – However, it couldn’t possibly get as messy as this. It’s the Surerandomality day out doing the Didsbury Dozen (plus a couple more), cue chaos.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – Squirrel, Back to back star man performances, and a successful date. He’s been replaced by a new model hasn’t he?

Chump of the Fortnight – Justin. Granted we’ve not seen sight or sound of him recently, but he deserves the title anyway.

READER’S LETTERS

Yes people, yet again you have proved beyond a living doubt that there is not one single one person out there that could be classified as Mr or Mrs Current Affairs. A half blind dyslexic chimpanzee suffering from Alzheimer’s would make more sense than you, and while I’m on that topic. Ethel our esteemed post room lady is now beginning to stink. I asked Peaches to do something about her, but was just told she wasn’t a bloody witch doctor. I really must get a doctor in here soon. Anyway, all bets are off as the letters start.

First up is a Doreen Titmuss, who moans, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, it’s gone far beyond the stage where it’s a joke. Stop this insanity now" It’s people like you that keeps things like this going, if you didn’t write in, then it wouldn’t continue, would it my pedigree chum.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Manheim Friedfeld, from Hannover, Germany, with this witty ditty, “Für was hat er ein Tee der gemütlich ist auf seinem Kopf? Wir besprechen Franky "ich habe ein Problem mit Spielen" fickend Vier Finger Doug. Wo ist der Stein? Nehmen Sie ein pisst? Dann vermute ich wir sind ermordet, bevor wir das Gebäude verlassen, und wir sind zu den Schweinen zugeführt. Wenn alle Wetten ab sind kann, dort kein Geld kann nicht dort sein? Ich ficke nicht Kaufen das.” No people, I didn’t and you didn’t (with the exception of Austrian Kol) understand a single word of what he just said.

Meanwhile Casey Bush, from New Orleans, Louisiana, write and confesses, “One night I got really drunk with some friends and ended up having anal sex with my best friends girlfriend. The worse part is he thought she was a virgin. I will always think of her as my brown eye girl.” That’s probably a little bit more information than we really needed to know.

Next up is an Ann-marie Robson, from Heaton Chapel, Manchester, who complains, “I couldn’t believe that the last issue of Surerandomality didn’t have the next part of the story. It’s always the first bit I look for and after a fortnight of anticipation I get to the section to find “unfortunately missing in action this week, as I really don’t have time to type up what I’ve written”. Please don’t do this again, as I need to know what happens next.” You’re not the only one, it’s a big a mystery to me as it is to you what’s going to happen next.

Meanwhile, in response to Sam Cooke’s (wasn’t he still a soul star?) letter, a Cork & Kerry Mountains (have we moved onto Thin Lizzy now?) add, “We found massive crème egg that had 6 yokes in it, that’s got to be better than a double yoker. We found it in a six pack that we’d left out in the sun one afternoon.” You are a pair of yokers aren’t you? Cos god help us if you’re not.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

The voice came from all around him, “Mayday indeed. Don’t you find it strange that a traditional English Holiday is used for a term that indicates that there is trouble ahead?”

He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off before he could. “Please don’t answer, let me continue. You see after all, it’s not really that strange. Mayday was actually taken from a pagan ceremony that involved singing and dancing as an offering so that their crops would grow without trouble that year. Yet it was then taken by Christian farmers to celebrate the end of the planting season, and yet here we are centuries using it a word to get help so that trouble may be avoided.”

“Anyway enough of me pontificating, as you may be able to guess, there will be no white knights on steeds coming to the aid of the damsel in distress, or even yourself for that matter. You see, all frequencies to and from this particular plane are directed to myself only. With all the money and time I’ve spent on these plans to get you all together, I wasn’t going to chance that one of you would do what you’ve just managed once all the crew was dead.”

“I can see that you are disturbed by the dismissal of my staff in such a manner, but for what I’ve planned, no one else must be allowed to know the whole plan, and certainly no group of people should be allowed to piece things together. The only ones that will know everything will be yourselves when it is all over, and by then it won’t matter who knows.”

He glanced anxiously at the controls in the cockpit, and yet again the voice picked up on what he was looking at. “Don’t worry about the controls, this is the most sophisticated and largest radio controlled plane ever built, though satellite controlled would be a more accurate phrase. I have a team here that will bring that plane in under greater control than if the pilots were still alive.”

“So, why kill all the staff in the air, “ he finally managed to get out. “Surely there would have been better opportunities, with less shock and gore.”

The voice laughed softly before starting again, “Always the one with the questions aren’t you. I really do wonder what was different with you. There really is no logical reason why all the effort and work didn’t take the same in you, as it did in the rest of your fellow passengers.”

“Didn’t you realise that’s what happened to you five years ago? Everyone on this plane was taken to rooms similar to the one you obviously remember. You all had, what was then, the most advanced silicon implants placed into the base of you skulls. Along with this came an intense course of subliminal impressioning to mould the way you would act in the future. You were effectually programmed to do certain items of work in your respective fields and to be in certain places at certain times.”

“There were safety measures put into the implants. They were designed to keep your features the same. Although the programming was felt to be infallible, and set along side the implants, I had to safeguard against the slightest chance that one of you would find out that you’d been programmed, and did something to escape the fate laid out for you. Therefore part of the implant helped to control such items as hair growth and metabolism rate. If anyone tried to change their hair to alter their appearance, or lost or put on weight, then the implant would kick in. In your case, and the rest of the males, the need to shave stopped, so that you couldn’t grow beards or moustaches. If some one had a shift in weight then the implant would kick in and alter the metabolism rate to combat the change. It also stopped hair growth, and made the hair grow in a particular way. If it was changed, then the implant would kick in, and in less than 24 hours the appearance would be back to how it was before the change. Not only that, but the programming stressed happiness to all of you about the way you look and was set up to stop you from changing your appearance.”

“In the five years since we implanted and programmed you, only one person has attempted to change the way they look at all. Obviously I don’t need to add that that person was you, and your attempts to change your hairstyle, almost as if you were experimenting with it. You are like the single piece that doesn’t fit. There is no one that has been involved in this project that understands just what it is about you that allows the level of deviation from the programming seen in you.”

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (or not)

In what surely must be a format nicked from Bravo, sees Sky One have the lunacy that stands as Britain’s Hardest man. With bloater, and soap hard man Steve McFadden (Phil Mitchell) as narrator, and the Geordie British Ultimate Fighting Champion (which basically means he gets his ass kicked outside Britain) as referee, it lines up six so called Hard Men each week who through a series of ridiculous tests, are eliminated until there is only one. First up this week was the smash through the door test. Lined up are six doors made of wood and corrugated cardboard, which by any means necessary they must break through in the quickest time possible. Two of these Hard Men didn’t even manage to get through the first door, but were saved from elimination by the lunatic who used his head to break through the last door, and was subsequently carted off to hospital with concussion. Next up was the keep the car at bay test, where a car with no brakes was on the back of a tow truck, and they had to keep it there for the longest time as the bed of the tow truck was lowered. Then comes the holding your breath test, as a tank of water is gradually filled with water, and they have to stay with their head in the tank for the longest time possible before pulling the emergency chain to let the water out, and breath back in. This was obviously not in the training plan for one of the poor unfortunates on this show as, as soon as the water got to his mouth you could see the panic on his face, and he pulled the chain while he was still able to breath normally. Next up is the make a car shorter test, where they had to make a car small enough to push under a metal girder, and they all went for the sledgehammer beat the fuck out of the car and jump on the roof technique, some more successfully than others. It does beg the question of why none of them slashed all the fucking tyres. Then down to two it a fight to push your opponent off a round platform twice out of three attempts. This is somewhat reduced as a spectacle, by not allowing any head shots, no kicked, use of knees or elbows and no head butting. Not only that but no knives or shooters either. Leading to all in wrestling, and a shoving contest. The winner went to the final, and unfortunately Steve was back mumbling on our screens, you just know they wanted Vinnie Jones to do it instead.

Over 2500 left-handed people a year are killed using products made for right-handed people

This impressive Roman wall and site of the Roman public baths is the largest surviving wall in Britain. The wall itself was the dividing wall between the Roman baths and the exercise hall that would have stood where St. Nicholas Church stands today.

It is unknown as to the where the name for the wall came from , but it is thought that there are two likely explanations. 1. That it was named after a community of Jews that used to live in the town until 1250 when they were expelled by the town charter brought in by Simon de Montfort, 6^th Earl of Leicester. 2. It was associated with the wailing wall in Jerusalem, which was the only surviving wall of the great Jewish temple that was destroyed by the Romans.

The ruins as they are laid out today were excavated during the 1930’s, and were at the time thought to have been the forum / marketplace of the Roman town. However the forum / marketplace has since been found to have lay underneath where St. Nicholas Circle is today. It was then found that the ruins were in fact the public baths, and the layout of these can be seen when looking at the ruins from a raised view. The baths themselves would have been in the style of what Turkish baths are like rather than the swimming pool style we know today.

At ground level next to the ruins is the Jewry Wall museum, which houses the Leicestershire archaeological collection, with pieces from prehistoric times right through to medieval times. The upper level(s) of the building houses Vaughan College, the adult education part of Leicester University.

For god loved the world so much that he gave his only son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life.

As opposed to the version of Austin 3:16 “I’m going to open a can of Whoop-ass on you”.

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, There are 527,040 minutes are there in a leap year. The winner of a Stopwatch is a Olive Ong, from Oxford, Oxfordshire. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, who is the only person to appear in films based on screenplays by both Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarentino? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 3rd March wins a copy of the pulp fiction screenplay.

JOKES

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

A wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?" he stutters. "I didn't," she answers. "The mailman found it on your night-stand."

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts Stop that! To which the waiter replies, Sure, which way did it go?

The big time hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a while and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

What's Dwight Yorke & The Israeli Army got in common? Neither of them pulled out of Jordan.

Two sharks are swimming in the Mediterranean eating muscles, one says to the other: "I'm bored of these muscles, fancy going Morecambe for a Chinese?"

Cockle pickers wages are to rise to £2 per hour to enable them to keep their heads above water.

Police have found 18 pairs of shoes in Morecambe bay, they were all winkle pickers.

Why can’t you get served in a Chinese restaurant in Morecambe......because they are waiting for the staff to wash up

Due to recent bad weather Morecambe council have reviewed their sea defences after they found several chinks in their harbour wall.

One of the Chinese at Morecambe phoned his mum on a mobile before he drowned, she asked where are you ringing from, he replied from the waist downwards!

Police have named 5 of the victims who died at Morecambe Bay at the weekend. They are, 1. Way Ding, 2. Drow Ning, 3. Sin King, 4. Lef Too Dy, and 5. Ty Dis Hi

They misheard the boss when he said stop cockle picking when the water gets to knee high, NEE HI WAS WAITING IN THE VAN

What's the difference between the tide and immigration officers? At least the tide catches the bastards!

New entry into the Chinese charts, straight in at number 1... The Tide Is High (but I'm holding on)

Because of the recent success of the Chinese cockle-picking trip, it has been decided to open up the trip to Turks, Afghans and Iraqis.

Police have named 2 more of the Chinese cockle pickers, Lin Tu Deep, Swim Lo, Fuk en Nippy and Mee Cants Wim

Jordan and Peter Andre are having sex in the jungle when they hear a noise. Jordan says 'Is that Johnny Rotten?' Peter answers 'I fucking hope not, its the only one I've got!

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."

A Husband Shopping Centre has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend. There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking. "Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?" So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping.

A man goes to his doctor and says, 'Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. 'It's all cleared up!' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me? ''Lipstick remover.'

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg. The farmer said, 'That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.' 'So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the tourist asked. 'Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he woke us all up.' 'So,' the tourist asked again, 'why does that pig have a wooden leg?' 'Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!'

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" Dunno...Never found the head

A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try. After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?" "Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc." "So, Dad, do you have a nickname?" "Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

Amen Corner – (If Paradise is) Half as Nice – Immediate IM 081, Written by Battisti & Fishman

Led by Andy Fairweather-Low, Amen paradise had had reasonable chart success in the late sixties, this chart topper was there first release for their new record label Immediate. Hitting number one in it’s third week on the chart it stayed at number one for two weeks during the main period of psychedelia.

Babylon Zoo was Jas Mann, who played all the instruments for this chart topper as well as providing vocals. It came straight into the charts at number one and stayed there for five weeks on the back of yet another Levi’s advertising campaign. Had a couple of minor hits after and then faded away. Hit at a time when it was still unusual for a new act to come straight into the chart at number one.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

This issue’s artist impression has been replaced by a rant at the recently revealed MTV Base top 22 MC’s of all time. Obviously voted for by the under 20’s, with the occasional adult vote, you could see that things were going to get messy, when first up at number 22 was Chuck D. As the list went on, it became clear that the people who did the voting failed to realise the difference between MC, and rap icons. Not only that but on two occasions groups had made it into the top ten. Just a note for future reference, an MC is a single person, and groups are made up of two or more MC’s. Granted with the two groups in question, Run DMC, and the Beastie Boys work by not having any single individual as a stand out vocalist, and would grace any top 22 hip hop / rap act list, but that wasn’t what was being voted on. Anyway, the top ten in reverse order, with critical comments. 10. Missy Elliott. Granted someone I’d consider as number 2 female MC, and would hit my own top 22, but not top 10 material. 9. Beastie Boys. See previously my comments about groups. 8. Lil Kim. An absolute fucking disgrace, she wouldn’t even get into a top 10 female list. Couldn’t rap her way out of one of her tiny little outfits. 7. Dre. The all time number one hip hop / rap producer, but as a rapper, he was fifth choice in NWA for crying out loud. 6. Rakim. Another travesty, but for a different reason, see my top 10. 5. Jay Z, another who reaches my own top ten but not this high. 4. Nas. A less talented blueprint on the Jay Z thing, might scrape into my top 22 at a push. 3. Eminem. Hype gets the number 3 spot, though to be fair is good lyrically, and has a unique style, though hasn’t suffered any from Dre production! 2. Notorious BIG. Famous for being shot and P Diddy’s mate, not bad, but not number 2 in this or any other lifetime. Which leaves 1. 2pac. I’ll try to keep this short. Number 1 for being a style icon. A dancer in Digital Underground, and not allowed near a mic. Was out rapped by Dre on California Love, and you’ve already seen what I think of his rapping. Decent actor. Crap rapper.

1. Rakim. The master, plain and simple, the guide for everyone who came after, and the innovator of the whole scene. Unique voice and delivery. The most sampled man in rap, for good reason.

2. Chuck D. The voice of public enemy, distinctive style, and political content that had everyone running scared.

3. Melle Mel. The voice of original hip hop, as leader of Grandmaster Flash’s furious five, brought social commentary to a rap scene that had only had boasting contests.

4. Big Daddy Kane. The smoothest man alive, with the fastest delivery you ever heard and understood.

5. Ice T. Years ahead, introduced gangster rap 5 years before the public wanted to hear it.

6. Erick Sermon. Part of EPMD, and the most laid back delivery style imaginable.

7. LL Cool J. Nearly twenty years of being at the top, managing to stay with the scene and remain individual.

8. Eminem. Will he be on this list in 5 years, probably, will he get higher? Probably not.

9. Roxanne Shante. The original and best female MC. One second and the voice is there, no mistaking her.

10. Jay Z. Deceptive delivery, and amazing writing style. Quantity sometimes diminishes quality.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

2 Many DJ’s – As heard on radio soulwax all volumes and the hang all DJ’s mixes.

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Well, it finally happened, and there is a new leader, unfortunately it’s that cock again, and haven’t we all heard about it. It is every citizen’s duty to go out and shoot Dodd, Sorensen, Van Nistlerooy, Lampard and Terry, to prevent the abomination of the Cherokee Hair Tampons from winning the league.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1204
2nd	Molineux Misfits	1152
3rd	Chelle's Allstars	1141
4th	Tip Top Team	1121
5th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1103
6th	Seek'em & Destroy	1102
7th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1052
8th	Wednesday Wannabes	1044
9th	Full Gun Lollipops	1044
10th	Magpie City FC	1034
11th	Westside XI	1008
12th	Nic	990
13th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	979
14th	Shit or Bust	953
15th	Reigning 3rd Placers	948
16th	Requiem For A Team	937
17th	No use for a name	916
18th	Russian Gold	912
19th	Andy	907
20th	The World's Smallest Violin	893
21st	Owen	882
22nd	MUP(pet)S	878
23rd	Nez	768
24th	The Unidumpers	725
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	611
26th	Whipping Boys	559
	Upto and Including 15th February

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

In a top of the table clash Hit the Bar were up against another of the old foes, Dehulberto La Cortina. With a man advantage and their recent good form, it was thought that HTB could spring a victory, and with the scores level at half time at 3 apiece and the Dehulberto boys looking tired it seemed that it might be on. An early second half goal saw them take the lead, but they were deflated when Dehulberto equalised straight from the kick-off. Another couple of goals saw HTB trailing 6-4 halfway through the second half when eventually one of the new boy Hew’s pile drivers dragged them back to 6-5, however another Dehulberto goal saw them shut up shop and the match end in a disappointing 7-5 defeat.

Squirrel – Not bad, not brilliant either, made some tidy stops, but had no chance with a couple of the goals - 7

G Man – Probably his worst ever performance, failed to score and never really got into his game and second half own goal summed up the performance - 5

Ricky Organ – Not in the sharpest of form, a steady if unspectacular performance saw him grab a first half goal - 6

Hew – Not a bad debut, ran and tackled well and combined with team mates to good effect, got a decent goal to net the - SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN 7

Nez – A hat trick in the normal kind of performance, was another that wasn’t at the pinnacle of his game, and let himself down with some pretty blatant fouls. - 7

This match against unknown quantity Vasko de Gatley was never going to be easy. Hit The Bar were down to the bare bones for the second time in three games, with Dancing coming in for G-Man (who was busy watching his premiership side's title chances fade) and Hew off busy doing whatever it is that he does. Vasko meanwhile had six keen young lads ready to play, along with one other of questionable gender. The game started well for HTB but, after some early chances were wasted, they found themselves one down against the run of play. However, some fine work from Nez and Ricky Organ produced a few great goals and, thanks to some fantastic keeping, HTB went in at half-time with a healthy lead. The ref was in no mood to hang around and the second half began with HTB struggling to stand unaided. An increasingly tired HTB struggled to hold on but managed to keep their noses in front thanks to some timely strikes from Dancing. As the end of the match approached, HTB showed their tactical awareness by utilising Squirrel in goal as much as possible and frustrating the opposition's attempts to get back into the game. A well-fought 9-6 victory justified HTB's second place in the league.

Squirrel - When Ashford and Simpson sang "And now it's solid (Oh), Solid as a rock" they surely must have been inspired by Hit The Bar's keeper. A string of outstanding saves in the first half and an accomplished second half display led one member of Vasko to conclude, "he's like a brick wall", albeit with a layer of moss growing on top. A match-saving performance earns him SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 9

Ricky Organ - Some excellent interplay with Nez in the first half helped HTB established the cushion that they needed. More provider than finisher yet he also claimed one for himself. Drifted in and out of the game in the second half, but would more often than not be available to receive possession from Squirrel when the rest were marked/knackered - 8

Nez - The other half of the early goal-scoring partnership, he deservedly added three well-taken goals to his tally. Some excellent periods of play but tired rapidly and was only a shadow of his usual self in the second half. However, he blocked, battled and tackled when it counted - 8

Dancing - A non-descript first half with a hat-trick of missed one-on-ones with the keeper, although a superb goal from a strike from within his own half redeemed him slightly. By the second half he had more stitches than Frankenstein's monster but always seemed to score when HTB needed them most and added an excellent hat-trick, this time of the right kind, to his first half goal - 8

Owen - Like the others, he faded in and out of the match. Did some excellent work in holding the ball up early on and played some intelligent passes. Scored a corker in the first half but then had to concentrate on defence in the second, and did a fine job too. A solid display - 8

A strangely subdued build-up preceded this clash against tough-tackling, and bottom-of-the-league, Inter Pie and Chips. For the second time in two weeks a team was only just scraped together, with G-Man and Turkish back in action but Nez unable to make the early start. Hit The Bar don't take no shit from nobody these days and point blank refused Pie and Chips' pre-kick off request to have more than the one permitted keeper swap. The game got underway at a steady tempo, but with neither side finishing well. At 1-1 the game was starting to become more open, and Hit The Bar's defence was developing more holes than a packet of Polos. As the shots rained in on Squirrel, he embarked upon a remarkable display of shot stopping and kept HTB in the game as they went in at half-time only 5-3 down. HTB have never claimed they are fit enough to play a full game with only five, and this was the case as they tired rapidly in the second half. A couple of attempts at a spirited comeback were thwarted each time by Pie and Chips scoring a couple of outstanding long-range goals. The final result: 14-8 to the bad guys.

Squirrel - closely resembling a flipper on a pinball machine, there was a period of play when anything hit goal-bound would just come bouncing straight back out. Unfortunately as the game wore on, the ball kept going down that little back chute which the flipper is powerless to stop. A great display and SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN - 8

Dancing - some great displays of dribbling but all of them ineffectual as he invariably left the ball behind. Some good shots that the keeper saved well but overall disappointing. His misery was complete when the ball rebounded off Squirrel and then off him, and into his own net. - 6

G-Man - bursts of energy and good tackling were interspersed with some average play. Will be pleased to add five goals to his tally but if the result's not there, it takes the shine off the performance. He's played better, but then he's played worse - 7

Turkish - suffered from the lack of an available sub more than most but his spirit was good. Too often in the first half he became isolated up front but the second half saw a more team-oriented and determined display. Scored one but perhaps should have added a couple more - 6

Ricky Organ - was involved in a couple of nice passing moves and finished a couple of them off with goals. However he too tired rapidly and often came off second best in the tackle. Didn't really seem up for this one but will undoubtedly be back to his best next week against Ashton - 6

Scoring Chart. Nez 19, G Man 18, Dancing 10, Ricky Organ 9, The Chemist 4, Owen 2, Hew 1, Turkish 1

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	8	8	0	0	100	36	0	24
HIT THE BAR	8	5	3	0	74	63	0	15
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	8	5	3	0	85	87	0	15
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	8	3	4	1	45	57	0	10
ASHTON ATHLETIC	8	3	5	0	68	69	0	9
VASKO DE GATLEY	7	2	4	1	59	62	0	7
EXPOTEL	7	2	5	0	46	63	0	6
INTER PIE & CHIPS	8	2	6	0	47	87	0	6

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Slow into action but once in the swing of things he can be a force to be reckoned with. Needs to be out and about early to figure.

RANDOM LIST

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

First – A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to be harmed.

Second – A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the 1^st law.

Third – A robot must protect it’s own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the 1^st or 2^nd law.

Zeroth – A robot may not injure humanity or through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

NEW See if you can do a better job than the plastic surgeons and rebuild Jacko’s face from scratch, just click on the following link http://www.alexanderband.dk/dragson/index.htm

NEW See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight. Blondie, H, Dancing, Ricky Organ, G Man, Vic, Gordon, & Seeks.

Arsenal
Founded						1886
Turned Professional						1891
Admitted to the League						1893
Previous Names						Dial Square, Royal Arsenal, Woolwich Arsenal
Nickname (s)						The Gunners, Scum
Ground						Highbury
Capacity						38,500
Previous Grounds						Plumstead Common, Sportsman Ground, Manor Ground, Invicta Ground
Seasons in Each Division
1						87
2						13
3						0
4						0
Trophies
League Champions						1930-31, 1932-33, 1933-34, 1934-35, 1937-38, 1947-48, 1952-53, 1970-71, 1988-89, 1990-91, 1997-98, 2001-02
FA Cup						1930, 1936, 1950, 1971, 1979, 1993, 1998, 2002, 2003
League Cup						1987, 1993
Charity Shield
UEFA Cup						1970
Cup Winners Cup						1994
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by two ex Nottingham Forest players (where they got the red jerseys from) at the Dial Square works of the Royal Arsenal in Woolwich in 1886. They changed their name to Woolwich Arsenal in 1891 and became a member of Division 2 two years later. They wormed their way from their south London home to a new ground in North London, and dropped the Woolwich from there name, thanks to a large (possibly illegal) influx of cash from mystery investors.
Synopsis - Major Events						Originally in the second division they got promoted to the top flight, but quick relegation. After bribing their way back into the top flight just after the first world war they have managed to remain there ever since. They were the team of the 1930’s and were always in with a chance of winning trophies. They became the fourth club to win the double in 1971.
Synopsis - Recent times						Under George Graham in the late eighties and early nineties they became boring boring Arsenal, and won a couple of league titles, and then under Arsene Wenger they have become the main rivals to Manchester United and won they’re second double in 1998. However due to a curious affliction, their manager says that he “didn’t see it” about any of their triumphs.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						They hold the record for the longest unbroken spell in the top flight. They are the only club to have bribed their way to promotion, despite finishing 4 places outside the promotion places the previous season. They were the second club to achieve a hat trick of consecutive League titles. They were the 4^th club and 2^nd in the 20^th century to record the league and FA Cup double, and the 2^nd to do it twice.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
430	129		54		32			396		180		89		65		61		287		208		773
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
10^th		4^th		12^th			5^th		3^rd		1^st		2^nd		2^nd		2^nd		1^st		2^nd