Surerandomality

A few stories that you may have missed in the last fortnight, though it has to be said, if you actually tried reading the newspapers then you might actually see them first time round.

A customer who had just withdrawn 1,000 euros (US$1,260) from a bank in Lisbon, Portugal, was confronted by a man who shouted, "This is a robbery!" and grabbed the money. He was armed with a tree branch. Other customers, not terribly intimidated by the branch, tackled the unnamed 46-year-old robber, beat him up, and held him for police. A police spokesman said officers "have never dealt with thieves trying to rob banks with branches before." - So the tit tries to rob a bank branch with a branch, what kind of “stick” up did he think he was pulling

After his rape conviction, Thomas Ingrassia, 47, was sent to a "civil commitment unit" for sex offenders in Farmington, Mo. Ingrassia cut through the fence and escaped, leaving the local sheriff "flabbergasted" when he learned state law prohibited escape from prisons and criminal mental health facilities, but not the sex offender facility. "I had researched it," Ingrassia said following his capture after two years on the lam. "Missouri's so quick to make up laws without researching whether it's proper. They're idiots." The only charge he currently faces is property damage -- for cutting the facility's fence to escape. - The law (especially in certain parts of the states) is an ass.

When a commercial truck broke through the ice and sank in the Irtysh River in the Omsk region of Russia, the government mounted a rescue operation. Not to save the driver, who escaped before it went under, but rather its cargo: 10 tons of beer. The Emergency Situations Ministry sent troops and a tank, which managed to pull up the beer after 24 days in the ice water. The truck, however, proved more stubborn and was left behind. - The lengths some people will go to for a cold beer.

When a man stepped up to a teller at a bank in Vancouver, Wash., he didn't show or imply he had a weapon, but he handed over a note demanding cash. The teller gave him some -- and hit the silent robbery alarm. But the man thought the teller was a bit stingy, so he asked for more. At that point, the bank's manager stepped up. He convinced the robber to go into a conference room with him to talk it over. When the robber stepped into the conference room, everyone in the bank -- including the manager -- "walked out the front," a police spokeswoman says. Cops surrounded the building and arrested Forrest W. Chasteen, 50. Since he didn't brandish a gun, he was charged with second-degree burglary. - Not much really, a few coins.

Jon Blake Cusack, a self-described "engineering geek" in Holland, Mich., says it took awhile to convince his wife, Jamie, that it just wouldn't do to name their newborn son "Junior". She finally agreed, and they named the boy Jon Blake Cusack 2.0. Jamie says she polled friends about the 2.0 moniker; men said the name was "cool", but few women liked it. - eh? Who? What kind of moron thinks 2.0 is a Cool name, and before you start, it was a rhetorical question.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

The Residents (including unofficial ones) have been served NOTICE TO QUIT Chez Didsbury, and have to be out by May 1^st.

KIDNAPPING HORROR

Seeks’ Elastic Band Ball was kidnapped over three weeks ago by someone calling themselves the Elastic Band Liberation Front. So far they have sent him two ransom demands, and a postcard allegedly from the elastic band ball, which they are calling bandy.

Seeks is understandably gutted, having raised the ball from nothing when he first started work at Nat West as a teenager, and seeing it grow to it’s softball size as it was when it was kidnapped.

Therefore if anyone has information that can help in the solving of this terrible crime, please contact us at the earliest opportunity. All contact will be dealt with in strictest confidence. Thanks for your cooperation.

EDITORIAL

Welcome to Surerandomality When Irish Eyes Are Smiling. The rumours that indicate that my head hurts are probably true, personally I wouldn’t know because I can’t feel my head as it appears to have gone into hibernation up my arse. King busy of the little bastards might be one way to describe me in the last fortnight, as there has been so much going on all over the place it’s been difficult to catch breath. There have been more blackouts than the north east American power gird in the time continuum this fortnight, so you’ve been lucky little bastards to get this at all. Don’t ask me when the next event is, or where it is, as we need to check to see which venues we’re allowed back into. Yes mate you told us, BUT, Basically here it is.

THE DIARY

Friday 20th February – Squirrel met Cath on the way home from work, and once back at Chez Didsbury there was a full house. Hopalong was suffering from a chest infection and was in his room. Cath was similarly unwell, and stayed in with Squirrel. Meanwhile, The Chemist, Ricky Organ, G Man & Amanda headed into Didsbury and to the Dog & Partridge, where after a few drinks, Amanda said she wasn’t feeling too well either and with G Man they headed home where she became the latest to pick up the moniker of puke girl.

Saturday 21st February – Not much motion from most of the residents, with only G Man out at football where he met up with Baby G, who after Football, and along with another of his mates from Harrogate went to Ye Olde Cock for some afternoon beers, with a brief stop and having picked up puke girl somewhere along the way they went for a curry in Rusholme, before heading to Font. Elsewhere it was Casino night at Dickie Boys. Cath still being unwell stayed in leaving Hopalong, Ricky Organ, The Chemist, and Squirrel going, the usual pharmacy suspects including Dan were there, but it wasn’t the most organised evening ever. Squirrel had to be Croupier for the roulette as no one else knew the rules. When people started leaving Squirrel and Hopalong made an escape, with Hopalong off to Gemma’s, and Squirrel back home. Such was the life at the party both that The Chemist and Ricky Organ were sleeping, and when they woke they thought it was a good idea for The Chemist to drive back.

Sunday 22nd February – More lounging, watching sport, and a film somewhere along the line, random people in and out all day, but such is life.

Monday 23rd February – Hazy recollections, so basically your guess is as good as mine, and probably better.

Tuesday 24th February – Football watching, except for The Chemist & Phil who went to the Didsbury celebrating The Chemist’s birthday

Thursday 26th February – Chorley for Squirrel to meet Cath and an early night.

Friday 27th February – Straight from Work, G Man & Chris went to Ye Olde Cock, and after a quick drop off of G Man’s car they headed into town and the Paramount where they met up with Squirrel. After a couple, a food stop at KFC was called for, before a bus to Fallowfield and Amanda’s fancy dress house party. After mingling and chatting, the first to disgrace themselves was Chris, with yet another bout of puking, this time while queuing for the toilets, soon after he passed out on the sofa, and almost in sympathy, Squirrel passed out on the chair opposite. They were woken up for the bus journey back to Chez Didsbury, however Squirrel kept trying to get on the wrong bus, and once on the right one refused to get off once in Didsbury, he then hid round the corner when it was kebab time. Meanwhile back at the party an outbreak of shagging in the toilet led to someone queuing to give up and shit on Jo’s desk. Then to top things off there was a fight. Well there was also Squirrel managing to wake Zac’s mum at 4am and 6am while pissed and lying on his phone sleeping in the lounge.

Saturday 28th February – Didsbury Dozen, who’s fucking stupid idea was this? This will get messy was probably understatement of the year. First out was Wes, with Chris in the pub at roughly the same time, Me Laird, Squirrel & Zac arrived at Ye Olde Cock soon afterwards, and were joined by G Man & Amanda, then Dancing & Rob and finally Owen, Nez & Loz. Double breakfast was the order of the day for Squirrel, and Me Laird wimping out of drinking at all in the first pub, before the call of next pub came. The Didsbury, boring warm beer, loss of most of agenda down the toilet, start of deviation from schedule. After leaving early there were a large number of people heading to the bookies, where they were joined by the somewhat slack Ricky Organ. The next pub was the Famous Crown, and Me Laird had no drink again. Next pub, just across the road to the Royal Oak, and at this early stage the scousers, Nez, Owen & Loz, were beginning to lag. Deathly quiet. Next pub, Fletcher Moss, where there were revelations that Rob used to be Justin’s lodger, and accusations that the party were students. Next pub, Pitcher & Piano, more lagging, again no drinking from Me Laird. Next pub saw the halfway point in The Nelson, which was fairly crowded by the locals, joined by Alison. Next pub Clock Tower, lose Chris after he goes for kebab, and G Man wriggles out of drinking. Me Laird goes off to get his ex. Next Pub, Dog & Partridge, Starting to get messy, the scousers seriously starting to lag by this stage. Next pub O’Neill’s lost G Man and Amanda for the rest of the evening on the way. Joined by Dec Phil & Maybs, last known point at which the scouse slackers were seen. Next Pub Hogshead, getting disjointed as Wes, Rob & Squirrel move into overdrive. Next pub Pear Tree, which Dancing manages to miss, The Chemist and Hopalong join the remnants of the survivors before they all head to pub fourteen on the list, missing the Station, which only Wes, Rob & Squirrel manage to negotiate. Rob quite happily on the wine, Me Laird back out, now with his ex, rugby tackle by Zac on Ricky Organ on the way into the Slug & Lettuce, after Ricky Organ had held traffic up and shouted abuse at the female driver of a passing car. Squirrel fell asleep on a bar stool, and was subsequently ejected. The Chemist took exception to something Wes said to him and left. Wes, Zac & Squirrel head to Fallowfield. First stop in Fallowfield was XS, but contrary to popular belief there are some standards there, and there was no service, as they were too pissed. Undeterred by this hint and a half they’d had too much they staggered across the road into the Great Central, where, somewhat worryingly given the number of bouncers on the door, access was granted, and service was granted. Squirrel was ejected again for being too pissed. Zac noticed and after originally following him out went back in to get Wes. They got back out to find that Squirrel had disappeared. (How the fuck do you lose Squirrel, he’s not exactly incon-fucking-spicuous is he?) They went the wrong way & got slapping from scallies outside Orange Grove, and Zac got his phone nicked. Wes wanders off home with a bit of a sore head. Zac finds Squirrel in Abduls (surprise surprise), and they get a bus back to Didsbury (and Squirrel got on the right one and got off without too much prompting as well) and walk back to Chez Didsbury. Ricky Organ is in gobby mood and spends the next half hour giving them shit. Meanwhile The Chemist is headed to Drop Inn for the night.

Sunday 29th February – Ricky Organ, Zac and Squirrel head for the nutritional brunch of Burger King, before Zac heads off back to Leeds. There is football on, and Jayne comes round for the Sunday night film

Monday 1st March – Chris was off work still suffering from weekend. Squirrel was dumped by Cath for his general apathy. However straight from work he met G Man in Ye Olde Cock for a couple before getting a curry at Sangam 2, and another couple in the Dog & Partridge.

Tuesday 2nd March – People out, people in, it’s amazing how quickly time can go when you’re sat round doing nothing.

Wednesday 3rd March – Late night football again meant a chance to watch football before playing and another late night.

Thursday 4th March – No 5^th Ave, though believe me it was fucking tempting, just the same old same old, lounging and preparing for the weekend.

QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT

At a Fancy dress party, after all night dressed in bandages and sunglasses, the “invisible man” returns in normal clothes.

THE SOCIAL CALENDAR

Friday 5th March - Would you believe me if I said there was nothing planned and a quiet night in was planned. No? Thought not.

Saturday 6th March – Would you believe me if I said there was nothing planned and a quiet night in was planned. No? Thought not.

Sunday 7th March – Would you…? Well with it being a Sunday, probably yes. God knows what monstrosity will raise its very ugly head for the Sunday night film, but it’s probably best not knowing.

Monday 8th – Tuesday 9th March – More of the same as usual, i.e. not much motion, but hopefully there’s some football on

Friday 12th March – Would you believe me if I said there was nothing planned and a quiet night in was planned. No? Thought not. Hold on am I getting a sense of Déjà vu here? No, but I am getting the feeling that I’ve said and done this before.

Saturday 13th March – Anyway Ricky Organ is supposedly off down south to meet up with some old friends. Fortunately they don’t know yet, so they might actually turn up.

Sunday 14th March – Tuesday 16th March – At a rough guess it should contain some of the following, a Sunday night film, lounging, watching sport, general apathy, stamp collecting, and dwarf tossing. Don’t worry we’ll make G Man wear a crash helmet.

Wednesday 17th March – Hit the Bar Vs Dehulberto La Cortina, And it’s also St Patrick’s Day, a dangerous combination

Thursday 18th March – The end of another fortnight, though no matter what happens it’ll be hard pushed to compare to the previous one.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Champ of the Fortnight – Seeks, who managed to win 2 king sized Snickers by putting 20 Extra Thin Ice spearmint strips in his mouth in one sitting.

READER’S LETTERS

Now everyone take it easy, but it has been confirmed that Ethel is dead, and has been for at least three weeks, no wonder she was beginning to smell a bit funky. The upside of this however is that it does leave a vacancy in the post room, which means that there will be an application form attached to the next issue, in fact if I’ve pulled my finger out then it might even be attached to this one. I am certainly thinking of getting someone in who is a lot younger, preferably some dizzy young tart with big tits. They can do a shit job, nothing will change there, however the scenery would be a hell of a lot better. Anyway time for you to have your say in the random feedback section of reader’s letters.

First up is a Olivia Gibb, from Belper, Derbyshire, who moans, "I can’t believe you published a letter complaining about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining, about a letter complaining about not being included for complaining, it’s unbelievable that this is going on time after time." No, it’s not, you should have learnt from my previous track record, and there’s absolutely positively no need to end a letter with a Cyndi Lauper lyric.

Anyway back on the complaining tip is Kolin Nolting from Manchester, “I take exception to the suggestion that I am Austrian, as you well know I’m German and hate Austrians.” Yes, you told us, so to make up for it, I will now list your 3 favourite people ever. Paul McCartney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, & Michael Schumacher.

This week’s foreign correspondence comes from a Ricardo Gumez, from Recife, Brazil, who adds, “Sim. Não vá a Inglaterra. Não, Tommy. Há um revólver em seuas calças. O que um revólver faz em seuas calças? Aposto ya boxear um pequeno, não pode senhor de ya? Sim, parece-se um boxeador. Demais apertado? Pode aterrissar um jato gigante de fucking em isso! Eu não cuido se é Muhammad eu sou Lee duro de Bruce! Você não pode mudar lutadores! Estava num ângulo engraçado. Era dois minutos cinco minutos há.” No, I didn’t understand a single word of what he just said, and yes people, you told me, it could have been another letter of complaint.

Meanwhile Becky Manson, of Cleveland Ohio, writes and confesses, “I have to spend time with my father on the weekends. My parents are divorced and I live with my mother. When my father picks me up on the weekends we usually go to the park. Sometimes when we're laying in the grass I'll lean over and kiss him. He doesn't seem to mind so sometimes we'll kiss for awhile. My sister caught us and now she does it too. I've always hated my sister but now I'd like to kill her. I bet I could get away with it too. There is a lake by our house that we go swimming in. If I snuck up and stabbed her, I doubt she'd be able to swim back to shore. Then it'd me and dad again.” Yeah, he’d probably get conjugal visits to your prison.

Finally a Yomi Akin, from somewhere in darkest Surrey (probably Woking), asks, “Those little paper sachets of pepper never seem to contain enough to sprinkle (you can even count the grains). On the other hand the salt sachet seems to have far too much salt than is required for a meal.” Two things, why would anyone want to count the grains of pepper in a sachet, and secondly, you can never have too much salt.

That's it for the letters for this year, BUT there will be more in two weeks time. BUT, only if you’re lucky.

THE FICTION FACTORY

The voice continued, “Not one of the other subjects has ever done anything that could be considered as being out of synch with their programming. All of the staff were programmed in a similar way, to the extent that it was certain that they would all have their meals on this flight as planned. I knew they would all die, and in a place where I have complete control of the situation. So, in answer to your question, no there wasn’t a better opportunity to decommission my staff. It may have been messy, but that was necessary to make sure of death.

There was a brief pause as he looked around, and wondered to himself what he would do, and if he could tell any of this to the rest of the passengers when he went back out.

The voice started again, “According to the analysis of the people who helped in the programming, no one would attempt to find the cockpit, but after watching you be the exception to the rule so many times, I felt it would be unwise not to take every precaution, and prevent you from contact with the outside world at this point.”

“You gave me quite a scare yesterday morning when you dived off the tube like that. It seemed that all my meticulous planning would have gone to waste, and I would have to postpone for the third time. Before you ask, it was you who has caused the previous attempts to be cancelled due to you just deciding to change plans at the last moment, something that the programming should have prevented.”

“It was quite a wild reaction, and it did come as a surprise that Andrea knew who you were when she spoke to you on the tube yesterday morning. Granted, you’re somewhat of a minor celebrity in Philadelphia, and well known in security circles, but not to the extent that Andrea should know who you were. I decided to dig a little more to find some reason for it, and do you know what I found?”

He just stood there frozen. The name Andrea rang bells louder than Quasimodo ever could. His mind raced trying to remember why, but it seemed that the answer was blocked off, and he heard himself saying, “No, please tell me.”

The voice answered, “When we did all our original profiles before we took everyone in for implanting and programming, we tried to ensure that no one knew, or had any knowledge of any of the other subjects. It would seem in your case there was a slight oversight. It was true to say that you’d never been married, but we hadn’t really taken into account your engagement to Claire Fallenfant, which we felt was unnecessary, seeing as she had died two years before we started this project.”

If the research had been even more extensive then the surname would surely have jumped out at us, as how many people have the surname of Fallenfant in this world? Meanwhile it turns out that Andrea Baugmater, the lady you sat next to on the tube, and that gave you such a start, and who is another of the subjects on this plane, is married, and her name at birth was actually Andrea Fallenfant.”

It hit him like a hammer. The resemblance was plain to see, and that was why the name Andrea had rung bells. He’d never actually met Claire’s sister, as she’d moved to Europe before they had met, and although he’d seen photos of her, it was of her as a teenager with the rest of the family.

The voice continued, “Of course, you’d never met her had you? She’d always lived in Europe since before the time you first met Claire, and was somewhat estranged from the rest of the family because of it. It would however, seem that she wasn’t so estranged from Claire that she didn’t know who you were.”

Baise Moi, or as the Q & A with the female directors pointed out Shag Me in English (not fuck me or rape me as some translations have suggested). Basically like a porn version of Thelma & Louise, with more sex, violence, deaths, swearing and drug use. And of course, coming from the Sunday night stable, it includes the obligatory rape scene. Just to make sure that you’re paying full attention, it’s another French film with English subtitles. Two random women meet, steal a car and start a rampage of death, robbery and shagging across France until one meets her maker, and the other then places her own gun at her head. Does she pull the trigger? You’ll have to watch it to find out.

St. Mark’s

Standing on the Belgrave Road, just north of the city centre, this church is said to be the masterpiece of the designer and architect Ewan Christian, who had a large number of dealings with the city and county, both in building new churches, and restoring existing ones. Paid for by the great Leicestershire benefactor William Perry Herrick and his sister Mary, of Beaumanor Hall. It cost £12,000, and was built at the same time as St. Paul’s on Kirby Road. (which only cost £6,000) It is said to be the most exciting Victorian church in the country. It was originally to be dedicated as St. Matthias, but upon William Perry Herrick’s insistence that it be an evangelical church this was changed to be St. Mark’s.

The site was found, and the shape of the church owes to the boundaries forced upon it at the time of building. The foundation stone was laid on 18^th May 1870, and the church was consecrated on St. Mark’s day (25^th April) 1872. The tower is 79 feet high, with the octagonal spire a further 89 feet high. The stepped south wall was Ewan Christian’s way of dealing with the unusual shape of the land, and the rear of the church was originally at an angle.

However in 1904 the adjoining land to the west was purchased and E.C. Shearman extended the church to its state today, building over the vestibule. The nave of the church is a large 60 by 31 feet, and is 53 feet high, with the chancel being the same width and height. The North aisle has a simple wooden sloping roof, in contrast with the rest of the roof which is built in dark slate. The window in the north aisle shows the annunciation, and was created by C. E. Kempe in 1895. The south aisle has the ‘steps’ down the side of the building, the first step contains the baptistery, and has the baptistery window from 1893. The second step originally held the vestry, and then became the all souls’ chapel. In this step is the war memorial window added by Eadie Reid in 1920, the actual war memorial was removed to All Saints church.

However due to urban regeneration the parish changed during the 20^th century, and with it the fortunes of the church went downhill. The Bells from the tower were last used in 1920, as they became unsafe, and there was no money to rehang them, they were moved to St. Saviour’s Cathedral in Goulburn, New South Wales. The Hill organ fell into disrepair, and was moved to St. Agnes’ church in Mosley, Birmingham. Eventually the church was declared redundant in 1986, and left with an uncertain future. The processional cross was presented to Jarrow in 1988, and the hanging cross now stands in St. Albans’s church on Harrison Road. There were calls for the building to be demolished, but it was bought by a Birmingham businessman in 1995, who is carefully transforming it into a function venue.

Holiday – Not as such, but the day when it’s traditional for Women to ask Men to marry them. It was against Scottish law to refuse, but that changed in the 19^th century, where a refusal is possible but only if he bought her some new gloves.

Event – 1974 – World’s worst air disaster, Turkish DC10 crashes in Paris (346 die)

Event – 1991 – Los Angeles police severely beat Rodney King on amateur video.

Holiday – In Hawaii, it’s Japanese Girl’s day. So many Wallace connections it’s untrue

The shortest verse in the bible, and regular phrase in the Squirrel bible

Devised by Ambrose Bierce, the Demon’s (or Devil’s) Dictionary, gives a more cynical view of the definition of words. Each time I shall be including one entry from it.

Words from a bygone age, which used to be in a version of the English Dictionary. Includes their original meanings.

Satyriasis

An irresistible desire in man to have frequent connexion with females, accompanied with the power of doing so without exhaustion. Sometimes the abuse of aphrodisiacs has occasioned it. The principle symptoms are; almost constant erection, irresistible and almost constant desire for venery, and frequent nocturnal pollutions. Cold lotions, the cold bath, a mild diet, active exercise, are the only means that can be adopted for its removal.

RANDOM LIST

The top 10 tea drinking countries, based on annual per capita consumption (figures are cups of tea per person per year).

There are more per capita visits to a public library in Colombia than in any other country.

Colombia has more emeralds, frogs, birds, carnations and orchids than any other country

The first use of Ether as an anaesthetic was in 1842 by Crawford Williamson Long

And in 1884 Josef Brettauer was the first to use Cocaine as a local anaesthetic, while performing an eye operation.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SCHOTT’S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY

PROFANISAURUS ENTRY

COMPETITION TIME

First up the answer to the last competition, The only person to appear in films based on screenplays by both Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarentino is Brad Pitt. The winner of a copy of the pulp fiction screenplay is a Peter Pringle, from Peterborough. Meanwhile this fortnight's quiz is as follows, In which century was the legendary ruler Brian Boru king of Ireland? The first correct answer out of the hat on Wednesday 17th March wins a case of Guinness.

JOKES

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, Quick pour me twelve drinks. So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast. The guys says, Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got. The bartender says, What've you got? The guy says, 75 cents.

Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant? A: Is it mine?

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that?" the host asked. Her reply: "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can!"

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes"

One evening a preschooler, Kristel, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Kristel asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." Upon hearing this Kristel added, "Because Mommy put you in charge, right Daddy?"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?'' ''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married." "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?" "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are discussing what each would like to be said at their funeral. The priest said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who followed the path of Jesus." The Buddhist said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who strived for enlightenment." The rabbi said that he would like someone to say, "LOOK! He's moving!"

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time. "That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other. "Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch. "Really?" "Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. "Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

A man staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. The wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where the man had been until two o'clock in the morning. the man looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?" The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A Scottish Jew who hard worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there and asked why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that" "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman’s parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!!!"

CROSSWORD

SGT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A new addition, check out the details on these on offer people below. If you want to contact any of these good individuals or place an ad yourself then please check out the contact details in the contact information at the end of this issue.

Cockney sparrow, attractive female, mid 40’s, 5ft 6, medium build, with GCH, lots of various interests, WLTM, a genuine tall, well hung, attractive male with GSOH, N/S, 43-50 for a friendship / possible relationship.

Young 74, Jewish Lady, slim, no ties or scarfs, seeks a gentleman to share happy times.

Sensual attractive female, 19, 5ft 3, blonde hair, brown eyes, black box, enjoys clubbing and is always up for a good time, seeks male.

Professional Asian male, own house, car and shop, seeks a female, 35-50 for a relationship and possible serving job.

Retired company executive, OPAC, fit, active and on solvents, seeks a lady for companionship and LTR, and a slapper for some rude sex.

Attractive male, 21, 6ft, seeking an attractive older female, medium build, brown hair, GCH, and own teeth essential.

COFFEE TIME

Well, this was supposed to be a fresh new section, where the new up and coming reporter Nez, brought us a different coffee description and recommendation every issue. However it would seem that he’s not much use to me alive, and has been on a permanent coffee break, as his article has failed to materialise. Hopefully he will have sorted his act out for next time round.

RETRO CHART

NUMERO UNO

The former Supreme’s lead singer’s 37^th UK solo hit, but somewhat surprisingly only her second number one, came courtesy of this Gibb brothers penned track. A steady grower it took seven weeks on the charts before it finally hit number one, and once there managed to stay there for three weeks, and staying around long enough in the charts to become her biggest selling UK hit.

The former Disney child star’s first single release, hit the top of the charts in its very first week on the charts, and in the process broke all records for sales by a debut artist in their first week. (Subsequently broken by a series of pop idol type shit) Despite only staying at the top for two weeks, it was the biggest selling single of the year, racking up well over a million copies sold, making her the youngest ever artist to have a Million seller in this country.

ARTISTS IMPRESSIONS

Formed in 1994, with James (Jim) McEverley on drums, Dave Webb on Bass, Andy Taylor (not of Duran Duran fame) on Lead Guitar and Debbie Hayes as vocalist, they started out as a support act for the manic punk legends, The Wrinkly Pink Catsuits. This was mainly due to the fact that Jim’s older brother Alex was the drummer for them. They quickly recorded a demo single, Killer Alligator, using equipment nicked from the Physio & Firkin after a particularly mad gig. Somewhat surprisingly this grabbed the attention of local Leicester label Sorted Records, who released a 7 track album, imaginatively called My Head’s Going to Blow Up. However poor sales followed, probably due to the fact that Debbie couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, and they split just 9 months after getting together, leaving the legacy of Jim managing to puke all over his brother’s drums during every single gig due to stage fright.

Recommended single & Album. Probably best not to bother, only really stuff for friends and families. However if you ever see anything by the Wrinkly Pink Catsuits then snap it up.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO WHAT?

FANTASY FOOTBALL

Yes, cock boy is still top, and yes people, we are still hearing about it every single fucking day. Please shoot him.

	Annual Table
Position	Team	Points
1st	Cherokee Hair Tampons	1261
2nd	Tip Top Team	1197
3rd	Molineux Misfits	1193
4th	Chelle's Allstars	1191
5th	Shhoooooottt!!! Again	1159
6th	Seek'em & Destroy	1130
7th	Wednesday Wannabes	1101
8th	Full Gun Lollipops	1096
9th	The Arsenal Arse Bandits	1094
10th	Magpie City FC	1076
11th	Westside XI	1058
12th	Sneaky Fucking Chelsea Russians	1010
13th	Nic	1009
14th	Shit or Bust	1007
15th	Reigning 3rd Placers	1006
16th	Russian Gold	985
17th	Andy	985
18th	No use for a name	976
19th	Requiem For A Team	972
20th	Owen	944
21st	The World's Smallest Violin	928
22nd	MUP(pet)S	908
23rd	Nez	842
24th	The Unidumpers	812
25th	Robo's So Solid Army	696
26th	Whipping Boys	581
	Upto and Including 3rd March

REAL 5 A SIDE FOOTBALL

You couldn't buy a ticket for love nor money for this fixture. The return leg of Hit The Bar vs. Ashton was a chance for HTB to exert their dominance over their former nemesis and take six points off them this season. Hit The Bar lined up without Turkish (on loan once again, this time to the USA) but had the double-act of Nez and Owen available which meant the luxury of a sub. As usual, HTB were slower out of the blocks than an arthritic tortoise and soon went 1-0 down. However, some neat play saw them get back into the game but struggle to get ahead thanks to a strong performance from Ashton's keeper. As the game progressed however, HTB soon exposed Ashton's lack of skill and limited tactics and opened up a healthy lead. The trend continued in the second half and it was at this point that things got scrappy. Some Ashton-style, ankle biting tackling from G-Man appeared to cause some offence and led one of Ashton's number (we'll call him Bob) to attempt to start a fight in the slightly unorthodox, grab-nose-from-behind manner. G-Man, sensing the old git wasn't much of a threat, squared up to face his aggressor, only for Nez to step in, in the peacekeeper role that someone always has to play in these situations. From here, Bob was dismissed by the ref and on came Ashton's bulldog who proceeded to carry on where Bob left off, yet in a slightly more scary 'I will hurt you' manner. Things simmered down a bit at this point but minutes later the bulldog hit the ground in agony following a challenge from Owen, with ligament damage the possible result and with HTB keeping their thoughts to themselves. From here it was a stroll in the park for Hit The Bar, with an easy 15-7 win the result, and any future fixture against Ashton now regarded as an easy 3 points.

Squirrel - couldn't really be faulted for some of the early Ashton goals and compared to recent games, didn't have much to do. Made a few decent stops but wasn't called upon to do much more, a reasonable game - 7

Owen - back from a loan spell at Sunderland he had a slightly nervy start. Soon settled down and got stuck in with some good blocks. Scored a corker but would have liked a couple more. Was involved in the bulldog's injury but the challenge was legal. Overall a good performance - 7

Ricky Organ - a decent performance and couldn't resist a word or two to Ashton when things turned scrappy. A committed performance with two goals to show for it but his commitment to Saturday's all-day training session has been called into question - a no-show could well be reflected in next week's rating - 7

Dancing - also a decent performance with a couple of vital blocks early on. Scored a couple and set some up to. An improvement from last week but can still do better - 7

Nez - after a hard day at the coffee shop he was still full of beans. Gave his team mates a roasting if they messed up but managed to blend his criticism with a healthy dose of skill. Scored an impressive seven goals and is a valuable asset to the team. HTB will be hoping he doesn't decide to leave and open up his own coffeeshop.... Nezcafe. Sorry. Oh anyway, he's SURERANDOMALITY STARMAN – 8

G-Man - a terrier-like performance at times and it was this that the opponents took exception to, even though they do the same. Netted a hat-trick but could have had even more. Some excellent tackling and good passing all added up to a solid performance – 8

Squirrel - a bad handling error early on led to the training schedule ending up in the toilet but he recovered quickly and as the day went on his best form came to light - he even stayed on after the end for some extra practice - 9

Ricky Organ - turned up late which was not looked kindly upon but soon got into the swing of things and can be credited with seeing this tough session through to the end, although one or two exercises may have been missed out -7

G-Man - turned up promptly and started off at a steady pace. Appeared to lack stamina though and faded out a while before the end of the session -6

Dancing - appeared quite comfortable with the pace early on but may have suffered a blow of some kind to the head as he has reported some gaps in his memory. Just about made it to the finish but may too have missed out some of the exercises - 7

Nez - not used to this kind of intense training, he found it difficult from the start. Soon picked up his pace as the day went on but peaked too early and didn't make it to the end - 6

Owen - started fairly strongly but soon slowed. Will be disappointed not to have seen the session through to the end but showed glimpses of promising ability for the future - 6

As is the norm these days, Hit The Bar turned up with just five, with Owen missing but no decent excuse given. Previously untested Expotel were the opponents, with Nez suggesting before the game that "they sound like the sort of team who turn up with eight". The game got underway just as soon as Expotel's three subs had left the field and as per usual HTB started badly. After going two-down, goals were traded up until half time with the score 7-5 to Expotel. HTB were clearly struggling at the start of the second half, and got opened up a number of times by the passing and moving of Expotel's fresh legs, with something like a 4 or 5 goal lead being gained. Strangely, the longer the game went on, the more HTB seemed to improve, despite fatigue setting in. They clawed their way back with some spirited stuff but time was not on their side and the final whistle went with HTB still two adrift. It transpired that the ref had lied about his GCSE Maths 'D' grade as he bizarrely gave the final score as an insulting 13-8 to Expotel, when 11-9 was the true result. Hit The Bar still find themselves hanging on to second place in the league but could come to rue the ref's detrimental effect on their goal difference.

Squirrel - many City analysts have been predicting a crash in Squirrel's shares on the back of such outstanding recent form. He was out of sorts tonight and made only a few saves of note. Even allowing for some poor defending, there were too many that went in that shouldn't have – A very harsh 5

Dancing - a stop-start performance that frustrated many on-lookers. Drifted out of the game on occasion and got beaten by his man too often. But when he drifted into the game he looked dangerous and scored a tidy hat-trick, including a belter into the top corner – On overly generous 7

Ricky Organ - also a fluctuating performance with some highs and lows. Scored one but some better finishing could have led to more. Was involved in some slick passing moves but too many passes also went astray - 6

G-Man - despite the binge drinking at lunchtime he played a good game. The highlight was some excellent tackling and pressurising of the opposition into losing possession. Scored a brace but the team really needed more than that. However, still edges it as SURERANOMALITY STARMAN - 7

Nez - a little lack-lustre tonight - some good passing and running as usual and a couple of goals to boot. However, he really seemed to struggle in the second half and was guilty of some slack play at times, needs to channel the energy from his jaw muscles into his legs - 6

Scoring Chart. Nez 28, G Man 23, Dancing 15, Ricky Organ 12, The Chemist 4, Owen 3, Hew 1, Turkish 1, OG 1

Division 5

Team	P	W	L	D	GF	GA	PP	PTS
DEHULBERTO LACORTINA	10	10	0	0	119	43	0	30
HIT THE BAR	10	6	4	0	98	80	0	18
THE TEAM WITH NO NAME	10	6	4	0	102	103	0	18
PARRSWOOD OLD BOYS	10	5	4	1	72	67	0	16
VASKO DE GATLEY	10	3	6	1	85	91	0	10
ASHTON ATHLETIC	10	3	7	0	82	102	0	9
EXPOTEL	10	3	7	0	72	100	0	9
INTER PIE & CHIPS	10	3	7	0	61	104	0	9

CLUB FACTFILE

D'YA LIKE DAGS

Each fortnight we bring you a random dag from Belle Vue, and a few words of wisdom that have been written about it.

Never been in better heart. First crack at this level of combat. Can strike from the front or come from behind to grab a result.

SPORTING TRIVIA

WEB LINKS

To get more random thoughts then go to the web site at surerandomality.20fr.com/ranthoug.htm

To see how many of you there are in the country go to http://yournotme.com/ and type in your name.

To see random anonymous people make random confessions then go to http://grouphug.us/ and read.

See how far you can bat a penguin. Try and beat the record of 323.5 and send proof to me, or just send your highest scores in, and try and get on the league table http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin.html The league table is below.

MERCHANDISE

The Surerandomality album has finally been pressed, the artwork has been finished, and the first copies went out in time for Christmas. In fact demand has been so great that a second run may be needed. The track listing is as follows, Spandau Ballet – Gold, Sabrina – Boys, Electric Six - Danger High Voltage!, Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows, Good Charlotte - Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Tenacious D – Tribute, The Breeders - Cannonball, The Coral - Dreaming of You, Electric Six - Gay Bar, Elton John - Are you Ready for Love, TATU - All the Things She Said, Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, Skee Lo - I Wish, Blapps Posse - Don't Hold Back, Jungle Brothers - Because I Got it Like That, NWA - Express Yourself, 50 Cent - In Da Club, NERD – Lapdance, Prodigy - Out of Space, Alcazar - Crying at the Discotec. The cost is a measly £5.

Official Rex golf balls in association with Titleist at a stunning £2 each or £20 for a box of 12.

Coming soon will be a range of T-Shirts featuring all the regular stars of Surerandomality at very reasonable prices.

Also NEW in development, Surerandomality Uncovered! A collection of the stories considered too hot to publish. Final cost to be decided, but likely to be in the region of £3.

GOODS AND SERVICES

A new section in which businesses, goods and services that have come highly recommended or have coughed up the dough to advertise, get a mention.

TAXIS. Gill’s Taxis. A small locally based firm. Contact number is 07986 800 857 or email for advance bookings on globalgilly@talk21.com.

KEBABS. Abdul’s, pick one from any of four locations along the Oxford Road / Wilmslow Road corridor.

DRINKS. Besides the obvious alcoholic beverages, the recommendations are Pepsi and full fat milk.

WHITTARDS. For tea and coffee, go to the one in the Trafford Centre and ask for Nez, and while you’re at it, ask him where his fucking article is.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Postal address is, PO Box 007, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 7UP.

Mail Bombers, please address all explosive packages as “Editor – Private and Confidential” as you wouldn’t really want any of the insignificant little helpers to get hurt, would you?

To contact anyone seen in the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band section or to place an ad yourself, then please write to Surerandomality’s Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, PO Box 69, 57b Nevik Boulevard, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland. AK47 12IN

All legal challenges should be directed to Surerandomality’s, no good to me alive lawyers. S. Crude, P. Iston & S.C. Harper, PO Box 666, 18 Giants Causeway, Upper Little Hampton, Westmorland, AK47 8AM.

CREDITS

Thanks to the following for their contributions this fortnight, Dancing, Blondie, Nez & Morning.

Oldham Athletic
Founded						1895
Turned Professional						1899
Admitted to the League						1907
Previous Names						Pine Villa
Nickname (s)						The Latics
Ground						Boundary Park
Capacity						13,559
Previous Grounds						Sheepfoot Lane, Hudson Field
Seasons in Each Division
1						12
2						36
3						31
4						7
Trophies
League Runners Up						1914-15
Division 2						1990-91
Division 3						1973-74
Division 3 (North)						1952-53
Synopsis – Founding						Founded by the landlord of the Featherstall & Junction Hotel as Pine Villa in 1895, they played in the Oldham Junior League. In 1899 Oldham County went out of business, and Pine Villa were persuaded to take over their ground, and in the process renamed themselves Oldham Athletic.
Synopsis - Major Events						Elected into the second division in 1907, they were soon promoted to the top flight, and finished the last season before World War I as runners up in the league, a position they could never emulate, and after the war they slipped down to the lower reaches of the league, before making it back to become division 2 stalwarts in the 70’s and 80’s, and after some cup success, they made it back to the top flight in 1991.
Synopsis - Recent times						One of the original members of the premiership, they have dropped now to the 2^nd Division, and in that time have been right on the brink of going out of business. Despite this they only just failed to get promotion last season, and went unbeaten away from home right through until April.
Synopsis - Strange facts.						Were the losers in the highest scoring league game on record when they lost 13-4 to Tranmere Rovers at home on boxing day in 1935. Their record transfers, both in and out involve Aston Villa and were made in a space of three months in 1992.
Premier League Record. (upto the end of the 2002-2003 season)
	Home											Away
P	W		D		L			GF		GA		W		D		L		GF		GA		Pts
84	15		14		13			67		63		7		9		26		38		79		89
Position Finished each year of the Premiership
92-93		93-94		94-95			95-96		96-97		97-98		98-99		99-00		00-01		01-02		02-03
19^th		21^st		-			-		-		-		-		-		-		-		-